"Rescheduled" or "Canceled" Baby Shower Etiquette Question

[IdaBriggs]

Okay, this one is for the "Ms (or Mr) Manners" amongst you --

After eight years of infertility treatments and three miscarriages, we got pregnant with TWINS. Happiness! Joy! Etc.

My sisters scheduled a baby shower for me on February 25, 2007. They had wanted to do it earlier, but my pregnancy was high risk (which meant a lot of time on bedrest) and pretty miserable with hyperemesis ("super can't stop puking a lot").

I was hospitalized on February 20th, and ended up giving birth on February 24th. Yes, that is the day before the baby shower was scheduled, and it made my twins about five weeks early (if you use the "twins are full term at 36-38 weeks" calculation).

The reason they came early was that I was diagnosed with "severe pre-eclampsia", but I fought the doctor (who wanted me to have them on February 23rd) for the extra day. As my husband and I were struggling to evaluate the best medical decision for both the babies and myself (with the doctors freaking out about impending kidney failure, strokes, seizures and death) my beloved sisters began "baby shower wars" with everyone having a different opinion on whether it should be canceled, rescheduled, or held without me being there. My final word on the topic the night before my delivery was "I have other things to worry about at the moment and I'm not dealing with it right now!" The sister "in charge" wanted it held/videotaped (because she knew we hadn't done any shopping for the babies at that point while we waited to see what we needed to get AFTER the shower!), but another one canceled it behind her back, and snide comments were made by all of them to each other (four sisters/two sister-in-laws).

I followed up the "not dealing with it right now" prior to the emergency C-Section with the same statement with the caveat of "while my children are in the Neo-Natal Intensive Care Unit!" As preemies, we had to deal with 1) Ventilators, 2) Incubators, 3) IVs, 4) High Billy Rubin Counts, 5) Gavage Feeding, and 6) Preemie Anemia/Blood Transfusion, among other high stress factors. To be blunt, my energy was devoted to recovering from the C-Section/Pre-Eclampsia and being at the hospital with my children.

They are now both home -- my son was only hospitalized for 13 days, while my daughter was there for 19. She is on a low level of Oxygen and an Apnea Monitor. Today (Friday) they are 27 days old, and I couldn't be happier -- exhausted, but happy.

So, here is where the etiquette question comes in -- quite a few people have already given us the gifts they would have given at the baby shower. The babies CANNOT be around a lot of people (disease carrying wretches! smile!) until at a minimum AFTER their due date (which is somewhere between April 1st and mid April, depending if you use the "singleton" due date, or the "twin" due date). One hates to be greedy, but we could really use some of the "stuff" we would have been getting from the shower (especially the diapers), and since we are registered, we know certain items have been purchased already (even if we haven't seen the folks who got it for us yet), and the registry folks only do "store credit" if we end up with "double" stuff.

Also, several of my sisters aren't speaking at the moment due to the "baby shower war" that happened in the hallway at the hospital (fortunately kept from me at the time).

I'm already moving into "Mom" mode as opposed to "impending Mom mode" if you know what I mean, and part of me doesn't feel like a shower is appropriate at this point. Another part of me feels sad that I'm missing out on the "shower ritual" even if it is kind of a lame thing to have kind of been looking forward to, especially when I'm already so lucky that they are both healthy and at home.

My children aren't going to be naked or starved if the shower isn't held; I had just spent so many years "sucking it up" while dealing with the grief of infertility and still throwing/attending the showers of those I cared about that I was looking forward to kind of putting a satisfying ending to that particular demon, if you know what I mean, at my own. At the same time, there was stress involved with the whole thing because we don't speak to one side of my husband's family, and there was a lot of angst about whether to invite them, etc.

Honestly, I would appreciate the gifts -- I love the oohing/ahing over the cute little outfits people give you, and its one of the few times its socially acceptable to be public with the little wiggles of delight that tiny shoes and socks give me, as well as the practical stuff (like burp and wash cloths! can you EVER have enough of them?). But the babies are here, they can't do the public thing, and *if* the dratted thing ever gets rescheduled, a bunch of people have already given us their gifts, so it feels AWKWARD!

