My dad just walked out of the house.

[lightningandsnow]

My parents are actually splitting up.

I'm not so much angry about that, as with the fact that my dad just fucking LEFT (he will be back... he says), leaving me with my mother who is freaking insane - and rather emotionally abusive.

Oh yes, and I just called him... he won't tell me where the fuck he is.

Fuck my "family". Just... fuck them.

[WritingIsMyReligion]

1. Run after him?

:shrug: :P

No, in all seriousness...sorry this is happening to you. :hug:

[av8rdave]

2. So sorry to hear....

For what it's worth, try to "tune out" a lot of what happens in the short term. During a family crisis, people often act emotionally and therefore irrationally (in other words, adults act like children).

Things will settle out after a while, and it will hopefully be easier to make sense of what happens.

Good luck and all the best to you!

[SKKY]

3. I feel for you Aspie, I really do...

...I've lived that very scenario, and it's no fun. I'm assuming that, like I was, you're much closer to your father, which makes it all the more difficult.

[yellowcanine]

4. I am not sure this is the best place to be talking about this. You need someone you can trust -

such as a close friend, pastor, counselor or mentor. Face to face is better than internet because hugs may be needed.

[skater314159]

25. Exactly. nt

[redwitch]

5. That sucks.

But you are going to be OK. Things will get better for you. Did I read that you will be leaving for college in the fall? That will help to put some distance between you and the parental units. Hang in there honey! -Redwitch, who also had dysfunctional parents.

[GreenPartyVoter]

6. Maybe you should divorce them yourself???

[lightningandsnow]

9. That would be nice,

Since my mom has decided that my dad has been voted off the metaphorical island.

Now our trip to California in July is probably going to be just her, me, and my brother.

In which case I am seriously considering just staying home.

[skater314159]

26. Maybe you and your brother should stay home...

... you guys make sure you do what's right for the BOTH OF YOU GUYS! :grouphug:

[lightningandsnow]

29. It's HIS trip.

It's for his Bar Mitzvah, and she's a lot nicer to him than to me. So of course he'll want to go.

[skater314159]

33. Oh no.

Then let him go... but be prepared that she will try to use your not going as leverage against you. She may also employ guilt or manipulation to try to get you to go.

Talk to your brother about how you are feeling - be sure to use the "I feel" and "I think" language instead of the "You ______" language - and let him know that it would be best for YOU if you didn't go on the trip with him and your mom. Ask him if there is anything he wants for his Bar Mitzvah or if you know somewhere the two of you like to go, go there together with him. Make that your gift to him. Let him know that you aren't rejecting him, you are protecting yourself.

He may be upset initially, but he *is* your brother, so he should "get" you and your needs.

[lightningandsnow]

34. I'm not sure if I'm going to stay home, though.

Truth be told, I've always wanted to go to california, although it would upset me if my dad wasn't there. Also, my mom is capable of being perfectly nice at times, so it's really hit-or-miss.

[TrogL]

35. There will be stress

She may be stressed out having to cope in a strange place without him.

You may be stressed out dealing with unfamiliar people and locations, without your father to help.

Been there, done that.

[skater314159]

38. Agreed...

... and "vaction" and "stess" go together like "inflatable" and "dart board".

I'd recommend seeing CA without having to worry about bad vibes stomping on your fun... that's what road trips are for! If you do decide to stay home, you could make a plan that you will make a trip to CA with friends when you are in college, or something like that.

Having goals and things to look forward to can really help you slog through tough times... and it can help keep you from being manipulated by people who want to make it seem as if you miss out on this trip - you miss out on any chance of ever going to CA in your life.

(That last paragraph is just some advice based on a personal exp.)

:grouphug:

[Shine]

7. Sorry.

:hug:
it sucks when the adults act less mature than the kids. I've been there.

[SacredCow]

8. So sorry....

I hope that you have someone nearby to talk to.

:hug:

[Bucky]

10. Wow. What a horrible thing to go thru.

How old are you? If you're not comfortable living with your mom, in most states you're able to argue who you'd rather live with. My kid availed herself of that option when she was 11 and moved in with me, but that's just Texas law--she had to prove to the court she was mentally competant to make that choice by roping a cow and shootin' an injun.

[lightningandsnow]

11. I can technically live where I want,

as I'm 16 years old.

However, my mom keeps telling me that maybe my dad wouldn't want me living with him.

I have no idea if that's true, or just more of her bullshit headgames.

[Bucky]

12. Talk with him on neutral ground.

But you're number one job here is to seek serenity and don't let their shit become your shit. It all sounds terribly intense.

