Eight years since she's been gone

[McPainsBrain]

Another thread in this forum made me remember how precious and fragile life is. I'm 23. I lost my mom almost eight years ago in a car accident. She was picking me up from a Halloween party at midnight. A drunk driving asshole hit the driver's side door and she died less than 24 hours later of internal bleeding. I survived, but sometimes I wish I hadn't. For a couple years after my dad started drinking and I think he blamed me for her death.

"If you hadn't insisted on going to that stupid party, you guys wouldn't have been out on the road in the wee hours, blah blah." The guilt wracked me at times. My dad and I reconciled by the time I left for college three years later and I think we're closer now than we were before the accident. I'm an only child so it's me or nobody for him.

It seems weird not having your mom at your high school or college graduations when pretty much everyone else has their mom there. It's always awkward explaining to people who ask questions that she's dead. They feel awkward and stupid for bringing it up, even though they shouldn't. How could they have known? It's just a conversation killer.
In 18 days it will be 8 years since, and it gets a tiny bit easier, although you never really forget.

It enrages me when I hear about people drinking and driving. I've literally severed friendships when I found out that some of my former friends were drinking and driving. They tried to rationalize it to me by asking how they were expected to drive 15 miles back from downtown when they're shitfaced. I wasn't interested. Call a cab or have a DD. Shit, I'd even pick them up at 3 AM just to avoid having them drink and drive, as long as they didn't make a habit of those calls. People are just selfish. That's what it comes down to.

She would have turned 48 last month.

[Tektonik]

1. There're too many stories out there just like yours

I wouldn't mind seeing the penalty for drunk driving upped a lot. I just cannot understand the rationale of it; I've been drunk plenty of times and I know there are certain things one cannot do (drive, pick up a baby, piss inside a small toilet bowl while standing, etc.).

[McPainsBrain]

4. Indeed.

Here's another story from just today:

http://www.sfgate.com/cgi-bin/article.cgi?f=/c/a/2008/10/13/BAEI13G669.DTL&feed=rss.bayarea

[ScreamingMeemie]

2. I am so sorry.

Life is just so unfair.
May your life, from now on, be filled with only joy.

:hug:

[McPainsBrain]

6. thanks mrsgrumpy

I wish the same for you.

[Rabrrrrrr]

3. I think drunk drivers are some of the worst slime of humanity.

There is that visceral part of me that would love to make drunk driving an executable offense - and executable right there on the side of the road.

There is almost no one more selfish, more self-focused, more self-absorbed, more apathetic to the rest of the world than the drunk driver.

Pure fucking inhuman scum, IMO.

I'm sorry for the pain you've had to endure.

[McPainsBrain]

5. thank you guys

rabrrrrr,

I had to dump a girl recently because I found out she drives drunk. She acted like it was no big deal. People my age are so stupid.

[vard28]

7. Some people of all ages are stupid

The drunk driver that almost took my life was on his third DWI and he was 53 years old. Unfortunately people of all ages can be stupid. You have the right to disassociate yourself from stupid. I don't do stupid either. I can only try to understand your grief, but know that there are other people out there who think like you do. :hug:

Drunk driving incidents (notice I don't use the word accident; backing into a mailbox can be an accident, drunk driving isn't) can tear families apart. I'm glad to hear that your dad is in your life in a positive way now.

[MountainLaurel]

20. Other countries have it right

You get caught drunk driving, you lose your license. Permanently. Of course, they also treat driving as a privilege rather than a right and make drivers go through elaborate hoops to prove they are worthy of that privilege.

[Rabrrrrrr]

22. Absolutely - and that's what we should have.

One fuckup, and you never drive again.

Of course, the sad part is that even in the areas of the country (which is probably all of them - I think everywhere in America, at at least some number of drunk driving offenses, one's license is revoked), when someone's license is revoked, they just keep driving anyway. And then, of course, they're not insured, so their victims are doubly fucked.

[Dangerously Amused]

8. Sorry for your loss.

And I am glad to see you standing up for your principles like that. You may have lost some friends, but you also may have saved some lives.

Peace.

[RFKHumphreyObama]

9. Words are inadequate, I know

I'm so, so very sorry beyond words. My deepest, sincerest and most heartfelt thoughts, prayers, condolences and sympathies to you on this anniversary:hug: :hug:

I agree with you about drink drivers. I could go on a long enraged rant about my thoughts and feelings on them but ultimately I'll sum it up by saying that I consider their actions unforgivablly evil.

Once again my deepest and sincerest sympathies, thoughts and prayers to you, your father and your wider family on the anniversary of your loss:hug:

[flvegan]

10. First of all, IT'S NOT YOUR FAULT

Someone got drunk and drove. If your dad has any blame for you, he's wrong. You already know that, but I just wanted to reinforce that.

