Am I the only one who doesn't miss my mother, doesn't think she

[NMDemDist2]

was the greatest and is totally over all the sappy "I heart my mom" crap?

My mother was a nightmare and the last 16 years have been a blessed relief from her manipulative, drama queen bullshit.

But that's just me, YMMV :shrug:

[Tuesday Afternoon]

1. My mother is still living

I don't want to go into details in a public message board but, I totally understand what you mean :hug:

[NMDemDist2]

6. I cut the ties before she died

didn't find out she'd passed until 5 years later.

I sat and thought about it, checked my emotional state and you know what? Nothing.

:hug:

[Breeze54]

2. I'm so sorry that was your experience...

:hug:

[NMDemDist2]

7. what doesn't kill you makes you stronger

:evilgrin:

[Breeze54]

10. That's so true and...

you seem to be a strong one! Keep on keeping on! ;)

:hug:

[Mezzo]

3. Not at all. My Mom R O C K S ! one thousand one hundred eleven!!!!1111!!!!

truly. My mom rocks so much I even get her a FATHER'S DAY present! I am sorry your experience with your mother wasn't one you'd think a child deserves.

My childhood made Kramer vs. Kramer look like an episode of Romper Room. But as you get older, you just want your baggage to match your outfit before you leave the house.

[NMDemDist2]

8. good on ya!

I know there are good moms out there, in fact my stepmother is an absolute blessing in my life.....

:loveya:

[SammyWinstonJack]

4. My mother left when I was two and I saw her once when I was ten. My stepmother was a nightmare.

She resented the fact that she even had to deal with me and my brother. It wasn't pleasant growing up around her.

[NMDemDist2]

9. that sux

:hug:

[Pool Hall Ace]

5. It's certainly okay to feel that way.

I feel that way about my father. He was like a big, stinky, verbally abusive wet blanket. And I don't miss him because there is nothing to miss.

[NMDemDist2]

11. yup

:pals:

[Lyric]

12. I'm truly sorry for you. My family had its share of problems

including poverty, my Dad's Vietnam-induced PTSD, and a lot of anger and resentment borne of despair and bad circumstances. But I truly had (and still have) a wonderful mother. Even when Dad was constantly drunk and she had to work two minimum wage jobs to care for her three kids, she never treated us badly, and we *always* knew that she loved us more than anything.

I wish you could have had a Mom like mine. I thank my lucky stars every day for being blessed with her. :hug:

[BlueIris]

13. You're not the only one. nt

[AngryOldDem]

14. You are not alone.

My mother is the dictionary definition of toxicity. I can't say that I will ever be totally rid of her influence, I think my life is to some degree happier and more in control since I cut her loose. I never understood why family deserves a pass on shitty behavior merely because they share the same blood.

This kind of "holiday" is just one more day on the calendar for me. As is Father's Day, even though my dad's been gone for over 25, and also treated me like shit when he was alive. Folks like us should spend the money that we would otherwise use to buy hearts and flowers and just buy ourselves a round of stiff drinks in congratulation of surviving our parents.

Here: First one's on me. :beer:

[libnnc]

22. great post and I agree with you

:beer:

[Tikki]

15. My mother was...

whatever...

On the other hand...my mother-in-law was
one of my very best friends and I miss her.

Tikki

[Ellen Forradalom]

16. I am glad you took care of yourself

Many are called upon to do the tough job of cutting family loose to preserve themselves. You are not alone.

[Forkboy]

17. My best friend is like that.

He doesn't miss his mother in the slightest bit, and from what's he's told me I don't blame him.

[YellowRubberDuckie]

18. My mom is still living, and I am not all I heart my mom.

Because I don't know if I love her, if that makes sense. Most days, I don't even like her. She is an emotional blackmailer.
However, I DO heart my mother in law. Marrying her son was the best thing that ever happened to me, and she treats me as a mother is supposed to treat her daughter, and I thank God Skip has a mother like her.
Duckie

[Oeditpus Rex]

19. My mom died 21 years ago

I'm still dealing with my inability to meet the standards she set for me.

