May I ask a very personal and painful question? Regarding divorce and children.

[Beausoir]

Those of you who have been through a divorce either as a parent or as a child.

How did you break the news to your children?

As a child, how was the news delivered to you? Is there anything that could have made the blow less horrific for you?

That's all I can ask because I can't see the keyboard through the tears right now.

[fizzgig]

1. first off

:hug: :hug: :hug: :hug: :hug:

a lot of it is going to depend on how old the kids are

my parents separated once when i was 11 or 12, but i don't really remember how they told me. they got back together but split permanently when i was 21. they just sat me down on the couch and told me. the only thing i would have wanted done differently was for them to tell me earlier, it was in the works for a few months prior and my sister knew, but i didn't

[laylah]

15. When your dad and I first

separated, we took you and your sister into our bedroom, we all laid down, each of us holding tightly to our girls, and your dad and I told you what was going on. We made a special point of making sure you girls knew it had NOTHING to do with you, only your dad and I. We assured you both how much you were (are) loved and that we would still be a family. Then we all cried together, even daddy shed a few. :cry:

As for when we split permanently in '02, I have no idea why your sister thinks she knew long before you because we told you both on the same day. :hug: I'm sorry you feel we left you out of the loop.

So, Beausoir, sadly, from experience, I think the most important thing is to make sure your children know how much you love them and that none of this has anything to do with them. Unfortunately, children tend to think a divorce is their fault and need the reassurance that it isn't.

I am so sorry. It is a painful process but you will get through it. :hug:

[Beausoir]

17. Thank you.

[lizziegrace]

2. I'm going to PM this link to my daughter Lelapin

she's a member of DU and will turn 21 next month. Her father and I divorced 6 years ago and separated 7 years ago.

I do remember that not knowing what was going on (when clearly there was) was more harmful to her than the truth was...

:hug:

I wouldn't with it on anyone, but you and the children will survive this.

[ScreamingMeemie]

3. It wasn't breaking the news of a divorce...

It was telling my son that his best buddy, his daddy, was gone. But, I sat him down, told him how much I loved him and then told him that his dad had died. No matter how you break news of this sort, I will warn you, it will break your heart and when you think back on it it will hurt all over again. I stress that, as long as they know how much you love them, they survive. My son's ability to move on (not always perfect) amazes me. They are stronger than we are in some ways.

I will also say this, as the child of parents who should have split up when I was 5 but waited until I was 35, children are aware of more than we give them credit for. I knew my parents weren't happy from a very young age. And that affected me.

I keep you in my thoughts today as you face this task. One that nobody ever wants to have to deal with. Hugs to you.

[Beausoir]

4. I don't know how you did it. I really don't. I just can't imagine it.

You gave me some much needed perspective.

Thank you.

[ScreamingMeemie]

7. Because I had to.

Although I sat far longer before I called for him than I should have.

You will survive this.

[Ariana Celeste]

5. hmm

I honestly can't remember how we were informed.

What I *do* remember is how our parents acted. Towards each other and us.

Pops just up and moved out of state. Mom, always went out of her way to make sure that we didn't hear anything bad about Pops come out of her mouth or from anyone around us. Pops on the other hand was pretty open with his hostility towards mom. Mom worked to make sure that she didn't play favorites or do anything to be the 'better parent'. Pops let my brother run wild and didn't discipline him, if anything seemed to reward my brother whenever he was trouble making. (I however was treated like everything was my fault, I am my mother's daughter after all)

The asshole still talks trash about my mother and we've had a lot of arguments about it over the years. Needless to say we are not very close at all now that I'm an adult and can make my own choices.

As far as I'm concerned it's not about how you tell children. What matters is how they see you act. The way they are treated and the way mom and dad treat each other.

[Pale Blue Dot]

11. I agree 1000%. nt

[Haole Girl]

6. First of all...

Many hugs to you. :hug: :hug: :hug:

As a child of divorced parents, I just wanted it "straight up." My mother tried to "soften the blow" by going about it with one of her long, in depth, talks. It was annoying me... so I cut her off and said, "Are you and Dad gettting a divorce?" She seemed relieved... especially when I said, "It's about time." They had been bickering for 10 years, non-stop, by that point... and it was worse than any separation or divorce ever was.

Good luck. Hang in there. It does get better.

:hug:

[miss_american_pie]

8. I don't remember being told

I assume I was about four or five. Apparently there was some drama I have repressed.

If you really want to know about what happened when we told our kids, I'll pm you.

:hug:

[Shine]

9. Hugs and love to you, Beausoir

:hug: I'm sure this is very painful, but you will get through it.

