Why do guys think they can go 3 weeks without calling their girlfriend?

[Quantess]

My boyfriend of 3 years told me he needed space, but that he still loves me. Basically he made me move out of his house. The biggest reason is that I have been out of work since late December. I have been trying to get a "good job" for about a year. I never got anything as good as I have had before, but I had seasonal work that ended in late December, and I actually had a couple of job offers in January that I regrettably turned down, largely because my boyfriend didn't think the jobs were good enough or high paying enough for me, with my Master's degree. He is lucky to to make a good living, employed by his dad.

He told me that we needed to separate in order to save our relationship. I don't blame him for being irritated at me for not working for so long. I would probably do the same to me, if I were him.

But I still have half my stuff at his house. So I finally called him after 3 weeks (I was the one who called him the last time) to say I was coming back for the rest of my things. After silence he said "You know I still love you. Can this wait until I get back in 2 weeks?" (he has to go on a business trip to the armpit of the midwest with his uncle, which happens once or twice a year.) He says that when he gets back he wants to come see me and talk about our relationship. To me, there is no relationship anymore when he makes me move out and he doesn't call me for an entire month.

[quakerboy]

1. Sounds fucked up

Sorry. I hope there is a silver lining somewhere for you.

[Quantess]

3. Thanks.

Sometimes I dream of moving far away, maybe to Europe. With just a ton of work, I could be fluent in another language.

I guess I'm ready to be over the relationship...

[DFW]

14. As a side note, I DID move to Europe

But that was because my girlfriend (now wife) was European and didn't want to move to the USA,
and because the outfit I work for had a job ready and waiting for someone who spoke several
European languages. I'm still here, thirty years later.

[Quantess]

20. I have so many questions for you.

That's really cool that it worked out for you.

[DFW]

22. I never win anything, but I won the jackpot with her.

I have posted these pics before, but in case you don't know us

At age 29 (after 7 years together):


and in Washington at age 55 (2 years ago):


It has been a long road, not without a few bumps along the way (medical crap, mostly), but
I can't imagine having done it with anyone else.

Ask away!

[DFW]

2. Three WEEKS?

I can't imagine three days (we're married now, but big diff).

Sounds like there is some serious damage repair necessary, and if not, time to move on.

[Quantess]

9. It was his idea to take time apart, and for me to move out.

He told me that was what relationship counselors suggested. Maybe he was talking about Dr.Phil's recommendations, who knows.

We have sometimes gone a week without speaking on the phone, but probably no more than 10 days at a time, max, during our 3 years together.

Ten days without him calling was a test of patience. As a woman, I have been taught to not call the guy unless he calls you, which has always seemed like good advice, because the guy usually calls you soon after you think about calling him.

[DFW]

15. Instead of listening to all those "professionals,"

I'd stop and listen to your heart for a moment, trite and overused as that phrase may seem.

Forget the "rules" about who is supposed to call whom. They're bogus. I hate to say this, but
without knowing either of you, this sounds an awful lot like how he'd treat a used car until
he has found a new model he can trade it in on. I hope for your sake that this is not the case.

Another factor in trying to figure this out is how old you are. If you are in your early twenties,
it is a lot different from what it would mean if you are in your late thirties. German women have
an expression here: men over 30 are like public toilets--they are either taken or they are full of shit.

But, that's not a rule either, just in case you are over 30 ;-)

[Quantess]

18. That's so humorous. I did actually read "The Rules" when I was in my 20s

At the time, I thought there might be some validity to the stupid assertions of "The Rules", but when I re-examined it I thought it was bilgewater tripe. I'm 38.

[DFW]

21. 38, eh? Interesting.

A woman friend of ours back in the States is 36. She is smart, un-stuck-up, has a decent and fascinating
line of work and is downright beautiful. She can't seem to find a normal guy to settle down with, either.

