Have you ever Googled an old lover, and found something tragic?

[mentalsolstice]

I have an old boyfriend, who was the love of my life. The relationship (3 years) was so passionate...in fact the passion was so intense, it was the reason why we couldn't make it stick (long story, made short). The relationship took place in the early to mid-80s. However, I Googled today, and found that his 21 y.o. son was killed in an accident last month. There were pictures, and he was the spitting image of his dad. I've had no contact with my ex-lover since 1985-86. Since I've known him, he has been married several times.

Mind you, I'm happily married. With a combination of dating, living together and marriage, I've been with my spouse for a happy 18 years. However, our relationship has never been as intense, passionate or complicated as the former one. My current relationship is a very comfortable "best friends wit legal benefits and great sexual benefits" type of relationship.

However, I'm really crying tonight. I cannot be there for the old lover, and I don't have anyone to confide in about the pain and sympathy I feel for him and the precious son who is now gone. I just want to curl up in a closet and cry for him, but how would I explain it. When you've known someone so intimately, how can you deal with their tragedy

And I want to reach out him, but I know that I can't...

[lost-in-nj]

1. ...

don't have any words of wisdom

just


:hug:

and wow

I am sorry


I know what you mean

one day I will share


lost

[mentalsolstice]

2. Backatcha

:hug: I don't know how to deal with it. My husband knows a little about the relationship, however, we've never been into talking about anything past us. I can't confide in my mom because she always considered the ex-lover to be a loser. And as far as relationships go, he probably was. I was the rebound for 3 years after he caught his 1st wife cheating on him. The son was from his 2nd wife, and he's now on his 4th wife (google and court records are your friend). And the fact I know all of this, makes me feel unhealthy (curiosity or cyber-stalking?)...until I found out about the death of his son. Until today, I just felt it was more curiosity and wondering what my life might have been (or not). Now I feel so much sorrow, it's hard to explain.

I just feel so sad now, knowing my ex-lover, intimately, and the tragedy it would be for him to lose a child.

Right now, I wish I could be there, and wrap my arms and heart around him and let him cry.


Edited for clarification.

[mentalsolstice]

3. Kick

I'm really hurting for an old lover and friend, and I don't know how to handle it. Should I reach out?

[mentalsolstice]

4. kick, please advise.

My heart is really hurting right now.

[siligut]

5. Not what you want to hear.

You will probably confuse him after all this time and possibly hurt your own marriage. I gather you had a special bond, but you are asking us if you should step into the fire.

Make your heart some tea and :hug: Do the smart thing.

[mentalsolstice]

8. You're right

I should find a time to have my own grief session, for the father and the son, by myself. I'm into Zen, and I need to look into my own strength and resources.

Yet I feel so sad for his daddy.

[CC]

40. No you shouldn't.

Hopefully he has people around him now that care and will be there for him. His emotions are raw and he has enough to deal with and does not need anything else added. Unfortunately I know from experience how raw things are when losing a son and emotions stay raw (and painful) for a long time. It is hard enough to stay sane and heal without extra stress.

If you really feel the need to do something, find the funeral home and send a donation to a non-profit or even send flowers through them with your sympathies.

[CaliforniaPeggy]

6. My dear mentalsolstice...

I've never been in your place, but you describe it so vividly that I see...

I have been far away from people that I love when they've had trouble, and boy, did I ever want to be there...

And I couldn't.

And you can't, either...

Do your grieving...

He will be very sad of course for a long time, but he will go on...

It's a terrible thing to lose an adult child. I've gotten close to Khashka's mom since his death, and it has been terrible for her...

:hug:

My deepest condolences to you...

[mentalsolstice]

7. Thank you Peg!

I'm just so sad about what this old lover must be going through. No parent should have to live through the death of a child. And I feel strongly for this parent because of our intense intimate relationship. I'm grieving the loss of a child he had, yet, the one we never had because we couldn't get it together.

I don't know what to do now, if nothing. Or to let him know that he is in my best thoughts.

[WinkyDink]

20. This is an awful circumstance, but sounds risky to enter it.

[Blue_Tires]

9. i saw one former lover turned fundie jesus freak

and way back when we were an item, she was instaiable -- i'm talking borderline sex addict...anytime or place, no matter how public or dangerous...she straight up wore me out...

woe to the men everywhere...

