Actual quotes that are funny, even out of context

[Patiod]

My neighbor knocked on our door recently to say "I'm sorry to bother you, but your cat is in my car." (she had crawled in through the sunroof) I laugh every time I think of that.

Got any of your own?

[mzteris]

1. "Don't kick the fish, son"... n/t

[Elidor]

2. A couple of aquaintances had been up for over 24 hours after a family emergency

A hospital doctor gave them some sleeping pills so they could get some rest. One of them says to her husband, after he's just fallen asleep, "Wake up, Ron, I have a sleeping pill for you."

[Crazy Dave]

6. It's happened to me

My wife has woke me up from a sound sleep numerous times to ask me, "Are you awake?" or "Did you hear that noise?"

[Hugin]

3. "Lead floats on gold..."

Is my current mondo.

It came up once when were were discussing management... :)

[MonkeyFunk]

4. Years ago

at a poker club, I had to say

"Dealer - could you please ask the gentleman in seat 2 to stop licking the chips?"

[Hugin]

5. "Money is non-refundable."

:)

[Patiod]

9. Ew.

Just ew.

[FloridaJudy]

7. "Waiter, there's a tooth in my snails!"

("Oiga, camerero! Hay un diente in mis caracoles.")

It really did happen to me in a small restaurant in Northern Spain: it appeared to be a human molar with a silver filling. To this day, I have no idea how the tooth got in the plate of caracoles alioli. The restaurant comped me on the dinner.

"'Excuse me - I'm looking for a depressed Buddhist', I said to the librarian". I'd been browsing the shelves of my local library. When I opened a copy of "The Zen Path Through Depression", a fifty dollar WalMart gift certificate from "Mom - To Marlene" dropped out. I do tend to be honest, but mostly I couldn't resist using that line!

[Patiod]

8. and you knew how to complain about en espanol!

I would have just screamed

[Connonym]

15. I found a human tooth in my cheese a couple weeks ago, eww eh?

bought a chunk of aged cheddar at a local cheese shop and, god I still shudder to think of it, found a human baby tooth inside it.

[MrScorpio]

10. I was walking on an Amsterdam's Red Light District street, turning the corner...

When I heard a woman say in an unmistakable American accent, "Oh you love it when I stick my finger in your ass."

I took too long to turn back to see who said it, and since the street was crowded it could have been anyone.

Damn, I miss Amsterdam

[mokawanis]

11. weather forecast

From an English newspaper:

Warm and dry, but cooler, with rain.

[MonkeyFunk]

12. Years ago

the newspaper reported that "hail the size of hailstones pelted the area last night."

[Skittles]

13. IM received from overseas at work

05:41PM Marco: HI Susan, did you have any problem which you called T&A ?

I sooooooo wanted to reply No Marco, I have no problem with my T&A

[cynatnite]

14. My daughter commented on a car that left it's blinker on after switching lanes...

She smarted off with, "Better shut that off before your blinker fluid runs out"

Her guy friend said, "I didn't know they needed blinker fluid."

He really believed it and to this day we die laughing every time we talk about it.

[piesRsquare]

16. Friend (on phone): "Hello [computer store]?"

"I was at your store earlier today; I just got home and realized I forgot my memory..."

:rofl: