Aging Parents..

[HipChick]

My parents are getting on a bit, mother in her 70's and father in his 80's. I'm the third child, also the child that has no commitments, in terms of spouse,kids etc. My other siblings live far away, and so it's more than likely that it will be me that would be their primary caregiver - when the time comes. Right now, they are mostly in good health,mobile and fairly independent. I ,taught them how to use a PC, got them on the internet,gave them a VOlP phone so they can keep in touch with my other siblings,and their grandkids half way across the globe. I try and help them with hobbies,things that keep them busy,mentally active etc

I spent as much time as I can visiting them. I have noticed that my dad flies off the handle very quickly about things,and seems to get agitated easily.Today, we got into an argument,and it escalated to an emotional place that I wish it had not. Later, my mother told me he had been crying, and that it seemed of late, that any little simple thing upsets him. Today, he actually got physical with me, and that scared me more than anything, because I don't ever remember him laying a hand on me, even since I was small. I am worried about my dad's mental state, he's old school and stubborn, and it will take a mountain to get him to go the dr. He gets angry with me, if I suggest that his age might be a factor in anything, ie he still drives, and I suggest he slow down a little and take his time,and he got really mad at me. It took me 2yrs to get him to finally get to a dr to get his cataracts seen too. Maybe part of this is a male ego/controlling thing,but I am worried about him..he constantly misplaces things and cannot find them.I'm seeing a personality change, I don't know if is just senility kicking in, but I'm not a dr, and can't persuade him to go see a dr. My other siblings are too wrapped out in their own family drama,sorry to ramble its just hard to watch your parents age..:cry:

[texanwitch]

1. It always seems that one child carries the load with the parents.

It doesn't get any easier.

I finally had to put both parents into nursing homes.

Some people age better then others.

Sometimes you just have to step back and count to 10 or walk away.

Pick your battles with you parents, your stress level will be less.

Don't let the stress get to you.

I am still recovering from dealing with my parents.

[HipChick]

3. I feel like I am walking eggshells around him mostly

We used to have a great relationship, not so much with my mum...now its reversed, I have a much better relationship with my mum..I think he has it firmly fixed in his mind, that I'm the child, so there's no rhyme or reason to listen to me..

[texanwitch]

5. You Dad is just having hard time letting go of parts of his life.

My Dad had trouble also, he has mellowed now.

I have legal power over my Dad, everything.

At some point you will need to look into this.

It is a hard thing to do but I had to protect my Dad from my brother.

Long story there but you might start looking for a lawyer.

[HipChick]

23. I agree...he used to be an engineer..being the patriarch of the family

I woke up one morning and found him up a ladder, saying that he was going to paint the house. Despite all my pleas to hire a painting company to do it, he just got madder and madder with me so I had to just walk away from it, but keep an eye on him..

At least, he finally agreed to let me get someone to come and cut the lawn for him...in many ways,I'm beginning to feel like an over protective 'parent'..

[blue neen]

9. Good advice.

It's difficult when the parent/child relationship gets switched around. I am also still recovering.

[texanwitch]

10. The stress almost killed me.

It wasn't just the parents but certain family members.

The legal part was the worse, my brother almost cleaned out my Dad's money.

This happens a lot in families.

[blue neen]

13. It's definitely true that it all the care seems to fall on one child.

It causes a lot of resentment.

Ultimately though, I felt that I had to do what would give me peace later...to know that I had done everything possible.

[texanwitch]

16. What I hated was other people who couldn't be bothered telling me what to do.

I just told them to go to hell.

I am glad I stepped in but glad that it is over also.

I still looking after my Dad but he is in a good nursing close to my Aunt.

Things are lot easier now.

I feel for anyone taking care of their parents.

[EFerrari]

18. I don't think I'll have the option of a nursing home with Mom.

All she will have is her social security and a little property if we manage to save it for her. Argh.

Her personality is getting a little more brittle all the time. She had a TIA last week. Things could come apart any time. I feel like I'm waiting for a bomb to go off. And my brother just isn't very good at interacting in this way. He's somewhere on the autism continuum although he manages pretty well with his own stuff. He won't try to throw his weight around or clean her out but he won't be there in any way that will be very useful in the cluth, I'm afraid.

About the only thing I feel like I have going for me is that I adore this woman. That'll help some.

[texanwitch]

20. With my Mom she really didn't have that much left, she just had her SS.

She has Medicaid.

My Dad had set up a trust years ago, so a lot of his money was protected.

