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XemaSab Donating Member (1000+ posts) Send PM | Profile | Ignore Sat Jun-21-08 07:23 AM
Original message
My mom is SUCH a bitch
I really can't deal with this at all.

Since I moved back here 6 weeks ago, I have talked to each of my three closest friends ONCE each. Why is that? Because I can't have a goddamn phone conversation in this house.

Last night I went to go call my friend Clay and my mom told me that if I wanted to make a phone call I should go in my room. I said "No, I'm going in the back yard." My mom then said well why didn't I go in the front yard so she could go in the back yard to smoke while I was on the phone. I again reiterated that I was GOING to go in the back yard to talk on the phone and if she wanted to smoke SHE could go in the front yard.

So I go out back and I can my friend (for the second time in six weeks.)

I'm on the phone for 5 goddamn minutes and she comes out SCREECHING that I ate all the Fritos and now she doesn't have anything to eat with her ham sandwich. Basically that bitch FORCED me to get off the phone after 5 minutes because I was doing something that wasn't about her.

(I ate the last of the Fritos on Tuesday; there's Cheez-Its, there's cottage cheese, there's basically all kinds of stuff she could have had, but NO, I'm the bitch because I ate all the Fritos and didn't tell her. And never mind the fact that I don't eat meat OR tomatoes, and I've been subsisting on macaroni and cheese and beans out of a can for weeks.)

Then, later in the evening, she was getting ready for bed and I told her I was going out in the carport for a minute. I unlatched the gate to the carport, and she bursts out of the house asking if everything's okay because the dogs were upset. Like, DUH, that's why I told you I was going in the carport for a minute. It's like being 5 years old... honestly. I can't go in the goddamn carport to get my goddamn CD's, which shouldn't be in the carport ANYWAYS, without her acting like it's a crisis.

I really can't deal with this shit at all.
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Dangerously Amused Donating Member (1000+ posts) Send PM | Profile | Ignore Sat Jun-21-08 07:28 AM
Response to Original message
1. She is the one acting like a five year old in these examples.
Edited on Sat Jun-21-08 08:05 AM by Dangerously Amused

It sucks when we have to be the parent to our parents. Sorry you have to deal with this.

Edit: Clarity

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Darth_Kitten Donating Member (1000+ posts) Send PM | Profile | Ignore Sat Jun-21-08 07:30 AM
Response to Reply #1
2. Sorry, but it works both ways.
n/t
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GCP Donating Member (1000+ posts) Send PM | Profile | Ignore Sat Jun-21-08 07:37 AM
Response to Reply #2
3. I agree
Edited on Sat Jun-21-08 07:40 AM by Godlesscommieprevert
The mother is having to deal with someone coming back home to live and all that that entails, such as the Fritos being snarfed and not replaced. She'd probably thought the house was hers (at last), and now she has to share it again - with someone who eats all the Fritos!
It really does work both ways. At least she agreed to Xemasab coming to live back home, she could have said 'no'.
Cut her some slack.

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Dangerously Amused Donating Member (1000+ posts) Send PM | Profile | Ignore Sat Jun-21-08 07:48 AM
Response to Reply #2
4. I understand that.
Edited on Sat Jun-21-08 07:51 AM by Dangerously Amused
But IMO, the mother is overreacting to some very minor things; we don't expect adults to have the grownup version of a temper tantrum over something like the last of the Fritos being gone. It suggests to me that her mother has other "issues" for which the Fritos were but a vehicle. And those kinds of issues can be extremely difficult to deal with in a positive, productive manner given the parent-child dynamic. That was my point, perhaps I didn't make it very well.

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femmocrat Donating Member (1000+ posts) Send PM | Profile | Ignore Sat Jun-21-08 07:57 AM
Response to Original message
5. What they said!
It's a period of adjustment for both of you. Give it some time and try to work it out like adults.

Good luck!
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PassingFair Donating Member (1000+ posts) Send PM | Profile | Ignore Sat Jun-21-08 08:06 AM
Response to Original message
6. Why are you living with your mother? Are you there to help her?
Why does she have to smoke in the front if you're in the back?

Just curious.
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NJmaverick Donating Member (1000+ posts) Send PM | Profile | Ignore Sat Jun-21-08 08:16 AM
Response to Original message
7. As a third party who isn't fully aware fo the situation, it sounds like you guys are
fighting over dominance. You refuse to go to your room to make phone calls, and she refuses to make the alternative easy. She makes a huge deal about the Fritos, you refuse to acknowledge you should have told her you had finished them. It seems to me if you want to live with your mother, you need to accept it's her house and her rules. If you don't you will be miserable and unhappy as you continue to fight.
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Callalily Donating Member (1000+ posts) Send PM | Profile | Ignore Sat Jun-21-08 09:10 AM
Response to Reply #7
9. Well said!
I think you are both being childish. "No I won't . . . yes I will" attitudes all over the place. Arguing about where to have a phone conversation? Arguing about talking in the front or back yard? Sheesh . . . life is far too short to be taking these issues so seriously.

I hope the two of you come type of type of compromise, or you'll be facing a lot unpleasantness ahead.

