My 19 year old has personal paralysis...

[annabanana]

He sank into a slump during the second semester at college.. couldn't keep up his grades (despite being Honor Society in HS).. So we let him take a leave of absence that will hold his spot until the Spring semester of 2010.

He said he was interested in the Peace Corp... But he found out you have to finish school before they'd take him. Then I found out about AmeriCorp NCCC.. (which sounded great to me, and I thought to him).. He got in an application and started having second thoughts...

Now he claims that Vista was "all my idea" and that he didn't really want to do that.

So, until he starts his summer job (clerical) he's knee deep in his video games.

Now all this would be less troublesome if he ever left the house, or had any kids he socialized with (offline).

He's a very smart, intuitive kid. Kind hearted. Clever & quick witted..But I have images of him in his 40's.. still in his room while me & his dad feed & clothe him...

Is this kind of inertia normal, or at least not uncommon in a kid this age?

[KitchenWitch]

1. Please have him see a doctor

I am not a doctor and am not qualified to make any kind of a diagnosis, but you will want to rule out depression.

[MonkeyFunk]

2. Sounds a lot like depression

He should see a doctor.

[City of Mills]

3. He sounds depressed

He may either feel like he's letting you down, or himself. Either way he's having a hard time adjusting to the curve ball thrown his way and he may be anxious about his future.

[City of Mills]

5. Incidentally

I was similar, finished top 10% of my class, BOMBED my first semster of college (picked a major based on earning potential and not interest - DUMB) and proceeded through the wringer, dropped out of college for awhile and floated any crappy job I could get. Meanwhile all my HS buds seemed to be doing fine and I felt left behind. I eventually picked myself back up and went to community college and slowly rebuilt but i'll never forget the harsh slap of reality when things didn't go the way I planned.

[Longhorn]

9. Thanks for the plug for community college!

I teach math at community college. I so admire my students because many of them are turning their lives around for one reason or another, often with a full plate (work, low income, family obligations, etc.) Congratulations! Keep sharing your story so that you get the credit you deserve and can inspire others. :yourock:

[City of Mills]

14. Sure thing!

I was very fortunate to have a community college as well as a state college right in my city. I got back on track by going to community college - it was very refreshing to have "normal" class sizes and the teachers were fantastic overall - many taught at both schools so I ended up with the same education. Once I got my Associates degree, I transferred back to the state college and was able to transition so much easier. I loved the community college atmosphere - so much that I started working there part time nights. 11 years later, I've worked my way up the college ladder and I've been there full time for the past 9 years.

With my resume I could make more money somewhere else but I stay out of loyalty - it's a fantastic work environment and I can directly help transform people's lives for the better. I see it every day. My city has a large immigrant population and typically the first generation kids are the ones who have to get full-time jobs and learn English to support the family. I get to help these unsung heroes every day and there are plenty of success stories here. There's no place I'd rather work to be honest.

More background on my home city:
http://www.voanews.com/english/archive/2005-05/2005-05-04-voa72.cfm?CFID=311687021&CFTOKEN=25673241

[Longhorn]

15. How cool is that?

Talk about preaching to the choir!

I had a BA (Political Science) and had taught in middle and high school but my path to a masters degree and teaching at college began at my community college, too, when I decided to retake calculus after about 25 years. Had that been a bad experience, I might have decided to blow it off. I'm very mindful of that with my students.

I'm teaching a college prep class this summer -- 15 ladies (just a coincidence) of all ages who are all planning to go into the medical profession. I've never been so inspired by their determination and motivation. I think all but one student are African-American or Hispanic.

I'd love to get on as a full-time professor but my college seems to prefer to hire teachers from other colleges. They don't mind letting me teach up to 14 hours a semester, though! :eyes: I've looked at other positions at the college but I just love teaching so much that I don't want to quit. I'm proud to be a community college teacher! :)

[Ellen Forradalom]

23. You rock.

You know that? Community colleges are treasures.

[timtom]

34. Math at community college!

As a math washout all through school, I took a general math survey class at junior college. The teacher was the best I had ever had for that subject. He had us laughing so hard with his whimsy.

I learned math that semester. In later years engineering types would ask me for math help.

Thanks, community college math instructors!

[skygazer]

35. Another plug for community colleges

And for the talented individuals who teach at them. I am 47, attending a community college and loving it. I have been taught by a dedicated and incredible teaching staff - I can't imagine finding a better or more knowledgable group anywhere. Many of them also teach at 4 year or law schools but love the ideals and atmosphere of the cc.

They have inspired me to continue my education and I now have a major bug to get my BA and try getting into law school myself.

[leftyclimber]

4. Third that.

At the very least, after ruling out depression, talking to a counselor might help him figure out where his focus is.