My brother didn't know this and was caught, long story story there.

There is a really good book that explains how to protect assets, in a legal way.

Here is the website:


www.medicaidmanual.com


Hope it can help.

[Kali]

2. does he have a regular Dr?

if so call and discuss, if not the situation is harder but not impossible. He is exhibiting symptoms of SOMETHING and needs to have a check-up. He knows it and you can make him go but you have to be firm, unemotional and not let the buttons of childhood get pushed. it could be ANYTHING - and it could be cured with somethign as easy at a vitamin/mineral supplement. It could be dementia but there are so many other things that can manifest with behavior change and depression - especially with the old guys!

Get him to the doc.

[HipChick]

4. No regular dr...he was into this homeopathic dr for a while

But I felt like this dr was just taking his money, I did a bit of research into this dr, ..I didn't like the fact he was handing out Chinese medicine(supplements) like candy. I am open to alternative medicine, but did not like the way my father looked, and you couldn't even tell what was in these supplements..eventually he stopped taking them,and started looking much better. It's almost like anything to do with mental health is taboo, and he just does not want to know..

[Kali]

8. oh - that is harder and he is still at risk of being ripped off too

Has he been abusive to your mother? - I am a little concerned about her safety if he is getting physical with you. That might be another avenue to force the issue although not a pleasant one, for sure.

[HipChick]

22. As far as I know he hasn't been abusive to my mother...but she is concerned

about his behavior..the increasing combativeness. I do think some dementia is beginning to set in ...relatives on both sides have been diagnosed with either Pre-senile Dementia or Alzheimers

[hedgehog]

31. I agree - you're in a very tough situation, but imagine how you and he will feel if he

flies off the handle and hits your Mom. It's been known to happen, and it would be absolutely devastating for everyone!

I've seen my Mom dip a little then come back as health issues are resolved - it's not always bad news. I'll be praying for you all.

Some engineers are know-it-alls and can't be told a thing. Others can be very rational and analytical when a problem is presented. If your father falls into the second group, maybe that approach would work?

[noamnety]

6. You've listed a couple things that are warning signs

of Alzheimers. I watched my FIL as he went through it, and the personality change you noted made me jump to that immediately, even before I read the rest of the post about him getting forgetful.

Here are the 10 warning signs: http://www.alz.org/alzheimers_disease_10_signs_of_alzheimers.asp

That's not to say it IS that, just that it's a warning sign that should be checked out.

If he may have that and he's still driving, that concerns me. The FIL took out the back of his garage one day, just drove right through the wall, said afterwards that the brake didn't work, but we all understood that wasn't the case. It's lucky it was just a wall he took out, that he didn't kill anyone.

I'd been after my husband for a couple years to report him anonymously if they couldn't get the keys from him. I should have just done it myself.

Most states have procedures for it. I don't know where you are at, but here's a sample: http://www.dot.wisconsin.gov/drivers/drivers/aging/impaired.htm

Filing the report can trigger a mandatory health checkup if he wants to retain his license, so that's one way to force the issue - and ensure he's not endangering others.

[Kali]

7. I like the driving alert triggering a check-up

[EFerrari]

19. Yikes. Mom has half of those to a degree.

Nothing unmanageable right now, though. And she recognizes that her "executive function" isn't what it used to be. For her sake, I hope that this slope is a gentle one. It looks like it will be, anyway.

[Bennyboy]

11. Oh Boy Hipchick are you in for a ride..

I am in my fifth year. 3 of which my father was extremely crazy. My Mom is barely able to get out of bed now and it takes all my patience to deal with her. Due to my dad's craziness, he left her broke too so I had a huge pile of financial stuff...Foreclosures, selling of stuff to pay rent etc.
Now I got her settled but I went away fro a while and came back and she was almost dead. Shaking and cold all the time. So I got her back to health. But now I am living on her couch.

Life is just too much for her. The everyday stuff wipes her out..
My brother moved to Montana to get away from y My Dad, and he has no nothing to do with anyone..

[texanwitch]

12. I just about lost my mind for awhiile, so I know what you are talking about.

:hug: :hug: :hug:

[Skittles]

15. so sorry, Bennyboy

you're a good kid.....it's hard on you now but when they are gone you'll know you did your best and that will give you peace of mind

[Skittles]

14. he needs a good medical/mental health evaluation, HipChick

by a doctor that has your input

[elleng]

17. It IS hard, HipChick; been there, doing that.

IMO, your siblings MUST get involved NOW; the time has come. Y'all may decide that you end up with the resonsiblity to 'execute' any decisions y'all have made, but it must be done collectively, imo.