Good luck during your adjustment period.
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Phillycat Donating Member (1000+ posts) Send PM | Profile | Ignore Sat Jun-21-08 10:05 AM
Response to Reply #7
11. I agree.
And since the house is your mother's, it's YOU who needs to capitulate. You're the one who moved back home - it's time for you to suck it up and show her some respect.
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emilyg Donating Member (1000+ posts) Send PM | Profile | Ignore Sat Jun-21-08 11:49 PM
Response to Reply #7
50. Agree.
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Debi Donating Member (1000+ posts) Send PM | Profile | Ignore Sat Jun-21-08 08:58 AM
Response to Original message
8. Did you two have the 'expectations and responsibilities' conversation before you moved back in?
Sounds like you're both on edge and each react differently to being stressed.

Good luck to you :hug: hope tempers smooth out after a while.
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BensMom Donating Member (670 posts) Send PM | Profile | Ignore Sat Jun-21-08 09:44 AM
Response to Original message
10. I have 2 kids living back home - So
Edited on Sat Jun-21-08 10:35 AM by BensMom
It may be more than the fritos. That could have been just the another straw on the camel's back.
Here it could be the extra laundry that is in the washer when I need to get my clothes washed, the non-stop stupid tv shows, the shoes I tripped over, the extra trash to be taken out...

Sometimes I like to go out in the backyard and be where the only the sounds are the birds and nothing else within 25 feet.

Every couple days I am pleased to see them contribute (without being asked) to the home. Yesterday it was a pan of brownies, the yard was mowed this week, the dog got a bath... I found these a big surprise and they gave me some relief.

The kids are living here free - to save college money. I am thankful that we can live under the same roof. It is all give and take.

Hope you can compromise. It may be better than the alternative.

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Blue Diadem Donating Member (1000+ posts) Send PM | Profile | Ignore Sat Jun-21-08 10:24 AM
Response to Reply #10
15. Same here..a daughter and granddaughter live with us.
I love them both dearly and am glad we have the space for them to live here..but sometimes we get on each others nerves.

OP & her Mom really should have a discussion so that expectations and boundaries are clear.
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Genevieve Donating Member (1000+ posts) Send PM | Profile | Ignore Sat Jun-21-08 10:12 AM
Response to Original message
12.  Why are you living with your mother?


You said:

" My mom then said well why didn't I go in the front yard so she could go in the back yard to smoke while I was on the phone. I again reiterated that I was GOING to go in the back yard to talk on the phone and if she wanted to smoke SHE could go in the front yard."

It is HER house.
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My Good Babushka Donating Member (966 posts) Send PM | Profile | Ignore Sat Jun-21-08 10:17 AM
Response to Original message
13. get your own place.
you aren't a minor, are you?
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alphafemale Donating Member (1000+ posts) Send PM | Profile | Ignore Sat Jun-21-08 10:17 AM
Response to Original message
14. So you use her home. Her phone. Her Fritos. And she's a bitch?
Grow some gratitude...ehh?
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woo me with science Donating Member (1000+ posts) Send PM | Profile | Ignore Sat Jun-21-08 11:14 AM
Response to Original message
16. You call your own mother a BITCH based on that?
Stunning.


I echo the others here asking why you don't have your own place, if this is how you are perceiving the world.
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Carnea Donating Member (1000+ posts) Send PM | Profile | Ignore Sat Jun-21-08 11:25 AM
Response to Original message
17. First of all why would you move in with your mother. Are you homeless with minor children?
Because if you are not I recommend never moving back with the folks. What you mother is reacting to is not the Fritos but her failure as a parent to raise you to be an independent adult. And gathering from your circumstance s and level of maturity she has been a failure in that regard.
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Midlodemocrat Donating Member (1000+ posts) Send PM | Profile | Ignore Sat Jun-21-08 12:50 PM
Response to Reply #17
18. .
:eyes:

To the all seeing, all knowing Carnea. :eyes:
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Carnea Donating Member (1000+ posts) Send PM | Profile | Ignore Sat Jun-21-08 12:56 PM
Response to Reply #18
19. Honestly I remember couch surfing for a time in my early twenties....
Moving back in with my parents was an option somewhere below a tent in the woods. But I was on my own, no kids, so that made the difference. ,

I don't think it is out of line to expect adult children with no dependents of their own to exhaust every resource before shacking back up with mom and dad, but I apparently grew up in a different time when living with your parents after college was a sign of failure.
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Midlodemocrat Donating Member (1000+ posts) Send PM | Profile | Ignore Sat Jun-21-08 12:58 PM
Response to Reply #19
20. Your comments to XemaSab are insulting and you should apologize.
You have NO idea why she moved back home and to equate her moving back with her mom to her being a failure is beyond the pale.

You should apologize.
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Carnea Donating Member (1000+ posts) Send PM | Profile | Ignore Sat Jun-21-08 01:06 PM
Response to Reply #20
21. Your right I don't and the poster didn't actually volunteer that.
Since you are defending her maybe you can take it up with the half dozen or so other people who agree with me above as well.

Did you read her post? She sounds like a spoiled twelve year old?

