Moms & Daughters & Body Image

[redqueen]

OK so this post just reminded me of this episode of Tyra I watched (shut up, I was trying to watch the John Edwards interview... which I didn't get to see... goddamnit...)

ANYWAY...

So the subject was how mothers' body image issues were carried over to their daughters... this episode was wrenching... I mean I had thought about it before, and I try to check myself before I say bad things about my body in front of my girls... but now I'm going to be SUPER DUPER aware of what I say about myself around my kids. (My hippie dippie sis in SD says I shouldn't even say bad things to myself about myself but I don't know how realistic of a goal that is...)

But ANYWAY...

So I just thought I'd toss this out there to see if anyone else saw it or if anyone else has thought about this very (can't think of the right word... sneaky? unconscious? I dunno) way that women pass buying into the culture of (surface-level) 'beauty' to their kids.

So... yeah.


Comments?



edit to add: Miss Mille just reminded me, I was kinda upset that the Tyra show had limited it to moms... cause I'm sure that that's a big part of the problem in society with women & eating disorders & body image issues & such... but as for me it was my dad who constantly told us we were fat and would never be loveable and all that kinda crap...

[Shakespeare]

1. My mom once threatened never to go out in public with me again 'cause I refused to put on lipstick.

Yes, she is given to hyperbole, and yes, I just about died laughing when she said that.

But I love her anyway.

[redqueen]

4. Hehehehe...

well that's just silly. :)

[Shakespeare]

5. She's southern. It's the never leave the house without makeup on thing.

And yeah, it's pretty silly.

On the other hand, however, the meticulous grooming/always look your best thing is something I'm glad she passed along (even if I do go to Trader Joe's with no makeup on sometimes :7 ).

[MissMillie]

2. I didn't have any girls, just the one boy

I don't remember my mother ever saying anything about her body to me. She was overweight, but she wasn't hung up on that.

I was overweight.

True story: all through high school I got told that Seniors got preference on the roles in the school musical so whenever I auditioned, and was told how good I was, I knew that I wouldn't get the part I wanted because I wasn't a senior.

The year I was a senior, one of the directors wrote me a letter and told me I couldn't have the part I wanted because I was too fat. She praised my voice and talent all over the place but said she couldn't get past the view of someone my size playing this particular role--Ado Annie in Oklahoma! She couldn't imagine one of the male leads pretending to fall for a big girl. She said it was too hard of a sell. She wanted me to play Aunt Eller... the old lady.

My mother called her on the phone and let her know that people w/ a few extra pounds do indeed find love.

hooray for mom!

[redqueen]

3. Love your mom!

I shouldn't have limited it to moms, really... the show was about moms, but my mom was like yours!

My DAD, though... HE gave me plenty of body image issues. :P

[skater314159]

12. Your mom rocks! n/t

[Sugar Smack]

6. Back when I knew my mother,

she'd sort of force-feed & bully people into eating what she made. It wasn't "mother-mode" either because she never ate it. She said things like "Isn't it good?" and "Don't you like my cooking?"

She currently has a 300-lb husband who she feeds (he is very clearly weak for some things), butter & cheese & all that good stuff. She's never been very good at caring for people, and it's no wonder my dad got custody.

[redqueen]

7. Yikes...

I was a rebellious kid... I'd have told her exactly what I thought. :7

[Sugar Smack]

8. Yeah *grin*

I was like six or so, and so, so very soft. I didn't hit "rebellion hellion" til I was about 17 or so.

[skater314159]

13. Sorry to hear that...

... it sounds like she has some issues herself tied to love and caring. Some people are like that - they can only "love" or show affection through controlling others or "doing" for them.

I always feel for people when I hear that... and I know its not easy for you. It sounds like you have broken the chain though and are good at caring for yourself and others! Yay!

:loveya:

skater314159

[Sugar Smack]

20. Hey, Skater!!!

:hi: :hug: I have been loving your posts ever since you got here.

She's a pretty disgusting person, to this day, I think. I went through about ten years of "acting out" and at least got the emotional part of all that out of my system. Thank you!