[JCMach1]

10. Yes, she's now a lesbian...

Seems very strange having spent some very hot time in bed with her...

Not that there is anything at all wrong with being a lesbian... just makes you go hmmmmmmmmm.

[blueraven95]

11. ...

:hug: :hug:

my first instinct would be to not get involved, but I do not think it would be improper to send a sympathy card. I personally would not do more than that, and I would be extremely careful of having any contact outside that card.

[Bunny]

15. That's what I would do, too.

No real harm can come from sending a sincere sympathy card, and it may help to soothe his heart.

[HopeFor2006]

43. I agree

A card would be a good way to let him know you are thinking of him without risking your marriage

[pitohui]

12. well a high school bf

he was from a well to do family and i actually did not expect to learn anything except that he was at the top of his medical career, unfortunately, it appears that he acquired a serious illness as a young man (as a opposed to a teen) and i guess he has passed away by now because he pretty much drops out of the records after that

not going to intrude on the family either way just to satisfy my curiosity, it's clear that if he is still living, he is seriously disabled and unable to do the things he'd hoped for himself in life, what happiness could come from having people from the distant past poke and stare at him?

in your shoes, i would DEFINITELY not contact this man, he sounds like he has way too many problems beside the death of the child, "multiple" marriages? just no, plant a flower or make a donation secretly in the boy's name, but never ever EVER contact this person again in my humble opinion

[YellowRubberDuckie]

13. Yes.

However, it was when I put his name into the Oklahoma Court Network's website. Apparently the guy has six illegitimate children, and has had to be sued by their mothers to pay child support. He's finally married now, but boy, did that kid sew some wild oats in college.
Duckie

[Forkboy]

14. Not tragic, but one old friend went on to be a soft porn actress, and is now...

...engaged to Thomas Hayden Church.

Go figure.

[Heidi]

21. She's pretty (and I have no objection to what she does for a living)

but those boots are a real affront.

[Forkboy]

27. LOL...no doubt.

Should have seen the big hair in the early 80's. :)

[Fran Kubelik]

41. Ha, I saw your subject....

and KNEW you would post something about the boots in the message. I agree. ;)

[Heidi]

48. Am I becoming _that_ widely known as

a fashion commentator? :rofl:

Mornin', sunshine! :hug:

[Fran Kubelik]

49. More like - it was the first thing I thought..

...and I like to think that you and I approach a lot of things the same way. ;)


on edit - good morning! :hug:

[BlueIris]

16. Yeah, I Googled my ex a while ago. He's still alive. nt

[WildEyedLiberal]

39. Yeah, that's the real tragedy of my ex, too

Sadly, he's still out there and no doubt as much of a user, manipulator, and sociopath as he was when I knew him.

[Canuckistanian]

17. I recently found an old GF from the 70's

She's on the board of some water utility.

I saw her picture - and..... didn't recognize her at all. She was NOTHING like I remembered her.

*sigh*

I guess I'll have to live with my memories.

[LisaM]

18. Not me, but this happened to my college roommate

she found out that a guy she'd had a relationship with had died in a fiery train crash. And there was nothing she could do, because their relationship had been, shall we say, illicit, and most people didn't know about it.

I recently read something very interesting about not being able to get over past affairs. The point was not that you missed the other person - but that you missed the person you, yourself, were back then. It applied to me quite well.

I agree that you should not contact the person.

[BlueIris]

24. Another reason I think people fixate on past significant others: guilt.

One reason I held onto memories of my ex for so long was that I felt guilty about the way I treated him during the relationship. Yes, he was abusive to me, too, but I still knew that my behavior, self-defense or not, was not acceptable.

[lightningandsnow]

19. I had a friend who did.

:hug:

She googled her boyfriend's name and found out that he had been in prison twice, and, when he was in prison, contracted a flesh-eating infection. And his last girlfriend died.

Seriously. It was intense.

[Haole Girl]

22. Sending hugs...

:hug: :hug: :hug:

Something you said makes me want to try to explain a phenomenon to you. I just hope you won't think I'm preaching to you. When we look back on a relationship, we often remember only the good (sort of like that old song entitled "The Way we Were"..."what's too painful to remember, we simply choose to forget..."). You sound like you know it couldn't have worked, yet still have regrets it didn't. Always remember this: it didn't work. It keeps our filtered memories from getting us into too much trouble. Ok... now I am preaching. Sorry.