Best of luck.

E

[HipChick]

21. In some ways..I feel that I need to 'protect' them from my siblings..they tend to try and use them

as a ATM machine..there's my older sister whose forever trying to get them to send $$ to pay her bills, but lacks any financial responsibility...she'll cry and complain that her utilities are going to be cut off..then I find out from my nephew(her son) that she spent money buying things for Mafia Wars or Farmville on Facebook..oh vey...she's borrowed several amounts of money over the years and never paid them back. I've put a stop to that a while back..
my older brother is under the thumb of his scheming girlfriend and is only interested in what my parents might 'leave' them...
I'm close to my younger brother,but he recently lost his wife to cancer, and still trying to come to terms with..so I sought of feel I need to go it alone on this

[elleng]

25. Sorry to hear all that, Guess I was assuming they are 'responsible' types.

[HipChick]

26. Reality is starting to kick in..and I have to really look hard at this situation

I'm not expecting things to get better...but I wish they were responsible too..

[elleng]

27. At the very least, you'll learn what a capable person you are.

Always here for you!

:hi:

[av8rdave]

24. I can relate to your situation

My case is much simpler/milder than yours, but it still causes stress.

My Mom passed away almost 10 years ago. My Dad is pushing 80, but still lives on his own (in an adult retirement community). He sometimes gets easily agitated, but that's about the worst of it.

The hard part is that I live halfway across the country from him. My brother lives about 20 miles away, but is very occupied with a wife and 5 kids, as well as his share of difficulties. I feel I'm the responsible party, which is fine, but I wish I were closer.

I give credit to my Dad for selling his house, and choosing a community to live in where he has easy and quick access to medical care. Also, the community includes complete care if/when necessary (to include full time nursing and hospice care if needed). That takes a lot of worry out of the picture.

Still, I worry that he doesn't get enough family contact, which isn't good for him.

You obviously have more to worry about in your situation - best vibes and wishes sent!

[meow2u3]

28. I took care of my mom until the day she died

Actually, we kinda took care of each other. I couldn't fathom putting her into a nursing home, where my siblings and I feared she would have been taken advantage of. In fact, my mom died right in front of me after I tried to get her to the ER. ;(

[HipChick]

30. so sorry meow2u3...

[mnhtnbb]

29. Oh, boy. Do I know. I went through moving my father from CA to NC

after my mother died and Dad needed 24 hour supervision due to a post-operative dementia. It was really hard, and demanding, to see him
lose mental acuity and eventually physical ability.

I have been, for the last 10 days at my 91 yo recently widowed uncle's house in CA (I'm still in NC). His only child stayed for a month
after my aunt's death in early May and then went back to Seattle where he lives. Fortunately, my uncle has terrific neighbors--including
a couple they've known for 30 years and whose kids relate to him like he was their grandfather. I've been helping to sort through stuff, donate
to Salvation Army, toss out...etc.

It's very hard to see him so frail. He's about to permanently lose his drivers license, but wants to stay in the house. I signed him
up for Meals on Wheels. He has a 70 yo friend near by willing to give him rides. But I saw a couple of times when he was confused about
things, late in the day, which suggest he may be sundowning. I watched him spend 2 1/2 hours trying to fix a lamp--he who was an electrical
contractor who owned his own business for many years--having difficulty because of his Parkinson's. I suspect in his prime he would have
fixed it in 15 minutes.

It is so hard. So hard. Hang in there, HipChick. :hug:

[elehhhhna]

32. aggressive behavior is a sign of, well, a few possibilities --

he needs to be checked up and Mom needs to be careful. The sooner this is confronted medically the better. Worst case for acoomplishing a medical exam/intervention is to call an ambulance next time he "goes off". He won't like this, btw. Please get the sibs involved in gently demanding a workup.

So sorry for this scary new development. I'm sure he's mortified, as well.

[Hell Hath No Fury]

33. I am walking in your shoes --

The youngest daughter left by siblings to take care of Mom.

I have been "taking care" of her for 27 years since my sisters took off to led their lives, and now that Mom is hitting 78 the real taking care is beginnning. She has health issues that require more help, financial issues that are not getting better because of the freeze on SS, and she is just generally slowing down. Thankfully she is "all there" mentally, but I do notice things taking a little bit longer to register.