"Last night I went to go call my friend Clay and my mom told me that if I wanted to make a phone call I should go in my room. I said "No, I'm going in the back yard." My mom then said well why didn't I go in the front yard so she could go in the back yard to smoke while I was on the phone. I again reiterated that I was GOING to go in the back yard to talk on the phone and if she wanted to smoke SHE could go in the front yard."

I used to have arguments just like that with my parents.... BUT I WASN'T AN ADULT. I was a snotty little spoiled brat.

Honestly that is the tone I get from her post. If I'm wrong it's due to a lack of information on the posters part. She is the one asking for reassurance her behavior isn't abominable and I for one am appalled by the clueless she apparently has about how adults actually act.

Honestly if you wanted to post a fake whiny spoiled teenager rant you wouldn't have to change one word.
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Dangerously Amused Donating Member (1000+ posts) Send PM | Profile | Ignore Sat Jun-21-08 01:09 PM
Response to Reply #21
23. Nice. Just keep digging.

:eyes:


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Name removed Donating Member (0 posts) Send PM | Profile | Ignore Sat Jun-21-08 01:30 PM
Response to Reply #21
30. Deleted message
Message removed by moderator. Click here to review the message board rules.
 
Pushed To The Left Donating Member (1000+ posts) Send PM | Profile | Ignore Sat Jun-21-08 01:40 PM
Response to Reply #19
33. Wages are too low and the cost of living is too high
People like XemaSab and myself would have had no trouble being on our own a few decades ago. I am a college graduate and a hard worker and I still can not afford a place of my own, especially in Southern California. Too many Americans, even those who call themselves liberal, are very judgmental and prejudiced towards people in this situation.
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Carnea Donating Member (1000+ posts) Send PM | Profile | Ignore Sat Jun-21-08 02:04 PM
Response to Reply #33
40. I feel that pain... moved 1500 miles form the folks in part for a lower cost of living.
XemaSab sounds like a great person from the defense she is getting on the board. And I certainly would never judge a person by one OP (am I ever going to live down that cougar post?)

Sometimes we simply react to what is said not what is unsaid. That's why we have a conversation. My parents would be impossible to live with. (Even now five days at Christmas is stretching it.) So I do not exaggerate when I say homelessness was for me for a time preferable to living with them.

She also sounds like someone who can laugh at herself.. (Unlike some of her defenders here yikes)

So hugs from me... So here is hoping you'll find a great job and move out and be much happier.

:hug: :hug: :hug: :hug:
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Pushed To The Left Donating Member (1000+ posts) Send PM | Profile | Ignore Sat Jun-21-08 07:55 PM
Response to Reply #40
47. Thanks, Carnea
:hug: I just had a very good review, so I might get a raise soon. I'm still looking for a more career-oriented job, though. I got a degree in IT in 2006, and it turns out that IT isn't all that easy to get into anymore, especially with all of the outsourcing going on. There used to be a time where somebody like me who worked 40 hours a week in an office job could actually buy a house and raise a family. Maybe those days can return again if we can take the right wing out of power once and for all.

XemaSab is great, and I think you would like her. I met her last year and she is very intelligent and fun to talk to.
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LanternWaste Donating Member (1000+ posts) Send PM | Profile | Ignore Mon Jun-23-08 12:24 PM
Response to Reply #17
71. One of the best things about the time I spent living in...
One of the best things about the time I spent living in Mexico was the tightly-nit, close family structure. It was never uncommon to see three or even four generations out together, eating together, living together, living, laughing and living together...

But for some odd reason (the complete, absolute, and thoughtless embrace of consumerism I would guess), that type of family togetherness is (at best) laughed at in America, or (at worst) the middle generations are perceived as failures with the elder generation as parasites.

For my part-- it's a sad, sad day when, for whatever reasons, a person moves in with family and gets the knee-jerk label of "failure" by someone who has absolutely no hard knowledge of the circumstances.

I suppose that it's just as fair, just as valid, and just as nice to say, "..raise you to be a caring, family oriented person. And gathering from your circumstances and level of maturity you has been a failure in that regard."
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Bake Donating Member (1000+ posts) Send PM | Profile | Ignore Mon Jun-23-08 12:58 PM
Response to Reply #17
74. I'm not at all sure you can blame that one on Mom ....
Sometimes children are just a disappointment, no matter what you do ...

Bake
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Dangerously Amused Donating Member (1000+ posts) Send PM | Profile | Ignore Sat Jun-21-08 01:07 PM
Response to Original message
22. Hello? WTF? Is this DU?

OMG, can we please stop being so judgmental and assigning blame here? We don't know all the facts, but we don't need to. One of our own is in a lot of pain, that's all we should need to know. How about a little compassion for the casualties, even if you don't agree with the war?

Jesus. If all she wrote was "I'm hurting right now, can't say why, and I need vibes," we'd be all over it with support. But now instead some of us seem determined to add insult to injury. Okay, well, I think we've done about all the damage we can in that area. Can we please at least stop piling on now?