Thanks to your thread, I just did a google search of both my ex boyfriends from college. Both of them are leading extremely successful lives in the business world & doing things like climbing the Alps! Gave me a bit of an inferiority complex! Oh well, at least I know they are alive and well.

Have another hug... :hug:

here's the song I was talking about: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=9DJAXqaFiBU

[mopinko]

23. argh. mine died this march

and i have to sign up for a free trial of a paid service to see the rest of the obit. sure it is he, tho.
well, i guess that is a little sore spot in my heart that can be laid to rest as well.

[Blue_In_AK]

25. Not an old lover,

but an old friend from high school/college who died from a heroin overdose in the years following his return from Vietnam. It broke my heart.

[mentalsolstice]

26. Thanks to all who replied

I had a real good cry the other night, and it was very cleansing. May this young man rest in peace, and may his father find peace in the good memories of his kid.

It's been a good lesson about googling the past. I'm going to keep this on a strictly curiosity level. No need to go back, the present moment is what counts most. And for me, the present is pretty damned good.

[Haole Girl]

36. You are doing the smart thing by not contacting him

Trust me on this one. :hug:

[Bucky]

28. That is such a heart renching story.

Your instinct is right, coming out the blue to console him would be more disorienting than helpful. You need to wait a decent time and let his life settle down a bit if you're serious about reestablishing a friendship.

The only thing I've ever found out by googling exes is that one got married and another finished her nun vows.

[Eurobabe]

29. I googled an old boyfriend that I lived with

for a couple of years in the late 80s. Turns out he DID make alot of money selling real estate, like he said he would. Problem is I dumped him because prior to becoming a heavy-hitter he was leeching off of me, I didn't think it was such a big deal to ask him to pay half of the rent, utilities: he did. So I gave him the big boot-eroo. Surprisingly he stayed in our area, I thought he had moved back to NYC. I tried to get him to show me a house a couple years ago, but he pawned me off on his "partner." Not sure if he knew it was me or not (I've legally changed my first name). I gave enough information that he could have put 2&2 together. I do regret the way our relationship ended, there was no mending fences on his part, he was thoroughly pissed off, forever.

I still have occasional dreams about him, we had a rather wild and passionate relationship, but he was not grown-up enough for me in the end (although my husband now was born the same year, hubby is light years ahead of J. in maturity level!) And I would have never had the wonderful experiences that I've had in life had I not married my German guy. :D

My story is not tragic, and in the end it sounds like yours isn't either, except you can't show sympathy for him during his time of loss. Maybe at some point you can contact him, after he has healed a bit? :hug:

[zanne]

38. How do you google someone with a very common name?

I've tried googling a few people from my past to no avail.

[Eurobabe]

47. This guy as a very common last name, BUT, I knew that

he used to work for a certain well-known US real estate franchise, and just followed the dots.

When I saw his picture I just about :puke: Let's just say the years haven't been kind to him and leave it at that. :evilgrin:

[zanne]

52. How do you look up women you knew as a girl? nt

[Eurobabe]

53. that's alot harder because women usually drop

their maiden names. I've had little luck connecting with some of my childhood friends, unless I've stayed in touch with them throughout the years. I am still in contact with my best friend from 3rd grade, she lives in the same town (for almost 50 years!!) and goes to Church with my godparents, so I hear from them from time to time about her, and she and I just reconnected last week via email. I would love to find some of my other childhood pals. :D

I did just also reconnect with my Kindergarten teacher, only because I knew that he went to WVU, so I wrote to their alumni association and they forwarded my email to him. That was very cool. :hi:

[Skittles]

30. there is no reason why you cannot send condolences

I think it would be a lovely and kind thing for you to do

[pitohui]

32. no read the OP again w. particular attention to the phrase i've picked out

she writes --

However, our relationship has never been as intense, passionate or complicated as the former one. My current relationship is a very comfortable "best friends wit legal benefits and great sexual benefits" type of relationship.

if she values what she has, she needs to distance herself from the troubled ex who has more problems than the loss of a son, tragic as it is, we have a guy who has been divorced more than once, a "passionate" read "has problems" type

she needs to not contact this person in any way whatsoever at all, it would not be wise to take a chance at awakening these passions!!!

people in pain can be very selfish, and i can easily see the ex using his own grief and need for comfort as an excuse to reach out possibly sexually to the poster

who needs the complication? she cannot ease the loss of a child, no one can do that

she can only protect herself and her own family

[Skittles]

34. I think that's pretty sad

if a relationship is so shaky you cannot offer condolences for the death of someone's child

[Skittles]

31. dup

[Zavulon]

33. Yes.

One of my exes was killed in a car accident in Colorado, along with her son. I didn't Google her name myself, one of my friends Googled her and forwarded me the links after he verified that it was in fact the same person he thought it was.

