My brother has committed suicide and I'm devastated.

[monarch]

Any suggestions for trying to cope? I sure wish that I believed in God right now.

[Midlodemocrat]

1. Oh, no. I'm so sorry.

Do you know what prompted it?

You will cope the best you can because you will have to. Do you have other siblings? Parents?

I'm so very sorry for your loss. :hug:

[monarch]

23. He had been depressed for a long time and I think that the sudden

death of our mother (aged 86 and in excellent health) last month freed him to take action. There were six of us and we all have been supporting each other. I am the oldest and Billy was next. He leaves 3 very much loved children and 4 grandchildren. His wife died 10 years ago.

I do have a therapist and I will have her look into a support group.

Thanks all!

[liberaldemocrat7]

40. I'm very sorry to see this. rest in peace and strength and condolences to you

and your family.

[BlueIris]

59. Please accept my condolences. That is awful. nt

[Left Is Write]

2. I'm very sorry.

What a horrible loss. :hug:

[Bunny]

3. Oh, I'm so sorry.

:hug:

[SeattleGirl]

4. monarch, I'm so very sorry to hear this.

I believe there are support groups for people who have lost a loved one by suicide. You might want to check them out, as they would understand better than anyone what you are going through.

My heartfelt condolences to you and your family. :grouphug:

[Blue Diadem]

5. Oh monarch, I'm so sorry.

:hug:

[CaliforniaPeggy]

6. My dear monarch...

Oh, please allow me to offer you my deepest condolences...

My brother-in-law committed suicide several years ago, and me and my husband were devastated...

It came as a complete surprise...

How to cope?

Well...

Just be patient with yourself...This is a huge shock, and time is the best healer.

We concentrated on remembering the good times we'd had with him...

And we knew that the pain he'd been in was over...

For myself, I finally had to stop thinking about him; it was just too painful...

And after several months, I found that I could revisit my memories without pain...

A bereavement group might be very helpful...

I am so very sorry...

:hug:

[Haole Girl]

7. I'm so sorry

I know suicide... intimately. Please feel free to PM me if you ever want to.

How to cope? That is a very involved answer. Do what works for you. For me, it was counseling, music, and long walks on the beach.

I went through a period of my life when I was angry with everyone and everything-- including God.

There are no easy answers. I'm so sorry.

:hug:

[Starbucks Anarchist]

8. I'm so sorry for your loss, monarch.

:hug: :hug: :hug:

[LeftyFingerPop]

9. Hello monarch

my heart reaches out to you for your loss...I'm very very sorry. :hug: :hug: :hug:

I have been through this with the suicide of a close friend. You need to realize that there often is nothing you can permanently do for a person who is intent on committing suicide.

When somebody reaches that point, they have gone so far within their pain and suffering that there is often very little that can be done to help them.

Remember your brother for what he brought to this world...the good things. Do not fight your grief...embrace it and remember him lovingly. It is not important really how a person passes on. What is important is the fact that they have indeed passed on, and you need to have a grieving process.

My very best wishes to you and your family.

[seemunkee]

10. I'm so sorry

Whatever demons that tormented him are gone. He's finally found his peace.

[MrScorpio]

11. My Goodness, I've so sorry

That's so horrible

[Gormy Cuss]

12. Find a grief counselor or a grief therapy group.

I'm not a big touchy-feely type but I know people who were helped tremendously after they had lost a loved one through suicide or other sudden deaths. It may not help you IMHO it's worth it to give it a try.

I'm sorry for the loss of your brother.

[Bullwinkle925]

13. I can only imagine the devastation that you are feeling . . .

my thoughts are with you and i certainly hope and wish that your heart can heal through all of this.

:hug:

[greatauntoftriplets]

14. My deepest condolences to you and your family.

Such great sadness for all of you.

[Connonym]

15. I am so very, very sorry

this must be very difficult for you :hug: My first suggestion is that you try to not feel guilty. Other than that, I have nothing to offer but my most sincere condolences. I understand how you feel about God. I sometimes think it would be a great comfort myself. Again, I am so, so sorry.