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AlCzervik Donating Member (1000+ posts) Send PM | Profile | Ignore Sat Jun-21-08 01:18 PM
Response to Reply #22
24.  thank you.
it would be nice if compassion was doled out around here equally.
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Whoa_Nelly Donating Member (1000+ posts) Send PM | Profile | Ignore Sat Jun-21-08 01:20 PM
Response to Reply #22
25. It must be attack day, being Summer Solstice and all...
Have been in this same chair as Xema: Posting something by sharing the details of the hurt, and have been piled on by people who seem just oh so ready to make snap judgments about me, my motives and the situation.

I personally know that what Xema is going through is something that has been ongoing since she was a little girl.

Hang in there, Xema :hug:
Am sending you positive vibes that you are able to get on with a more permanent job position, and can get back to living on your own :hug:





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Gormy Cuss Donating Member (1000+ posts) Send PM | Profile | Ignore Sat Jun-21-08 01:20 PM
Response to Reply #22
26. If the OP was "I can't stand living with my mother again at my age," there'd be support.
I'm guessing that is what the OP means, but the post instead comes off as unreasonable because of the characterization of the mother as a bitch over some pretty minor friction.
I hope that Xema Sab finds a self-supporting job soon for her own piece of mind.
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Whoa_Nelly Donating Member (1000+ posts) Send PM | Profile | Ignore Sat Jun-21-08 01:27 PM
Response to Reply #26
28. Can we get a standards list going on how to post?
Am not knocking you, Gormy. It's just that when we post here, sometimes we try to be clever or slick so our threads will get the responses we look for, and then other times we just post because we need our friends here.


Sometimes it's a good thing to actually know the DU'er somewhat personally.
But, for the most part, we only know each other through our threads and posts here.

I like to give everyone the benefit of the doubt, and give threads/posts a second read: What's typed by an OP can have much more to it than just the words presented.



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Gormy Cuss Donating Member (1000+ posts) Send PM | Profile | Ignore Sat Jun-21-08 01:47 PM
Response to Reply #28
34. The problem is the post is itself the context for many.
Edited on Sat Jun-21-08 01:54 PM by Gormy Cuss
We don't have visual or aural cues to understand the underlying issues and most of us don't know the back stories of each poster. There's also an unfortunate tendency to write about personal issues in the shorthand that we'd use with those who know us well. If my friend called me up and said simply "my mother's such a bitch!" I'd know what she meant. If a stranger told me that her mother was a bitch over the backyard/front yard thing, I'd think the stranger was probably the one with the problem, not her mother. I wouldn't say anything however because I wouldn't know enough to be sure.

I like XemaSab's posts and think that I would like her IRL, but the OP does come across poorly -- had there been a small preface admitting that the REAL issue isn't Fritos but frustration with feeling stuck back under her mother's control, I doubt that most others would have tried to take her to task for her characterization. Fortunately, there are many others here who DO have a longer context with XS and they have jumped in to defend her.

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AlCzervik Donating Member (1000+ posts) Send PM | Profile | Ignore Sat Jun-21-08 01:49 PM
Response to Reply #34
35. you would like her, i met xema at a meet up a few years ago and she's a great person.
i think we all tend to engage in hyperbole from time to time and i think Xema's just comes from total frustration and stress.
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Midlodemocrat Donating Member (1000+ posts) Send PM | Profile | Ignore Sat Jun-21-08 01:50 PM
Response to Reply #35
36. I know I would like her if I met her in person.
I like her posts. She seems like a really great person.

And, I agree with you. I think her post is pure frustration and stress.
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AlCzervik Donating Member (1000+ posts) Send PM | Profile | Ignore Sat Jun-21-08 01:51 PM
Response to Reply #36
37. you totally would.
:toast:
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Texasgal Donating Member (1000+ posts) Send PM | Profile | Ignore Sat Jun-21-08 01:22 PM
Response to Reply #22
27. Unfortunatly...
This *IS* DU... or rather what it has become. :(
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skooooo Donating Member (1000+ posts) Send PM | Profile | Ignore Sun Jun-22-08 12:02 AM
Response to Reply #27
52. What do you really expect from the Lounge...

...Shakespeare or something?
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Oeditpus Rex Donating Member (1000+ posts) Send PM | Profile | Ignore Sat Jun-21-08 01:58 PM
Response to Reply #22
38. It is rather in stark contrast
to the typical Parade of Enablers.



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stuntcat Donating Member (1000+ posts) Send PM | Profile | Ignore Sat Jun-21-08 03:24 PM
Response to Reply #22
41. for real
Edited on Sat Jun-21-08 03:24 PM by stuntcat
my goodness, people act miserable around here sometimes. XS was just getting some anger off her chest, and from what I know of her she won't take these comments too personally.. but I'm not strong enough, this kinda stuff is exactly why I don't think I can ever be real open around here.
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woo me with science Donating Member (1000+ posts) Send PM | Profile | Ignore Sat Jun-21-08 08:55 PM
Response to Reply #22
48. There were plenty of details here, provided by the OP.
Edited on Sat Jun-21-08 09:08 PM by antfarm
Sometimes, believe it or not, the most helpful response is the truth. Supporting someone in bad behavior just because she is one of your crowd is what adolescents do, not adults.

