Ask me a question and I will give you Bad Advice.

[mainegreen]

:D

[DarkTirade]

1. Will it heal if I stop picking at it?

[mainegreen]

5. No. It will only heal if you sand off the crusty layer on top of it.

The crust is a result of your innate desire not to see the wound heal.

I recommend a first round of course sand paper, followed by ultra-fine grade for smoothing and finishing.

When you are satisfied with the sanding, coat with Thompsons Water Seal.

[DarkTirade]

19. All I have handy is acrylic based lacquer, will that work instead of Thompsons?

[mainegreen]

22. It should. just be sure not to move that part of your body until the lacquer hardens.

[DarkTirade]

23. Crap. That'll make peeing difficult.

[TZ]

2. I'm bored, what should I do?

[mainegreen]

7. Switch all the labels around on any chemical bottle you can find in the lab.

Next, proceed to experiment.

Ideally, you should find a way to incorporate flame.

[TZ]

15. !

Well when you hear about a large laboratory being evacuated in Maryland you know I put your good advice to use...:rofl:

[Strong Atheist]

3. Help! I need to make the most important decision of my life! What should I do?!?!?! nt.

[mainegreen]

9. Push off making the decision for as long as possible.

Eventually the decision will be decided for you. Since you did not make the choice yourself, you will never have to bear the guilt of having made the wrong choice yourself.

Which I assure you, you would have done.

[Strong Atheist]

14. Thank you so much! I will set about putting off the decision

right away...

[azmouse]

4. I want to lose 10 lbs.

What should I eat? :9

[TZ]

8. scorpions...

I understand they are easy to find...:hide:

[azmouse]

36. OMG!

You are soooo bad! :rofl:


A few years back Oprah did a show that had people eat all kinds of gross stuff to win some vacation prize. I was ok when they were eating the jellied sheep's brains but when they had to eat deep-fried scorpions that :puke: did it for me.

[mainegreen]

12. Listen to TZ. She is a certified Nutritionist. The live food movement is on to a truth.

And scorpions are an integral part of the live food diet.

[azmouse]

37. I'd be willing to bet I lose a whole lot more than 10 lbs!

'Cause I'd get really, REALLY hungry before I'd eat one of the creepy critters.

[Rosie1223]

6. Should I stay or should I go?

:shrug:

[mainegreen]

13. Get a chainsaw. Then you can do both.

[arcadian]

10. Should I join a UFO religion?

[mainegreen]

16. Yes. But follow these simple rules when making your choice.

Ideally a UFO cult should offer the following:

1) Group Sex. This is the primary reason to join any cult. If the cult you are considering does not offer group sex, I suggest holding out for a better cult
2) A Simple Plan (tm). I really doesn't matter what the plan is, just that it is simple. One of the primary points of a cult is that it is simple to understand. If The Plan (tm) is too complicated, the cult will fizzle out before things get Really Interesting.
3) Big expenses. If you find that you can easily afford the cult, or that they want no money at all, don't join! These are warning signs that they are not a Real Cult. Real Cults will be expensive!
4) Man Dresses. If the men aren't wearing dresses, it's not a cult.
And finally, specifically for UFO cults:
5) Your Own Alien Name. If they don't offer you your own alien name for when you ascend to the mothership, they're lazy bastards.

Knowledge is power, and armed with these simple guidelines, you should have no problem joining the right UFO cult for you!

:D

[HopeHoops]

Should I wear pants to my daughter's commencement tonight or go "free willie"?

:hide:

[mainegreen]

18. If your clothing is comfortable, you are NOT properly dressed. Go to the local GAP kids.

Find a nice package of tighty whiteys that are at least 10 sizes too small.

Wear those.

[HopeHoops]

28. Shit - no time to run to the mall. Should I use a pair of my youngest daughter's pink panties?

:shrug:

[mainegreen]

29. Only if they ride higher than your pants, and are visible when you bend over.

[mcctatas]

11. I think I scratched my cornea with my mascara wand...

what should I do?

[mainegreen]

17. Go with it. Start a new trend! You'll have longer corneas than all the other woman!

Imagine longer, fuller lashes AND corneas!