I got rid of my anger at her a long time ago, though; it wasn't doing me any good. I just wish she would've acknowledged the way I felt about never being good enough.

[VenusRising]

20. You are not alone.

I disowned mine 9 years ago. I definitely don't miss the bullshit. I just wish that I had a mom who loved me for me. She had another daughter 10 years ago or so. I hope she treats that child better.


:hug: for you.

[libnnc]

21. my mother refuses to be a part of my life

has never accepted my partner (been together 15 years and they've never even met).

I finally had enough last year and cut her off completely. This is the first mothers day I haven't acknowledged her at all.

[VenusRising]

26. ...

:hug:

[NMDemDist2]

31. ....

:hug:

[kineneb]

23. Mom was -not- there for me when I needed her- but grandma was

Mom is more like an aunt than a "mom". My grandmother is the person who was there to care for me when I was sick, hurt or sad. So to Nonnie, wherever/whatever you are now, Happy Mothers' Day. I love you and still miss you.

[NMDemDist2]

30. yes. Grammy was the only reason I'm sane today

I miss her all the time

:cry:

[Mz Pip]

24. My mom was difficult

I don't think she meant to be, she just grew up in a different era. She would hold grudges for years. She didn't speak to her sister for 3 years over an argument over a potted plant.When she got older she became very hard of hearing and would hold grudges over things people never even said.

THe last 7 years of her life she lived with me and my family. It was difficult for me but she was pretty good with my hubby and kids.

I always wished it had been different, that we could have gotten along better, but it wasn't.

[Critters2]

25. I miss my mom, but her relationship with her mom

sounds like yours. I never met my maternal grandmother. She and my mom had some falling out while my mom was in college. Everyone who knew them both blamed my grandmother. At my mom's funeral, her sister said "Your grandmother was a very difficult person". That seems to have been the consensus.

My mom never made any attempt to communicate with her mother. And I only found out about her death about three months later. I was in grad school in Boston, my parents or siblings didn't attend the funeral, so no one let me know about it until I went home on summer break. She was just a non-entity in our lives.

So, my mom must have felt that life was better without contact with her mother. I've always been glad that my mom learned how to be a loving, caring mother in spite of the modeling she received, and didn't behave like her mom.

So, I'm sorry about your experience, but I have some sense of how you may have felt.

Happy Mother's Day, anyway.

[Mutley]

27. I don't talk to my mom much.

We don't dislike each other or fight, but we apparently don't have much to say to one another.

[avasmom]

28. is she still alive?

16 years is a long time... perhaps she has learned and regrets things. its a hard thing for me to imagine living without communicating with my mother, and to imagine my children "getting over" me...

it must be painful- but its never too late, i truly do believe people can change and people can learn.

i wish you the best...

[NMDemDist2]

29. she died 5 or 6 years ago

:shrug:

[bigwillq]

32. This thread is so sad.

I am truly sorry for everyone who didn't have a mother that wasn't the type of mother they deserved or expected.

I guess I am truly blessed because my mom is the best! You can feel free to visit anytime and hang out with her. She's like a surrogate mom to some of my friend's who's mothers aren't really a part of their lives.

[fudge stripe cookays]

33. Me! She's a crazy, controlling bitch, and...

part of the reason I left Texas was to get further away. I've posted about my mother before. She once told me she wished that I'd choked on my umbilical cord.

Several years ago, there was the fact that I did not call her on Mother's Day until 6 PM since I was out gardening all afternoon. I had planned on sending her a nice gift certificate to a day spa, but was researching which ones were available in Austin. I explained that when I called her, that that was why I hadn't gotten a card in the mail-- because I was working on something nicer and much fancier. She responded with monosyllables for the entire call, so I knew she was sulking. Over a fucking $1.50 card. So I hung up on her. She called me the next day to apologize, and I told her I was done...that I was sick and tired of her fucking soap opera, and I never wanted to talk to her again.

When we did eventually speak again, she told me she had planned on driving from Austin to Dallas, and she was going to shoot me when I opened the door. And..."I just bought a new car. So you wouldn't even know who did it!" She sounded very proud of herself. So I alerted the cops in our hometown that if I ever ended up dead that the first person they should investigate was my own mother, and here is her address and phone number. THAT was when I realized that 200 miles away was STILL too close.

