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Edited on Wed Jul-19-06 10:28 PM by NanceGreggs
FROM THE CORPORATION OF THE UNITED STATES OF AMERICA
(A Company wholly-owned by the Citizens thereof)
Memo to all Employees:
On behalf of the majority of shareholders (i.e. citizens) of the United States of America, I regret to inform you that massive dismissals are imminent in all sectors of the company. Individual letters will be sent to each of you in November, but this memo will serve to alert everyone at the Washington D.C. head office of the following planned terminations and the reasons therefore.
ELECTED OFFICIALS DEPARTMENT (House of Representatives and Senate Employees)
When you were hired, your job descriptions plainly set out your responsibilities in the areas of upholding the Constitution, as well as the inferred duties of protecting the company’s most valuable assets.
We thought it obvious that we meant ‘protection’ of things like the American Flag and the Pledge of Allegiance in the broadest sense, i.e. the concepts behind those symbols as opposed to the symbols themselves. We never expected that you would waste precious company time and resources protecting a piece of red-white-and-blue cloth as opposed to the things it stood for.
We realize now that the wording of that job duty could have been narrowed so as to avoid any misunderstanding. In our defense, quite frankly we thought we were dealing with a much more intelligent group of people. This miscalculation on our part will not be repeated in future.
As for your most important job responsibility (i.e. REPRESENTING the views of the shareholders), I think we can all agree that the execution of this particular responsibility has resulted in less than satisfactory results. To put it in the vernacular, “You Blew It – Big Time!”
OVERSEAS INVESTMENT GROUP
While many of you were honestly misled by the President/CEO’s rosy picture of both the short- and long-term return on our investments in Afghanistan and Iraq, it should have become immediately apparent to all that this ‘loser’ stock was promoted without the necessary scrutiny as to its true value, and should have been dropped from our investment portfolio within weeks of its purchase.
In view of the fact that the majority of the stockholders have expressed their concern over this investment and have not been heeded, the decision to ‘stay the course’ is reflective of your ineptitude in making wise financial, as well as moral, decisions as to where the best course of action lies for our company as a whole.
In addition, as a result of this disastrous commitment of the company’s assets, funds for more fruitful endeavors (education, medical coverage, rebuilding of NOLA, etc.) were not available when these more solid investment opportunities presented themselves.
ACCOUNTING DEPARTMENT (aka “US Treasury”)
While it makes good business sense for any corporation to borrow money for expansion purposes and to divest itself of non-producing assets, we thought it obvious that your department would be prudent enough NOT to run up the company’s credit limits to the hilt, and sell off company-held properties such as ports, bridges, toll highways, etc., in order to offset runaway spending.
In future, we will be more scrupulous in checking references, academic achievement, and on-the-job experience as set forth in resumes that are tendered for positions in this area. To put it candidly, the performance of this department leads us to believe that the vast majority of you have not completed even the rudimentary courses requisite to perform the most basic tasks, including Basic Mathematics as taught in most accredited high schools.
(NOTE to whoever put the “Can’t we just tell the country they’ve been PUNK’D” missive in the company Suggestion Box: We do not think this is an appropriate solution to the current fiscal problems we are facing.)
PUBLIC RELATIONS DEPARTMENT (“Foreign Policy”)
The less-than-superlative performance of this department can be summed up relatively easily:
September 12, 2001: “The Whole World Loves Us.”
July 2006: “The Whole World hates Us.”
I think that should suffice.
LEGAL DEPARTMENT
Again there appears to have been some misapprehension on the part of employees in this area as to the scope of their duties and responsibilities.
Your obvious (or so we thought) mandate was to ensure that company employees, in particular upper management, were counseled to stay within the law as it stands, and not to ‘invent’ new law in ad hoc meetings – where, we strongly suspect, alcohol was served on a “White House Happy Hour” basis.
In this case, we are prepared to accept resignations on the basis that judgment was impaired due to over-imbibing. It is preferable to thinking you were actually sober while executing your duties.
UPPER MANAGEMENT (President & Administration)
While the abovementioned employees and their respective departments bear responsibility for their own ineptitude, it is always incumbent on upper management to set the proper example for its underlings.
After reviewing the quarterly, semi-annual and annual performance records of current management, we are unfortunately forced to acknowledge that those presently in charge have consistently failed to improve the company’s national and international corporate image, as well as the "bottom-line" aspects of the company. The main areas of mismanagement include fiscal irresponsibility, inadequate communication skills, and a failure to choose appropriate personnel to fill key company positions, in addition to a lack of direction and an innate inability to foresee the consequences of ill-advised actions.
It it also apparent that upper management has failed to display even a modicum of order and decorum, both within the confines of the office environment and without. While it in no way excuses unbecoming behavior, perhaps upper management failed to read the “Company Conduct Guidelines” which are contained within the Constitution, Bill of Rights, Declaration of Independence, and other written materials readily available in hard copy as well as on-line.
It is rare that we, the shareholders, comment on the out-of-office conduct of company employees. However, in view of the outlandish behavior of upper management personnel in public settings, particularly international conferences and meetings where they are representing the Corporation as opposed to themselves as individuals, we are moved to express our utter disappointment in this regard.
After consulting with our external legal advisors, we have been assured that although upper management was hired on a fixed-term contract basis, there are legal remedies available to rid the company of these employees in due course. We are hopeful that a change in personnel this November will lead to such remedies being pursued, if necessary.
Anyone wishing to avoid the embarrassment that inevitably accompanies dismissal is free to tender his or her resignation immediately. In such an instance, as always, the company will announce said departures as being due to a sudden yet overwhelming desire to spend more time with family members.
Yours Most Truly, etc
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