[BurtWorm]

20. Should I post in Mr. Scorpio's 'Grasshopper coming and going' thread?

Tell me quick. My time to edit my post that's in there is running out.

[mainegreen]

21. Yes. But only if you promise to act indignant.

Declare that Carradine was clearly not a master of the martial marital arts, and that he's an embarrassment to those of us who are. Get crazy! If you aren't making people mad, you aren't trying!

[Gormy Cuss]

24. I want to walk blindfolded from Longfellow Square to the Old Port. What's the best route?

:P

[mainegreen]

25. That's easy.

The first step is to be naked and drunk. This will create an attractive force between you and the Old Port. Once you are sufficiently sloshed and nude, put on your blindfold and stumble. One of the interesting things about stumbling drunks is that they will stumble only downhill. As the Old Port is at the base of the hill which Longfellow Square is the top of, you will naturally head towards the Old Port.

Note: if you find you are wet, you have gone too far! Turn around and attempt to climb the nearest wharf you can find!

[Gormy Cuss]

26. Question: if I find that I am wet and the water's knee deep and tastes like duck guano

should I stop drinking?

[mainegreen]

27. A 'Fat Ass in a Glass' would be ideal: Allen's mixed with milk.

The milk will neutralize the acids in the guano, and the Allen's, well, if you're drinkin duck guano water, the Allen's will at least provide a plausible explanation as to how you ended up in Deering Oaks pond drinking the water.

[Gormy Cuss]

51. I don't appreciate the name calling.

"Fat Ass in a Glass--" harrumph.





p.s. I love the new picture of Forrest.

[sarge43]

30. Should I take up explosive ordinance disposal as a hobby?

My husband is a beekeeper and I thought we could use some more excitement in our lives.

[mainegreen]

33. Why dispose, when you can utilize?

Explosive ordinance disposal, while a time honored hobby, up there with stamp collecting and bag piping, is losing ground to another hobby you can enjoy with explosive ordinances: landscaping. Landscaping itself is a satisfying hobby, but when combined with your natural desire to reduce unsafe stockpiles of explosive ordinance that your neighbors or town may have, results in a hobby that is fun, profitable, and increases property values! That's right, increases property values! While any schmuck can have a house looking out on some overgrown field, or soggy lake, or even some greenish, brackish ocean, rare is the person who can gaze out their bays windows upon a cratered, blackened moonscape! NASA spent billions trying to get people on the moon to take pictures of a landscape you, or clients you may take on, can build yourself!

Consider it: Explosive Ordinance Landscaping!

[sarge43]

38. Why thank you, mainegreen. Excellent advice.

Imagine what I could do with the few remaining old growth forests in the New England region. Then, there's the traditional 4th of July parades and celebrations - could really make them events to remember.

And snow removal!!

The possibilities are endless.

[AngryAmish]

31. We have another baby on the way and need to save more money. How do I do so?

[mainegreen]

34. Sell the first one.

Really.

:eyes:

[arbusto_baboso]

32. My sister-in-law is coming to visit.

She is religious. My wife and I are not. What should we do with the booze, porn, and bdsm equipment?

[mainegreen]

35. I would recommend putting it in her closet.

That's what most religious people do with theirs. I will make her feel welcome, and at home when she finds the electric anal probe hiding under a shoe stand, just like where hers is at home!





(hides)

[arbusto_baboso]

39. There was too much truth in that reply for it to be all that funny.

You're right; most religious folks I know are secret mega-pervs.

[mainegreen]

40. The line between funny, and sad but true is narrow.

And I generally crash through that line hooting and hollering, buck naked on my tricycle.

[arbusto_baboso]

41. Okay, THAT was funny about the tricycle.

You are redeemed!

[bigwillq]

42. Should I eat my salad for dinner?

:shrug:

[mainegreen]

43. Sure, but first be sure to properly cook it.

Food can be very dangerous if not properly cooked. The microbes on salad can survive temperatures up to 350F, so I recommend grilling or broiling your salad for ten minutes at 400F. Alternately, you can smoke a salad to ensure safety, and add flavor! The only downside with smoking a salad is that salad can take three to five days to properly cure, with Belgian Endives curing in three days and Curly Kale taking a full five days to cure properly.