If the OP is, in fact, being as childish as her OWN description suggests, perhaps some honest feedback will nudge her to think about her attitude and start trying to show some gratitude to the parent who is SUPPORTING her, rather than acting like a spoiled adolescent.

Here's an idea: Try looking at this from the mother's perspective. The one who took in her daughter and is supporting her, and is now being called a BITCH on a public internet board because of a disagreement over the phone.

I know it's hard, since you don't know her...but she is a human being, too. Imagine that.
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noamnety Donating Member (1000+ posts) Send PM | Profile | Ignore Sun Jun-22-08 07:02 AM
Response to Reply #22
54. WTF is this DU?
That's what I think when I log in and see subject lines referring to women as "bitches."

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redqueen Donating Member (1000+ posts) Send PM | Profile | Ignore Mon Jun-23-08 12:33 PM
Response to Reply #22
73. Thanks...
yeesh... what a thread. I don't think I want to read any further. Bleah.
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Elidor Donating Member (1000+ posts) Send PM | Profile | Ignore Sat Jun-21-08 01:28 PM
Response to Original message
29. I've been there. It's not fun.
I hope it gets better for you.

:hug:
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elehhhhna Donating Member (1000+ posts) Send PM | Profile | Ignore Sat Jun-21-08 01:34 PM
Response to Original message
31. honey, give ma some space. if she's a bitch now, let's face it,
she probably was a bitch before and will be in the future. find some coping mechanism, aquiesce at least HALF the time, graciously -- hard to do but good for your character, eh? Best of luck. Things will settle down for you.
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Runcible Spoon Donating Member (1000+ posts) Send PM | Profile | Ignore Sat Jun-21-08 01:34 PM
Response to Original message
32. HEY! At least you can GET Fritos where you live!
:evilfrown: Frito-less in Buenos Aires...thanks for reminding me of another thing I'm jonesing for...
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BreweryYardRat Donating Member (1000+ posts) Send PM | Profile | Ignore Sat Jun-21-08 02:01 PM
Response to Original message
39. My sincere sympathies.
I'm home for the summer, because I was unable to find a roommate, and refused to spend any more money on a damned dorm room. My mother's patronizing/condescending, arrogant, narcissistic, bigoted, has no notion of privacy or personal space, and is both stupid AND senile. She's a poisonous pain in the ass, and I've facepalmed at some of her shit so hard I saw stars.

In short, I feel your pain. And people shouldn't be giving you shit for having to deal with her charming-ass self -- we can't always do what we want in life, especially if money's an issue, and we don't all get to have perfect parents. (My father borders on sainthood, but mummy dearest more than counterbalances that.)
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khashka Donating Member (1000+ posts) Send PM | Profile | Ignore Sat Jun-21-08 03:40 PM
Response to Original message
42. My mom's like that too
She treats me like a child. Yells about my long pony tail and beard. Throws a fit if I drink, but she drinks like a fish. I can't swear in front of her but she says fuck and damn then insists she doesn't. Says I wouldn't have MS if I were a Xtian. After my sister died of cancer she told me it was because my sister was a slut (my sister was married twice, first time to gay guy and they never had sex). Says she won't lie so tries to get me to lie for her. She's crazy
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Heddi Donating Member (1000+ posts) Send PM | Profile | Ignore Sat Jun-21-08 05:28 PM
Response to Original message
43. I think you and your mother are having issues with control
As an adult, I had to live with my mother who also lived with my grandmother for a very short period of time.

Talk about too many cooks in the kitchen!

There was SEVERE conflict of authority between all of us:

1) it was my grandmother's house, so she felt that all rules were her rules, and they ruled supreme
2) My mother felt that my grandmother woudln't have her house if it weren't for my mom's financial contribution, so she didn't necessarily have to follow any rules. Also, she was a 50 year old woman and she was far too old for rules
3) I felt like NEITHER of them would be living in the house if it weren't for my contributions. I was 21 and didn't need a rule like "no phone calls IN OR OUT after 9pm" just so someone could feel like they were being superior.

EVERYTHING was a fight. Who washed dishes vs. who didn't. Who ordered food without asking the rest of us if they wanted any? Why should i Pay for take out when it wasn't my idea to get it? Who's going to vaccuum even though the mess was caused by your pets etc etc etc.

---
The only way we were ever able to get along as a family was to

MOVE OUT

live away from each other.

THat may or may not work in your situation.

HOWEVER, having lived in that situation for a while, I have to agree with what some other posters said:

1) It *is* your mother's house, and no matter how old you are, or how much you contribute to the household, it is *her* house. She has a routine, no matter how much you like it or not. If she wants you to go on the front porch to talk so she can go on the back porch to smoke, who are you to say "no!"? Maybe she's doing it because she's pushing your buttons, maybe she prefers the back yard over the front. Maybe since it's not really that big of a deal, you can be the bigger person and go to the front yard and avoid the inevitable confrontation that will occur if you go to the back

2) You should have told her you ate the Fretos. Is is the end of the world? No. Did she buy them? If so, then you should have told her. If you bought them, then you didn't have an obligation to tell her, but if you knew it would set her off, then yes, you should have told her then, too.

