I am NOT NOT NOT ready for this

[China_cat]

My 17 year old grandson just told his father that his girlfriend is pregnant. The child is insisting the girl not even consider abortion or adoption and is asking his father (who has MS) to help him raise the baby.

This is a kid who couldn't be bothered to feed, water and walk his dog without being threatened 6 ways from Sunday.

My son has MS that is progressing faster than expected, his ex-wife is a raving maniac who kicked her oldest son out when her boyfriend was beating the shit out of him (rather than get rid of the boyfriend). This kid isn't equipped to take care of himself, let alone a baby.

Nothing I can do about it unless I want to totally alienate my grandson but damn! This is just not a good thing.

[Midlodemocrat]

1. Is there anything you can do to help?

And, maybe he'll surprise you and be responsible. It does happen.

:hug:

[pitohui]

4. no, it doesn't, not really

maybe he'll surprise you and be responsible. It does happen.



i've never seen it happen in all these years and beers

it sure as hell don't happen when grandparent and parents enable

they need to cut off the grandson financially TODAY -- if he's old enough to make babies, he's old enough to earn

[China_cat]

8. The only thing I'm offering is emotional support

and walking a fine line on that. I will NOT in any way attempt to help raise a great-grandchild. Not financially, not in my home. But I want my grandson to know that even he screwed up big time...which he did...I can still love him and believe that he can make this as right as is possible.

[Midlodemocrat]

11. *sigh* of course it happens.

And if grandparents and parents are helpful, it'll happen all the sooner.

[La Lioness Priyanka]

2. really sorry.

:hug:

[pitohui]

3. why wouldn't you want to totally alienate your grandson?

seriously, it sounds like he wants to be the balla with a baby but have everybody else raise the baby

the girl should get a termination, failing that, the baby should be put out for adoption

your son with MS should not be asked to raise the child, nor should you, because of your grandson's bad planning

my opinion only of course but in situations like these i'm afraid i do NOT offer any help of time or money because it becomes an endless drain and i simply can't afford it financially

the grandson is not just screwing up his own life, he is throwing a cloud over the remaining years of your son's life, that's fairly shitty if you ask me

[China_cat]

6. Because he's been damaged enough by people

(mainly his mother) throwing him out of their lives. And this is just one of the results. I am optimist enough to at least hope that knowing there's someone who loves him despite his screwups that will help him get his shit together.

[pitohui]

7. unfortunately that's pretty much enabling

all i can say then is that i am sorry

people don't get their shit cleaned up by having other people clean up after their shit

[Zuiderelle]

14. There are ways to help without enabling.

You can help people learn how to clean up their shit without cleaning it up yourself.

I don't understand how you could recommend alienating the grandchild. And people DO change, I'm sorry that that has not been your experience.

[Name removed]

19. Deleted message

Message removed by moderator. Click here to review the message board rules.

[Ariana Celeste]

22. heh

:thumbsup:

[China_cat]

26. Nope, they don't

however, telling them what a piece of shit they are and you'll no longer have anything to do with them doesn't help, either.

You don't let a kid know that there's no way you can love them for spilling a glass of milk while you clean up the mess. But saying 'I love you, the paper towels and floor cleaner are under the sink' lets them know that they have responsibilities for their own messes but are still worthwhile people.

[auntAgonist]

5. I'm so sorry ..

It's a frightening situation all around. Don't alienate your grandson, help as much as you're able.

I have no sage advice.

one grandma to another.

aA

[Kajsa]

9. Your grandson sounds like a youngster who

immature and selfish.

Sorry to be so blunt, but it needed to be said.

He's not thinking of the welfare of the baby,
no matter what he says. He's thinking of himself,
and he's proven that he cannot take care of another
living being-not yet.

What about the girl's parents?
Where do they stand in this picture and
how willing are they to help?

[China_cat]

10. Oh, I agree with you that he's immature and selfish

but that doesn't mean he's garbage. I know it's not popular to say you can love someone when you don't particularly like what they're doing...that you're supposed to just cut them off and let them know that they are a pile of shit and you have no use for them...but all I have to give him is my love. That's all he's getting.

The girl's parents don't know yet. I'm really hoping that they will be a source of sanity in this whole sorry mess.

[madrchsod]

13. well that looks like that`s going to be your

first big test-been there and it worked out..good luck.