[RFKHumphreyObama]

16. I'm so, so very sorry to hear this

My deepest, sincerest and most profound thoughts, prayers, condolences and sympathies are extended to you and your family:hug: :hug: :hug: :hug: :hug:

[LanternWaste]

17. When my father died, the most dramatic emotion I felt was...

When my father died, the most dramatic emotion I felt was guilt-- guilt at not feeling worse about it. After a few years of introspection on the matter, I realized that the reason I did not feel remorse, sadness or longing was that I simply did not love the man. I did not love him, respect him, or even like him.

So, if nothing else, bear this in mind-- the more grief you feel, the greater is your love of him. And I'll bet you five dollars that he knew of your love-- for though we never say it enough, our actions and attitudes *do* get the point across...

I'm sorry this happened. My condolences and thoughts are with you. :hug:

[grace0418]

18. I'm so sorry monarch.

I don't have any advice, just my thoughts and :hug:. :(

[Giant Robot]

19. I'm so sorry for your loss

How do you cope?
As I was told once, well you cry and you laugh.

Try not to spend too much energy trying to understand why he did this. Focus on yourself and your family and how you want to deal with your hurt, anger, loss, and devastated. And hopefully your memories of him will help you through these hard times ahead.

Some areas have bereavement groups for people who have lost a loved one to suicide. I encourage you to look into that.

Wishing you peace and love during these hard times.

[Swede]

20. Sad news,monarch.

Best wishes for you and your family.

[Bjornsdotter]

21. I am so very sorry

...we are always here for you.

:hug:

[Zoigal]

22. My sincere condolences to you

and your family. Support groups and time may help.

[Maraya1969]

24. Oh Monarch

:hug: :grouphug:

I went to a grief support group once and it was very helpful. I bet there are support groups for family and friends of suicide.

Emotions run the gambit and you don't need to feel bad about any one of them.

Even if you don't believe in God can you believe that everything has its time and purpose? Sort of like we're all on a train and we are all heading toward death and everyone gets off at different stops and your brother just got off at an earlier stop. And for him it was the right stop.

[monarch]

29. Nice thought. Thanks!

[ronnykmarshall]

25. I am so so sorry.

:hug:

[DeposeTheBoyKing]

26. I'm terribly sorry

Even though he had been depressed, I'm sure you are still extremely shocked. I hope you have a good support group around you. Take care. I don't know what else to say except how sorry I am. :hug: :grouphug:

[flamingyouth]

27. I am so sorry for your loss.

It is so hard to try to understand this, and believe me, even people who do believe in God often question their faith during times like this.

I don't know if you like support groups, but Survivors of Suicide is great. They are also online if you're not into in-person groups (I'm not really, myself). Also, your local Crisis Clinic or center can refer to you to other grief-support groups.

I found Judy Collins' book "Sanity and Grace," about the suicide of her son, to be a great comfort to me. It's the only book I immediately re-read after I finished it the first time.

Finally, I hope that you and your family can heal. I will be holding you in my heart right now. I am so very sorry. :hug:

[monarch]

37. Thanks very much.

I'll look into both.

[Shine]

28. Oh, my heart aches for you, monarch.

My deepest sympathies to you. I would suggest getting yourself into a counselor who can help you sort through your feelings of grief and despair.

Be gentle with yourself. I am sending you LIGHT.....:hug:

[City of Mills]

30. I'm very sorry

My best childhood friend unfortunately ended his life at 29. He was like the older brother I never had. Only time will heal, and it will take some time. Reach out whenever you feel alone, you need a lot of support through this unbelievable time. :hug:

[Hugin]

31. There are no words at a time like this...

Really.

I'm sorry for your loss.

[Patiod]

32. Whether you believe in God or not

When a college friend killed herself, her family was devastated, saying that they should have done more to prevent what happened.

At the funeral, the rabbi admonished them about beating themselves up, saying that "only God can know what goes on in someone else's heart", that they weren't God, and couldn't possibly know what she was thinking and how to stop her from what she was going to do.

Whether you're a believer or not, the rabbi was had a good point - none of us can know what is going on in someone else's heart.

So sorry for your loss and the pain you're feeling now.

[noonwitch]

33. I'm sorry for your loss. Talk to someone.

If you feel depressed beyond what you think something this awful should make you feel, talk to someone professional.