[IndianaJones]

9. I make my daughters walk on the treadmill an hour a day...each. nt.

[redqueen]

10. Not me... I tell mine they can just get the fat sucked out later.

;)

[mitchum]

27. I tell mine that both coke and heroin are great weight loss aids

[skater314159]

11. My experience...

I was raised by my single dad until my step-mom began living with us in forth grade... and that was the first time I heard negative things about people was from her - men, women, Jews, Chrisitans, Buddhists, black, brown, and white she hated EVERYONE. She would say really mean things about "fat" people when we were in public, and real loud too so they could hear, and it always made me feel ashamed of her, and sad/sorry for the people she was making fun of. Now I know she hated her own self and that was a reflection of her self-image.

I know *now* she was a Schizophrenic Alcoholic, but I didn't know that *then*... and it really fucked with me because my dad was a total hippie. Finally, after like two or three years of hearing her hate-filled verbal garbage - like in fifth or sixth grade, I figured out that my dad was right, she was a bitch and was TOTALLY wrong. I think that really helped out my mental, emotional, and spiritual well-being in the long run. I am thankful I had my dad and extended family to comfort and encourage me - without that I woulda totally integrated her hate-think into my mind and life!

I still have some of those "tapes" in my head though, and they still sometimes play... and I used to sometimes wonder if she was "right" about me, even though I KNEW she was wrong about everybody else. I've been working on getting rid of them though - and I began working *really hard* at it last January as part of my exercise to be a better chaplain - and I can say now I am free of them. It wasn't easy, but it SURE IS WORTH IT!!!

I feel really sorry for people who had to listen to stuff like that all the time without a positive influence like my dad and family was for me... It makes me think of something I yelled at my step-mom one time when she was making fun of me: "Yeah, sticks and stones break my bones, but your words kill my soul!" She hit me for saying it, but I am still glad I said it.

RedQueen, I love your posts here, and I hope you listen to your hippie sis - she's TOTALLY RIGHT YA KNOW!!! :P

[redqueen]

17. Aw... thanks...

and I do try to listen to her... like you said... it's not easy, erasing those tapes. :)

[Sugar Smack]

23. You. Are. Amazing.

:loveya: :yourock: There just aren't any words. The world doesn't have enough recognition for good dads, I think. I consider my own dad to be "one of the last gentlemen".

[Maine-ah]

14. ok, here's a story that I still feel really guilty about even today

when I was about 12, my Dad, Mom, my best friend and I were going to the beach. We were waiting for my Mom to get in the car, and she came out in her bathing suit. I laughed. Now, I wasn't laughing at her, but that her bathing suit was so out of date. To this day, my Mom will not get in a suit nor will she go swimming. I'm now almost 34, have a bad body image myself and hope to not pass it along to my daughter. But, I still feel really bad about that day.

[skater314159]

16. Have you...

...told her how you feel? (I assume she is still around to tell? I hope that isn't presumption on my part) Sometimes telling someone something like that - especially after all these years tells them how important it was to you, and how ashamed you are of yourself. Then you can heal together.

Another thing that might help you get past the guilt and forgive yourself, is that you might want to try some kind of guided meditation or imagination exercise... because it sounds like carrying this around is hurting you inside.

It might also help you to feel better about yourself, because it might help you feel less guilty over more than just this incident, but also for all the "should"s you have inside. I have used meditation and imagination exercises to help me deal with past guilt, and it really helps. At first I was like "pfffft, that's some total hippie BS like my Dad would use, how will it help me?" but when I actually DID it, it really helped!

Hope that helps, and I'm not trying to be intrusive, just trying to be supportive! :hug: :loveya:

Peace!
skater314159

[Maine-ah]

25. I have told her, I told her even then when it happend

but she (I think) is still very hurt by what happened too.

I have tried meditation and imagination exercise for other things, (they tried to get us to do it in birthing class, too) and it just doesn't seem to work for me. I dunno, maybe it wasn't the right time in my life to try it. I shall give it another shot.

[skater314159]

28. Hope it works for you!

And I will send you some loving vibes!

:loveya:

[redqueen]

19. Aw, no, sweetie!

Moms know that their kids do that stuff unconsciously...