I don't get it. I would have thought there would be ten thousand men lining up to be the lucky one to be
her partner for life (she is straight), but apparently none have shown up that are emotionally stable. She
gets hit on all the time, by total losers to famous Hollywood directors (OK, only one of them), but still
hasn't been asked out by some 40-ish guy who is just completely normal, and hasn't yet had the luck to find
the right woman (or lost his partner due to some tragedy, or whatever). She now is a firm believer in what
the German women say.

All this is easy for me to say, don't forget. I met my wife at age 22, and am still with her, so being a
member of the "taken" category, I get exempted from being categorized as the other........

[GoddessOfGuinness]

4. He sounds pretty controlling to me...

You should feel free to take or turn down whatever job you like without worrying about what he thinks. If you've been actively seeking work since you were laid off, he should be supporting your efforts, not chiding you for accepting what's available.

It sounds like you're not getting you're stuff until he comes back. I'd suggest you take these two weeks, or more if you need it, to reassess your relationship with him. What do you want?

:hug::hug::hug:

[ohheckyeah]

5. It's hard enough on the ego to be

unemployed without someone making you feel worse. I hope things get better for you.

[jobycom]

6. Sounds like he has unrealistic expectations.

Without knowing more, he sounds like he has potential for being self-absorbed and using himself as the standard by which he judges others, and maybe he's a bit naive about the world in general if he's employed by his father and hasn't had to worry about being out of work. He's not used to having to make unpleasant choices, so he stalls.

Those aren't necessarily fatal flaws, just character traits, but they can cause someone to make selfish and destructive choices. He assumes you feel as he does, and have the same expectations as he does, and probably figured you just understood what he was thinking without having to talk to you. He might even think your not calling him was a sign of trust on your part, and a positive.

Or, he may be trying to break up with you but doesn't have the courage, and is trying to make it your fault--maybe not even consciously. By pushing you away, he may be trying to end it without making a conscious decision to end it, and being a little timid, he was afraid to face the final decision of you picking up your things, so he asked you to wait another two weeks. Some people--most people at least some of the time--hate to end things, even when they want them to end, so they try to maneuver events so they will end themselves. So he's trying to force all the decisions on you.

Sympathies on going through all this. Probably not an issue of right or wrong, just right for you or wrong for you. Good luck.

[Quantess]

13. Some of what you are saying is true

He may be trying to break up with me. I have challenged him "maybe we should just break up completely" but he shakes his head and says he doesn't want that. He says "No, I want you to believe in yourself". As though it were that simple.

He is definitely naive about how hard it is to get a job with just a resume and cover letter. I doubt he ever had to write a resume in his life. My boyfriend is definitely a hard worker, though, and has an excellent work history.

[old mark]

7. Be glad you got out of this - you do seem to be over it pretty much,

and I think you are better off.

Good luck on your job search - I am certain you will meet someone better suited. Just live your life and it will come to you.

:pals:

mark

[begin_within]

8. He doesn't love you, because

from the evidence you supplied here, he hasn't shown any concern about your feelings. So just move on.

[LostInAnomie]

10. I've never understood "I need some space".

For me, basically what it means is "I want to break up, but I want to keep you in a painful limbo first. That way, if you get upset with me and want to know what's going on, I can throw it in your face that you aren't giving me the space I wanted."

It's always been my experience that the combination of "I need some space" and "I still love you/I think you're a great guy", will eventually end with "Let's be friends". And, "friends" is patronizing bullshit.

I'm not saying that's what is going to happen to you, but I'd brace myself.

[LeftyMom]

11. He sounds like a douche. Tell him you'd like to get your stuff before he leaves.

Rent a truck if you have to, and bring enough friends that you can do it in one trip.

Then move on.

[Quantess]

24. I am going to get my stuff

while he is in South Dakota. I have to drive 3 hours but I am going to do it anyway.

[Iggo]

12. If he ain't called you in 3 weeks, he ain't yer boyfriend.

I'm just sayin'...

[Quantess]

19. I know, that's what I'm sayin'...

Why is he still holding me an emotional captive?

I'm thinking of a song
I think it goes set me free

[latebloomer]

33. It's up to you to free yourself

Something in you is holding yourself captive to him, but it sounds like you're getting ready to end that.

