Question for parents and those considering becoming parents.

[grace0418]

I'm nearly 37 and my husband is starting to get antsy about having a baby. I, however, am ambivalent. I don't want to be having my first child at 42 (not that it's necessarily a bad thing, but for me that wouldn't work), but I don't feel like I want one right now either.

Were any of you parents out there really ambivalent before having a child? After you had the child, did that all go away or did you wish you had waited? Be honest, I'm not questioning whether you love or want your child. I'm just asking for your honest assessment of whether or not you feel "being ready" is important or even possible. I mean, I *know* you can never be completely ready for being a parent, but is a certain level of readiness that important? Or does it all fall into place once you lay eyes on that baby?

How about you folks also considering taking the plunge? Do you feel like a person should *really* want a child before deciding to have one or do you think actually having one will change they way the person feels about it?

I love kids, I really do. And sometimes I can really see myself as a mom. But other times I feel completely stifled by the idea. There's so much I want to do and so many places I want to see, and I just don't know if I'm totally willing to give up the next 18 years to be someone's mom. Sure, we can take vacations and go places once the kid is a little older, but I know that most of my waking hours are going to be devoted to that child until they go off to college.

I guess my desire to be a good mom is playing a role here too. I don't want to resent my child, or live vicariously through my child, or heaven forbid neglect my child. I guess that's what scares me about being so torn about the idea. What if I have the child and I end up regretting it? What an awful thing to do to a baby. I'm the youngest of eleven and had to fight for any scrap of attention I got from my parents, who were pretty over the idea of parenting by the time I came around. So I never want to do that to my child.

If I'm being completely honest, I can say with some certainty that I would not even be considering having a child right now if I wasn't nearly 37. The idea that "time is running out" seems like a bad reason to have a baby but it's a real factor.

Anyway, thanks for reading. Let me know your thoughts.

:hi:

[MissMillie]

1. as the mother of a teenage boy I have only 3 words for you

get a dog

[grace0418]

5. uh-oh.

I was suspecting as much. ;) :hi:

[MissMillie]

22. sorry

I love my son.. I do, and in the grand scheme of things, I'm glad I became a parent.

The past few years have been very difficult.

[grace0418]

58. No need to apologize. I asked for your honest feelings.

And I know you've had trouble with your son in the past few years, so I understand. Hope things get better for you.

:hug:

[Serendipitous]

56. I concur.

[Sequoia]

70. For years I didn't want a child because I thought I'd be lousy.

Fear, stuff like that. Then at 40 wham-o. I loved her little big head and beautiful eyes. I hate discipling though. I was raised so very strict and feel like a I yell so much, get up, get your homework done, bla, bla, bla. Oh, how I hate homework, I don't understand the math and forgot the simplist things. It's hard work and all my daughter's friend's moms could be my daughers if I had one back when I was in my 20s. So, still I'm a lousy mom, can't afford anything she wants, iPods, cell phones, internet connection, clothes not from cheap stores, hate cooking these days.

[Dora]

2. I was like you...

I was 35, we knew we wanted to have a child, I was unsure of how it would affect me - I have goals, dreams, a List of Things To Do...

When I realized that I was, in fact, pregnant - I was terror struck. What IF? I wasn't ready? I would resent the child for interfering with my plans? Etc?

But I also wasn't willing to change my mind. I asked for a pregnancy, and I got one.

It's not easy, but it's all about love, and multiplying that love.

I have been frustrated at my lack of personal time and space. I have felt resentful about being the Mommy with The Breast. I have felt all sorts of negative things - but that is transitory.

I have also been overwhelmed by the joy and bounty that parenthood has brought to my life.

If what you want to do is love a child unconditionally and without end, then go for it. You can do everything else too.

[grace0418]

6. "If what you want to do is love a child unconditionally..."

That's the part I don't know. I know I love kids but whether I want one of my own has completely got me baffled.

But thank you for your honesty. Every story helps. And what you said about joy and bounty was really lovely.

[skygazer]

3. Well, quite honestly, I didn't decide to have kids

They decided for me. I had my first child at 19, she was completely unplanned and I was alone. In addition, I'd never even thought about having kids and never pictured myself with any. Which sounds like a recipe for disaster but it wasn't.

I decided to have her and though I was still unsure right up until she was born whether I was doing the right thing, it turned out that I was. My kids think I'm a terrific mother, they've all turned out great and having them was one of the best things ever to happen in my life.

It sounds to me like you're kind of over-thinking this. You don't have to give up your life for 18 years when you have a child. Your life changes, sure, but I don't think it's either smart or healthy to give up your entire self (as some people seem to think you have to) when you become a parent. I don't think that's good for your kids either.

It's good to question whether you're ready, absolutely. It's not like you can give them back once they're here. But I also think it's pretty rare to find someone who is completely ready - there are always going to be doubts and uncertainties.

Big help,huh? It's something only you can figure out.

[grace0418]

7. Thanks skygazer!

No that was a big help. I appreciate any and all answers on the subject!

[Shine]

4. Being a parent has been a paradox for me.

at one and the same time, it is THE hardest thing I have ever done, and yet it also has brought me the deepest joy. It's hard in that it confronts me with my own sense of inadequacy, but it's also given me a chance to heal those emotional wounds from the past which we all carry around, step more fully into my personal power and feel love more deeply. For that, I am eternally grateful.

I became a parent at the age of 29. We'd been engaged for 6 mos when suddenly I was pregnant, even tho' we were being careful. We'd planned to have kids, just not so soon. I guess ShineBoy just couldn't wait any longer! We moved the wedding up and I became a wife and a mother within five mos. of each other. Talk about major life change!!! Three yrs later ShineGirl came along, but we planned for her. No regrets whatsoever, all in all. Being a mother has been the greatest blessing of my life, truly. You will be amazed at how much LOVE you are capable of experiencing.

Like you, I have wondered about my ablility to be a good mom. It never stops! LOL. The truth is, we all just make it up as we go along and sometimes you just gotta take a LEAP OF FAITH and trust it'll all work out if your heart is open and your intentions are good.