After my brother died last October, I was so angry at mom I could barely see straight. I'm convinced that part of the reason he was so stressed and his heart gave out (other than his money worries), was constantly being stressed and vigilant that she was going to find him again. My mother was essentially stalking my brother, and would not leave him alone.

I asked her a couple months ago before he died why she couldn't just leave him alone and just let him live his life. "Mom, why are you doing this?" I asked. "Because I CAN," was what she snottily told me. I reminded her of that when she asked me why I was so pissed at her after he died. She of course, couldn't remember EVER saying that. I hung up on her.

The last straw was when she asked me a few months ago if the coroner in Colorado had done an examination of his brain. She was convinced that my brother had to have a tumor or be crazy or something to not want to have anything to do with her. She wanted the coroner's phone number, and I wouldn't give it to her. She was furious. I was the only one who was in my brother's address book, and I did all the taking care of arrangements when he died. My brother hated my mother (with good reason), and I knew he wouldn't have wanted her to have anything to do with this stuff.

So after 42 years of putting up with her fucking bullshit, and lamenting every day that my wonderful dad passed awy while the crazy bitch lived, I have cut off all ties. And I have never felt so peaceful or good about a decision in my life.

[NMDemDist2]

35. without going into my sad tale of woe

I can relate :hug:

[fudge stripe cookays]

37. Thanks sweetie.

Here's a hug for you too. :hug:

And while I know Ava's mom has a good heart, and that's why she is so idealistic, the truth is that a lot of people ARE incapable of changing.

My mom is probably sitting at home right now STEWING because she got no phone call and no card, and there is absolutely NOTHING she can do about it. She is a control freak....this drives her batshit. And this gives me a perverse sense of happiness, because for most of my life, she wouldn't let ME have any control of my own life. I was 26 before I was able to move out!

I had only a few years of blessed independence before I was diagnosed with MS, so now I hate her for that even more than I used to. To think of all the living I could have jammed into that time.... {{{{{shakes head}}}}}

[grace0418]

45. My mother is definitely convinced that, whenever one of my siblings isn't speaking

to her, they must be crazy. She never sees herself as the common denominator. Luckily my mother can't drive or do anything clever enough to stalk anyone. She can barely use a phone. But dealing with her infantile behavior is really killing my two oldest sisters right now (the are the living the closest to her). Before that she was living near me and two of my brothers, so we had to deal with it.

I'm sorry FSC. Sucky moms are the worst. :hug:

[texanwitch]

34. My mother was never part of my life.

I miss my aunt and grandmother a lot.

My mother is alive and well but there is nothing there.

I have a housemate who has a great mother, we took her to the beach today.

[AteAlien]

36. I struggled most of the day

with whether or not to call my mother, and decided against it. She has treated me very badly at times, and I can't muster up the false emotions needed to talk with her today.

[Generic Brad]

38. You are not alone in feeling that way

I don't miss being belittled, condemned, threatened, and intentionally humiliated one bit.

[grannylib]

39. My mom's still living; I love her, but we're not close, and I do have a

hard time imagining that I will miss her a LOT when she's gone. Makes me feel bad to admit that, but it's simply true. I don't hate her or anything close to it; we're just not really close. I was tight with my Dad; I miss him big bunches. And I know I'll be sad when my Mom goes, and that I'll have some fond memories, but it won't leave the hole in my middle like Daddy dying did.

[riverdeep]

40. You can choose your friends,

but you can't choose your family. And sometimes someone in your family is a psychopath. We have this Norman Rockwell image of how things should be, and when they aren't, people feel badly or guilty. Forget that. Unfortunately, not everyone gets good parents, or siblings, or whatever. If you drew the short straw, don't compound the situation by feeling like it's your fault.

Think about the lunatics you meet or know in your daily life. They're someone's family member. Someone has to deal with that insanity all the time, maybe in their formative years. If they're lucky, they'll realize what they're experiencing is insanity and distance themselves from it.