---

Looking back on my time as an adult living with family members, I can see that much of the conflict from my grandmother came from the fact that she truly felt (and I feel it was deserved in some respects) that here are me and my mom, barging in, fucking up her routine and her quiet time and her retirement years and at the same time ACTING LIKE SHE OWES IT TO US. I don't actually recall my mother or I ever telling granny "You know, we appreciate you letting us live with you, I know it must really be a shift from what you're used to".

Not knowing you or your mother, that may be some of what your mother is feeling. I think those feelings would be intensified if you weren't contributing financially to the household or not doing things like vaccuuming, or dishes, or whatever. I'M NOT SAYING THIS IS THE CASE, JUST POSTULATING POSSIBILITIES.

I think it would be wise to step outside yourself and honestly look at what you do while in her house. Is there anything that you could conceded to do, even if you feel you dont' have to? Talking in the front yard instead of the back?, etc?

Then I would sit down and talk to your mom. Tell her you're feeling like she's stressed out--ask her SPECIFICALLY what you could do to make it easier on the both of you. Have an open diaglogue. Tell her that it's annoying when you're on the phone and she has to interrupt you. Tell her that you're sorry to have not told her about the freetos. Ask her what YOU personally can do to make the living easier for both of you. THen it's out there and she (techincally) can't complain if you do what she'd like and STILL gets an attitude.
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seriousstan Donating Member (1000+ posts) Send PM | Profile | Ignore Sat Jun-21-08 06:34 PM
Response to Original message
44. Move out, that will show the bitch.
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suninvited Donating Member (1000+ posts) Send PM | Profile | Ignore Sat Jun-21-08 06:56 PM
Response to Original message
45. I moved in with my father
and step mother after losing my job and my home in Hurricane Ivan.

It was rough for me, and one could only imagine rough for them.

I do pay rent each month, but it is minimal ($250 a month).

If I were on the phone line (which THEY pay for) and they asked me to get off, I would say, Okay. If they wanted me to move from an area so they could smoke, I would definitely say okay.

I would NEVER eat the last of a certain food item i.e. bread, cereal, fritos, milk, eggs, cheese, and if I did, I would replace them so fast that no one would ever notice. I buy my own groceries and cook for everybody regularly, but I just like cooking.

My daughter, who can be a little short sighted, and very selfish moved in with me once (before Ivan). She acted the way you do. Would get all huffy if I tried to explain boundaries, and very, very childish and immature and act like I was invading her space in some way when I tried to say "hey, this is my space, you can have the rest"



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badgerpup Donating Member (1000+ posts) Send PM | Profile | Ignore Sat Jun-21-08 07:39 PM
Response to Original message
46. I don't know anyone, so I don't have a dog in this particular fight...
:hi:
...but it seems that it's not just the fritos, or the phone call, or the going out to get the CDs.
It's not who's right, and who's wrong.

There's a history between parents and children...expectations, communication, patterns..."button pushing", if you will.
Stuff that looks completely innocuous and unimportant to an outsider can be adding to an incipient avalanche...or the last straw.
Forgive me for mixing metaphors.

Sometimes people just don't get along. Doesn't mean one of them is bad, or wrong, or evil...they just rub each other the wrong way.

This is why I live in a different state than the rest of my family. We get along much better at a distance and with minimal contact.
They aren't 'bad', don't think I am either...but we just don't get each other.
(Liberal pagan hippie VS BA Baptist republicans...and since they have $$$, and I don't, they are "right". Right?)

Living with people who you're supposed to love and are indebted to...but they rub you the wrong way is very frustrating, especially if packing up and leaving is not an option.

"Suck it up" is NOT helpful in dealing with this sort of thing.

And...FWIW...I'm hearing "I'd like some privacy and a little personal space, please!"
:shrug:

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TroglodyteScholar Donating Member (1000+ posts) Send PM | Profile | Ignore Sat Jun-21-08 11:26 PM
Response to Original message
49. Someday that bitch will die, and you'll have to get your own place with your own fritos n/t
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skooooo Donating Member (1000+ posts) Send PM | Profile | Ignore Sun Jun-22-08 12:00 AM
Response to Reply #49
51. omg...

:rofl:

I know this is a real situation that shouldn't be laughed at, but this post cracked me up.
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Phillycat Donating Member (1000+ posts) Send PM | Profile | Ignore Mon Jun-23-08 01:29 PM
Response to Reply #49
77. Post of the week.
:rofl:
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Baclava Donating Member (1000+ posts) Send PM | Profile | Ignore Mon Jun-23-08 03:49 PM
Response to Reply #49
80. Hi mom! (waves)
Now that's fucking funny
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Lethe Donating Member (1000+ posts) Send PM | Profile | Ignore Sun Jun-22-08 12:07 AM
Response to Original message
53. if you do eat the last of something, please discard the protective packaging
I had a roommate once they would never throw the actual item in the trash when he ate the last of them.

