Got Jokes???

[qwlauren35]

One sunny day in 2005 an old man approached the White House from across Pennsylvania Avenue, where he'd been sitting on a park bench. He spoke to the U.S. Marine standing guard and said,

"I would like to go in and meet with President Bush."

The Marine looked at the man and said, "Sir, Mr. Bush is no longer president and no longer resides here."

The old man said, "Okay" and walked away.

The following day, the same man approached the White House and said to the same Marine, "I would like to go in and meet with President Bush."

The Marine again told the man, "Sir, Mr. Bush is no longer president and no longer resides here."

The man thanked him! and, again, just walked away.

The third day, the same man approached the White House and spoke to the very same U. S. Marine, saying "I would like to go in and meet with President Bush."

The Marine, visibly agitated at this point, looked at the man and said, "Sir, this is the third day in a row you have been here asking to speak to Mr. Bush. I've told you already that Mr. Bush is no longer the president and no longer resides here. Don't you understand?"

The old man looked at the Marine and said, "Oh, I understand. I just love hearing it."

The Marine snapped to attention, saluted, and said, "See you tomorrow."


MAKE IT HAPPEN -VOTE

[oasis]

1. That's a dandy.

:-)

[joefree1]

2. Good one, here's another

Donald Rumsfeld dies and is sent to Hell. Satan decides to personally escort the famous Secratary of Defense. The Devil takes Rummy to that part of Hell reserved for politicians. Satan shows him the doors to three rooms and says he must choose one of the rooms to spend eternity in.

So Satan opens the first door. In this room there are various people he remembers from the Ford administration standing in shit up to their waist. But Donald says "no,please show me the next room".

Satan shows him the next room and this has cabinet staff he remembers from the Reagan administration. But here they're standing with shit up to their ears, so he says no again.

Finally Satan shows him the third and final room. This time there are people he worked with in the Nixon administration. Here there is only shit up to their knees and they're drinking cups of coffee and eating cakes. So Donald says I'll choose this room please. Satan says O.K. and leaves Donald to greet his old buddys.
Five seconds later, a demon strolls in, and screams "OK you repukes, coffee breaks over, BACK ON YOU'RE HEADS!!"

http://ediablo.com/ediablojokes.html

[qwlauren35]

3. More!!!

Bush Trips While Jogging

President Bush was out jogging one morning along the parkway when he tripped, fell over the bridge railing and landed in the creek below. Before the Secret Service guys could get to him, three kids who were fishing pulled him out of the water.
He was so grateful he offered the kids whatever they wanted. The first kid says, "I want to go to Disneyland."
Bush says, "No problem, I'll take you there on Air Force One."
The second kid says, "I want a new pair of Nike Air Jordan's."
Bush says, "I'll get them for you and even have Michael sign them!!"
The third kid says, "I want a motorized wheelchair with a built in TV and stereo headset!"
Bush is a little perplexed by this and says, "But you don't look like you're handicapped."
The kid says, "I will be after my dad finds out I saved you from drowning!!!"
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

The Bush Clock

A man died and went to heaven. As he stood in front of St. Peter at the Pearly Gates, he saw a huge wall of clocks behind him. He asked, "What are all those clocks?"
St. Peter answered, "Those are Lie-Clocks. Everyone on Earth has a Lie-Clock. Every time you lie the hands on your clock will move."
"Oh," said the man, "whose clock is that?"
"That's Mother Teresa's. The hands have never moved, indicating that she never told a lie." "Incredible," said the man. "And whose clock is that one?"
St. Peter responded, "That's Abraham Lincoln's clock. The hands have moved twice, telling us that Abe told only two lies in his entire life."
"Where's Bush's clock?" asked the man.
"Bush's clock is in Jesus' office. He's using it as a ceiling fan."
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

The Robotic Bartender

A popular bar had a new robotic bartender installed, when the first customer came in for a drink and the robot asked, "What's your IQ"?
The customer replied, "130."
The robot proceeded to make conversation about physics, astronomy, investments, insurance, and so on. The customer listened intently and thought, "This is really cool."
Another customer came in for a drink and the robot asked, "What's your IQ?"
The man responded, "100" and the robot started talking about the football, baseball and so on. The customer thought, "Wow, this is really cool."
When a third customer came in to the bar the robot asked, "What's your IQ?"
The customer replied, "70". The robot asked, "So, what's George Bush up to these days?"
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Bush Depression Collection