[GreenPartyVoter]

42. "You Keep me Hanging on" (The Supremes or Vanilla Fudge. Both of them are great.)

[SKKY]

16. DAMN IT!!!! Thanks for reminding me!!!!

:thumbsup:

[XemaSab]

17. So you're dating Dave now

Trust me: he treats everyone like this, and he's not worth it.

[Drunken Irishman]

23. Dump him, come to Utah and stay with me.

;)

[jeff30997]

25. Are you sure that...

Your 27 wives will be pleased about that ? :P

[DFW]

26. Oh, please. This is the 21st century.

I'm sure he has no more than ten wives tops.

[jeff30997]

27. OMG! You made my day !

:rofl:

[Drunken Irishman]

34. They've been talking about expanding.

We want to add another wing to our compound.

[Jamastiene]

28. Because they can.

If some guys know they can get by with it, they will. Some will do that to ya and some won't. It all depends on what you've allowed them to get by with in the past. You have to be assertive. If they won't get a clue, give them something to think about...walk.

[KG]

29. take a hint.

[Dyedinthewoolliberal]

30. Ummmmmmmmmmm

in this old mans opinion, dump the chump and look out for number one. When you find someone who truly cares for you he insist you make your own decsions regarding jobs etc. You might want to work on asking yourself what you want instead of what you think he might want...

[scheming daemons]

31. Um... "He's just not that into you"

Take a hint.

[Tuesday Afternoon]

32. If that is Love, I would want none of it

Please read my sigline...

[Moondog]

35. As a man with a certain amount of seasoning, I'd say this -

First, if there is a tension, a disconnect, between what the man is doing and what he is saying, believe what you see and ignore the conflicting verbiage.

Second, he is telling you that it is time to move on. It will prove to be his loss. In the long run, it is your gain.

[Tuesday Afternoon]

36. Did you mean this post to reply to the original OP?

I think. :hi:

[Moondog]

47. Yes, I meant to reply to the OP.

I went into edit to try and change that, but couldn't figure out how to fix it. Sorry.

[blogslut]

37. How important are your possessions?

Because frankly, if they're things you can live without, I would forget about them along with him.

[alarimer]

38. You're unemployed and he expected you to move out?

Class act.

I think you are better off without him. He sounds too controlling. You do not have to listen to him about jobs, etc. Do what YOU want to do. If the job doesn't pay enough, well, you can look for something. In the meantime it is something, which is a whole lot better than nothing.

[Orrex]

39. He sounds like an ass who doesn't have the courage to break up with you

When you go to pick up your stuff at his house, take a date.

[GreenPartyVoter]

40. I have hardly workled at all in the 15 years I have been married, but hubby hasn't

given me the boot.

I agree with you. Doesn't sound like a relationship anymore. :( :hug:

[Midlodemocrat]

41. That doesn't sound like someone who loves you.

Dump him, move on.

[Taverner]

43. Hate to say it, but it sounds like its over

Nobody's fault if it is, but get your stuff

[JVS]

44. We don't call unless there is some kind of news or a plan to make.

[Whoa_Nelly]

45. Apparently

You are not good enough for him.

He's a jerk.

Hang in there. You are worthy of so much more in life. :hug: :hug: :hug:

ps with love:
He's not your boyfriend anymore.
Sorry for the changes you are going through
:hug: again

[Brooklyns_Finest]

46. Get a clue

I'm usually one to take the guy side of things, but in this case I will give you some advice. Just let it go. He kicked you out, then did not call you (probably never would have called), and you are wondering what is going on? He is too much of a pansy to really break up with you in a manly way, so he is doing the disapearing act. I know this because I have done this. You are probably a realy sweet person and he doesn't want to hurt you (even though he is). The whole "i love you act" is him feeling guilty for kicking you to the curb--especially because of your employment situation.

I say get your stuff, get a job and move on with your life. In all honesty, he probably has one if not multiple women he is currently sleeping with. Most guys won't get rid of a woman (whether they like her or not) until they have found an adequate replacement.