You get my rarely dispensed cyberhugs on this one. :pals: It will get better, but that may be a few rough months down the pike.

[skater314159]

30. It sounds like a mind game...

... and your mom, if she has BPD, she fears abandonment. She will use any emotional or verbal abuse/games she can to get you to stay with her.

Ask your dad... do it when it is just the two of you, someplace you guys can talk. I'd recommend in a nice restaurant over some good comfort food (whatever that is to you guys!) as that will help the two of you to be more comfortable and relaxed. Tell him that you don't want to live with your mother, and explain why.

Listen to what he has to say... it sounds like he is tired of her abuse also.

Peace and be well,
skater pi

[peacefreak]

13. I am so sorry AspieGirl.

It is not fair to put you or your brother in the middle of all this. I hope you have a safe place. As the divorce goes on I hope you will be provided with a guardian ad litem. This person's job is to be the advocate for you & your brother.
I wish I could take you under my wing. You sound like a really cool kid. I will keep you in my thoughts.

[SallyMander]

14. So sorry to hear this

Do you have other family or friends you could stay with for a little while?

In any case: :hug: :hug: :hug:


And i PROMISE, things get better after high school!!!

[lightningandsnow]

18. Hmm... I wonder who I could stay with?

I'm not sure my mom would let me, since she's rather controlling.

I have a couple friends who are older than me... perhaps I could stay with one of them.

[SallyMander]

19. It would probably be good for you

to have a little space, be away from the mayhem.

How long until you're 18?

[lightningandsnow]

20. I'm 16 now,

but I have a birthday late in the year (December) - so I'll be going to university when I'm 17.

[SallyMander]

22. Gotcha

Do you know where you're going to school yet? Hopefully it'll get you some much-needed space! :hug:

[lightningandsnow]

23. Who knows.

I have some places in mind, but a few days ago my mom told me,

"It's not just your decision. You don't have the final say."

[skater314159]

32. That's her attempt to control you...

... she recognises that with University comes your freedom. You won't be under her direct control once you leave for college - and you will also be free of her mental, emotional and verbal abuse. Once you begin to live on your own, you will see how much she had a grip on you, and she knows that once you are free, you won't let her control you ever again. She likely recognises that her period of controlling you is over - and because she likely equates that control with "caring for you" and "loving you" she thinks that she will "lose you" when you go to college.

Some people have trouble with being themselves and having boundaries. If a person who has trouble with boundaries and is in need of others to make them feel whole becomes a parent, they will often use their children to "complete themselves". I think this is what your mother may be doing...

If so, you and your dad BOTH need to go to counseling/therapy... you are both going to be going through a lot from your mom if she has BPD or any of the other personality disorders. The fact that your dad and you (as you are planning for and leaving to go to University) are both attempting to seperate from her - which is what she has the great anxiety over - means that her behaviour will likely get WORSE before it gets better. You, your brother and your dad need to go somewhere where you will be safe. If you have to, call your state's local Child Protection Services or the Police. They are trained to deal with sitations like this, they can help you and your brother, and they can make sure your mom gets the help she needs.

Where you go to college is your choice - it is your life. Don't let anyone ruin it! If you want to go somewhere - go for it... if you need to, when you get to University, go to the financial aid office and ask them for help. I did - and I paid for my entire schooling myself... University officials are used to situations like ours, and they sincerely want every student who WANTS an education to get one. Don't let fear hold you down.

Be well,
skater pi

[NashVegas]

43. So Sorry

Hi AspieGirl -

Like others say in the thread, this is their problem - it sucks that you will have to be affected by the fallout, when your family life surroundings fall apart and there's nothing you can do to stop or direct the changes.

Once your parents get their shit sorted out, that's when it's time to decide if you want to move out of your mom's house. Start by talking to your dad, if that's where you want to go - not her. If there's a counselor at school who's not an ass, that would be a good person to talk to in the meantime.

Your folks are going through a lot of emotions right now; they may not have room to deal with your emotional needs on top of their own. Sucks, but there it is, and that's why you should look for a counselor.

[hippywife]

15. Really, really sorry, sweetie.

But I would follow av8rdave's advice in reply #2. Let them blow off steam and keep yourself upstream from it all. :hug:

[Connonym]

16. Sweetie

When I was a teenager my mom moved out twice without telling us beforehand that she was leaving. I understand the hurt you're feeling. I'm ashamed to say that even 25 years later it still fucks with my emotions and I've got a big fear of abandonment. Please feel free to PM me if you need someone to talk to about it. In the meantime :hug: and I know it's hard not to, but try not to take this personally. Speaking also as a divorced parent myself -- it doesn't make what your dad did right and I'm not offering any excuses for his behavior but his selfishness right now is part of the pain he's going through and I'm sure he doesn't mean to hurt you this way. My heart hurts for you AspieGrrl :hug: :hug:

[Karenina]

17. (((BABYKINS!!!)))