All the best, it's a big decision. :hug: :hi:

[grace0418]

9. Thanks Shine.

Yeah, sometimes I wish we would "accidentally" have the decision made for us. But I actually fear we may have the opposite problem. Even though my mom was incredibly fertile (she wouldn't have stopped at 11 kids if she didn't have a hysterectomy, I'm sure of it), my sisters have all had trouble conceiving.

Anyway, thank you so much for the words of wisdom and encouragement. :hug: right back atcha!

[geiger]

13. I agree; it's the best and worst thing you'll ever experience

[ileus]

8. Kids are the devil and suck up all your funds and time.

Having said that I wouldn't trade my two (4yo girl, 2yo boy) for 10,000 gallons of Petrol and a Jeep Rubicon.

I didn't want kids at the age 32 but the wife convinced me we needed to have them puppies quick. Now I wish I'd had them smoetime earlier in life. They keep you young and make you old at the same time.

[grace0418]

26. I know I wouldn't have been able to handle it any younger than I am now.

There's no way I was mature enough. But I don't want to be too mature either. :)

Thanks ileus!

[davsand]

10. Kids are a gift--absolutely no doubt in my mind.

Every day my 9 ("I'm 9 and a HALF, Mom!") year old makes me laugh or makes me proud. She is an absolutely awesome kid with a very highly developed sense of fair play, compassion, and an absolutely amazing intelligence. My kid is, without any doubt, one of the brightest things I have ever managed to do (on par with marrying her father!)

Having said all that, I will also say that had she been born earlier in my life (I was 37 by the time I had her) I doubt that I'd have been able to recognize what a true gift she is. I have no doubt that I'd have loved my child. I just think I'd have resented some of the changes that kids make in your life.

I tell anyone who asks my opinion about having kids the following thing: unless you REALLY want to do it, and unless you freely choose to do it--DON'T. I'm not talking about accidental conceptions here--I think those surprise babies can be every much a gift as the ones made in love or adopted or created in a test tube--I'm talking about a situation where there is any kind of pressure to be a parent.

Only YOU know what is right for you, and only YOU can sort it out with your partner in terms of what is best for you all.

I'm sorry this is causing such angst for you guys, really I am. May your path lighten soon.


Laura

[grace0418]

27. Thanks Laura.

There's no pressure, really. Other than time. My husband will be disappointed but will accept it if I don't want any kids. His parents want a grandson but I don't really care what they think. Their views on life and mine are entirely different anyway.

It's just a tough decision and I wish I had some idea what was right. I'm okay with the idea of not having children, I just want to be sure of it. Or, conversely, I want to be sure having one is right for me.

But thanks for your help.

[ScreamingMeemie]

11. I was never going to have kids...and then I ended up with two.

Go figure. Neither one was planned. Here's the thing, I think it is telling; the fact that you are thinking about it. You must ask yourself if not ever having kids would leave something missing in your life or not. None of us can tell you, but we can commiserate.

My kids are a blast. Well mannered, smart and people geuninely seem to like them! me included. :hi: Good luck, whatever you decide will be the right thing for you.

[grace0418]

28. That's the question I always ask myself.

No, I don't feel like anything would be *missing* per se. But that doesn't mean my life couldn't be a whole lot better if I decide to have one.

But thanks for the advice. This is all helping a lot.

[geiger]

12. I was the oldest of eight and had no desire to have kids, but thought

my husband at the time needed to have kids to have his own family to break away from the psychopathology of his mom and dad and siblings.

Should not have had kids.

I love them, but it's a constant worry, and there are days I don't think I do a very good job taking care of myself let alone them.

If you're ambivalent, don't have kids.

[grace0418]

29. Thanks for your honesty, poli speak.

All these insights are really helping a lot. Maybe I'll have my husband read them.

[underpants]

14. My wife was 41 and I was 38 when we had Josie almost two years ago

I cannot imagine being a father at an earlier age. I was far too self consumed and too frantic about things. Maybe being a father just snapped me out of it but I am a much more calm and happy person than I was just about 2 years ago.

The long nights at the beginning allow from some deep soul searching and reflection and I really think everyone should give that a try child or not.

You don't have time for ambivalence once that thing comes out. EVerything doesn't have to change but you do have a completely new overriding concern that impacts every waking moment and every plan and or thought.

[grace0418]

30. That's how I feel, any younger than this I would never have been able to handle

having kids. Even though my husband and I have been together since we were 18.

Thank you so much underpants!

[commander bunnypants]

15. Keira is only 3 1/2 months old.

It is already hard to imagine life before her.

Even when changing a dirty diaper at 2 am and they smile........


:loveya: :loveya:

I am also 40 and the wife 39

[grace0418]

32. Thanks CB!

I'm glad you're loving parenthood. Your perspective (being older like I would be) really helps too.

[hedgehog]

16. I think you and your husband need to figure out exactly why both of

you would want to have a kid and why not. What changes would you have to accept and would you be willing to make those changes? Do not have a child because it's what everyone else expects. That's unfair to you both and to the child. If you want to have a child someday, I'd suggest that someday is now. It's not simply a matter of your age when the child is an infant. How about your age when the child heads off to college?

For what it's worth, I have six kids and my younger brother has none. Both of us would be in agony if the situation was reversed! You have to go with what's right for you and your husband, not with other people's expectations.

[grace0418]

34. Yeah, I definitely don't see myself ever having more than one.

But it's interesting that you and your brother are on such different ends of the spectrum! My eleven siblings have all had very small families if they have any kids at all.

Thank you for your insight. It's helping me a lot.

[Midlodemocrat]

17. It's the hardest job you'll ever do.

If you do it right. It can also be the easiest if you don't.

I have three kids. They are all amazingly high maintenance, but that is primarily my fault. They are active, work hard, and most importantly, kind.

I can't imagine my life without them, although there are times I would kill for just an hour off to read or something.

I don't remember what it was like before I had them. And the time I get to have them is very, very short.

[grace0418]

35. The part that scares me is that I already feel like I get no time to do what I want

to do. The only time that happens is when my husband goes on a business trip (once a year) and I can have some time to myself. I love him to pieces but he can be rather high maintenance. So I do worry that I will lose what precious little "me" time I have once a baby comes around.

I think he's going to have to do some major changing if we decide to do this.

Thank you for helping me with this.

[commander bunnypants]

38. you rarely dont but you change!