A lobbyist, on his way home from work in Washington, D.C., came to a dead halt in traffic and thought to himself, "Wow, this seems worse than usual." He noticed a police officer walking between the lines of stopped cars, so he rolled down his window and asked, "Officer, what's the hold-up?"
The officer replied, "The President is depressed, so he stopped his motorcade and is threatening to douse himself with gasoline and set himself on fire. He says no one believes his stories about why we went to war in Iraq, or the connection between Saddam and al-Qaeda, or that his tax cuts will help anyone except his wealthy friends. So we're taking up a collection for him."
The lobbyist asks, "How much have you got so far?"
The officer replies, "About four gallons, but a lot of folks are still siphoning."

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Soldiers Patrolling Near Tikrit

American soldiers are patrolling a desolate road near Tikrit, when they come upon an armed Iraqi soldier, lying dead in a roadside ditch. Just then, they hear a groan from across the road, and they rush over to find a badly wounded American soldier. As they lift him into their jeep, they ask what happened.
"I was face to face with that Iraqi, right here in the middle of the road, my gun on him, his pointed at me...neither one of making the first move. Finally, the tension was too much, so I shouted out 'Saddam is an asshole!'
Well, he stared right back at me and said, 'George Bush is a son of a bitch!'
We were still shaking hands when the truck hit us."

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
A TEST OF YOUR ETHICS: What would you do?

This test only has one question, but it's an important one. Don't answer without giving it serious thought.

The test features an unlikely, completely fictional situation in which you will have to make an important moral choice. Remember, your answer must be honest but spontaneous.

Please scroll down slowly - this is important for the test to work correctly.

You are in Florida...

In Miami, in a helicopter.

There is chaos all around below you - massive floods caused by a hurricane.

You are a CNN photographer...

...in the middle of this disaster ......

.... trying to take a Pulitzer prize-winning photo.

Houses and people are floating around you, being swept under the raging water...

Suddenly you see a man, desperately trying to steer a Hummer through the water...

.... fighting to prevent the monster SUV from being swept away, but rapidly losing the battle.

You look closer...

...and you recognize the man:

It's George W. Bush!

The raging waters are about to sweep him away forever...

You have two options. You can save the life of George W. or you can shoot the picture of your life... and thereby cause the death of our President.

So, here's the question: (Please give an honest answer)





Black & white or color?

[joefree1]

4. Baby pigs

As the President is getting off the helicopter in front of the White House, he has a baby pig under each arm.

The Marine guard snaps to attention, salutes, and says: "Nice pigs,sir."

The President replies: "These are not pigs, these are authentic Texan
Razorback Hogs. I got one for VP Cheney, and I got one for Defense
Secretary Rumsfeld."

The Marine again snaps to attention, salutes, and replies, "Nice trade, sir."

[joefree1]

5. Hot Air Balloon

George W. Bush decided to take his fancy hot air balloon out for a ride. After soaring over the country side for an hour he realized he was lost.
He reduced altitude after spotting a young girl on a farm below.
He descended a bit more and shouted, "Hey little girl, can you help me? I
promised a friend an hour ago I would meet him, but I don't know where I am."
The young girl replied, "You are in a hot air balloon over my daddy's corn field making racket and scaring the chickens!"
"Your daddy must be a Democrat," said the balloonist.
"He is," said the girl, "but how did you know that?"
"Well," answered Bush, "everything you told me is technically
correct, but I still have no idea what to make of your information, and
the fact is I am still lost. Little girl, you've not been much help."
The girl below responded, "You must be a Repubican."
"I am," replied the balloonist, "but how did you know?"
"Well," said the girl, " You're way up there, full of hot air looking down on the world, you don't know where you're at and you don't know where you're going. You promised something to somebody you can't keep and you were in this spot before we met but some how it's all my fault.

http://ediablo.com/ediablojokes.html