Still hurting over a friend's suicide

[Courtesy Flush]

I prefer to call her my friend, though officially she was a client in my caseload (I'm a CPS worker).

I thought she was awesome, and she thought I was awesome, and we spent a lot of time together trying to resolve her problems. Nothing worked, and her life kept getting worse. I had to take her kids, which was hard for me (harder for her, of course). She knew her life wasn't going to get better, and she killed herself.

This was a month ago, and I still cry every day. I've never been so deeply hurt. I cared so much for this girl, and we promised each other that we'd stay in each other's lives after her case was closed, because she always stayed clean as long as she had me in her life (everyone in her personal life was on drugs). I knew her for five years. For three of those years I was her worker. When her case was closed the first time, we didn't stay in touch (except for a couple of phone calls), and she ended up back in my caseload. That's why we made the promise.

I am a 50-year-old man, and she was a 29-year-old girl. I was the same age as her father. I think she kind of saw me as a father. She's the only client I ever had who never called me by my first name. I was always Mr. "Smith" to her, no matter how close we were (I need to stay anonymous online). One day she asked me if I would walk her down the aisle at her wedding. Her father is alive, but she didn't want a crack head giving her away.

Not long ago, she asked me how I came into this line of work. "We've known each other all this time, and I never asked you". I told her she wouldn't respect me if she knew, but she persisted. I confessed that I just needed a job, and CPS was hiring. She smiled and said "God put you here." I can't type this without crying. She really felt that way about me. At her funeral I was approached by several people who thanked me for being there for her. She had always told everyone how much I meant to her.

Earlier this year she asked me when was my birthday. I told her the date, happy that she'd want to acknowledge it. When my birthday arrived, just a month ago, I got a call. It was a supervisor from my office, informing me that my friend was dead. She'd been found in a field. where she had lain in the sun for five days. She took her pills, and called her mother to tell her what she'd done. She told her she was starting to fade. If this was a cry for help, it was an ill-conceived one. Never call a drug addict if you really need help.

I think I'm saying too much, but I can't get this out of my mind. I have a huge hole in my heart and no one to talk to about it. I stop by her grave about once per week, and I still send her text messages. I would do anything to see her again.

[LeftyFingerPop]

1. My heart aches for you...

and your reaction is normal.

I had to deal with the suicide of the mother of my long time girl friend...I know the pain.

There are a lot of suicide survivors in DU...I hope they will speak up and offer you some support.

I'm very sorry...take things day by day. and talk to someone professionally if you think it will help.

:hug:

[auntAgonist]

2. I'm SO sorry , ..

Your loss is heartfelt and I'm sitting here in tears for you. You lost a 'daughter', someone who mattered a great deal to you. You must have been such a positive influence in her short life.

:hug: :cry: :hug:

You're one of the good ones. Don't ever stop caring.

aA
kesha

[fizzgig]

3. i am so very sorry

:hug:

[seemunkee]

4. You have my sympathy

You went way beyond what your job required and became a true friend. I'm sorry that everything you did just wasn't enough. I hope that her soul has found the peace that she couldn't find in this life.

[Taverner]

5. Pardon my swearing but JESUS FUCK!

I feel for you...:hug:

[mgcgulfcoast]

6. i will pray for you

sometimes death seems to be the only way out. i think about it from time to time.

[Haole Girl]

7. Oh, that's so awful

:hug:

[AllenVanAllen]

8. I hear you.

It's saddest thing when someone finds there's no other way to ease their suffering. I'm so sorry for the loss of your friend.
I hope you can peace and comfort from those that remain. :hug:

[RFKHumphreyObama]

9. I don't have any words for you that would be adequate for this situation

I can only say how truly, truly sorry I am and that my deepest and sincerest thoughts, prayers, condolences and sympathies are with you and all those affected by this deep tragedy:hug: :hug:

[Gormy Cuss]

10. Can you find a professional to talk to ?

No one to talk to sucks, but that's what professionals are for --to talk out those things that we can't talk out with people we know.

I'm so sorry that she passed away like that. Take comfort in the fact that those people at her funeral knew how important you were to her -- that means you really made a difference for her.

[Odin2005]

11. OMG, I'm so sorry!

:( :hug:

[madeline_con]

12. "God put you here."

She knew you cared. :hug:

[omega minimo]

13. You are a beautiful human being

"God put you here."

As sad as it is, as tragic, it's a beautiful story. You are a gifted writer, someone who cares deeply and is reaching out, rather than shutting down.

You made us care about her in the telling. May she rest in peace. May you be inspired to carry on and "be the change........"

[Courtesy Flush]

14. Thanks for all your kind thoughts

As a non-believer, I think this experience has given me insight into the role of religion in society. The idea of eternal life doesn't appeal to me at all, but the prospect of once again seeing someone you love has tremendous appeal. My own soul can get tossed in the trash for all I care, but wouldn't it be nice to think that my friend lives on? The very idea that I could see her again, and get caught up with all her news, and see her smile. No wonder people can't give up the concept.

[Deep13]

15. Pretty hard to just get over something like that.

:hug:

[raccoon]

16. Sorry to hear that.

:hug:

[Bertha Venation]

17. I'm sorry, C.F.

You know that this is going to hurt for a very, very long time. I've dealt with suicide too. I think it is probably the hardest kind of death to deal with.

I truly wish that I could comfort you.

:hug:

[applegrove]

18. Very sorry.