Here's my story:

I put a swimsuit back on, after years of refusing to, and my daughters commented on my stretchmarks. "Will they go away?" "No, honey, they're gonna stay there." "Aww" (accompanied by sad faces)

:)

[davsand]

24. Stretchmarks are a great guilt producer.

"I have those because of YOU." Works wonders for guilt. I also found that the old, "because of YOU I wet my pants every time I sneeze" thing is another great guilt line...

Guilt induction is a perk of motherhood, I think.


:)


Laura



I am joking--you all DO realize that right? Oh lord--I honestly hope you all know I'm joking. I TELL my kid i live to torment her, but I honestly am not that evil...

[redqueen]

26. Hahaha... yeah... I know you're joking...

and I don't really tell my kids they can just get the fat sucked out later. :P

But on that show... the Tyra show... there really WAS a mom like that... told her kid that she ruined her body, that she shouldn't have had her... oh it was AWFUL.

[Maine-ah]

29. oh, no. She really doesn't get in a swimsuit because of that incident

As for strech marks, they are my battle wounds, and I'm freakin' proud of 'em!




now....

If I could only drop 20 pounds or so......

[redqueen]

31. Heh... I don't mind mine anymore...

I don't even mind being chubby! :P

[MorningGlow]

15. My mom was okay, but the moms I witness at preschool...ugh...

I was fat between the ages of 7 and 12, and my mom tried everything to help me lose weight (that was back in the day when hardly anybody was fat, and the kids at school gave me a really hard time), but she was really low key about it--no bullying or saying I was ugly--the kids at school did enough of that to harm me for life. (For the record, it turned out to be a thyroid problem, which explains why NOTHING we did got me to lose more than two or three pounds, but I never found that out till my hypo kicked in again when I was in my 30s.)

Anyway, now that I have a kid of my own, I'm privileged to witness a parade of parenting at preschool--from the very good to the very bad. There are only four girls in my son's class, and two of them are being raised by Barbie doll mommies--two inches of makeup, lowcut shirts and tight jeans, blown-out hair--all just to take the kid to school--and no sign of a working brain in either of them. :wtf: And sure enough, those little girls are exactly the same way already. One of them was wearing makeup to school yesterday. Luckily it's balanced out by the other two girls, who are smart and down to earth, just like their mommies--and they dress like little girls, not miniature teenagers.

So I figure we've got a 50/50 thing going--not a great percentage, but not to despair over, either. :shrug:

[redqueen]

21. Glad it's better than it could be!

I don't get the barbie moms at all... tons of those around here.

[Arugula Latte]

43. I am a non-girly girl and my daughter is more girly.

When she was in preschool she'd sometimes go to school in whatever make-up she found lying around (usually the stuff my mom -- who is heavily into make-up -- had given to me ... and that I never wore.) I didn't forbid it because I didn't want to make a big issue out of it. I figured it was a form of playing dress-up.

[davsand]

18. I got paranoid about it a few years ago.

My pre-schooler asked if I thought she needed to go on a diet. When i asked her where that came from she said she had heard her teachers at pre-school talking about the diets they were on. Wow. Talk about a wake up call!

I am a round woman. Always have been in varying states of round--kind of goes with the who I am, I guess. Even when I weighed in at 110 pounds dripping wet, I still had big boobs and that was just how it goes for me. I just can't DO the Kate Moss thing--it ain't happening.

I will admit that I did get pretty round for a few years and I finally decided to take it off. Dieting is just not anything I have ever really had much interest in, so I did the research on it all and started a weight loss plan that I thought would be healthy and work for me. The entire time, I was talking to my daughter (she was about 8 or 9 by then) and I was talking to her about health, and weight and smart food choices. With a family history of heart disease it is pretty important stuff-ya know?

Now, my kid will make better food choices and she understand WHY it is important. She understands what sugars do to us and she understands why some stuff tastes good but is a TREAT rather than a regular thing. I weigh a lot less and she goes with us (her Dad and I both go to the gym together) and she SEES that we are placing an emphasis on healthy rather than on "diet."

I hope to hell I don't pass a bunch of foolishness on to her. It is my goal that she grows up as a healthy individual rather than one obsessed with what size she wears or what the latest fad diet is.

YMMV.


Laura

[redqueen]

22. "placing an emphasis on healthy"

Thank you!

