Question please...for anyone...but, especially, I would like to hear

[Tuesday Afternoon]

from Divorced Dads with Adult Children in regards to the dating scene...

Say -- you make plans to go out with someone whom you have told them that they hold a special place in your life. You have been trying to get together with this person for a long time (several months). Your adult daughter, whom you haven't seen in 3 months calls and, wants to come visit on the same day for which you have planned to meet that someone special. What do you do?

[supernova]

1. Hmm, who would be more likely

to be disappointed at a reschedule?

Obviously, you'd want to spend time with both of them. I'd try to discern who has more wiggle room in their schedule. Can you see the daughter on the previous evening perhaps? Or is she making a special trip from out of town? It's those kinds of considerations.


Or is it something where you can see the daughter in the daytime, and see the new girlfriend in the evening. A full day, but not at all undoable.

Or, if you're so inclined, perhaps arrange for something for the three of you to do? Presumably if this lady friend already has a special place in your heart, it would be alright for them to meet.

[Tuesday Afternoon]

4. thanks for replying.

:hug:

[La Lioness Priyanka]

2. see my daughter. i know, this is not really addressed to me

but i am pretty sure my dad would drop his life if i asked him to

[Tuesday Afternoon]

5. thanks for replying.

must be nice to have that kind of dad.

[billyskank]

3. I'd rearrange the daughter visit.

Really, it's such a simple answer to this sort of thing. You keep the arrangement which was made first.

[Tuesday Afternoon]

6. thanks for replying billyskank...

:hi:

[RoyGBiv]

7. Depends on the circumstances really ...

My daughter and I live in different states. She works and is going to college. Naturally, we don't get a lot of time to see each other.

If she says she's coming to see me, I'd drop everything to make time for her.

If she lived a couple blocks over and it were a visit she could make any time, it might be different.

[Tuesday Afternoon]

8. thanks for replying...

this daughter lives about 2 hours away. :shrug:

[marzipanni]

9. Do the dad and special-place-in-life person live close to each other?

Why has it taken so long to get together?
(Is this a case of intimacy>commitment>cold feet?:scared:)

[Tuesday Afternoon]

10. without going into a lot of detail and backstory...

I really don't know what his problem is. He wants to reschedule for tomorrow. This is the 5th or 6th time this has happened, something always comes up, either his father, one of his daughters or his granddaughter needs attention of some sort.

Somehow, I don't think I am going to be in the mood tomorrow.

[Rabrrrrrr]

12. 5 or 6 times delaying the same date? Write him off.

He might be interested - but in my opinion, he's interested only on his own terms.

Either selfish to an extreme, or utterly unable to handle his family.

Either way, a potentially very unreliable person.

[Tuesday Afternoon]

18. I agree.

His family may be able to rely on him but, I never will.

[harmonicon]

16. assuming that he isn't lying...

someone who puts family first is probably pretty solid and the sort of person that you'd like to get to know better.

[Tuesday Afternoon]

17. interesting...

most everyone else in this thread, are saying to forget him. Maybe he is solid with his family but, I don't think I will ever be family...know what I mean...??

[harmonicon]

28. yeah, I know what you mean

sucks.... sorry. I guess maybe try to keep making things work, but not exclusively, so that you're open to something else coming up maybe?

[Tuesday Afternoon]

30. he already knows he is not exclusive...

and, he knows why he is not exclusive.

I do not respect someone who teaches their kids that confirmed dates mean absolutely nothing.

[Tuesday Afternoon]

11. Update --

he could be lying :shrug:

how will I ever know the difference?

[CreekDog]

13. If I were the child, I would want my dad to keep his plan and not regret it by visiting the next day

:think:

[Tuesday Afternoon]

19. I doubt she ever knew he had made plans...

if, in fact this is really the truth.

[cwydro]

14. This guy sounds like a loser.

Red flags all over the place...since you say it has happened again and again.

[Tuesday Afternoon]

21. with a Capital "L" ...

good to see you :hug: :hi:

[Deep13]

15. You already have plans. nt

[Tuesday Afternoon]

22. you know it !!

My grass needs mowing and my car needs washing ;)

[Inchworm]

20. Tell daughter she should call more often...

and that yer busy tryin to get your groove on. .. how bout next Tuesday?

:hug:

PS: really, that's what I'd say

[Tuesday Afternoon]

23. confused but, laughing...

I guess you think HE should tell his daughter that, not me :shrug: :D :hi:

[Inchworm]

24. yup

You're right :)

I am researching water travel in marigolds!

:rofl:

[Tuesday Afternoon]

25. I hope that works...with food coloring. Is that how the florists do it?

Post pictures, too :)

[Inchworm]

26. LoL

I just hope I remember it in the morning. I should. but stranger things have happened.

