It looks like there will not be a memorial service for my friend R

[KitchenWitch]

It has been almost 3 weeks since she died and there has not been any further notice. R and my mutual friends are all WTF about it, but her parents (who also happen to be her next of kin, as she is single), are kind of mentally screwed up individuals, so, it would appear that they are acting as if R never existed.

I am so upset about this, but there is not a damn thing I can do about it, especially from 1800 miles away.

:cry:

[Haole Girl]

1. It must be very difficult to be so far away

:hug:

[ThomCat]

2. Was their relationship that bad?

:(

That's horrible. I'm so very sorry. That is so very disrespectful.

:hug:

I wish you and the whole group of friends could somehow step in and do a memorial service for her. It would be for all of you as much as for her, after all.

I hope you can all connect somehow, share memories of her and show your respects. The dysfunctional family be damned.

[KitchenWitch]

3. Her mom is an extreme narcissist.

If it is not about H, it does not matter to H.

[Bunny]

4. Do you think you and your friends could organize a virtual memorial service?

Her folks may not be ready for anything, but perhaps this could help you and your mutual friends.

http://www.valleyoflife.com/?works/

[ThomCat]

5. That is a really good idea if everyone knows each other

at least well enough to pass the word around. :)

[Bunny]

6. Yeah, if everyone had pictures and stories to share that could be a very nice thing.

:hi: Thom!

[LaurenG]

7. I was going to say something very similar.

KW you and her other friends should do this for yourselves. I hope that there is some way that you can wish her farewell, so that you all can find some small amount of closure in your grief and loss...

[KitchenWitch]

9. Bunny, thank you for this link

I will definitely start something up.

At the moment I just posted a "virtual memorial" note on my FB page, and tagged my friends that knew her as well.

I will start the Valley of Life thing up later in the week.

[CaliforniaPeggy]

8. Oh, my dear KW...

That is just so awful...

:hug: :hug: :hug:

[KitchenWitch]

10. Her brother has always been the golden boy.

I know grief does crazy things to people, but I am having a difficult time not passing judgment upon her parents for this, especially knowing how they treated her in life.

[Hekate]

11. Then it is up to her friends, who loved her, to hold a memorial service...

How heartbreaking. :cry:

You have photos, you have letters, and most of all you have cherished memories to share with one another. Her body does not need to be present for a memorial service anyway.

I like the ideas here for the virtual memorial online, but if you all wanted to be together, that's also possible.

Would you have traveled 1800 miles to a funeral if her parents had held one? Is there anyone where she lived that could spearhead such a project? Was she a member of a religious group that could help out? If not, ask the local Unitarian Universalist or Unity minister (they are different, but in my experience both open-hearted) for some suggestions. Your desire for this community ritual is entirely appropriate.

It should not be terribly hard nor overly expensive (except travel expenses) to do this if your friends pool their resources for simple flowers and a potluck meal someplace. Creating a brief lay service with eulogies is also doable, though again if you wanted (or think your friend would have wanted) to involve clergy that can be done as well.

There is nothing to prevent you except the custom that families take care of their own -- and since her family has declined that task for reasons unknown, your friend's family of friends can do it if you and they choose.

:hug:

Hekate

[KitchenWitch]

12. I will be in Minneapolis for about a week in June

I can see if we can arrange something for then.

[SoCalDem]

13. On the one year anniversary, you and her friends could have a Meet-Halfway memorial for her

Gives you a year to plan it and it gives you a way to memorialize her in your own way..

[KitchenWitch]

14. That is a really good idea!

:hi:

[Robeson]

15. I think SoCalDem has a really good idea...

...on edit: before I hit the post button too soon, I'm sorry about all this, KitchenWitch.... :hug:

[KitchenWitch]

16. Thank you Robeson.

:hug:

I have been reaching out to a lot of folks that I had lost touch with because of this. I do not want to lose them again.

[Quantess]

17. Death brings out the unfriendly and weird in people, too often.

Especially if it was an untimely death. Any time someone dies "too young", naturally there will be shock, and blaming others, and resentment of someone, however misguided the resentment and blame may be.

You haven't said how old your friend was, but I'm guessing everyone expected her to live a lot longer.

Edit to add: I'm sorry for your loss. It sucks to lose a friend.

[liberaltrucker]

18. I wasn't aware, KW

My heart grieves. For you, and R.

:hug:

[alphafemale]

19. My daughter (college age) had a friend who was killed in a traffic accident

And while there "was" a memorial service, it was probably not the one the girl would have wanted.

It was very Christian centric and this girl had very much self identified as Pagan.

Her friends organized a memorial that was more fitting to who she actually was.

[Rabrrrrrr]

20. Sorry for your loss. But, there's nothing in the rulebook that says you can't do one.

Get your friends together, and have one of your own.