That's so important... when I talk about the food I eat or my physical activity now... it's about HEALTH, not me being "fat".

:thumbsup:

[underpants]

30. ?

Do people with body image problems really need to be watching Tyra's show?

:wow:

Just asking

[redqueen]

32. She's not a supermodel anymore...

she's got thighs and hips and an ASS, even!

:wow:

:D

[IndianaJones]

33. she's fine. nt.

[redqueen]

36. Hell to the yes

she's fucking gorgeous.

[IndianaJones]

38. did you see the one where she recreated the SI swimsuit cover?

still had it goin' on.

[redqueen]

39. No.

:(

[IndianaJones]

40. forget I admitted seeing that. nt

[underpants]

34. YES SHE DOES!!!

Boom
POW
BLAM!

[redqueen]

35. I haven't seen much of her show...

but she was dressed pretty conservatively for this one.

I kinda wish she'd show it off a little more. :D

[AlCzervik]

37. my mom used to give me shit all the time about my weight, the usual--

"Oh you have such pretty face, if only...." and my Dad was no prize on that matter either. Anyhow i have a daughter who is at the age---13 and i never, ever say negative things about my body or hers and i never compare her to anyone, i think thats one of the ways where my parents went wrong, "If you only ate the way your sister did, look how skinny she is" and i have to tell you that just pissed me off and made me resent them even more and to be honest made me resent my sister as well so at my house no way does that happen.

I think being an overweight kid in some ways may have helped me, looking back i don't think i'd change it if i could. And yes kids are like sponges, they pick up on everything.

[redqueen]

41. I'd sure as hell change my childhood...

but yeah, some good does come with the bad, it must be said.

[AlCzervik]

42. i would change my childhood just not the being overweight part.

so much i would change but i don't have enough time to list everything.

[SarahB]

44. Athletics are great for this stuff.

I got my daughter involved in sports from a very young age- initially gymnastics at 2, but played baseball, soccer, basketball (still plays) and volleyball (still plays). She went through a "chubby stage" that she grew out of, but ultimately her love for her body stems from an appreciation for what it can do rather than what other people think. She's physically fit and quite a beautiful young woman (she's 16 in two weeks), but has a confidence I don't think she'd otherwise have if not for sports. I struggle more, but I never had that. Still though, I try to stress health, rather than any surface crap.

[u4ic]

45. Same here...it was my father who was the problem

Can you believe that, not long after she died and he was asked about his first memories of her (they met when they were in elementary school) was that she was fat? (she wasn't, btw)

He is a small man, and had to make himself bigger in any way he could, which included running any of us down that had my mother's genes (ie a larger frame. I'm a fairly big boned gal)

I'm much better now, though I still have my struggles; but I have sisters who constantly struggle with the body image thing.

I don't judge anyone's worth by the way they look. Then again, I find society's 'beautiful people' rather boring, and love to look at faces with character, asymmetries and lines. The other 99% of people. My concept of beauty is quite different.

[Nevernose]

46. Myabe that's just maturity speaking? Or the Velveteen Rabbit?

You get to the point in life where you think, "I don't care what she looks like, I don't care how fat she is. I just want someone with whom I can have a nice conversation with; someone who doesn't always have to agree with me but almost always can see where I'm coming from."

My all-time favorite book quote:

"What is REAL?" asked the Rabbit one day, when they were lying side by side near the nursery fender, before Nana came to tidy the room. "Does it mean having things that buzz inside you and a stick-out handle?"

"Real isn't how you are made," said the Skin Horse. "It's a thing that happens to you. When a child loves you for a long, long time, not just to play with, but REALLY loves you, then you become Real."

"Does it hurt?" asked the Rabbit.

"Sometimes," said the Skin Horse, for he was always truthful. "But when you are Real you don't mind being hurt."

"Does it happen all at once, like being wound up," he asked, "or bit by bit?"

"It doesn't happen all at once," said the Skin Horse. "You become. It takes a long time. That's why it doesn't happen often to people who break easily, or have sharp edges, or who have to be carefully kept. Generally, by the time you are Real, most of your hair has been loved off, and your eyes drop out and you get loose in the joints and very shabby. But these things don't matter at all, because once you are Real you can't be ugly, except to people who don't understand."