Not to sound cold, but my sympathy for her is minimal because she was drunk behind the wheel. All of my sympathy goes to her son and the rest of her family. Even if I tried, I couldn't feel sorry for anyone who would drink and drive with one of her children in the car. In that sense, she made the news a lot easier to take.

[old mark]

35. Thanks for the idea, OP! I googled an old lady friend,

found out she is a psychologist in Alberta, Canada.

Glad to know she did good, always thought she would.

mark

[NewJeffCT]

37. A few months back

I thought I saw a woman that was a spitting image of my ex-wife... so, I googled her name and it turns out she was getting remarried in like two weeks (a month ago now)and was still local, so it likely was her... I was surprised she was still in the area, to be honest, as her family is from NJ and I figured she would have moved back there in the past 10 years.

Obviously, not a tragic story like yours.

[XemaSab]

42. Apparently I go for losers:

Two crack addicts and a dude who married a bigamist. :banghead:

[Forkboy]

44. Then I'm your man!

:rofl:

[XemaSab]

45. Crack addict? Gay? History of trouble with the law? Date only hoochies who treat you like garbage?

And finally: have you ever tried to commit suicide by jumping out of a eucalyptus tree? :shrug: :banghead:

[Forkboy]

46. Errr...I have had lots of trouble with the law, but you got me on the other ones.

Never done crack, I'm not gay, and my ex-girlfriends and ex-wife were all pretty cool people who treated me good.

I have seriously considered suicide quite a few times, but never by jumping from a eucalyptus tree. I'd hate to bum out the koalas by subjecting them to such a sight. :D

[fudge stripe cookays]

50. So sorry for your ex's loss...

and the pain you are feeling. I don't think a sympathy card is out of line. As long as it doesn't go any further than that. He doesn't sound like a stable person for a relationship, to jump from something comfortable to a rollercoaster again.

One of my exes was a loser. We tried three times to make it work, and we just couldn't. Great sex but not much else. He took me for granted, and was married to his bong. That's ALL he thought about.

After we broke up the last time, he went back to school (!) and he got married and got his shit together. I don't know if the fact that I told him he needed to grow up had anything to do with that, but I'd like to think it did.

Flash forward a few MORE years...he had divorced his first wife, and we hooked up a bit when we were both "between things." He told me that when I had called him immature, I was right, and that he'd been really stupid.

He got together with another ex girlfriend and moved to Colorado, married her, and became some bigwhig at the United Way. They are ALSO now divorced. I'm relieved every day that we did not end up together. I'd end up ex wife #___ in series of them.

[RetroLounge]

51. No, but I did find an old lover in the Chicago Tribune

in an article talking about how she was raped and murdered.

So, yeah, that would be considered tragic.

:cry:

RL

[LiberalHeart]

54. No, but googling led me to an ex-lover's son -- conceived when I thought he was faithful to me.

[Tikki]

55. Yes....

Well, he wasn't really an old lover...but, a really super cool
young man I worked with...
I knew he had gone to Prison in a far away State :cry: and I knew why...
It wasn't until I went online with my computer that I learned he was gone.


Tikki RIP...RWP

[Iggo]

56. I just tried it.

There's only one ex-lover I cared that much about. So I googled her name and...absolutely NOTHING came up. Nothing at all.

That's right. The love of my life gave me a fake name!

:rofl:

[Q3JR4]

57. I'd advise that you

refrain from contacting him. If you feel the need to do something, send unsigned flowers with your condolences and/or make a gift donation in the son's name to a charitable organization you support.

From the sound of it he has a lot on his plate to deal with. If the feelings you both had in the past were mutual, then you'd just be adding something else.

That may or may not be the best thing for the father.

Q3JR4.