[Kajsa]

20. You're doing the right thing.

Giving him your love is what he needs.

He's not a pile of sh*t, nor should he be cut off.

Just let him know that he needs to make some important
decisions here. The second step is he needs to take responsibility
for those decisions, not hand that part over to someone else.

There's no need to "cut them off, pile of sh*t, have no use for them".
Who in the hell said that?

You can disagree with him without disowning him.

[China_cat]

25. Read some of the other comments in this thread.

[Kajsa]

28. Sorry,I now see what you're talking about.

Regarding the other comments-

To hell with that bad advice.
It looks like it's coming from a place
with little/no real knowledge of the situation.

You've got it right, China-cat!

Your family is fortunate to have you.

[madrchsod]

12. i`ve been in a similar situation as what is happening to you

i`ll offer you this advice..help them the best you can,give advice if they ask,and do not judge. always stay neutral even though you know the truth,make it clear that they are to respect your right not to help them or cannot even if you could. always treat them as adults even though they are children. you can only hope that someday they will surprise you.. i was`t ready either but after 5-6 years everything has worked out and the granddaughter is now a cheerleader and a all around great kid. so do`t feel that you are alone there`s a lot of people just like us -having to step in whether we like it or not to help raise our grandkids no matter what the age....

[Hand]

15. Well, here's one possibility. It's a long shot.

I believe it's called "Baby, Think It Over." It's a baby doll that acts like a baby--i.e., wakes up howling at all hours, MUST be fed, changed, etc., at the right intervals, demands total care, and (possibly) can get sick and even die if neglected. Don't know if the kid would be open to this, but I hear that it's averted a lot of teen preggers.

Best I can think of. Although the military will gladly take him on to face death, he's not a man yet and isn't ready for a man's responsibility... but you probably know that already.

Best of luck in any case. I don't know how I'd manage this in your position--only other possibility is to be in touch with her parents ASAP and see if you can work with them. I can't imagine that they'll want this for their daughter.

[China_cat]

16. You know, that doll sounds like a good idea.

I'll send the idea on to his dad. (This stress is definitely not helping the MS)

[Hand]

17. Here's the company web site.

http://www.realityworks.com/

Hope this helps! And special <<BE WELL>> wishes to your son. :hug:

ON EDIT: Better info here: http://www.solutions-site.org/kids/stories/KScat3_sol72.htm

I gather that a lot of organizations (Planned Parenthood, maybe?) offer programs using this.

[Bunny]

18. I think your son and grandson need to have a meeting with the

girl and her parents ASAP(if she is also under 18). She and her parents will have their own ideas about bearing/raising a baby. While it's nice that your grandson wants to step up, these things seem to leave the young mothers with a disproportional amount of responsibility, and the girl (and her family) may just not be ready for that.

[jobycom]

21. I can sympathize

My fifteen year A student niece just dropped out of high school and got pregnant by a 21 year old man half a state away, who has been in and out of jail. Her mother--my sister--is an alcoholic who can't take care of herself, and who made our mother raise her own children. The father isn't worth mentioning, wherever the hell he is. My mother is now having to care for my father, who is partly disabled from a recent stroke, and everyone knows she will be expected to raise this new child.

This niece's mother (my sister, though I'm not happy calling her that) won't let the niece get an abortion, even though she has no religious bone in her body. She won't report the man to the police. The only thing I like about what she's doing is that she's blackmailing the father, telling him if he doesn't take care of the baby, he will go to jail. On the other hand, this same woman never bothered going after her deadbeat husband for child support, even though he makes decent money when not in prison. Once again, she'll expect our mother to fix everything for her, with the few dollars she has left from her retirement plans.

My mother had cut ties with the niece before she found out she was pregnant, over the niece misusing a car and cell phone Grannie had given her--obviously contacting the boyfriend, though she didn't know that at the time. She has refused to re-establish ties until the niece apologizes to her for shoving her and for other things... You get the idea, it's a mess, and my poor niece is going to wind up completely alone at 16 with a baby and drunk convict boyfriend exactly like the father she has always hated.

Such is life, I guess.

[ScreamingMeemie]

23. While I was 19 when I did something similar to what your niece has

done, it ended up being the best thing that could have happened to me in hindsight. Yes, I grew up right along side my daughter. It was rough, but I'm glad for it. Why am telling you this? Because it might be okay joby. I know it hurts, but it may end up better than the worst case scenario.