[harmonicon]

6. I think it's pretty normal

He probably should have stuck with school, bad grades and all. I didn't do so well my first two years of college and thought about dropping out. I changed majors instead, and ended up getting much better grades. I had to work like hell and take summer school for those last two years, but I did it. If he doesn't enjoy what he's studying, he should study something else, but even if he gets "bad" grades, it's not the end of the world. People will be more concerned that he has a degree than what his grades were, and if he goes on to grad school, they'll care about things like papers he wrote in the field that he wants to continue to pursue.

[OmahaBlueDog]

17. My experience was pretty much the same

A lot of it is the "if I'd only known then what I know now.." thing.

The grades will matter more if the student is going on to grad school -- but that can be overcome through tests or work experience.

I agree that depression should be ruled out. If it is, I think some tough love is in order. Rent should be charged, and a clear expectation should be set that "if you're not at school -- you'd better be working." Sometimes, once you've worked in a warehouse or doing mindless office work, college begins to look good. Also, sometimes a job will lead to a study path in college (I really liked working at the advertising firm -- I'll major in Marketing). If your student wants to go ride around on a Eurail Pass or go check out the joys offered in Cabo San Lucas, make clear that Mom & Dad aren't picking up the tab.

[harmonicon]

18. I sort of agree

After two summers of working in college, spending the last two summers in summer school instead of working (my parents were happy to pay for summer school, because they're super serious about education) wasn't so bad, because it was harder, but more enjoyable. Other people would rather work. Even if someone is depressed, they can still be perfectly functional in school or at work. I was really depressed through most of college, but I just kept myself super busy, and one good thing about it was that I was surrounded by supportive friends.

I don't think I agree about charging kids rent. When I've been at my parents' place I've gotten so sick of my dad waking me up at 9 in the morning and telling me to go get a job or throwing the job postings from the paper at me, that getting out of the house for work, or trying to move out is priority #1. I'm glad that my parents are super nice in that way, and they really helped me get back on my feet in the past couple years after I got my master's degree, but couldn't get decent work on the other side of the country.

[OmahaBlueDog]

21. Every case is different, but you don't want a working kid at home with 100% disposable income

In my experience, that leads to other bad habits -- because 20 year olds tend to spend, not save. So they go to clubs, buy booze, buy weed (or worse), and all the other things 20yos with more money than sense do. If the parents charge rent, they can invest it, and give the money back later as a wedding gift, a business start up boost, a home downpayment -- whatever. To me, the object is to either nudge them back to school or force them toward self sufficiency.

I think we can agree that what a parent needs to avoid is a kid who "is trying to figure out what they want to do next" while working 15 hours a week at the c-store and spending the rest of the time playing Madden '08 or watching Judge Joe Brown, Oprah, and Rachel.

I was also depressed during school. My fiancee (now Mrs. OmahaBlueDog) was in Florida, and I was an overwhelmed, underfunded student at UC Berkeley. I considered transferring and quitting, but I was 3rd generation Cal, so the fear of earning both the contempt of my parents and my betrothed's parents made failure unthinkable. I had to graduate -- some way, some how.

[harmonicon]

22. I hear you there

My parents are happy that I'm making some money now, but I think my girl friend's family is even more so. At least now they think I'm an ok guy. I guess different people have different mentalities. There have been a few times since college that I've moved back in with my parents, and every time I had a very clear idea about what I'd rather be doing, and worked to save money to make those things a reality. Trying to figure out what you want to do is probably exactly what college is good for, and exactly what video games aren't good for.

[MichiganVote]

7. Sounds like he's conflicted about something. This is pretty typical for newbies in college.

They miss HS, they have trouble handling the newness of schedule freedom, they can't quite figure out the new way of having a herd and that it often changes each semester, they thought their major would be amazing and instead its not to their liking. If they depended on the admiration of peers to sustain their coolness, athletic ability or academic competence---that changes too. No more external motivation, internal is what they are searching for.

So what to do.

Work out the options that are acceptable to you. Things such as.......

-Sorry, you didn't play video games for hours in HS, not gonna happen in adulthood. Daily chore list and make it long.
-Needs to schedule an appointment with a college adviser to check out his plan--make sure its his plan
-If possible, have him investigate who he use as a model for his major area of study. Contact a few of those people. He does it, not you.
-Feeling moody? He needs to schedule an appointment with family Doc., If the relationship is good, let the Doc decide to refer him to a therapist if needed. If not monitor his food---HS and college kids who don't eat is a red flag.

A lot of kids get off to a false start or two after HS. Don't despair.