[abq e streeter]

44. Should I FINALLY work up the nerve to ask her out?

[mainegreen]

45. Do not ask her out directly! This will not achieve the desired results!

The proper way to court a lady is to go to her house with at least four friends. Your friends should be dressed as a postman, a ups driver, a florist and a policeman. The first friend, dressed as the ups driver should deliver a package to her door, but should NOT ring the doorbell. The package must be a US Mail package; note that this is important! The next friend dressed as the postman will go to her door five minutes later and Discover The Package. He should ring the doorbell. When the woman you are interested in opens the door, the postman will berate her for using a US Mail box for shipping UPS, and inform her that doing so is against the law! She will protest that she didn't pack the box, but your friend dressed as the postman must be adamant! At this point you should have your friend dressed as the police man walk by. The postman should call over the police man, demanding that he file a report for mail fraud. The woman you are interested in, if all is going well, should be getting very nervous. Now, your friend who is impersonating the officer shall pick up the box according to script, and give it a sniff. He will ask her what is in the box, and will proceed to open it despite her protestations that she doesn't know anything about the box. Upon opening the box several bags of 'marijuana', really just oregano, will be discovered. The 'officer' will now start threatening to arrest her.

If things are going well, she should be in tears at this point.

At this point you need to appear, walking by as a casual pedestrian. Take notice of the situation! Walk up to the officer and ask him what is going on. He should state that he believes this woman is engaged in drug trafficking and mail fraud. You will ask to see the box, and upon inspection, point out to him that the box is addressed to the house across the street. Apologies will ensue, and your friends the postman and the officer will leave. The woman will be starting to thank you, and should should try and appear both humble and manly. Following the script, your friend will now pass by, dressed as the florist, carrying a bouquet of roses. Flag him down and offer to buy the roses off him. When he protests that they are for another person, stare him in the eyes, and tell him in no uncertain terms, that you know of no other woman than the one who lives here who deserves those roses more. The florist will concede, and sell you the roses. You give them to her and apologize for her troubles.

At this point I assure you she will invite you in, and within ten minutes she will have asked you out, if she hasn't already brought you up to her bedroom.

[abq e streeter]

46. Thank you for confirming that my plan was indeed, a solid one

(except for using real pot)............Also, I gotta say, you're one pretty damn funny dude.:fistbump:

[BlueIris]

47. Should I marry a guy whose whole life is his job? Who loves his coworkers more than me?

Well, except for the fifteen minutes (three times a week) we're having The Sex? Should I live with him and have his babies, even if it means living in a different hemisphere and raising them alone?

[mainegreen]

49. No. The answer to what you should do is clear to me

You should marry his coworkers instead. All of them.
I recommend you have the ceremony at the water cooler.

The reason is simple. Fifteen minutes is far too short for The Sex. It's barely enough time for The Foreplay. At least with a team of coworkers, people can tag in and out of The Foreplay and The Sex so that everyone has a good time.

I do not recommend raising children in hemispheres. It is possible to climb out of them. Full spheres provide better production and are impossible for children to climb out of.

[Ahpook]

48. After 11 years of not playing actively in a band, should i just kick the drummers ass first?

This way, from past experience, he is put in his place immediately:)

I haven't really played out in years and picked up a new gig.

HELP:)

[mainegreen]

50. As a former drummer, I can assure you that the drummer is more than likely the brains of the band.

I recommend that everyone in the band does whatever the drummer wants. I also recommend that should groupies ensue that the drummer be given first pick. Now go get the drummer a beer. His instrument is the hardest to play.

[Ahpook]

52. That would be good advice:)

Don't get me wrong, a good drummer is hard to find. Its really the singers:)

[struggle4progress]

53. My asshole neighbors went on vacation. Now their house is on fire. I left a message on their machine

that they need to call the fire department. I was going to smoke to cigar and then see a movie, but I can't find my Zippo. It's a nice lighter, with my name engraved on it, and I had it earlier today