Opinions? Is it time to let that little dream go, and just concentrate on the happiness that comes with my two little bundles of joy?

Heaven help me -- I'm hormonal as anything! The whole thing just makes me so SAD!!! Its all tied up in my head with having to give up so much of the "normal" stuff during the eight year infertility battle, and then having to leave the hospital without them, and not being able to hold them after they were born, and do all of the other stupid, lame, NORMAL things I'd always dreamed about....don't get me wrong: I count my blessings regularly (ever have a doctor discuss whether or not your baby is going to have heart failure? shudder!), but there is a mourning for the loss of the way things were SUPPOSED to be that this stupid ass shower is starting to get tied up with in my head.

Its embarrassing how much it hurts sometimes. :( How can I feel so CHEATED out of a NORMAL pregnancy/birth experience??? And why is a shower such a big deal? Frankly, they are usually boring as ANYTHING!!!

ARGH! I am losing my mind!

:banghead:

[Midlodemocrat]

1. Well, from this Irish Catholic.

A lot of us didn't have showers until *after* the baby was here, superstition and all that.

I think you SHOULD have a shower. It'll be a wonderful memory for you and even if you get remarkably hideous baby clothes, hey, who cares?

I held a baby shower for one of my dearest friends two years ago *after* she had the baby for almost the same stuff you are talking about.

So, go for it. People will WANT you to have the stuff.

JMHO.

[hedgehog]

2. WHy not have a coming out party when they're stable enough to be exposed

to a lot of people? I don't think a baby outfit is going to break people. You might even want to ask for baby clothes to be donated to a group that helps poor mothers or some such so it doesn't feel like you're double dipping.

Just don't tell people where you are registered on the invitations!(That's a joke left over from the wedding invitation wars!)


Enjoy your babies and remember that nothing with children ever goes as planned!

[MonkeyFunk]

3. Your situation

gives you a perfect excuse to have a "truncated" shower. Like one hour. Skip the silly games, let people ooh and ahh over the babies, have a glass of punch and get the hell out.

People will understand, and you still get the loot.

[Bridget Burke]

4. A friend had her baby ahead of schedule.

Although her medical situation wasn't as complicated as yours. The kid only stayed in the hospital a couple of days. So we had the shower as planned--with the baby in attendance.

By all means, have the shower! Open the presents! If your kids aren't up to attending yet, people can always visit them later. (If your sisters aren't up to attending--perhaps they need to mature a bit, too.)

You can even have a glass of wine, if you wish.

[BluePatriot]

5. I think a shower's OK

Anyone that is snitty about etiquette considering what happened with your babies needs to grow up. Call it a "Baby Shower Rainout" party and hold it somewhere away from the kids with them not in attendance. Inject doses of humor. These things happen and I sense people will find it not only acceptable but memorable.

Invitation idea:

"When it rains, it pours!

You are invited to a Belated Baby Shower for IdaBriggs.

Our little ones came early
and we're so glad they're well!
Let's celebrate good fortune
as our plans went straight to !@#$!"

[Phentex]

11. Cute idea!

I think the shower would be fun, but I'd leave the babies at home and just have plenty of cute pictures on hand. I think most people would like this idea.

[skygazer]

6. You feel cheated because everything came the hard way

It's tough to see other people seemingly floating easily through all this stuff while with you, it's been a struggle the whole way, up to and including having the little darlins. And when you're struggling, all those traditional trappings hit you right in the emotional place because you want so bad - not necessarily want the "stuff" (though of course that's handy) but the whole emotional package.

Have the shower. Definitely. And maybe it can be arranged so you can go elsewhere for it and leave the babies with dad or another relative so they're not exposed to anything.

And your sisters should be ashamed of themselves for getting so snippety riled up over something like a shower when the most important thing was your health and that of the babies.

[Ilsa]

7. Hey Ida Briggs, Congratulations on those babies!

And isn't that the important thing?

Anyway, I remember my pre-eclampsia from my first pregnancy. Awful experience. Full term 10 lb 4 oz baby. I was in the hospital for a week though, trying to get my body systems back to working right. I was on blood pressure meds for the next month. So please manage your BP if it isn't down all the way yet. Sounds like family might be raising your BP.

