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I picked up a gingerbread house kit at the craft store thinking this would be a fun family activity for us. So last night I flip the TV off, and bust out the kit.
Turns out it isn't a simple little evening project like I had suspected. I began pulling the materials out of the box..the thick geometric slabs of gingerbread, the bags of cinnamon discs,sprinkles, gumdrops, spearmint leaves and other various candied drageés and decos...bag after bag after bag after BAG of icing mix...decorators tips, small cones, and wires, a blowtorch (ok not really), and an assembly manual that resembles the telephone directory for lower Manhattan.
As I begin reading the instruction I find that I'm horribly underqualified to build this...I have no permits, no architectural degree, no hardhats...The process of erecting the sides and the roof requires FOUR HOURS (set up the sides, allow to dry for an hour, set up the roof, allow to dry for three hours!)
It was painfully clear that our quality family time would have to wait until the next night...soI shuffled my disapponted children off to bed amidst promises to "never Fear! Mommy will get the sides and the roof set up tomorrow! It'll be done by the time you get home from school!We'll decorate it tomorrow! You'll see!"
SO dutifully I shuffle the children off to school this morning and turn once again to the gingerbread house. I grab the first packet of icing mix and empty the contents into the mixing bowl. "Just add water" the instructions say...simple enough. I have water. So I add in the amounts and set the mixer to low just as instructed. As I lower the beaters into the mix I can hear the motor straining..this stuff is like mixing cement...and withing a minute, I smell something hot and the beaters quit.My mixer has burned up! I grab a wooden spoon and now have no choice but to do it "the old fashioned way". I begin turning the gluey substance over with the wooden spoon and my biceps begin straining with the effort. I do manage to get the stuff mixed into something that resembles a cross between toothpaste and floor grout before my arm goes numb. I wrestle the stuff into a pastry bag so that I can pipe it onto the gingerbread walls. I managed to get the front piece and one of the side walls up and as I reach for the third piece the side wall gives away and falls to the floor where it shatters into ..well into crumbs. Large crumbs..but crumbs nonetheless.
Ever the resourceful one, I decide to cut a piece of cardboard to replace the shattered side...after all...cardboard LOOKS kind of gingerbready, and really, once all the frosting and candies are in place, no one will know the difference...right?
So I start again, with my cardboard wall, and the three remaining side pieces and things seem to be going smoother this time. I manage to erect all the outside pieces (the two sides, and the two peaks) and I'm thinking "Hey! This isn't so bad! I started off a little rough, but I think it's going to be okay" How silly of me. I walked about five paces away from the structure and stopped in my tracks when I heard a distinct "thwump". That was the sound it made too..."thwump". The front piece fell and the peak broke off, and fell to the floor where it was quickly consumed by the dog. I gritted my teeth and cut another piece of cardboard to patch in the peak. That means that barring anymore breakage, my gingerbread house will be about 45% cardboard. As I try to hold the front piece and the cardboard patch, I discover that the icing has now solidified inside the pastry tube. The stuff in the bowl, too, is solid. The stuff is like plaster and I'm pretty sure I'm NEVER going to be able
So..I mix another batch of icing (new bowl)..and fill a new pastry bag, and once again, set up the sides...but THIS time, I grab some yarn and wrap it around the entire structure to keep it from falling again, pretty smart, no?
No...pretty stupid...After allowing it to set the hour called for in the instructions, I went back to pull the yarn off and it turns out the icing had dried around the yarn, sticking it permanently into the structure. I tried cutting it away and then pulling out the bits of yarn, and it ended up pulling A FRICKING SIDE OFF AGAIN!
So, I really want to know who the sadistic bastard is that's marketing these kits? Honestly...they could easily replace waterboarding with this.
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