Donate some money to either your local suicide prevention program or to one of your brother's favorite charity.

[begin_within]

34. Sorry to hear it.

Time will make it easier for you.

[styersc]

35. Love and prayers your way.

Peace and comfort to all of your family.

[Critters2]

36. I'm so sorry, Monarch

I often refer people to support groups at times like this. Look for a suicide-related support group, but if you don't find one, look for Emotions Anonymous or another more general one. Hospitals are good resources and often host meetings themselves.

Be aware of your own emotions, and if you find yourself feeling too depressed or overwhelmed, see a professional. Or at least your physician for meds or a referral.

And don't assume that a religious congregation can't be helpful even if you don't believe in God. Unitarian Universalist churches don't require or assume a belief in God. Neither do many Quakre meetings (though this varies--look for "silent" or "unprogrammed" meetings as most welcoming to Atheists and Agnotics), or Buddhists groups. Religious communities can be great support at difficult times. This is probably what we do best.

And, if you don't mind, I'll add you to my prayers. I'm so terribly sorry this has happened.

[racaulk]

38. Oh monarch, I am so sorry to hear this.

I don't have any suggestions to offer other than what has been said upthread, I just wanted to offer my deepest condolences. Nothing but love and best wishes to you and your loved ones, I hope you are all able to pull through this OK. Keep your chin up.

:hug:

[MissMillie]

39. oh my gosh... I'm so sorry

:hug:

I don't have any suggestions, and I think if I were to try to come up with some words of wisdom about this I would wind up sounding as though I were talking out of my ass.

I'm sure there is nothing I can say to make you feel better.

I'm sorry. I'm sorry for you and your whole family.

Hang on tight to each other.

And don't be afraid to ask for help from loved ones or professionals if you think you need it.

:hug:

[xchrom]

41. i have no answers or suggestion -- just my heart felt condolences

and my hope that Peace will come to you and your family.

[Commie Pinko Dirtbag]

42. Don't. If you believed in God, you'd believe he's suffering in Hell for the sin of suicide.

When, in fact, he isn't. It's better this way.

[femmocrat]

56. Not necessarily...

please see my post below. It depends on the denomination, of course, but I found the church to be far less judgmental and more forgiving than I expected.

[EFerrari]

43. I'm so sorry.

:hug:

[billyoc]

44. I'm sorry for your loss, monarch.

I don't mean to intrude, but I peeked at your profile.

National Association of Social Workers - Connecticut Chapter

Desiree Floyd – 860-257-8066
Contact her Monday-Friday, 9-5pm


The Connecticut Psychological Association

Kathy Hucks – 860-586-7522
Contact her Monday-Friday, 9-5pm

Dr. Candice Weigle-Spier – 860-347-0718 (pager)
Page her between 5pm and 9am on weekdays and throughout the weekend

[Debi]

45. No suggestions

Just a :hug:

I'm sorry for your loss

[Mad_Dem_X]

46. My deepest condolences

:hug: :cry:

[UrbScotty]

47. Share your feelings with people - be it friends, relatives, or even DU.

Visit DU's Bereavement Group for support: http://www.democraticunderground.com/discuss/duboard.php?az=show_topics&forum=323

Other than that, I don't know what to say. Will a hug help?

:hug:

[monarch]

61. Thanks

I didn't know we had a bereavement group.

[Poll_Blind]

48. I'm terribly sorry for your loss, Monarch. The best advice I can offer...

...you is A) to grieve in your own way but seek out your support structure (family, friends, children, anyone) to share the loss and B) as frequently as possible let everyone that you do love know that you love them. Suicide, murder, accidents- these things take our loved ones away from us and the worst feeling is not feeling that you told someone you loved them enough when they were alive.

  But the most important thing...is reach out. Reach out and hands will grasp yours and help steady you.

  I am so sorry, again. This world can be terrible sometimes.

PB

[Flaxbee]

49. I'm so very sorry, monarch

I hope you and your family/your brother's family and friends can find some helpful ways to cope, to get through this. :hug:

[Katina]

50. I am so sorry

I wish I had the right words to say.