My big concern tommorow when I am planting flowers is how will I hear Kiera. I am hoping the monitor has a belt clip. The bathroom used to be my fortress of solitude. I could live inthere. Now I am happy with a 10 minute shower.

You grow and adjust and it is a good thing


CB

[Hard_Work]

18. Gotta tell ya,

my son (2yrs old) is simply the best thing to ever happen to me. I can't imagine my life without him in it. His obvious joy at seeing me everyday (when I get home from work, he ALWAYS screams "daaadddyyy" and runs to hug my knees), puts even the crappiest day in perspective.

That being said, I am ambivalent about having another one, even though my wife is eager to. I really feel the responsibility for keeping him safe and making sure he is happy, educated and well adjusted. So far so good, though. What people don't mention is how hard it is to be a good parent. I need to say, though, that if you are having questions about being a good parent, you probably will be.

Go into it with your eyes open, and I guarantee the love you get in return will be like nothing you have ever known. 'Course, Alex IS only two...:hug:

[grace0418]

36. Thanks HW!

That almost made me cry!

[youthere]

19. I have three kids...

and while I've never regretted having them, but there are times I wish I would have waited a little longer (I had my first at 27 and my last one at 32). When we made the decision to have our first, I thought it was too soon, but my husband was ready and I guess I kind of gave in because I wanted him to be happy. I was terrified! I knew I wanted kids someday in the murky future, I just didn't want them right then. When our first daughter was born I still had my fears and reservations, but the love I felt for her, and the joy she's brought us more than made up for it. I don't think anyone has a child with absolute certainty, you always have doubts or reservations on some level, but it turns out okay..honest. Life is NEVER the same after having kids, that doesn't mean that it's better or worse...it's just different. There are moments that I miss the old "me", but I wouldn't go back for anything.
At any rate, the question you ask yourself (What if I have the child and I end up regretting it?) is the same question every person contemplating parenthood asks themselves. I worried about being a good mom before I got pregnant, and I have worried every single day since. And I think I am a good mom...most days. I think just the fact you worry about it means you're on the right track, you know? I would worry more if you WEREN'T worried, if that makes any sense.

[grace0418]

40. That makes total sense.

I know I'll always have questions, fears and doubts. But all these perspectives help a lot.

[slj0101]

20. The SO and I are considering adoption.

I love kids, and would love to have one, but there are so many out there that are born into crummy conditions. I'd rather they get a chance.

[grace0418]

42. We talk about that too.

And we will definitely go that route if we decide to have kids but we can't conceive. I absolutely flat out refuse to go through fertility treatments of any kind. Even if there were no children out there needing families, and even if the costs weren't so great, the increased risk of having a multiple birth scares the bejeezus out of me.

[Omphaloskepsis]

21. I have always been in this camp..

If you have to ask about this type of thing you probably shouldn't do it. And talk to your doctor.

[grace0418]

43. Thanks for your honesty. Fair enough.

But why talk to my doctor? I mean, I've already talked to her about my health and the risks of later pregnancy, etc. But are there other reasons?

[seemunkee]

23. I have two

Our son is 20 and daughter 17. I didn't feel ready but my wife was anxious. Once she was pregnant I was happy as could be. In hindsight I would have done it sooner. Getting married and having the kids are the best things I have ever done.

[grace0418]

44. Thanks seemunkee. How old were you when you had your first?

Why do you wish you did it sooner?

[seemunkee]

48. We were 29

My wife and I are the same age.
Looking back there wasn't any real reason to wait, just nerves. We become empty nesters next fall when our daughter heads off to school.

[LeftyMom]

24. I got knocked up in the usual way

ie- That box of pads looks a bit dusty. Uh oh... :scared:

That said, put some thought into it. Do you really not feel ready or not want to be a parent yet? Than don't do it. If you're just nervous about it, that's normal and nothing that should slow you down if motherhood is what you want.

[grace0418]

46. I wish I could just wait another year.

But I know that worries my husband because that means we won't start trying until I'm 38, and who knows how long it will take to get pregnant?

On the other hand, I just *know* that if I say "well, it'll probably take awhile to conceive so stop trying to prevent it now" then I will get pregnant immediately. That has happened to so many friends of mine.

Thanks Leftymom!

[LeftyMom]

49. Well, you could go get your hormone levels taken and get a good gyno exam

Start taking prenatals, clean up your diet, and get ready, that way you get the year you want and he gets to feel like you're working on starting a family.

Oh, and get a copy of Taking Charge of your Fertility by Toni Weschler, because it'll help you to time sex in order to conceive when you're ready. Charting your cycle now can help you to find any potential problems, for example if you're not ovulating every cycle or if you have a short luteal phase or something.

[grace0418]

59. Great advice.

I'm already doing some of those things. My husband was diagnosed with diabetes last summer so we've completely overhauled our diet and our life. We work out 6 times a week and eat really healthy, and we've both lost over 60 lbs. We're just getting to the point where we want to do more adventure travel because we feel like we're in shape enough to do it. My big plan was to go to Australia and New Zealand for a month or so to celebrate our 10 year wedding anniversary this October, but it won't work this year for a few reasons. So if I get pregnant, that dream trip will have to get pushed back for years, which I know is selfish but it makes me really sad.

Anyway, maybe this plan will work, so he feels like we're at least trying. And thanks for the book tip. I will check it out.

[Kali]

91. take the trip first

really.

[izzybeans]

25. My wife and I never planned on having kids. But we had a happy little accident.

We both want another child. Our son will be four soon. He's a handful but he's pretty damn funny and I can't get enough of him.

I could say I was ambivalent about children. Now I realize that I never truly had a lesson in "selfishness" until he was born. My child reminded me of how much my personhood was bound up with relationships with others. He taught me that selfishness did not necessarily mean egotistical or narcissistic. My illusions of grandeur about my rugged individualism have been replaced by a clear picture. You don't lose yourself with children, you remake yourself; just as you always do with or without them.

[grace0418]

47. That's beautiful izzybeans.

Thank you for that. I see myself in that statement about rugged individualism. :hi:

[liontamer]

31. not a parent, but have you considered adoption?

If you're not ready now, it doesn't seem like a good idea to rush things, but if you're ready in five years, who's to say you have to adopt an infant? There are older children who need loving homes, and that eliminates the "how old will you be when they're in college?" issue.