My parents divorced when I was 6 yrs old. I don't have any specific memory of being told by them what was happening, but I do remember a couple of dramatic and emotional scenes between them, that I barely understood at the time. It was difficult for all of us, but in the Big Picture, it definitely helped provide experiences that made me the person I am today. In other words, yes it's painful, but children are incredibly resilient and can get through anything, esp if you make a point of letting them know it is NOT about them and the change of your marital status will not, in any way, change the deep love you both have for them.

:hug: I wish you all the best in the difficult days and months ahead. Onward and upward....

[Pale Blue Dot]

10. My ex and I sat my son down and told him straight out.

We told him that it had nothing to do with him, that we both loved him and would always be a part of his life. He burst into tears.

It was one of the hardest moments of my life. At that point, had my ex said to me "Let's give it another try", I probably would have, for all the wrong reasons.

For what it's worth, 3 years have passed, my son is almost 13 now and he's doing fine.

:hug:

[havocmom]

12. Used to run Peer Support for parents/children going through divorce

Be as honest as possible, considering age/maturity level of kids involved. Be as calm as possible. Be aware that you are NOT gonna be parent of the year while you are in pain, and get some emotional support if at all possible.

Kids kept in the dark will almost always internalize problems and find ways to blame themselves. Try to head that off by frank (not blunt, but frank) discussions. There are lots of books to help with kids at various age. Read up. Nothing does as much for your own sadness as taking steps to get better. Knowledge and perspective are key to your well being and your kids'. Get yourself educated.

Check around for peer support groups. They can be lifesavers, I kid you not! Meeting/talking with people at different places in the process gives one hope that things will get better and may held avoid pitfalls and self defeating, repetitious behaviors as you face the task of letting go of what was and sorting out what you want what will be to be like. It may often seem like you have no power, no voice, no choice. This will eventually pass if you take steps to get perspective. Peer groups can offer a good way to gain that needed perspective. Others can be a light in the tunnel. Utilize community resources in this area.

Besides often feeling like they are to blame, kids will often feel freakish and ashamed. If they are young and don't realized how many kids have dealt with divorce, this is really tough.

It's hard to convey the kinds of numbers we are talking about to young kids. I hit upon a method that seemed to work. Went to a dry cleaners where I knew the people and asked if I could borrow their supply of safety pins for one night, would have them back first thing in the morning. They liked my plan and agreed.

First night of a new 9 week session, when all the participants were strangers and nervous, I had the task of putting the kids at ease, well, as much as possible. I talked about how weird I felt when my folks got divorced. Then I presented the current numbers of kids who were going to be affected by their parents divorce. The bigger kids gasped. The little ones, well, numbers that large have no meaning.

I had a BIG, plain, clear punch bowl and all those boxes of safety pens. Many gross of pins. I opened box after box, pouring the pins into the big bowl, explaining that each pin was a kid whose parents were going to be divorced. After the fourth, fifth, sixth big box of pins, the kids started to understand they were not freaks and there were lots of other kids feeling the same things they felt. It always got the sessions off to a good start. It normalized what was, for everyone on the first week, the feeling of being so very different from everyone else. If there were others, there was hope things would get less scary as time went by.

Honesty, perspective, as much calm and continuing to be a family (just in a re-arranged form) all help. Peer support is huge. And NEVER, EVER bad mouth the other parent or try to use the kids as a weapon to hurt the other.

Find some place/ some one your kids can talk to. Some adult who can be a grown up friend, but not emotionally embroiled in the divorce will be a great help for kids. They need someone they can ask all the questions they are afraid will hurt an already injured parent.

And don't kid yourself, they know when we are injured. They want us better and they know they can't fix things, but many will try anyway. Do not let them get into the habit of thinking your happiness is their job.

And here is a promise: Today is NOT what forever feels like.

I remember my dad, crying, when Mom left to file papers. Never knew dads could cry. Asked him what was wrong. He sobbed, "I am afraid I will lose you". I was nine and it scared me to death. Lose me? Was I to be hauled off? Was I being tossed out? Somebody explaining that I would still be the daughter and mom and dad would still be the parents, just not living together anymore would have been a huge help. And if I had known so many other kids had divorced parents, it would have helped too.

Be as honest as you can but do it with the child's perspective in mind. Let them know they are still yours and you still love them and will take care of them. Then, do just that.

Write down my promise to you and put it where you will see it often:
Today is NOT what forever feels like.