For the babies, you need to follow your instincts. As a nurse, I think it is a good idea to keep them reasonably sequestered, requesting that visitors wash their hands, etc, but I don't think they should be around a shower until the neonatologist says it is okay, at least to a full term baby's due date and maybe a wee bit beyond. Remember, they aren't the ones that would have to be up all night with a sick baby or taking him or her to the hospital.

I'm sorry the sisters are fighting. They need to remember that none of them is going to be as great of a hostess as Martha Stewart, so they should stop trying to compete like that and let you and your darling babies have the attention you deserve. If your friends and family want to, they can bring the gifts by and drop them off now. Then YOU and your SO throw a little get-together (cheap cookout, serve wine and beer) for all of these friends and family to let them know how much you appreciate them.

I'm very happy for you. Let me know if you need any breastfeeding stuff or help. I'm a supplier.

[Maddy McCall]

8. The same thing happened to me...

MMjr. came early. The hostesses of the shower (not my family members--my family wasn't involved in any way) called and asked me when a convenient time for me would be to reschedule. I gave them a date that was when MMjr. was a month old, and then I went ALONE to the shower...I did NOT take him.

It was flu season, and a really bad flu season that year...no one expected me to bring my new baby. I had a lovely shower. I took a photo album of my son, and people passed it around and oohed and aahed at it. These days, you could make a video of you and your husband at home with the babies, and play the video for the guests.

Let your hostesses (sisters?) know when you can do the shower...give them a couple of dates when you will be available. Then let them send out invitations. It is a SHOWER, so people know that it's a gifting event. You can have your hostesses state on the invitation that "If you've already given a gift, please come anyway for food and fun."

[MissB]

9. Given all that you've already gone through...

Call one of the six women involved (choose the most level headed) and ask that if they still want to throw you a baby shower, you'd welcome one in about two months. Pencil in a Saturday that is convenient for you.

Everyone involved should understand that with preemies and medical issues, now is NOT the time to be passing the babies around a room of disease vectors (guests). People that have bought you something and haven't given it to you yet can return it and buy something slightly bigger (they'll understand!)

If rescheduling for a later time works, great. If they still want to call it a shower, great. Just because some of them have already given you gifts doesn't mean you need to feel awkward. Those people can still show up to ooh and ahh over your precious babies.

[Rabrrrrrr]

10. All you can do is wait, in the hopes that either someone will schedule a party,

or will realize that presents still have yet to be given and she will get out the word to make sure that people give them to you.

One cannot ask for a gift.

I am thankful and glad to hear the babies are doing well! At the beginning of the story, I was expecting something horrific at the end. Whew!!

And I'm sorry to hear that some of the women in your life couldn't let go their egos and immaturity to help make things more pleasant for you.

Hopefully you will soon end up with all the benefits of a baby shower, but without the pain of having to actually endure one of the fuckin' things.

:7

[Gormy Cuss]

12. Ugh. This is a good illustration of why family isn't supposed to host showers.

You can still have a shower. Bring a photo album and place it on the coffee table. For those who have already sent gifts, it's up to them to decide whether they feel obligated to gift a second time, or just come knowing that you are already appreciating their gift. Of course, if they ask the hostess, the answer is "just bring yourself."

Or, as some have suggested, give up on the traditional shower event and host a party yourself later in the year to introduce the kids to the world. If you choose this option, the hostesses of the planned shower could shoulder the duty of informing those invited to the shower of the new plans, and again it's up to the invitees to decide on gifting.

[ScreamingMeemie]

13. I was diagnosed with pre-eclampsia, my baby came early. I DID have

a normal pregnancy/birth experience. I think you need to work on that first, to be honest. I have had late term losses and had to work on not feeling cheated out of those pregnancies. Anytime you reach an end goal, you are in the win column. Be happy for that. Two beautiful babies. Trust me, I only had one shower for my oldest (8 years before the 2nd) and it wasn't much to write home about. It's all about the baby at the end of the day.The frills are just that...frills.