For the record my parents had me when they were in their 40s and the whole "hurry up and graduate so that we can retire" dilemma sucks for both the parents and the child.

[grace0418]

50. Yeah, my mom was 41 when I was born. They had my childhood home on the market

before I even graduated from high school. Forget going home for that first Thanksgiving break. I never felt so unwanted. The weird part was that I didn't especially want to be with *them* either, I guess I just longed for a family I didn't have. Even my friends who fought with their parents still had them calling and asking what they wanted for dinner when they got home, or sending care packages. My parents couldn't wait to be rid of all parental responsibility. I never want to feel like that, nor do I ever want my child to feel that unwanted.

That being said, my mom never did *anything* but crank out babies. I have had some semblance of a life up until now, and intend to continue. So I don't think I'll feel the same way about my child.

But yes, to answer your question, we do consider adoption. I have to be honest though, I think I would want to adopt a baby or toddler. I just don't know if I have the patience or fortitude to try and repair the damage done to an older child needing adoption. God bless anyone who can, they are truly wonderful people. But I think it would be more than I could handle.

Thanks liontamer!

[av8rdave]

33. I was married 5 years before having a child

wanted to make sure it was going to work (it didn't, so I wasn't as wise as I thought I was).

I was 28 before I had my son. I'm glad I waited, but glad I didn't wait any longer, if that makes sense. I can't imagine trying to get a marriage/new relationship off the ground while raising a child. However, once I/we were ready, having children was the most fantastic thing we ever did.

By the way, those were decisions made many years ago...here's my son with his gf now:

[grace0418]

51. Thanks av8trdave!

That's a fine looking son you have! I think you did a good job. He looks happy!

[av8rdave]

63. Thanks...he's a great kid!

[Karenca]

37. This might sound a little strange -- but the thought of having a child had

not entered my mind. I think we were both ambivelant about the whole idea of parenthood. I married young, and my husband and I were both very immature. Then I became accidentally pregnant shortly after losing my mom, who was my best friend. I kind of took it as a sign (I used to be much more spiritual back then). Anyway, I lost the baby. After that, I became determined to get pregnant. After one more miscarriage, I carried to term. My son is 23 now, and having him is the best thing I have ever done. I can't imagine my life without ever had my child.

[grace0418]

52. Thanks Karenca!

It's so nice to get perspectives from new parents and parents of adult children.

[Karenca]

55. Your welcome! To look back now, and remember how having children was

never in our thoughts is so odd --
as today, one of my biggest regrets is that I didn't have more!

[VenusRising]

39. I just want to thank you for starting this thread.

I have thoughts like this all the time. My husband and I have been married for 7 years this August and we are more in love that ever. We just don't know about kids. We have gone from "Definitely, no kids!" to "The issue is on the table". We've talked about it, but the most intense pressure comes from the grandparents. :eyes: That is all we heard about for a week straight when ZI graduated.

It's nice to know that others think and feel the same way. And it is quite helpful to read everyone else's experience with kids. So, again, thanks for posting. I hope you find the answer you are looking for.

:hi:

[grace0418]

53. Thanks VenusRising! I hope this helps you too then.

It's nice to know I'm not alone. It seems like so many people I know are either totally gung-ho about having kids or totally against the idea. I wish I were more sure one way or the other.

I'm really trying to not let the grandparent pressure get to me. They aren't going to be raising this child (thank HEAVENS for that), I am.

[NewWaveChick1981]

41. My husband and I grappled with this particular issue.

I decided in my 20s that I didn't want children. I like them, but I really did not want the responsibility. My husband has wavered on and off about having them. Sometimes he would talk about how much he really wanted kids, and sometimes he would talk about how much he didn't like them. :shrug: We got married when I was 29 and he was 31 after a long courtship. I'm 43 going on 44 now, and my husband is 46. I have never changed my mind about having children but I considered them for a while because of my husband. He still talks about having them, but at this point, he'd be retired when the child would be starting college. There is no way I would have a child at this point in my life.

The one time I have ever actually been pregnant was actually a test of my feelings towards having children. I got pregnant when our birth control method failed in 1999. We talked things over a LOT, and we made a mutual decision to terminate the pregnancy. I have never been sad or disappointed that I never went through with it---I was relieved and have never looked back. However, I know my husband has had second thoughts. It's not going to happen, though.

I was totally honest with myself and would make the same decision if I were faced with that choice again.

[grace0418]

54. Thanks NWC!

It's good to hear your thoughts. It's difficult to balance the needs and desires of both partners in this situation if they happen to be different. It's such an all-or-nothing decision, there's simply no compromise. But I'm glad you did what was right for you.

[Maine-ah]

45. .

1. It's way more fun than most people are telling you.
2. your life does not end. make your child "travel friendly"
3. If you really don't want one right now, don't.

I wish I had started in my 20's instead of my 30's, but after 11 years, we didn't think we could have kids, so she was a surprise. She's so much fun! I may not say so when she's 15 ( I hope I can), but I wouldn't change this for the world!

Good luck :hi:

[grace0418]

57. Thanks Maine-ah! And she sure is cute!

You've all given me a lot to think about.

[YankeyMCC]

60. I was ambivalent about having a child the first few years of my

marriage. I felt that someday I would want a child but I felt no rush - I was pretty young of course and was working on my master's degree at night.

No you can never be fully ready for the reality but I think it's important for the people who are going to raise the child to feel they are fully ready emotionally. And be as practically ready as they can in terms of money and life-style.

There came a point where I felt it was the right thing to do and that I really wanted to be a father and do a reasonable job of providing and caring for a child and we had our son not to long afterwards.

Now we only have one child and there have been times we've taken a little family and social flak about the 'only child' thing. Similar to what many childless couples get on having children in the first place, nothing sever but at times annoying. And of course we questioned it a lot ourselves.

My wife often has felt she wanted more children but I never felt compelled emotionally to add more children to our family (except perhaps via adoption - which we might still do). I like our life as it is, my son may be an only child but he has many friends and is very close to cousins etc... I don't see his childhood as missing anything vital...missing something perhaps but I don't think (obviously or I'd do something about it) anything that will harm him in the long run. I don't think it would be right to have a child just so he would have a sibling. So unless we Both felt compelled the decision is Not to have a second child. Just as in our decision on the first, we didn't do it until we Both felt we were ready.