:hug:

[GenDem]

29. I agree with you, Mrs Grumpy

Coming from another voice of experience. I got pregnant when I was 18. I did marry my boyfriend who is now my husband of almost 30 years. We were both pretty f'ed up at the time, too. We worked minimum wage jobs, and my husband was addicted to alcohol. It seemed hopeless, but after early years of struggle we both grew up, Mr Gen got sober, and we made a nice home for our family.

Not saying that this happens with all, or even half, but sometimes things work out.

I would try to be supportive, emotionally, and see how things turn out.

[Deep13]

24. Talk to the girl directly about an abortion.

Don't include the grandson in the conversation. Explain the realities of life to her.

Just some unsolicited advice.

[Madspirit]

27. My opinion

No one who doesn't want an abortion should EVER be pushed to have one.

I think you can be supportive without suffering.

What about the girl's family and the girl's capabilities?

His school? Aid for families with dependent children? Counseling?

There is help out there. These kids don't have to do this alone, even if the family cannot help.
Lee

[Deep13]

32. "No one who doesn't want an abortion should EVER be pushed to have one. "

In principal, I agree. Still, she is a child herself and is probably (note the lack of certainty) not in a position to make a reasonable, informed judgment. If she decides to keep it out of some misguided sentimentality, she will ruin any chance to have a decent life. Also, it will ruin the grandson's life and most likely the baby's too. There is one objectively correct decision here and if I knew her I'd brow-beat her into making it. It will be too late when she knows better.

Honestly, my advice to the OP's infirmed son would be to wash his hands of the situation. Whatever problems the young couple has, at least they are not physically infirmed.

[China_cat]

34. Choice works 2 ways.

It's her right to choose. And I don't think my grandson should be pushing for her to carry if she decides otherwise. My son and I are in complete agreement on that.

But this kid is still trying to break through the neuroses his mother loaded him with in his first 10 years. (Birth control is bad, abortion should be banned and anyone who has one should be shot, if you fly you'll die, if you talk back to your mother you're insane and must take psychotropic drugs...at 10 she had him on ritalin and depakote.)

Washing our hands of the situation just isn't an alternative, although neither of us is about to take on the responsibility for it. A fine line to walk. But it also wouldn't be responsible to allow this 17 year old to quit school and try to find work (as he wants to do) in order to 'support' this pregnancy.

[Gormy Cuss]

30. I hope that it works out for the best, whatever happens.

I'm sorry. It's never easy but sometimes it's okay.

[GoddessOfGuinness]

31. How far along is she?

And how come this kid thinks he's in a position to insist anything of his girlfriend?

Is there any possibility of the baby being adopted? You're right...It would not be good for your grandson or his girlfriend to become parents at this time in their lives. He needs therapy, not a babydoll to help him feel loved.

[Lydia Leftcoast]

33. He needs a reality check about raising a baby

I like the idea of the doll. The other thing is a bit of actual babysitting--say, a two-year-old. Then remind him that the responsibility that wears him out so much and cuts into his TV and video game time is for the long haul.

The fact that he can't even take care of a dog is not a hopeful sign.

[China_cat]

35. I emailed him and reminded him

that if he wants to raise this child, it's 24 hours a day, 7 days a week, 52 weeks a year...for AT LEAST the next 18 years. That his stepmother won't allow his child in her house and his dad's in no shape to counter that since the only thing keeping him alive right now is being carried on her health insurance. That I don't like kids, he knows I don't babysit, and my house would have to be torn down and rebuilt before it'd be suitable for a baby. And he knows what his mother would do. (Which is why we are to keep it from her at all costs)

I sent him a list of things to check out...housing costs, utility costs, pre-natal care and delivery, cost of USED baby equipment, cost of clothing and diapers etc. Then told him to figure out how he'd afford it on what work he'd be able to get as a high-school drop-out (if any). Meaning something like dishwashing at minimum wage if he's lucky. And reminded him that neither his dad nor I could help with finances and that his girlfriend would be lucky if her parents would invite -HER- to dinner once a month because they probably had bigger plans for her future than a baby at 16.

We can't make this decision for them but we can point out options.