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Nature is too brutal and ugly to the creatures in it for me to consider nature anything but impersonally and terribly cruel.
I have a rather different way I see stuff. If there were god(s)that created this situation here,where life must destroy life to live,and die anyway,I'd want to destroy that god for being a sick sadistic monster.That's where the mal-theism comes in.
If there are any super consciousness ground of being type thing I think if it is involved in making this world operate as it does,I hate it.
If there is anything "out there" not involved with,that is beyond this cruel violent impersonal cruelty,I would identify more with it.
I hate the way this world is.I truly hate it. I hate that everything I love dies,the innocent,gentle and sweet gets damaged,hurt abused wounded ,destroyed by the predatory,I hate the predators not because of what they are but I hate whatever FORCES them to have to do what they do.everything beautiful rots,everything alive must kill and die.I hate that.I hate the human condition.Existing is painful and I HATE that. Evolution is painful process when you look at it up close,,and there is no reason behind it's horrors but it forces beings to randomly try to adapt with the horrible conditions life faces in a world out to destroy it one way or another.
Why is it this way. It's ghastly.
So, any god that sets up a world like this,I must despise it. So because of the depth of hate I would feel twords a god that would make this mess I choose to disbelieve.
There is the unknown consciousness archetypes.I explore THAT. I can look like a belief but I can throw anything I think is true now,away.I don't have a framework to rationalize the horrors I see in this world it IS senseless.
So for me,I search to find a way to liberate.To seek something better than THIS suffering. I want to be free of all of this. No more birth in screaming and blood and misery, or horrors of death,disease trauma,no more domination and crushing, no more murder and tearing apart, no more rape,war,starving and beatings and abuse,no more predators prey or parasites.No more strife and senseless crazy shit.No more terrible vulnerability,no more life cut down, cut short and dreams deferred.. No more empires and sickening consumerism that leads to more and more suffering,no more have all and have nothings..
I want to liberate.
I want to find a way to leave this reality or change it so radically down to the micro-particles,until it is no longer so senseless callous and violent.I want the the cause of pain ,the pain,and the aftermath of it to cease harming. I want life to be worth something to life.I want the world to be aware of itself and aware of the terrible vulnerability and injustice this world is and continues to force us to endure. I want to find a way to remove the horrible in the condition of existence.
I want liberation.
I don't care about beliefs or whatever..Because there is horrible bad things that are happening here,it's like consciousness is locked on a planet that tortures itself.
I want it to stop. If it cannot be stopped, I want out. I did not choose to be born. I did not agree to live in a pay to exist human world. I do not want to be forced to compete or die,win or lose,abuse or be abused,survive anyway you can and die anyway.
I want to go where I am at peace and safe, happy and no more strife,a place or dimension or anything else it might be that is away from this.
I can imagine beautiful things, worlds were things are not ripped apart,eaten,exploited,hurt sickened,lost.I want to be where I belong.And that is not HERE in this reality the way it is.
So while I exist I do not want to make it worse, more painful,but I also realize I can't help it sometimes,Beings suffer because of me and I suffer because of them,..I hate it.I hate feeling love only to have my heart stomped,I hate the horrible isolation,I hate feeling like the last unicorn. I hate life as it is lived here. I wish there was a way to take it's sting away.It's strife,violence,struggle denial,and conflicts.
But I realize I cannot do it. And I cannot deny it hurts, or pretend it isn't there hurting.It feels like being shot through with a thousand arrows and crying forever, not just for me, but for everything that suffers here with me.I am unable to dull my senses to the point I can be like most are.I wish I could.I tried to ram a pencil through my temple in elementary school because of the pain I saw and felt all around me, it made no sense. It hurt and I thought if I could just shut off my mind,stop my senses I wouldn't mind the pain. The pencil shattered and I got a scrape, but my skull was harder than a pencil.And I still live knowing everything precious will be destroyed.I will die,you will,my beloved cats,we get sick,we get hurt,we suffer and die over and over in millions of ways millions of times..And it hurts.
Why is it this way?
Is there a way to stop this?
If not,why don't we try to change it, instead of endlessly arguing over which gods are right,or points of view,property ,money ,the systems we invent,nations,who owns what,who deserves what,WTF? It will all pass away.
But the suffering it never stops. Why?
Buddhists deny living hurts by claiming reality is an illusion. Christians want to be rescued and taken away to a better place Pagans try to revel in the hideous circle of life and accept life sucks by pretending it had a purpose and it is ok if it sucks and atheists are trying to deny the unknown to avoid the problem of submitting to a abusive over- being/creator that makes life painful for all.
I see the conflicts and I wonder why they don't just stop this crap and realize who cares about all that shit, life hurts.How do we stop this suffering? Illusion or not it still hurts.Even if you try different ways to force yourself to accept it.It hurts
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