So that perhaps goes off in a tangent you didn't as for but maybe it'll help you in your personal deliberations.

I know many say it and but becoming a parent for me was the best thing that ever happened to me, changing - perhaps opening up is a better way to say it - my life in immensely positive (and truly unexpected) ways.

[grace0418]

62. No, not a tangent at all! I definitely feel that I only want one child and know

we will face pressure to have additional children. I do rather hope we have a son, just for the simple reason that it will shut my in-laws up. They have four grand-daughters and my husband is their last hope for a grandson. If we manage to do that, the pressure to have a second will be reduced greatly.

I think there are potential pitfalls with having an only child but I think they can be avoided. It's certainly better than having a litter of children (like my mom did) and never having enough time, energy or money for any of them.

Thanks YankeyMCC!

[Karenina]

61. What's missing from your post for me

is who YOU are and what YOU'RE doing in your life. What is YOUR passion right about now? What are YOUR personal goals? Where do YOU want to be 25 years from now?

[grace0418]

64. Ahhh, excellent question.

Well, I'm trying to figure that out myself. I'm a graphic designer in a bit of a mid-career crisis, and I'm a frustrated artist to boot. I'm passionate about animals, travel, art and food. Not necessarily in that order. Yes, when I throw all this into the mix I get even more confused.

[Karenina]

67. May I respectfully suggest that YOU

carefully consider YOURSELF first? NOT what's "expected" of you as a married woman, and NOT what you've been conditioned to expect of yourself. No one else will, not your husband, family, in-laws, friends and PARTICULARLY NOT if and when you become a mother.

HOW important is your art to YOU??? (I just KNEW upon first reading your post... Funny that! NOT!!!)

[grace0418]

71. You knew I was an artist?

Wow, I wonder why. I certainly don't feel like one lately. But thank you.

And thank you for the advice, it's all excellent. I do feel very fearful that whatever personal desires and needs I've been able to carve out for myself will all get wiped away once I'm "XYZ's Mom". It seems like everyone has said those things don't matter anymore, that your priorities change. I hope that's true, but what if it isn't?

[Karenina]

77. It's NOT TRUE.

You'll be called "selfish" for looking out for the person who indeed will become no more that XYZ's mom. I suggest you examine those issues BEFORE committing yourself, as once you've taken the plunge there is NO going back. Do YOU really have the "baby lust?" Are you willing to forego any ideas you have about yourself to pursue it? Got any friends with yung'uns?

[Evoman]

65. Me and my gf have similar feelings.

Even though we are not even engaged yet. My gf has thought all her life she wanted children, but lately...especially after spending time with her nephews (who are good kids, but can be a handful)..she has become ambivalent. She wants to travel and she needs her free time so she is having second thought. Luckily, we aren't in a rush yet and don't feel too much pressure, since neither of us is finished grad school yet.

Me...well..I've basically led my life in a manner that has made me one of the most happy, relaxed people I know. Grad school has been a bit stressful, but really..I don't take on many other responsibilites so it managable. I usually have at least three or fours hours almost everyday to myself..I like to read, play games, and relax. I need that time. I NEVER explode in anger, and I love my life...

But I'm afraid a kid will change me for the worse. I'm afraid of becoming ill tempered. I don't want any complications in my life if I can help it. I don't want to feel anger, or frustration. My life is freakin easy...why make it harder?

That being said, one of the few reason I want kids is even selfish it seems. I don't want to feel like I'm missing out. I love new experiences....lol...I'm just scared of irreversible ones. In the end, I don't know. I think I could be a good dad...I don't have any baggage, I can't imagine being abusive, I'm a pretty caring guy with a good family.

Still.....

[grace0418]

72. Well, once you finish grad school and get married you can see how you feel

then. You sound fairly young so you've got time. You're actually farther along than I was back then. I was very much of the "NO WAY am I ever having kids" school of thought back then. Thanks for the perspective though. I need as many different takes on this as I can get.

[NC_Nurse]

66. I started to tell you my experience...

But frankly I think that is more about me than you. I have heard the gamut from women
about their feelings about motherhood and it's VERY individual.
I think that you would be a good parent because you are thinking hard about the child's needs and whether or not you could/would meet them.
But being able to parent and wanting to are two different things.

I don't think the time factor is that big of a deal. I know many women that didn't have any children until they were over 40. Adoption is always an option too.

Everybody's different. Sorry if that's no help....:shrug:

[grace0418]

73. That helps. Believe me. Even just hearing everyone's different stories helps

me in some way or another. Whether I think "oh, they don't seem very similar to me" or "wow, that sounds like exactly what I was going through!" every angle helps.

So thank you!

[SKKY]

68. My wife was very anxious...I was "agressively indifferent" about parenthood...

...Our son was born on March 18, 2005. And the only thing I can say is that I really don't remember what was important to me before then. Now, I would't trade parenthood for anything in the world. I love being a father. And, since you're saying basically the same things I said, it sounds to me like you'll feel the same way about being a mother.

[grace0418]

74. Thanks ALiberal Sailor!

You sound like a great dad. I think my husband will be pretty good at it, I hope it relaxes him a little bit.

[SKKY]

76. It's impossible to overstate, or even predict...

...how one changes when they hold a life in their hands that they created. At least it has me.

[Deja Q]

69. Times like this have me turning to one thing:

television.

Look up the 5th season "All in the Family" episode entitled "Gloria's Shock". it may be 30 years old, but it handles the concept very astutely.

[grace0418]

75. I vaguely remember that episode. It wasn't very meaningful to me at the time

but I bet it would be now. Thanks HT!

[gbate]

78. You're worried about too much. If you want a child, have one.

[grace0418]

83. That's easy to say.

But it's not exactly like buying a pair of shoes. I can't just return a baby to the store if it doesn't work for me.

[gbate]

93. See, I just cannot see feeling that way about my children.

[xmas74]

79. I didn't decide.

My depo shot didn't work.

But I love her dearly, though I don't always feel like I do the right thing for her. But I do try hard.