[Bossy Monkey]

51. Talk to anyone and everyone, including professional counselors, and give yourself a break

I'm sorry to say that it isn't going to get better soon. When one of my best friends jumped off the Golden Gate Bridge, it took ages for me to get over it, and that wasn't my brother. I wish on retrospect that I had taken advantage of counseling services, because I didn't do such a hot job with coping on my own. I hope that you come to peace sooner. In the mean time, please accept my every condolence.

[u4ic]

52. I am so terribly sorry, monarch

What you must be going through right now...:( :cry:


:hug: :pals: :grouphug: :hug: :pals: :grouphug: :hug: :pals: :grouphug: :hug: :pals: :grouphug: :hug: :pals: :grouphug:

[MsKandice01]

53. Oh my goodness...I'm so sorry...

:hug:

[femmocrat]

54. I'm so sorry, monarch.

We had a suicide in the family several years ago. I was so distraught over it. I'm not at all religious, but I talked to the person's parish priest at the funeral. It helped. I hope you find some peace, too.

:hug:

[enigmatic]

55. ..

:hug:

[Lydia Leftcoast]

57. Oh, monarch, that has to be one of the hardest things...

:hug:

Remember that it's not your fault or anyone else's fault, and find a support group. There are grief support groups and support groups for people whose loved ones have committed suicide. Take care of yourself.

[Guava Jelly]

58. I wish i knew what to say

I'm sorry..

[fizzgig]

60. i don't have any advice that hasn't already been given

but you and your family have my deepest condolences

[BarenakedLady]

62. I'm so very very sorry.

:hug:

[GreenPartyVoter]

63. I am so very sorry. *hugs* Just keep going minute by minute. That's about all I can suggest.

*another big hug*

[Prisoner_Number_Six]

64. I lost my big brother due to natural causes 20 years ago.

It was just as rough.

Remember that YOU are still alive, and what he did is not your fault. Honor his memory and hold on to your love for him, and keep the good times alive inside you. The pain will fade, and you'll be able to smile again as you think of him- one day, but simply not today.

He made a decision for himself. Now you have to make one for yourself.

[graywarrior]

65. Just don't feel guilty, and get pissed at him if you have to.

Other than that, talk about it to a professional.

:hug:

[NC_Nurse]

66. My husband's uncle did that this week too.

So sad. You have my sympathy. :hug:

[Wapsie B]

67. I am so sorry.

My deepest sympathies to you and your family.

[ulysses]

68. oh jesus.

I'm really sorry, monarch. Wish I could offer more.

[The Straight Story]

69. My neighbor hung himself some months back

And I tied myself in knots trying to understand it.

I tried to kill myself as well, many years ago. Mainly due to stress and seeing myself as the problem to my family. Remove myself, and everyone else I loved would be ok.

I don't know what your brother was going through or how he felt - I do know that people, like myself, who try to kill themselves feel guilty or bad about something, and lack acceptance (at least those I have known, I could be wrong in this case and others of course).

Your brother was, most likely, under a lot of stress and maybe under some influence (though I was not when I tried to kill myself, as far as alcohol - I was however on meds for my back injury and that is what led me down that path).

I think most people in this situation are good folk who are messed up by either a life situation or meds they are on. He was not being rational, but was - in a weird sense of things - being logical.

The natural sense we have is to protect ourselves, those who take their own lives want either to teach people a lesson or to save those around them from the pain. I have been in both scenarios in my life, and it is not pretty.

How to cope? I really cannot say - I have been coping with a lot of crappy things over the years and my only advice is: You cannot change what has occurred, only what will come of it.

Your cannot blame yourself as that will not help. You can however, find the reasons why and work to change that for others.

I learned, like with my mom and many others, that death is a part of life - and for some it comes way too soon. You now are living and have to deal with the aftermath of it all, and that is not always easy and not always clear.

I cannot imagine the pain you feel, or any other family member involved. I can relate via experience (My grandma, et al), but I cannot in any way know what you are going through.

The best I can do tonight my friend is tell you I am sorry that you are going through this, I am sorry for the pain you feel, and that I hope you are OK through it all.

[LaraMN]

70. Oh, man. I'm so sorry.

I've no tangible advice on coping- just lots of good vibes and hugs. Suicide is a rotten thing to deal with.