:blush:

[ppenelope]

40. How often does the OP see his/her daughter?

That is an important part

[RadicalTexan]

27. As the daughter of divorced parents

I think it depends on why the daughter's coming and how old she is and how close you are. If she's an irresponsible 35-year-old twit, she'll have to wait. If she's 18 and needs your presence and support, she definitely comes first.

Regardless, if your daughter feels like she's second fiddle to someone it sounds like you're merely "dating," that's not cool.

Sorry, you had a kid. You're a parent first. Always.

[Tuesday Afternoon]

29. in this case --

it is a 23 yr old spoiled brat.

[BeachBaby]

31. Is he recently divorced?

I've read quite a bit on how people try to keep the same "rhythm" going for everybody else, after the divorce. In other words, they feel guilt about how the divorce affects their children, so in order to compensate, they go through hoops to keep everything as much the same as they possibly can.

I got divorced 2.5 years ago....and I know how the guilt thing can really do a number on the mind; but eventually everyone adapts to the changes and goes with the flow. It just takes some time. However, if the kids pick up on that guilt, they can play on that for as long as the parent allows it to continue.

[Tuesday Afternoon]

34. It is about 3 yrs now. I have been involved with him since day one

of the divorce...and yes, his two girls know his guilt and play him like a fiddle. His oldest, Sarah is especially good at it. His youngest, Mary had some real problems had first but, has since straightened her life out and is very independent. Sarah uses her Dad's guilt to her advantage. He admits that Sarah is his favorite. This is a girl that got the Lexus in college in order to keep up with Jone's kids while Daddy drove a beat up Cheverolet. She totaled the Lexus and he bought her another car. This is not a rich man. He works hard for his money. He is an electrician.

I just got off the phone with him. He said that Sarah had some "real" problems and needed to talk with him. He did not say what those "real" problems were.

[ferrferr]

32. It depends ..

I'm divorced, but my child is not quite 4 years old yet (and hasn't seen her bio-father in over 2 years).

Could there not be a balance between the two?

If I went to go see my parents and they were like "hey, we're going out to dinner so uh, yeah we won't be there" I'd be hurt. Of course if I didn't call them in advance and just did it on a whim then it's not their fault and I can't expect them to always drop what they are doing. As an adult myself I know about common courtesy unlike a small child.

Of course if it were an emergency situation I'd give up a date with Vin Diesel to be with my kid regardless of their age. ;)

[Tuesday Afternoon]

35. I think the issue here is the definition of "emergency" ....

with this man..."emergency" is very broadly defined. This girl is 24 years old and lives 2 hours away. He could very easily have told her to come on and spend Saturday night and they could have talked on Sunday. I am not saying he should ignore her just that his word to me means something too.

If this had been the first time, I would be more forgiving...this is becoming a pattern.

I think Sarah is jealous of her Dad's relationship with me and wants to keep her Dad away from me.

[rbnyc]

33. As the adult daughter of a divorced dad...

...I can say that I adore my dad's new wife and was very happy when they first started dating. I wasn't always happy with my dad's dates, and I do remember not liking competing for his attention. But I didn't feel that way with his new wife, I think because she was really the right woman for him and they were so happy together. I'm so grateful for her, really. I would hate for my dad to be alone.

I think that 3 months is actually not that long, and you did have plans prior to your daughter calling. She's a grown-up. If I were you, I would just tell her that you made other plans that would be difficult to reschedule and could you see her another day. If she asks what plans, tell her.

But you know your daughter best.

Good luck.

[Tuesday Afternoon]

36. It is his daughter and Yes, I agree, that this time he should have

told her he had plans for Saturday and why not meet on Sunday. This was not an emergency, she just needed to talk with her Dad....(this is all the info I have)

[mike_c]

37. (fake voice) I'm sorry, that number is no longer in service....

(a few days later) Oh, gee-- I dunno-- damned phone company....

[Tuesday Afternoon]

38. heehee...

been there and done that already with this man. Tired of playing games. ~sigh~
I think this is were the rubber meets the road. Know what I mean?

Are you a divorced Dad with Adult Children? Have you read the whole thread?
I have not heard from many divorced Dads with Adult Children and I am really interested in their take on this.

[mike_c]

39. yep-- I'm divorced with a 28 year old daughter....

Her mom and I are still good friends too, which sometimes complicates other involvements even more. I joked in my reply but only because I don't have any real advice to offer. My daughter lives across the country and we only see one another annually or so, so if I had a schedule conflict with anyone but a firing squad when she was planning a visit they'd just have to wait.

[Tuesday Afternoon]

41. never mind

changed my mind