Try your best and the rest will happen. As to vacations-maybe not as far but you can take plenty of day trips. You'll learn more about your state's park system than you ever expected. Oh,and buy some camping equipment. I started taking her when she was 8 weeks old-she did just fine for overnights. And if you buy a sling you can take a baby hiking for shorter distances. When they are a bit bigger (holding their heads up) buy a baby backpack and take them-they'll love it.

Vacations are just different but they don't have to be "kiddified".

[grace0418]

84. I guess that might sound more appealing if I didn't live in freaking Illinois.

I love Chicago but we've already visited and camped at most of the state parks in the area- they're okay but not exactly awe-inspiring.

Actually you touched on a possible reason why am hesitating. I have wanted to move to the west coast for many, many years and my husband likes the idea but is too tied to his job and too worried about money and employment to ever want to do it. I feel like having a child will just be the nail in the coffin in terms of convincing him to move. First it will be "let's wait until the baby's out of diapers so it won't be so stressful" then it will be "he's/she's in a really good pre-school, let's wait" then "oh but he's/she's so attached to all his/her little friends, let's wait" and so on until that child is out of the house.

And now that you made all those suggestions about traveling locally you really made me realize how trapped that idea makes me feel. Because the thought of being around here and forcing myself and my kid to go to all of the places I had to go as a kid (I grew up around here) actually made my blood run cold. Thank you. I think this has been a breakthrough for me. Maybe if I can convince him to finally move the idea of exploring a new home with my child sounds much more appealing.

Wow. I hadn't considered that. Thanks xmas74!

[xmas74]

92. A change of scenery might do you some good.

Get the move done now and then decide once you've unwound.

You still have time to make a decision. It doesn't have to be at this moment!

[electron_blue]

80. People ambivalent about marrying someone shouldn't marry that person. I think there's a parallel for

parenting. If you have a choice and dont' feel very strongly about having kids then don't have them. At least not right now. Revisit it in 6 months or a year (if you can). I have seen several exampls of people (mainly men) in real life who talked themselves into wanting to be parents, then got overwhelmed and split.

I was really pretty sure I wouldn't want kids in my 20's and even my early 30's and as I got older and had to decide "for real" because of the clock, I went through similar questioning that you're going through now. And I knew, solidly, that I wanted to have a child. And I have one! It's a joy, but the work is unending most of the time.

I agree with the others - it is a buttload of fun, and your life doesn't go on hold for 18 years. At least I don't think it has to. My career took a serious hit for the first 5 years, but then that included a divorce in there (see my previous sentences about some people talking themselves into it). And while I didn't get to do all the international traveling I was accustomed to doing, I also learned all sorts of new things, like how to develop my artistic side. The part of me I was convinced I didn't have.

[grace0418]

85. Thanks eb! You make a very good point with that comparison.

I need to examine why I am feeling so ambivalent about this. It may not be the baby, it may be the fact that I want to move out of Illinois.

[Lost-in-FL]

81. Grace, I'm sailing in the same boat here

As a matter of fact, I asked a coworker if she knew then what she knows now if she would have had kids and she said this: "I love my daughters to death but if I was to make a choice now I wouldn't have had kids". That didn't helped much.

We did the dog thing about a year ago and although we take great care of him, I am not as "in love" as my hubby is about the dog. I think we would make great parents but it is not in me. My hubby is DYING to have kids and he is indeed a great human being.

I think that because I am over the age of 35, I am used to a certain level of comfort. In other words, I think I might be too selfish to care for a baby right now. Lots of people say that motherhood "kicks in" when you have your own child, but I have seen people which motherhood never "kicked in". I am afraid of that, I don't want resenting having a child.

What worries me about having a child is how society is so involved with YOUR OWN decisions on what is best for your child. I am afraid that if I discipline my kid that he/she would run to her teacher and then the cops will be knocking at my door. This has happened with 2 of my coworkers and scares the fk out of me. One of then had to go through marriage counseling and stress management courses because her child overheard an argument between her and her husband. They had to go to court for this and even the counselor said that although it might seem ridiculous that is the way the state works. I have lived my life doing the right thing and being a responsible citizen and now I have to worry about what my child might tell her teacher??? That put a lot of pressure in my decisions.

[grace0418]

86. So much of what you said rings true to me. I don't think the issues you describe

with people sticking their noses in your business are quite as pervasive in Chicago, but everything else is right on the money. One of my big fears around here are other parents and their over-indulged children. I cannot believe how many people think that the world must stop and cater to them because they've given birth, and they seem to pass that overinflated sense of entitlement and self-absorption on to their kids. It's *everywhere* in Chicago.

[dropkickpa]

82. I was 24 when Dropkid was spawned

And I was totally unprepared emotionally, financially, and relationship-wise. BUT, I love her more than anything I could imagine. I didn't decide to keep the pregnancy until I was 11 weeks along, at the last minute, it was an agonizing decision, but I felt it was the right one. I'd always thought that maybe someday I'd have kids, wanted them in a vague sorta way, but I had a surprise preg (due to my own carelessness, I readily admit).

For some reason, having Dropkid focused me, career-wise, in a way I don't think anything else could have. I had always kinda wanted to do what I do now, and had been kinda doing it, but it wasn't until I had her that I really accepted that a happy fulfilled person was what I totally wanted to be (and it the best thing for her to see). Before her I'd always figured I'd have plenty of time (didn't want kids before 30 at the earliest).

I would like to have more (DK is 6 now), but I think I'd be totally okay with just her, too.

Having a kid changes the way you percieve the world, in ways that you would totally not expect. Of course there are time where I was exhausted, fed up, and overwhelmed, but I found that the amazing wonderful times outnumbered them 1000 to 1. If I choose, I can get a totally fresh, awe-filled perspective on the most insubstantial things any time I want, just by going down to her level, looking at the world through her eyes.

Your priorities shift, and not how you'd expect. I could NEVER be a stay at home mom, I need the stimulation and fulfillment I get from work to feel complete, though I know many women who get that fulfillment from being stay at home mums. It's just not in my makeup to be that way.

I honestly believe that there is not one person or couple that is ever truly "ready" for having a child/ren, no matter what they think. It's like trying to describe swimming to a Sahara desert nomad, totally alien to any experience they'd ever had. I have spent my whole life around children/babies, but having your own is a COMPLETELY different thing.