Obviously, it's a case by case thing. Sometimes, leaving an opening for them to change is good, sometimes slamming the door forever is the best thing.

[Tektonik]

41. I love my mom

I may not like her sometimes, but she's my mother, and if I ever need her in a dire situation, she will be there for me.

[EFerrari]

42. That was my mom twenty years ago. I think she outlived the @sshole part

and is now well into her second, better life. :hug: to you, my friend.

[Manifestor_of_Light]

43. Me neither.

She's been gone for almost six years.

She never exercised, never took care of herself. She sat around and bitched about how my dad was a bum, he didn't work hard enough,etc. He worked two jobs (rotating shift work as a pipefitter and attorney) for fifteen years. She was telling me this when I was five years old and i saw no evidence that he was a bad guy. I remember my grandmom telling my mother, "Jim should be buying you a big house where you can entertain, instead of that little frame house". I was too young to be shocked.

She expected to be a princess and marry a doctor and sit up in a big house and eat bonbons. The rest of us wouldn't listen to her griping. She just couldn't cope and
took lots of tranquilizers (including heavy ones) and was a packrat. She spent her life getting high on downers and dad went nuts trying to be rational and deal with her inactivity. She didn't appreciate anything Dad did, either, and he had the patience of a saint with her.

After dad died, she refused to go into a nursing home. Two diff doctors told her to. She refused. So I thought, "OK, I will let her sit her and rot if she doesn't want help".

After a couple of years she called me and begged me to come get her and take her to the city. She wanted a vacation in the hospital and couldn't get one.

I borrowed her car and drove it for several months. She was not driving by that time -- she couldn't see -- and paid another woman to drive her to the doctor. She sent me a nasty letter from a lawyer threatening legal action, civil and criminal both, possibly. That is when I took the car up there in the middle of the night and left it under the carport with the keys in it. I couldn't believe she threatened legal action against me.

Then she said "I don't want you to be stranded alone at night" and I told her "Well, you wouldn't let me drive the car you weren't using, and I did get stranded alone at night because we only had one car and my friend could not come get me. So why don't you put your money where your mouth is".

I took care of her for the last few months of her life, at my house, and she was incredibly aggravating. She had Alzheimer's and repeated stuff over and over again, loudly, and it was all depressing. I asked her once to stop it and say something positive. She responded by diving under the covers in the recliner and sleeping for three days!

It has taken my partner and I 5 years to clean the stuff out of her house, and try to sell and give away the decent stuff. Everything in her house was mixed up randomly. Empty coffee jars, plastic sacks, pie tins, empty pill bottles, you name it.

She had this attitude for the last 15 years of her life that my partner and I were both horrible because we could not find jobs. As far as she was concerned, we were no better than criminals and were just horrible failures. My partner and I each have three college degrees, and his are in math and physics and engineering, and mine are in biology and law. So all she and dad did was bitch at us about not having jobs. They did not understand the job market being bad in the 90s, and couldn't understand why anyone who wanted a job could not necessarily find one. And then it got a lot worse since then.


The only way I get any good vibes is to look at ceramic works that she made BEFORE I was born. I'm talking ceramics she hand-modeled or glazed in 1950.

[grace0418]

44. You're not the only one. My mother is still alive, but hasn't wanted to be for most of

the last decade. My whole life she was manipulative, passive-aggressive, immature, self-absorbed, abusive one minute and cloyingly sweet the next. Now she's all that and a bag of whiny depression.

The other day she told my sister "I wish the Lord would take me home" and it was all my sister could do not to respond "Is there anyone I can call, do need me to talk to him for you?"

It's sad, but I will not miss her when she's gone. The phone call and the flowers for Mother's Day is just a totally joyless obligation for me.

:hug: AZDEM

[Manifestor_of_Light]

46. My grandmother was worse than my mother.

My grandmother was an overachiever in her day. She was bossy and controlling and yelled at me all the time because she didn't like whatever I did in her house. Like not eating her crappy overcooked food, not getting up at the crack of dawn, and not sleeping in her soft beds. I slept on the floor.

My mother, the prescription junkie, was scared of her too and was always the good little girl.