:hug: :hug: :hug:

[rockymountaindem]

71. My condolences

I'm sorry I can't think of any way to help. Peace be with you :hug:

[VenusRising]

72. I'm so sorry for your loss.

:hug:

I hope that time eases the pain for you and your family.

Sending love and good vibes.

:loveya::hug:

[rubberducky]

73. I feel so sad for you.

((((((( hugs)))))).

[WinkyDink]

74. {{{monarch}}} You have my sincere condolences.

[Scout]

75. {{{{{monarch}}}}} I'm sorry to hear that.

My cousin's husband committed suicide ... the only thing that sort of helped us was to get as much of the family together as possible, and to tell stories about the things we remembered about him.

I hope you can gather your family together to be with you.

[reyd reid reed]

76. I'm so sorry you're having to go through this.

As for coping...everyone's different. All I can suggest is putting one foot in front of the other and keep going. Your way will open for you.

This kind of death is probably the hardest to deal with. I've lost people to both murder and suicide and, while they're both devastating, I think suicide is probably worse. I know that you're probably feeling so many conflicting emotions right now. Let yourself feel them. Experience has shown me that they won't be denied. Don't let yourself wallow, but don't shut them out, either. It's part of the process.

You're in my thoughts.

:hug:

[amitten]

77. I am sorry.

:hug:

I do believe in God and will put you in my prayers.

[monarch]

78. Thank you all for the words of comfort.

It really has helped!

[GenDem]

85. So very, very sorry

:hug:

[Inchworm]

79. Shit- I'm sorry

I hope all is as well as it can be for you and yours :(

:hug:

[I Have A Dream]

80. Oh no! I'm so sorry, monarch.

There's nothing that I can say that can even begin to make it better, but please know that my heart truly hurts for you. :cry:

:hug:

[Blue_In_AK]

81. I'm so sorry...

It's always a hard hit when someone close commits suicide, but a sibling must be devastating. My thoughts are with you and your family.

[Downtown Hound]

82. I am so very sorry.

Many blessings to you in this dark time.

[Maddy McCall]

83. I don't know what to say to help...

except that I am very sorry that your family is going through so much sadness right now, and I'm glad that you have siblings to help share this terrible burden.

:cry: :hug:

[applegrove]

84. I am so very sorry for you all.

[JVS]

86. .

:cry: :hug:

[salin]

87. Peace to you, your family and those whose lives your brother touched....

It is such a hard loss to take... the temptation is for self-blame (I should have known, and intervened...) let go of that baggage - allow the anger and rage (at the act) to take its course... it passes (the anger and rage), it is natural and part of getting passed that anger and rage (other wise it stays - under the surface) and lets you more quickly get to the place, somewhere in the future, when you can take great comfort and warmth from the memories.

Again, peace to you. :hug:

[The Traveler]

88. Sorry, man,

Sorrow will turn to anger and back again. At some point, you will need to work on the forgiveness thing, and that sounds easier than it really is. But forgiveness is the shortest path to acceptance and peace ... The mourning never ends, and they're never really gone ... and nonetheless you will have good days again. You will get through this.

Remember that you are not friendless.

Trav

[QMPMom]

89. I am so sorry for your loss. I will keep you in my thoughts.

[SPKrazy]

90. Very Sorry...

try to stay away from anyone doing the "what if" or worse, the blame game with this.

People commit suicide and even under circumstances where they are being watched and people know about their ideas, if determined, one can and will often do just what happened with your brother.

I'm very sorry and probably too much talk and not enough :hug: :hug: :hug:

talk to people, talk to people, stick close to people, find a survivors of suicide support group, anything is better than nothing and there is no easy answer.

sorry :hug:

[pitohui]

91. jesus just saw this and i'm really sorry

i have no suggestions just a :hug:

[hfojvt]

92. Nope, I've got nothing

I was gonna suggest writing. Writing to him, writing about him. That didn't really help me when my dog died though. Hang out with friends or family, try to do things you enjoy. Listen to fun music. Play with your dog, or get a puppy if you have no dog. Even if you don't believe in God, you should believe in dog.
Sorry, I doubt if anything will help for a while.