Comedy....errr, sort of

[AnarchoFreeThinker]

Headlines the Clinton camp is hoping for...


"BARACK OBAMA CHANGES MESSAGE FROM 'HOPE AND CHANGE' TO 'VOTE FOR HILLARY'"
"Advisers in the Clinton Campaign have predicted it all along, and yesterday the Obama Camp's long-awaited implosion finally came to fruition. It a stunning political miscalculation, the Illinois senator begged voters to support his opponent..."

"OFF-SHORE DRILLING RELEASES THOUSANDS OF TROLLS EXPECTED TO SUPPORT CLINTON"
When Senator Clinton voted with republicans last year in favor of off-shore oil drilling in the Gulf of Mexico, most experts at the time believed the vote was only the result of the influence of big money on her campaign. Few expected the project to have immediate electoral pay-off, but late last night, one oil company drilling off the coast of Lousiana struck an underground cave and freed wave upon wave of of small, bearded men with Blackberries..."

"FLORIDA AND MICHIGAN SEATED WITH DOUBLE DELEGATES AND EXTRA SUPER SUPERDUPERDELEGATES"
"The stalemate is over. Late last night the DNC's Rules Committee finally admitted that Florida and Michigan are the most important places in the universe and should be awarded for their state parties' political maneuvering with more than twice as many delegates as their populations would have otherwise...."

"GAS TAX HOLIDAY ATTRACTING NEW VOTERS FOR CLINTON"
"At the National Zoo in Washington, D.C. this morning, Ling-Ling and Sing-Sing, the world famous Pander Bears from China, announced their support for Senator Clinton's Gas Tax holiday..."

"MAGICAL GOATS STOP IRAQ WAR AND ABSOLVE CLINTON OF IWR VOTE"
"Today in Bagdad, 3 magical goats waved their magical wands and magically resolved the War in Iraq. 'It all was a big fuss about nothing,' Billy, the goat leader, said gruffly. He later added, "Let's give Clinton a pass. Voting for war isn't really the same thing as voting for war'..."

"DEMOCRATIC CONVENTION REVEALS NEW CLINTON MESSAGE OF DIVISIVENESS, UNITY"
"'There's only one way to unite this Party,'" Democratic presidential hopeful Hillary Clinton said earlier this evening in Denver to cheers of 42% of the delegates in attendance. "And that's by making sure people remember that Barack Obama doesn't look like me..."

"FIRST GUILLOTINE USED AT NATIONAL CONVENTION"
"Last night in Denver, the first guillotine ever used at a national convention by either political party was wheeled out on stage so the Democratic Party could cut off its own head. The headless Party flopped around for several minutes while Illinois Senator Barack Obama gathered up his vision, voters, delegates, states won, resources, and volunteers, and exited to plan a future third party campaign. Democratic insiders declared that their own drastic decapitation was necessary in the wake of increased African American voter turnout and the sharp upturn in new Democratic registrations..."

"NEW POLL SHOWS VOTERS PREFER LIES, MORE OF THE SAME"
A new CNN Poll released this morning reveals that 62% of likely voters want their next president to be 'hamstrung by PACs and lobbyists' and 'willing to make up shit whenever'...."

"VOTERS NOW VIEW McCAIN AS 'THE BLACK CANDIDATE'"
When Hillary Clinton campaign strategists retooled her message last April and May to 'vote white 'til it hurts,' many pundits and political insiders wondered how long it would take once the general election began before voters realized that Senator John McCain, despite his long record of voting white, was actually an African American...."

"AIR AMERICA RADIO SET ADRIFT IN ATLANTIC"
"Citing the little known Anti-Progressive Media Act co-sponsored by Senators Clinton and McCain, the FCC today gathered up Air America's transmitters, placed them on a floating shipping barge off a dock outside Boston, and cut loose the tethers..."

"CLINTON BEATS MCCAIN WITH 7% OF THE AFRICAN AMERICAN VOTE"
In an unprecedented twist in modern American electoral politics, a Democrat has defeated a Republican in a presidential election without securing 80% of the African American vote...."

"MOVE OVER MING: THERE'S A NEW DYNASTY IN TOWN"
"Chelsea Clinton, in her first open Q&A with reporters since she took to the campaign trail last year for her mother, had to cut short her press conference today in order to be fitted for glass slippers..."