It's shameful that people do selfish things that cost other people a loss that hurts them so deeply.

[emilyg]

11. I am sorry.

:hug:

[grannylib]

12. I'm so sorry...my grandchildren deal with this all the time. My

oldest daughter was killed by a drunk driver almost 11 years ago, and I miss her so much I can barely stand it some days, still after all these years...
We take the kids as often as we can; they're 12 and 13 now, and ever since my darling girl died, it's been so hard to overhear conversations where they're getting acquainted with some other child/ren, and the question always comes up. When they were really little, and someone would ask where their mom was, they would kind of look at each other, look back at the kid who asked, and in unison, point to the sky. Broke my heart; still does.
My husband and I are pretty young for grandparents, and are often mistaken for their mom and dad, so that causes some tough moments too. When the kids explain that we are their grandparents, and other kids ask where their mom is, it's just so painful. My grandson doesn't remember her at all, he was only 18 months old when she died. My granddaughter remembers her a little bit, but she was barely more than a baby herself, at two and a half...
My daughter would have been 30 this year.

Some years ago, I overheard my grandson talking to his sister, and they didn't know I was listening. He said, "I know when we die and go to heaven, we'll get to live with Jesus and see our mom, 'cos that's where she lives now. And I know what she looks like, 'cos I've seen her picture, but how am I going to recognize her voice when she calls my name?" I think I cried harder that day than I did the day she died. What a thought for a little boy to have...my little best buddy. I do have some video of her, with sound, so I dug out the tapes and put them where the kids can play them whenever they want when they're here, and now he knows his mom's voice. I can't watch 'em yet; I tried one night a few years ago, and it's just torture. I miss her too much; it's too hard. But I'm glad I have those for the kids.

I'm so sorry for your loss. And I too am enraged by drinking and driving. I give gift certificates for the local cab company to kids I know when they turn 21. I'd pick up anyone, anywhere, if they called me for a ride. I don't want anyone else to suffer the torture we've suffered, and that you have suffered, if I can do anything to help it.

I'm so sorry...my heart aches for you. :hug:

[auntAgonist]

14. .......

:hug:


aA
kesha

[Withywindle]

13. I am so, so sorry.

Your poor dad, too. YOu can always play the what-if game when someone dies suddenly and tragically. (I had a friend killed by a stray bullet from a gang shooting...while waiting for the bus...in a generally not-especially-bad neighborhood...on a Sunday afternoon. Well, yeah, technically if he hadn't been there he might not be dead - but there was no reason to think he shouldn't be there!). It's no one's fault but that of the person who drove drunk. Or of that person's "friends" who weren't good enough friends to take the keys away and set up another ride somehow.

Again, I am just so sorry. :hug:

[auntAgonist]

15. so young ...

I'm sorry your Mom's gone.

I get SO angry when I hear of drunken driving.

:hug:

aA
kesha

[amitten]

16. It wasn't your fault. Your Dad knows that, too. Grief causes

people to look for someone--anyone--to blame. Grief makes you say, "if only..."

It's human nature.

I'm so sorry for you and your family. I believe your Mom knows how much she was and is loved.

[bluesbassman]

17. Accept the guilt you may be feeling, but shitcan the shame.

People say things in situations like yous th try to make their pain/guilt/shame lessen.

My mom passed from liver cancer 11 years ago, I felt at the time that thee was more I could have down for her, and from that I felt pain and guilt. Time has given me perspective and peace about that, so I no longer beat myself up with guilt. For a time I felt shame that she had "allowed" herself to get to that state. Again time has allowed me to realize that SHE chose her lifestyle, and if that wasn't the cause, it certainly was a contributor.

The pain of the loss never truly goes away, and honestly I hope it never does, You see that little twinge of pain reminds me of her, and I can easily replace the painful thought with a happy memory. The benefit then, is that her memory is continually being brought to light in my mind, and that is the benefit is that she is always there to honor enjoy through my memories of her.

Be good to yourself McPainsBrain, you have a log and happy life ahead of you. A life that can be a monument in progress to the memory of your Mother.

Peace, bluessbassman.:hug:

[onlyadream]

18. I'm sorry...

:(

What a horrible thing.
It's NOT your fault, so don't ever blame yourself. I read a book a while back called Journey of Souls by Dr. Michael Newton - it is an amazing book about life, death and reincarnation. It really helped to explain such tragedies.

[BarenakedLady]

19. I'm so sorry.

:hug:

[RadiationTherapy]

21. 15 year olds MUST go to halloween parties! That is essential.

Drinking and driving is bullshits.