I am a single parent, have been pretty much from her birth, but I don't really think that made things harder, just different.

I would not for one minute change having Dropkid. She has enriched my life in ways and areas that I never knew existed before I had her. I have certainly learned patience, which I had absolutely none of, and an empathy that I didn't ever have before has developed. But I also have an extremely pragmatic side that wasn't really there either.

The absolute biggest change has been the fact that I am no longer the center of the universe. I've learned, really and truly, that there are things outside of myself that are not just as worthy of my attention/passion, but perhaps moreso. Even in a relationship, the "I" part of it usually got prime consideration, even when I thought I was putting the other person first. I am both more and less selfish than I have ever been in my life. More in that I know, without a doubt, that things I desire/am passionate about really do matter (just not solely for me now), and I've found that the sacrifices I've made have actually enriched me. I am also, in a wierd way, correcting the "mistakes" my parents made even if I make all new mistakes).

I of course have doubts as to how good a mother I am, I, and no other mother, would be human otherwise. But I have to say, I am doing a surprisingly fantastic job if Dropkid is anything to go by. If I had decided that that doubt was strong enough, I would have had an abortion with no qualms.

I am one of 6 children. Some of us have chosen to be child-free, and I respect their decision and support if fully. I am (obviously) not one of them. This "works" for me, no matter how ambivilant I was at the outset.

[grace0418]

87. Thanks dropkickpa!

I really enjoyed reading your account, and it gave me a much-needed perspective. :hi:

[tigereye]

88. I was also about 37 when we decided to try

we had been a couple for a very long time, and were too busy prior to that with grad school and a band, and life in general. It was one of those 'Oh my god, we forgot to have children" moments, like the punk era t-shirt that was so popular.

I was expecting that there might be problems, but women in my family have a history of late life conceptions, so bam, we were pregnant right out of the gate.

I was glad that I waited, it has made me more patient with our son, who is now almost 11. Parenthood is a total change from non-parenthood and suddenly you have a small being who is totally dependent on you and that is daunting in itself. The first year or two is the hardest I think, and things continue to get easier. But it is a total change, and you have to adjust your way of living quite a bit. I think it is easier if you are older and have had plenty of time to be independent, travel, etc, since you have to plan more afterwards, obviously. I was from a large family and the oldest, so I think that may have made me not so much in a hurry - and why I only had one!

:)

I couldn't imagine life without my son, and he challenges and amazes and amuses me every day, in different ways. It has been a pleasure to see him grow up and now be able to argue politics with me! and ask really cool and insightful questions.

Kids are very cool, but I really think people shouldn't have one unless they really want to.

[grace0418]

89. Thanks tigereye! I spent the first decade after college being too poor to

do what I wanted (travel, etc.) and now I feel like I want a few more years to enjoy that before having a child. I guess I have to decide whether having a child at 41 or 42 is going to be alright with me if we do wait. And yeah, I definitely only want one as well. I'm glad you're having fun with him and I really appreciate you perspective.

[Karenina]

101. More considerations

Do you have enough money socked away IN YOUR NAME ONLY that you could support yourself and a child for AT LEAST 12-18 months?

Are you prepared to deal with another human being who may be dependent on you for your entire life? Are you prepared to put another's needs above yours for the rest of your life?

Do you feel secure that the society into which you bring a life is one which supports that life and yours?

Do YOU do most of the housework NOW? :evilgrin:

[Left Brain]

90. grace, I can tell you

that I truly was born to raise my three kids, and grandparenting their children is sweeter than anything I thought possible.

But that's me. What was right for me sure isn't the magic Rx for everyone.

So, what is it that YOU really want?

IMO, it takes someone very introspective and self-aware to know that they don't want the 24/7 responsibility of raising a child for 20-plus years. My own sister-in-law and her husband made that conscious decision some years back. They're wonderful people, great with kids, ideal role models. Is it "a shame" they chose as they did? Not at all! Just ask their nieces and nephews and the other children whose lives they've touched. Do they regret it? Shoot, these are two people who are thoroughly immersed in their lifestyle. They're happy! Who is to say that having children would or wouldn't have enhanced their lifestyle and happiness. No one can know that, no one.

It honestly sounds to me as though you are simply not ready. The "biological clock" argument and the fact that your husband is "antsy" are definitely not the right reasons to have a child. If you feel swayed to make the decision, take some time to find out what it is that YOU really want. Join a support group of women facing the same issues. Talk it over with people and practitioners you know and trust.

(((((grace0418))))) sending you hugs, because I can feel your dilemma.

[Generic Brad]

94. What worked for me may not work for you

Parenting has caused me to lose some things, but gain others. There is no right or wrong here. Do what you think is best. It's your body and your life. Do what you want with it and don't let anyone force you to do anything different.

[Lydia Leftcoast]

95. I don't have kids, but a friend of mine

who had wanted desperately to have children reported that when she finally got pregnant after several years of trying, she went into an absolute panic, because she realized that her life would never be the same again.

So I guess that ambivalence is natural, even if you're not REALLY ambivalent.

[REP]

96. It's Okay to Not Have Children

Having a chikld to please someone else -whether that be a partner or parent - is never the right reason to become a parent. If it doesn't feel right to you, it's okay to say no. You can't change your mind once you have a child and put it back annd have your life back the way it was.

[mike_c]

97. don't do it....

That's hard advice to give. I won't try to explain it in brief-- it's just not possible. All I can say is that if I were in your shoes, I wouldn't.

[Shell Beau]

98. I think it is great that you are questioning these things before having a child, but

I do have a question. Did you and your husband discuss having children before y'all got married? Because that is a huge deal. If my husband told me he didn't want children, as much as I love him, I may not have married him. HAving children is huge for me and I wonder if your husband feels the same!