For example:

After eating every last Frito, and the Frito dust, I proceed to walk into the kitchen and place the empty Frito bag back in the pantry.
After eating the last granola bar, I procced to walk into the kitchen and place the empty granola bar box back in the pantry.
After eating all the Cap'n Crunch, I proceed to walk into the kitchen and place the empty Cap'n Crunch box back in the pantry.

I walk into the kitchen and open the pantry door. Shit I am really high, damn and we got Cap'n Crunch yo! For real. MOTHERFUCKING EMPTY, FUCK!
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ElsewheresDaughter Donating Member (1000+ posts) Send PM | Profile | Ignore Sun Jun-22-08 07:52 AM
Response to Original message
55. do you know what skunks do to ween their young...they spray them every time they come near her
maybe your mom was enjoying her empty nest and it seems that you were too. in today's economy many of our children have no choice but to move back home. use humor as often as possible....it helps...laugh often. Things will eventually calm down between you two once you both let go of your frustration's about having to share the same nest again?

I wish you both love, peace, understanding and harmony
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Blarch Donating Member (1000+ posts) Send PM | Profile | Ignore Sun Jun-22-08 08:25 AM
Response to Original message
56. Thats nothing.
when I was young my mom dragged me to church to try and brainwash me.

It didn't take.

Has your mom tried brainwashing ? ...well then. :nopity:
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Crazy Dave Donating Member (1000+ posts) Send PM | Profile | Ignore Sun Jun-22-08 08:44 AM
Response to Original message
57. It's the opposite for me
Edited on Sun Jun-22-08 08:45 AM by DaveTheWave
My wife and I built my mom a small house on my property after she was twice widowed and it has been way more than we bargained for. She's retired, she's bored and she's very nosy. Whenever she does things against our wishes and sometimes orders, like letting un-known and un-licensed people that she met in church or at a thrift store do repair work or maintenance not just on her house, but ours too while we're at work. She once waited until my wife left for work and snuck some so-called tree surgeons (who she met two days before) into our yard and not only did they do a terrible job on our trees, they destroyed our property and wiring on our houses, twice. We told her prior to that, that we have our own tree man who's skilled, licensed and insured and for her not to let these people in our yard just because "they spoke Spanish to her". That was her qualifications for them as she's Spanish and told her they'd do all the work for $300 vs. the typical $800 my guy charges.

All that said it cost us (my wife and I) $700 to repair the damages done and the $300 mom paid the guys who disappeared immediately after getting paid.
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LBJDemocrat Donating Member (1000+ posts) Send PM | Profile | Ignore Sun Jun-22-08 09:48 AM
Response to Original message
58. You shouldn't call your mother a bitch.
It's simply not done.
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ikojo Donating Member (1000+ posts) Send PM | Profile | Ignore Sun Jun-22-08 09:53 AM
Response to Original message
59. Are you still in college and home for the summer?
or are you and adult child moving back home?

Either way, her house...she pays the mortgage and the other bills...her rules.

I suggest that if you want a different kind of relationship you come up with a lease, sign it and treat your situation as a business relationship. Get a small fridge for your room. Get a cell phone if you don't already have one. If possible use a separate entrance to the house, one your mom doesn't use.
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LaurenG Donating Member (1000+ posts) Send PM | Profile | Ignore Sun Jun-22-08 10:40 AM
Response to Original message
60. Hey Xema - hang in there. Living with other adults is always hard
especially a parent. :hug:
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Haole Girl Donating Member (1000+ posts) Send PM | Profile | Ignore Sun Jun-22-08 10:49 AM
Response to Original message
61. I have bookmarked this thread to remind me what du is like
And, XemaSab: Please... for your own sanity... just find a roommate and move out at the first opportunity. Good luck. :hug:
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AngryOldDem Donating Member (1000+ posts) Send PM | Profile | Ignore Sun Jun-22-08 11:17 AM
Response to Original message
62. Do yourself a favor and move out at the first opportunity. Please.
And I speak as someone who moved out of the family nest at 27, kept at home all that time from a perceived responsibility toward a parent. It's a difficult situation, an adult child (and that is what you are to her) living with a parent. BTDT, and then some. So, while I may not be part of the inner circle who knows all the bloody details of your situation (written as a disclaimer to anyone who will call me a heartless bitch), I think I can speak from some experience of what you are going through.

Until you're back out on your own, sit down with her and have a meeting of the minds as to what the basic ground rules are as it concerns both you and her. She needs to give you some leeway as an adult; you need to recognize and respect her home. The road runs both ways.

One other thing: The term you use to describe your mother. I'm frankly shocked that others would support you in that sentiment, given the overall sensitivity to its use in any other context here. As bad as your situation is, keep in mind that you *do* have a roof over your head. I have seen many people in your place suddenly made homeless because their families would not do squat for them. So as pithy as it sounds -- it could be worse. Really, if it's so untenable, get out.

If circumstances beyond your control are keeping you there, all the more reason to come to some kind of detente with Mom -- for your sanity as well as hers. For the short term, at any rate, it's looking like you **will** have to find some way to deal with this shit. So do so.

Good luck.
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City67 Donating Member (73 posts) Send PM | Profile | Ignore Sun Jun-22-08 12:02 PM
Response to Original message
63. Is this a joke?
I have seldom seen such ingratitude so publicly on display. I would imagine that the mothers view of this is more than a bit different than we are hearing.
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applegrove Donating Member (1000+ posts) Send PM | Profile | Ignore Sun Jun-22-08 12:03 PM
Response to Original message
64. If you are living in her house try and live by her rules. And ask before you eat
anything. It isn't easy but it will help things go smoothly until you have your own place again. No use fighting over little things. It will just aggravate you. IMHO
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TrogL Donating Member (1000+ posts) Send PM | Profile | Ignore Sun Jun-22-08 04:51 PM
Response to Original message
65. It would not even occur to me to move back in with my mother
I'd go homeless first.

In fact I was briefly homeless (I was couch surfing), she offered and I turned her down become no way, no hell was it going to work. We'd squabble over the placement of a glass on the table.
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astral Donating Member (1000+ posts) Send PM | Profile | Ignore Mon Jun-23-08 04:00 AM
Response to Original message
66. If my brother knew what my mom was thinking when he moved
back in . . .

If my niece knew what my mom thought when she moved in . . .

If I knew what my mom thought when I moved back in, only for a couple months . . . .

My brother didn't ask. She thought he was joking when he said he was moving back in. He'd already been hauling his stuff in the door when she found out.

My niece couldn't bring a dirty bathtowel back down the stairs for the entire time she stayed there.

My mom told me she really didn't want ANYBODY living with her at all, it's too much work. Yep, grown-up people are work for my elderly mother who has to do everything for herself and pick up after others too and count on buying for extra people when she goes to the grocery store because she knows they won't be out there grocery shopping.

And I thought,, wow, my mama doesn't WANT my niece and her BF living there for the summer? Or however long? She doesn't WANT me living there (well,that much she didn't say but I was guessing it!) And, of course, I always knew she didn't want my brother living there who never did a load of laundry, washed a dish, or brought a single bag of groceries home even though he could eat like a horse.

But my mom would suck up and take it and just politely "wish" all these people would go away. I'll never forget the day I was moving my stuff down the stairs to move into my newly found apartment after a couple months, and my niece and her BF were hauling their stuff up the stairs at the same time, while I hadn't even moved out yet, and I didn't even know they were coming!

And my mom was sitting there on the couch, watching the loads going out and in the door, and I looked at her and said, you feel like you're running a hotel here? She saw the humor in it, but you know, she really could have done without all of it. It's not like she needs anybody's financial assistance there owning her place and being retired and with a small appetite, she didn't need roomys of any kind.

Fierce independence runs in the blood, but not all the blood : )
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REP Donating Member (1000+ posts) Send PM | Profile | Ignore Mon Jun-23-08 05:20 AM
Response to Original message
67. "Your mother knows how to push your buttons since she installed them"
Someone pointed this out to me, and it made things even clearer. I still live as far from my mother as I can.

I know the anecdote presented isn't the whole problem. I have no idea what the whole problem is, but as the offspring of a seriously insane person you have my sympathy.
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La Lioness Priyanka Donating Member (1000+ posts) Send PM | Profile | Ignore Mon Jun-23-08 07:20 AM
Response to Original message
68. she just wants you to move out but because mothers are not supposed to want these things
she cant really say it and she wakes a hostile living environment for you.

been there. had that done.

sorry you are in this position
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SammyWinstonJack Donating Member (1000+ posts) Send PM | Profile | Ignore Mon Jun-23-08 08:17 AM
Response to Reply #68
69. So true. nt.
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La Lioness Priyanka Donating Member (1000+ posts) Send PM | Profile | Ignore Mon Jun-23-08 08:19 AM
Response to Reply #69
70. thanks.
:hi:
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snooper2 Donating Member (1000+ posts) Send PM | Profile | Ignore Mon Jun-23-08 12:30 PM
Response to Original message
72. XemaSab posted this on Saturday..
And people are still posting on the thread on Monday....meanwhile; XemaSab didn't respond to a single post :rofl: :rofl: :rofl: :rofl:

Internets are funny...

For all you know, XemaSab buried his/her mom in the back yard yesterday and is ensuring the house gets put in his/her name today. Smoke where you want, I killed the bitch :rofl: :rofl: :rofl:



GOBAMA!
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pdx_prog Donating Member (1000+ posts) Send PM | Profile | Ignore Mon Jun-23-08 01:24 PM
Response to Original message
75. This is a joke right?
:nopity:
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Tulum_Moon Donating Member (556 posts) Send PM | Profile | Ignore Mon Jun-23-08 02:10 PM
Response to Reply #75
78. I hope it's a joke!
Get up off your butt and go get your own food!
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BelleCarolinaPeridot Donating Member (1000+ posts) Send PM | Profile | Ignore Mon Jun-23-08 01:27 PM
Response to Original message
76. She did'nt have to let you move back in with her.
Always remember that.
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joe_sixpack Donating Member (655 posts) Send PM | Profile | Ignore Mon Jun-23-08 03:30 PM
Response to Original message
79. What flavor of Fritos are we talkin?
That's some pertinent missing information.
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