[annabanana]

8. You guys are great...

Maybe I'm "overmanaging".. It's the sort of think an opinionated loudmouth like myself could do. I think he's developed an allergy to my suggestions..

[mcctatas]

10. Sounds like me when I was 19...

I came home after the first semester and never wanted to go back, didn't want to see my friends, leave my house or for that matter my room. I was diagnosed with depression and started medication, the next fall I was back at school, grades were great, pledged a sorority, had the time of my life (then I met my husband, got knocked up, married and dropped out of school, but that had nothing to do with depression, just cheap beer and bad judgement;) I'm FINALLY finishing up this summer, but I'm still medicated.

FWIW, I did 2 years in AmeriCorps, I thought it was great and really helped me find my direction. It was also the catalyst for me going back to school, so I highly suggest it (plus, it looks good on a resume)

mcctatas

[hedgehog]

11. Get him to a therapist for a consult ASAP!

Your family doctor should be able to recommend a psychiatrist. It really does sound like some kind of depressive/anxiety disorder. A little talking therapy and maybe some medication may be in order.

Think of it this way - you wouldn't expect a track star to continue jumping hurdles with a broken leg. The problem with mental illnesses is that they aren't as obvious as a broken leg!

[Tuesday Afternoon]

12. Please get him to a doctor to be evaluated....

That is the age when psychosis appears... it could be depression...but, be aware:

Schizophrenia
What is Schizophrenia?
Schizophrenia is a chronic, severe, and disabling brain disorder that affects about 1.1 percent of the U.S. population age 18 and older in a given year. People with schizophrenia sometimes hear voices others don’t hear, believe that others are broadcasting their thoughts to the world, or become convinced that others are plotting to harm them. These experiences can make them fearful and withdrawn and cause difficulties when they try to have relationships with others. More about Schizophrenia »

Signs & Symptoms
Symptoms usually develop in men in their late teens or early twenties and women in the twenties and thirties, but in rare cases, can appear in childhood. They can include hallucinations, delusions, disordered thinking, movement disorders, flat affect, social withdrawal, and cognitive deficits. More about Signs & Symptoms »

http://www.nimh.nih.gov/health/topics/schizophrenia/index.shtml

[Mojambo]

13. Sounds exactly like me

Get him some support/therapy. Sooner the better.

Once this kind of depression/inertia sets in it can be tough to start living again.

In a very real sense I feel like I've forgotten how to live, but I've been struggling with this for almost 8 years.

[Lorien]

24. Unfortunately for some of us it's a permenent way of existing

I was diagnosed with depression when I was 15, and it's still something that I struggle with at age 43. I think the key is to have some sort of support system-caring family members or friends, and access to health care (I have none of either, and I suspect that many out there are in the same boat). Society needs to get past it's belief that depression is a personal failing and start seeing it as an illness that deserves treatment, just as cancer or MS does.

I hope that you find a way to start living again SOON. :hug:

[Mojambo]

29. Thank you

I'm actually considering moving back home with my family for the short term. I do feel like I could use the support while I try and dig myself back to the surface.

Might also try some therapy on a semi-regular basis. I can't really afford the once a week, but maybe if I can scrape up enough money for every other week I could at least feel like I'm trying something!

Thanks again for the support. I hope you have more good days than bad.

[Krakowiak]

31. from a seattlelite in the same boat

I wish you the best. It's a long struggle, but there are many of us out there that are going through the same, and support you.

[Elidor]

16. I was like that at that age, and so were most of my friends

If it's any consolation, we're all fully self-supporting and independent here in middle age. Occasionally I perform helpful labor for my parents. I also mock them for dressing me in lime-green polyester clothing as a child.

Junior needs a kick in the ass. He needs to be thrown into a situation over his head and forced to adapt. If he could get into the Peace Corps, that'd be awesome. But he needs a taskmaster to get him started. Self-starting is something he'll have to learn. My parents didn't ride me hard enough at that age. They just let me be slack, and I was. It leads to a rude awakening one way or the other. It might as well be under your guidance.

Good luck.

[pitohui]

19. i vote with the others to seek treatment for depression

this was not in my range of normal behavior at that age, all i wanted to do was to get out and do things and be away from my parents and have my own life, no offense to my parents, but at 19 i felt like a grown-up and college and traveling were very important to me

i can't imagine wanting to sit at home and have a clerical job, there's enough time to be boring and bored when you're old (and even if he WAS 40, i'd say it wasn't normal and he should seek treatment)

[Breeze54]

20. Give him chores to do and he'll leave the house in the blink of an eye!

"Now all this would be less troublesome if he ever left the house" ;)

But I do agree with the others here that he may be depressed.

Can't hurt to have him see his doctor. I hope things get better!