[grannylib]

99. I think it's a very individual thing, too hard to generalize much, sorry!

I had my first at 19, not married, boyfriend fled the scene when he found out, and I loved that child more than I thought it was possible to love anyone or anything. I would not have thought that I was "ready" to have a child, and I surely made my share of mistakes, but she was great and I learned and we were as close as anyone could be until her death in '98.
My second was born just as my first marriage was ending; was very ambivalent about her birth because her father was SUCH a piece of shit (abusive, alcoholic asshole) and I really feared having to deal with him forever now that we were having this child in common. I love her dearly, but we are not as close as I was to my oldest, although as she gets older and is finally starting to grow up a bit (she's 26 going on 16 most days, *lol*) we are getting tighter.
My youngest was planned and is adored. My hubby's only biological child, although he was really the only dad my older daughter ever knew, and a much better dad than my ex, and he loved my girls like they were his own, so I was really blessed there.

It's so hard to predict...I was a grandmother twice over by the time I was your age (and I wouldn't trade THAT for the WORLD) so I am probably pretty biased!

You're the only one who can pick...and will find a way to live with whatever decision you make.

[LibDemAlways]

100. You've already been on the receiving end of a

lot of good (if sometimes contradictory) advice here.

That's because the decision to have children or not have children is so deeply personal and there is no one "right" answer.

I never intended to have children. Enjoyed my work and a lot of personal freedom the first 20 years of my marriage. Then, just before I turned 40, I realized I was pregnant and my life was going to change in very profound ways.

One look at my baby daughter and any fears I had about my parenting skills (or lack thereof) just melted away. There were moments, though, in those early days when I thought, "My God, what have I gotten myself into?" as she was one of those babies who hardly slept and wanted to be held constantly. Truly very high maintenance.

Fortunately, that infant stage is relatively short and before you know it, you are reluctantly letting go of the hand of a kindergartner on the first day of school. There are bad days when your child is sick or in pain or maybe just suffered a blow to the ego, and you'd do anything to make it better. There are good days when he gets an award or makes a new friend and you rejoice in his happiness. There are plenty of ups and downs.

My daughter is almost 14 and going to see Barney, Live on Stage is a distant memory. Now life is algebra homework and tickets to rock concerts - and she's not even in high school yet! Still, I look at every day as an adventure and try to remember what I went through when I was her age.

My daughter has travelled many places with us and allows us to see the world through younger eyes. She's a great companion and I can't imagine life without her.

You can chose not to have children and have a wonderful, full life with no regrets. Or you can have a child and have an equally wonderful, busy, and full life. I would never presume to give anyone advice about such a huge, life-changing decision. Follow your heart as well as your head and I'm sure you'll eventually make the right choice for you.

[philosophie_en_rose]

102. As a non-parent, I suggest borrowing kids.

Yes, yes. Kids are not commodities. However, I think that mentoring or even babysitting kids is a good way to learn if you're ready to parent and how you want to go about that. Giving a relative a day off and spending a day with your nieces, nephews, cousins, etc. is a good way to gauge your readiness to parent everyday.

Would your husband object to adopting or fostering an older child? There are so many kids that need good parents that aren't babies.

[Strawman]

105. That's a great suggestion

We're in our mid-30's and were unsure if we wanted to have kids or not until our little nephew came along last summer. We felt exactly like the OP. And I think I was more unsure than my wife. Spending time around him made us certain that we wanted children. Now we're trying. Spending time around a baby helps one get sense of what it is like to have a kid and decide if he/she wants that or not. It's ok if the answer is no. For me, it feels good to have found the answer.

And I don't accept the notion that one's life and dreams all have to end once a child arrives or that they sap people of all their ambition. I don't think self-nurturance and nurturing a child are mutually exclusive. That being said, one's energy is finite thing (at least mine is) and babies can take alot of it out of anyone. That's why spending time around a baby helps get a sense of how it will affect one's energy. Not all work is draining. I've left work feeling exhausted and dead inside after an 8 hour day and then went to do volunteer work or attend an interesting class for another 2-3 hours and left those sessions feeling alive and re-energized. A baby will might tire some people out and drain the ambition of some people, for others a baby might physically tire them out somewhat, but inspire them to pursue their dreams.

Also as you mention, fostering/adopting older children is a wonderful option that removes the false sense of urgency people in their mid-to-late thirties can sometimes feel. We're considering that as well.

[lildreamer316]

103. I did not know I was pregnant until I was 5 months along.

I had always said I didn't think I wanted children, mostly because I see it as a great responsibility, deserving of someone who is devoted to the task. I didn't think I was ready, or maybe would ever be. And, honestly; I'm a Leo and very independant.

Fortunately, I was VERY wrong.

Wouldn't trade it for anything; love love love it. Although, I must warn every potential parent; your life is never the same; because your heart now lives outside your body; in the form of that baby. This makes you both more vulnerable and stronger. It's wonderful; with the potential for pure hell. You sure do feel life more deeply; at least I do.

This is just my experience. YMMV; JMHO.

Good luck on your decision. I'm sure you'll be fine either way.

[Dastard Stepchild]

104. We're about to take the plunge....

I should say that in the next few months, we're about to take the plunge.

I can't say what exactly changed for me. I was extremely ambivalent about the idea for a very long time. I'll be 32 this year, and I would say that in the last year and a half, I have really put a tremendous amount of thought into this. It's certainly not a decision either of us took lightly.

I think it is, in part, a combination of good timing and being in a good financial place. But it's more than that, too. I've met some women that have radically redefined my own personal perceptions of motherhood. They wrote their own rules, created their own, personally satisfying family lives, and seemed to really enjoy the process. It was very different from the oppressive yolk that I had always assumed motherhood would be. It actually seemed to be a fascinating combination of challenging and sweetness. I enjoy my life, enjoy the husband, enjoy our families. I am at a place right now where starting a family fits in a very exciting way.

It's funny - I've always been one to chart my own path towards happiness and fulfillment, and for some reason, I thought this was not possible in parenthood. I have met women and their families that have proven my assumptions wrong, and that made all the difference for me. I tend to march to my own beat, in general, and I've given myself the permission to plan my family in this respect as well. So, I'll work because I love to, relegate the bulk of the childrearing to the husband because he is wonderfully nurturing, babywear and breastfeed til we want to stop, raise myself a little vegan and just try to soak it all in and enjoy it.

My best to you as you think this through. I think, barring some experiences with mothers in the past few years, I could have easily gone the other way. It's funny how you can be so ambivalent for so long and then, in one sweeping pause, have a moment of absolute clarity that sets your feet squarely down a path.