:hug::grouphug::hug: We got your back!!! :loveya:

Imagine your dad at your age. That's what he's behaving like. Parents are people, many who have never grown out of being self-centered, idiotic, self-absorbed ASSHOLE TEENIES in older bodies.

APB! APB! Calling Skittles!!! We need an ass kicking here!

[FloridaJudy]

21. I'm so sorry this happened to you

I remember when I was a teen, and how hard it is too stay under the radar when a family member is mentally ill. Do you have any good friends you can talk to/stay with? Sometimes just venting helps.

It'll get better when you finish High School and move away to college, but knowing that doesn't help you now.

But here's a hug. :hug:

[skater314159]

24. Okay... here is my recommendation for your sitation:

Do you have a trusted adult or friend relative whom you can stay with?

Does your dad KNOW that your mom is very emotionally and verbally abusive of you?

Do you have somewhere SAFE that you can go and have your father pick you up there?

If you want to talk or vent, PM me, I'm here all night.

skater pi

[Blarch]

27. Welcome to the 'divorced parents club'

:grouphug:

[malta blue]

28. sorry to hear that AspieGrrl.

:hug:

Please keep in mind that everyone in your family is hurting right now and that they may not be acting as rational as possible.

[Cabcere]

31. Ouch.

:( I'm sorry to hear about that, AspieGrrl...I don't really have any advice for you, but I do hope things get better for you and your family soon. :hug: Sending good vibes your way! :pals:

[qwertyMike]

36. Jeez man

Can you hang on for 6 months?
That seems to be the magic number for your parents working it out.

Friends?

Mike

Love

[BarenakedLady]

37. That has to be tough

I'm sorry that you have to suffer their problems with each other.



:hug:

[lightningandsnow]

39. OK, now I feel bad.

My mom is being all nicey-nice right now... so I feel bad being mad at her.

Arrrgh.

[Madrone]

40. Oh - Have you packed your bags?

Because you're being taken on a guilt trip. ;) Been there, done that, a million times. HATED it.

I don't know if it's fortunate or unfortunate that I can so vividly remember what it FEELS like to live in an abusive, dysfunctional environment where I had NO control because I was a kid. Fortunate, I guess - because it means I will NEVER repeat that behavior or allow it - ever again - into my life.

Seriously, when I was your age I very seriously though I was one hair's breadth away from COMPLETELY losing my mind. It's a very odd feeling - that any moment you could tumble off the fence onto the "nuts" side.

I am so very sorry you have to deal with this - and I wish there were SOMETHING I could do. Unfortunately, all I can do sounds cheap and unreal at this point in your situation - and that's simply to tell you that it WILL change and it WILL get better. There's not much you can do but hang on until you can get there. :(

Wishing you as little stress, dysfunction, and heartache as possible. Take care, sweetheart. :hug:

[NashVegas]

44. You're Not Bad

What's important about anger is that you express it in a way that doesn't demean the person you're mad at.

[La Lioness Priyanka]

41. honey, i am really sorry for your recent troubles with your fam.

hugs.

[Mutley]

42. I'm so sorry.

Give your dad a few days to cool down and call him again. Maybe he'll be more rational once he's thinking with a clear head.

:hug:

[applegrove]

45. So sorry to hear that AspieGirl. Very sorry.

[shaniqua6392]

46. Been there....done that.

Except my Dad kicked me and my mom out and let my two brothers stay at home. It has been almost 30 years now and neither of my two brothers talk to him any more. He and I have finally become closer and he comes to stay with my hubby and I every summer for about a month. My point is that things do change and what is happening now is not within your control. The future will bring better things. Talk to both of your parents...talk to someone to get help dealing with it. And most of all....take care of you. Don't worry about taking care of anyone else but you.

[lightningandsnow]

47. Thanks for all the vibes/hugs/whatever else.

I'm doing OK, I guess. My parents are still simultaneouly managing to be selfish AND prioritizing my brother... for example, my dad think's it's OK to drag me all the way downtown from where I live, on a school night where I have a lot of work, simply because my brother wants to talk to him. I mean, Jesus H. Christ, can these people not wait until the weekend?

My mom and my brother are also both harassing me as to why I want to move out. I'm 16, and could technically live on my own, if I wanted. (Not doing that, by the way.) Therefore, I do not have to answer to anyone about where I want to live.