[LadyoftheRabbits]

25. Speaking from personal experience

(and I'm still in college), he should be seen for depression.

[Fox Mulder]

26. I'm going through that right now.

I know how he feels. :(

[jobycom]

27. Maybe he's not sure what he wants to do, and is afraid of shutting out options.

A lot of bright people, even adults, reach a point where they feel that their main options are all traps, and they are afraid to commit to one, either because they don't really like the options and are afraid that choosing one will cut out something they do really want (in this case, maybe the Peace Corp, or maybe even that is just an excuse to travel, or something), or because they have several options they do like, and each will kill the other opportunity. With such indecision, they choose neither because they don't want to exclude something, and so they wind up doing nothing they want. To fill the time, they do something trivial but challenging, like computer games to get a quick dose of a winning feeling, or a job far too simple for their skills, because such a job feels less permanent, so less exclusionary.

Yes, it can become a life-long habit. Yes, you do need to get to the root of it, or maybe just in some way force him to start moving. Throw him out, enroll him yourself in something, whatever you feel would force him into motion. Once he starts moving, he may find that whatever he is forced into will lead him in directions he wants. If not, it may at least use his skills in a way that is productive, rather than letting him rot in his room. Therapy is tricky, because it can become an excuse in itself, in this case, though a good therapist will be aware of that.

That's just a possible answer. It could be something completely different, like depression or a traumatic event you don't know about, or something else. Pure fear of facing the world, even.

[lligrd]

28. My 19 Year Old (First Year College) Was Having Problems Too

and was diagnosed with severe stress. His girlfriend just recently moved in with us after fighting with her parents and he was working nearly full time too. I had him quit his job and he seems to be doing much better.

In the meantime, her parents talked her into going to their family doctor and she came back with Prozac and an anti-anxiety drug. She couldn't even get up to go to school today (senior in High School) after taking them. And she hasn't seemed depressed to me at all (except when her parents come over to talk to her).

Why would a doctor prescribe dangerous drugs like these without even recommending therapy first? I am so angry at her parents and the doctor right now.

I say get him to a doctor for tests but drugs should always be a last resort.

[hedgehog]

36. That may well be a case of too low a dose of the drugs, oddly enough.

She should see a specialist who can take the time to talk to her and really evaluate what she needs and give her more help than a prescription. Drugs alone or talk alone are rarely enough, you need the combo.

[lligrd]

37. She Doesn't Seem The Least Bit Depressed To Me

Seems like a perfectly normal 18 year old. I really don't understand prescribing these kind of drugs without a thorough evaluation.

[orleans]

30. where are his friends?

maybe he's lacking his network of people support

if he is having second thoughts or doesn't want to do vista then maybe he should go back into school. (are any of his friends at the college he was going to?)

let him/encourage him to take a couple classes that would interest him. fun classes. it doesn't all have to be work/work/work.

an improv (theater) class, voice, music/guitar/keyboard, art/drawing/painting, graphic art, fencing, dance, photography, history of the people of tongo. classes that can be credited to electives.

maybe he is depressed.

maybe he is scared/worried about growing up and what he's going to do with his life. maybe he just doesn't know what he wants to do, what he likes. encourage/help him to find something he likes.

our community college also does trips (for college credit). that might be an idea. he could travel for a weekend, a week, explore.

he could take some fun classes at your community college (they would most likely all transfer into a 4 year--but even if they don't they might be more interesting than video games and a clerical job. summer school is starting soon--see what they're offering)

and again. are his friends around? home for the summer?

i recently watched the movie city slickers (billy crystal) and i'm remembering that scene where his wife tells him to go ahead on the cattle drive--"go and find your smile"

good luck, anna. hoping all the best for him.

[FloridaJudy]

32. I'll third and fourth the suggestions that he see a doctor

Could be depression, could be what they call an "adjustment disorder" which is a mild form of depression. Could also be something physical, like low thyroid or chronic fatigue. If he gets a clean bill of health, I'd suggest a good therapist. This might just be a kid who needs more time to decide where he wants to go in life, and a therapist can help with that. My college grades were dismal when I was pursuing a teaching degree - my parents wanted me to be a teacher. When I switched to nursing - which I adored - my grades went up, my mood went up and my social life picked up. Finding the right direction can do that.

Or maybe he just needs a "Wanderjahr" - a break from college until he decides what he wants to do. There's nothing wrong with working a few years until he decides where he wants to go. I regret going directly to college from high school. I definitely needed some seasoning first.

[raccoon]

33. Me too.

"I regret going directly to college from high school. I definitely needed some seasoning first."

[applegrove]

38. He could be depressed. How does he sleep? Cause if he suffers from

insomnia it could be a sign of depression.