One sibling is out of the picture completely, the other swore she would not allow me to do this by myself when the time came, but, when I told the time was now, she found every excuse in the book to keep from having to step up and keep her promise. I have resigned myself to the fact that I will be doing this by myself from here on in. It scares me, it makes me feel overwhelmed, and some days it makes me cry, but what can I do but keep going.

Your Dad's situation reninds me greatly of something I went through with my Mom. She went through this period where she was forgetting things really badly, to the point I was ready to take her to a doctor for evaluation. When I would point out things she had forgotten she would get incredibly hostile with me, very angry. She was aware that she was forgetting things and that she was having problems, and her fear turned into outward anger and frustration when she was confronted by me. She finally talked to her doctor about it and found out one of her meds had a side effect of short term memory loss! She went off the med and everything went back to normal. I think internal fear, frustration, sadness can manifest as anger towards others. Your dad may very well be aware something is going on with himself but doesn't want to/know how to deal with it, and may take it out on you and others around him.

I hope you can find a way to get him evaluated. It could eb something very simple going on with him that can be fixed easily or it could be something that requires serious intervention. Knowing which is vital.

Whatever you do, take care of YOURSELF during this process. Your physical and mental health must be nurtured so that you can do what you need to do for your parents.

[HipChick]

35. Thanks for your kind words...I do agree that my father does know something is going on with him

but will not discuss it..and gets angry and defensive if I try to broach the subject
My mother reminded me that he does go for an annual physical, so I will try to push for a mental evaluation then too..I don't think I can rely on my siblings..they too self-absorbed

[tigereye]

34. my mom was diagnosed with Alzheimers about 2 years ago - it's very hard

to see such a sharp and agile person lose her mental acuity. We were able to get her to a psychiatrist for an evaluation after she fell and broke her nose and then was confused at the ER. She is now taking medications and they help some. Otherwise she is healthy. I recognized the signs of memory loss early on, but no one in the family wanted to deal with it. Her own doc diagnosed her with Dementia, and then didn't tell anyone, as if were something to be expected. Strange. She is doing fairly well, much of her personality is intact, but she has no short term memory, can't pay bills anymore and is starting to forget her daily routines without reminders, etc. It's very hard. Also my father has had TIA's and he is unable to drive since he had a seizure on the way to the hospital one time. So I worry that the future will be much more difficult. Fortunately there are 4 of us kids within driving distance and my SIL is a nurse, so we have plenty of people (almost too many!) to deal with things as they occur.

So I totally empathize, it's quite difficult to see your parents not as fully functional and in decline, and then try to decide what the best recourse is. I really think my parents would be better off in an assisted living facility, but I am not sure when/if they will agree to that.



:hug: for you - sounds like a good medical work-up would help quite a bit and give you the info you need to help make decisions. I wish you well.

[applegrove]

36. Take him to a neurologist. They can do a really simple dimentia test.

[The empressof all]

37. You might want to check with aging and adult services in your state

They can come out and do an assessment for services that might be available. If they have funding a visit with a Geriatric Specialist is a good idea. Things like low grade pain can cause agressive behavior so there may be something physically wrong. Sometimes an outsider can do wonders in getting an elder to accept services. My mother gleefully went to the doctor when the social worker suggested it even though her kids were begging her for months. Go figure!

[pink-o]

38. All of you sound like you're living parallel lives to me. My mom died in 2007. Dad is 86

and okay so far...but if anything happened to him, I would be the responsible child. My sister pretty well abdicated any commitments after she took the stuff she wanted out of my parents' house after Mom died.

Dad is still living there, and he and my mother organized everything, gave me Power of Attorney, and tried to make it as easy as possible for me. Right now, I only need to check up on my dad to keep him company and make sure he's getting out of the house, he doesn't need any major care yet. But I'm prepared for the day that becomes necessary, and ready to step up when I'm needed.

Funny thing is, in my 20s I ran off to Europe and didn't see my family for almost 5 years. My sister stayed in the Bay Area, close to the 'rents. 30 years ago, you would've thought she'd be the caretaker, but if I've learned anything in my life it's to respect and love your parents. They took care of us when we needed them, I have no problem reversing the roles.

But it is hard. I have it easier than a lot of you, but I'm waiting for the inevitable. Remember, your parents are scared, they're losing power on a daily basis and their mortality is staring them in the face. They're going to lash out and misplace the anger on us. We have to be strong and roll with it, just like they dealt with our fears when we were children.