[NewWaveChick1981]

13. My parents separated when I was 14 and divorced when I was 16.

I have two younger siblings (one a year and a half younger, one three years younger), and Mom and Dad sat down with all three of us together to tell us. They wanted us to know that even though they no longer could live together, they loved us as much as ever. Yes, it was painful, but my siblings and I have always agreed that it was more painful with them together. We all knew at an early age that there was something wrong. I figured it out by the time I was 8 (Sis would have been 6 1/2 and my brother would have been 5 at the time), and my sister asked me a few months later if they were mad at us. I had to tell her that they were mad at each other and that as far as I could tell, they still loved us. They never talked about the issues in front of us, but I overheard them many times at night after they had put us to bed. I sat at the top of the stairs listening to their conversations while my siblings slept. Dad is an alcoholic, and my mother tried her best to deal with it, but ultimately that is what destroyed their marriage.

My parents handled it the best they knew how, and I do not fault them for it at all. I'd seen it coming for a long time, and the fact that they emphasized how much they still loved all of us was the best thing they could have done. I have to thank them for that.

:hug: :hug: :pals: for you. This has got to be an awful time for you. :hug:

[fight4my3sons]

14. I don't remember how my parents told me, I was 3

but like other said, I do remember how they treated each other and it wasn't nice. The constant fighting through me was horrible. It isn't fun to hear one parent always speak harshly about the other. As a child, you don't care who did what with whom. You just want to love your mom and dad. My mom took me illegally out of state. From NY to Texas. My dad came to get me for visitation and I was gone. He had to hire a PI to find me. It wasn't pretty. I'm 35 and I still can't talk about one while around the other. It is tiring. After this long you would think they would let it go.

I'm sorry you are having to go through this.
:hug:

[Karenina]

16. My ex took the boys on a Memorial Day picnic

and told them his new girlfriend (unbeknownst to me) would be their new mommy. My oldest clung to my leg for days before I finally got it out of him. WHAT is going on with you, babykins??? LET GO OF MY LEG!!!

"Daddy said we have to have a new mommy. I DON'T WANT a new mommy!!!"

I was quite calm and showed him my bikini scar. "This is where you came out and nothing can change that. Daddy and I are not getting along, we may not be able to continue to live together but THAT has NOTHING to do with YOU. I'm your mom and he's your dad. He's just behaving like a jerk at the moment. Don't be scared."

When dad came home KidUnit confronted him at the door. "You're my dad and I already have a mom. You're acting like a jerk!"

OF COURSE, the big discussion was about ME "calling him a jerk" in front of his son...

[Rosemary2205]

20. Sorry but your post made me LOL

I know EXACTLY what you are talking about. It used to make me mad - until the brick wall got high enough to block it out, now it cracks me up.

OF COURSE, the big discussion was about ME "calling him a jerk" in front of his son...

[Karenina]

23. No apology necessary! We been there, done that.

Actually, even at the time I thought it was a hoot although I was LIVID about the crap he dumped on our kid. I was so proud of him for standing up for himself and making HIS views known.

[margotb822]

18. I'm sorry for you situation

I think that it's important to stress to your children that it has nothing to do with them. My mom always told me that it was better for me to see my parents in happy, healthy relationships with other people than for me to see them miserable with each other. Your children will see when they are older, just as I have.

I feel that I am better off in my ability to be in a healthy relationship because they divorced. I was young (8) when they did, but I remember all the fighting and being sad a lot before they divorced, but they are both happy now.

You can't take care of someone well if you don't take care of yourself.

Best of luck!

[Beausoir]

19. Thank you all very much for your thoughts. It means alot to me and I value your experiences.

[Firespirit]

21. I think it depends on the circumstances

If things were very rough, lots of fighting that the kids witnessed, they might take the news as a blessing. I certainly would have, but never had that opportunity. I grew up in a household where constant emotional abuse was a regular event, and I asked them as a teenager why they were married at all. The response I got is one I'll never forget... I was told I was "anti-family" by my own parents. In the years following, I moved 1500 miles away. My sisters plan to make similar moves when they can, and now my mother mopes because we've all "run away from her." Kids know when things are bad, and telling them that the fighting will stop could be taken well by them.

On the other hand, if it was a more friendly, "this wasn't meant to be" decision, it'll be a blow to them. :( I don't know what to say for a case like that... perhaps they stopped being best friends with someone, but ended the friendship by drifting apart. That might be something to compare it to if they don't understand.

I hope it works out well.

[REP]

22. Parents divorced; didn't need to tell me

In fact, I had suggested that they do so a time or so. Parents thought they had 'kept it from us' but really, if you're all living in the same house, they know already.

Condolences or congratulations, whichever is appropriate.

[TheCentepedeShoes]

24. Mom: "If (insert first name here) comes

home tell him I'm at the courthouse divorcing him."
Me: "Whatever."
I was eleven at the time.
Mom never referred to my dad as "your father" or "your dad," just by his first name, like he was my brother-in-law or something. Always referred to his parents as "Mr and Mrs X." Never used their first names.
I asked her once why she didn't call them "Ward and June." She said it wouldn't be polite. Methinks she was never invited.