Any other mothers with no outside lives?

[momophile]

I seemed to have lost all my local friends. I've lost my identity. My independence. I am so lonely sometimes. And sometimes I cry. I need a hug.:cry:

[hunter]

1. I'm a stay at home dad...

:hug:

How old are your kids? Mine are teens now.

[momophile]

2. thanks for the hug.

my girl is just 16-months old.

how did/do you deal with it? Do you get out?

[hunter]

I carried them everywhere.

Shopping for groceries was like a treat! It was hard because our nearby friends didn't have children, and our families were far away.

Friends without kids never understand what a chore it is even to do simple things. Sometimes it takes forever just to get ready for a simple outing!

When my oldest got to be a little over two, a friend of ours arranged a play group with her own kids and some other moms she knew. I was the only dad in a group of moms, but it really helped to have people to talk with, and to arrange for babysitting so my wife and I could go out without kids at least once a month.

It really was a full time job, 24-7, until they were in school, and I didn't get anything else done, no writing, no nothing. I felt lucky when I got enough sleep!

But now I sort of miss it. Babies are sweet, and you can hold them to comfort them, or to keep them out of trouble. Teenagers can be a lot more, um, interesting, but sometimes not in a good way!

[w8liftinglady]

3. right now,i work every weekend

here's a hug.my boys need me.No friends,except my boyfriend.I feel your pain,sister.

[momophile]

5. here's a hug right back atcha

:hug: Hang in there.

[CaliforniaPeggy]

4. My dear momophile......

C'mere, sweetie........:hug: :hug: :hug: :hug:

I don't fit in your category, but I can still have empathy for your situation......

There was a time, early in my marriage, when I was a stay-at-home mom....

I figured out what I could do while my child was small....

I joined the League of Women Voters, and got a sitter when I went to meetings....

And getting out that way, to interact with my peers, was wonderful...

[w8liftinglady]

7. I hear ya

I write a HUGE amount of letters to the editor,and get out on Thursdays with like minded folks.It's my sanity.

[CaliforniaPeggy]

10. That is exactly right!

Good on ya!

Your child/ren will benefit too........it helps to have a sane mom!

:yourock:

[momophile]

8. thanks so much, CaliforniaPeggy

I immediately looked up the local League of Women Voters. Seems like a great idea to join something like that.

I do have a book club that I get to every other month. I need some more hobbies.

Thanks so much for understanding, and it sounds like you know exactly where I am coming from.:hug: :hug: :hug: :hug:

[CaliforniaPeggy]

12. Wow, I am so glad you did that!

It is one of the most reputable organizations evah!

I remember those days.......even though they are long gone.......

You will get through them!

You go, girl! :pals:

[Tsiyu]

6. Woman!

I'm a certified hermit these days, but in my days of motherhood (six kids) I had those moments as well.

I learned the hard way that time to myself was a gift to my kids, since they had a more relaxed mom who wasn't so burned out she couldn't think straight.

Now, if you have wee little ones, it's hard to find people you trust to keep them so you can get away, but I highly recommend finding another competent caregiver and getting the hell out of Kiddy Dodge on a regular basis.

One of my friends worked out a deal with her husband so that he had the kids every Saturday so she could have that day to herself. Maybe you could find another mom or dad in the same boat who would trade days with you. Or find a daycare or church that will keep the kids for a "mom's morning out" deal.

The one thing I can say is that they grow up real fast and you WILL forget this lonely time. It will get better, I promise. But make some time for yourself, take some class you enjoy or just get out for a nice walk or join a club or a volunteer organization that won't take up a lot of your precious time but will get you socializing with other adults.

And you always have us freaks at DU, so you're never really alone!!!!!! :grouphug:

[momophile]

14. you make a good point

about being burned out. Things will get better for me soon, but right now I feel overwhelmed.

You are absolutely right about having DU as friends! Thanks!

[crim son]

9. I felt that way for years.

I picked up every hobby you can think of, trying to stave off the boredom and feelings of pointlessness. The thing is, it gets better. When your child is very young time seems to plod but as they get older you won't believe how fast they grow up. You've probably heard it before: believe it! My best advice to you would be to FORCE the issue: demand a night, a few hours a day, or whatever you need to just be you. Reconnect with old friends or join a playgroup or take up yoga or something. I've done it all and it helped. Never forget that unless you are happy and fulfilled, your child will not be getting the best from you. :hug: Hang in there, momophile.

[momophile]

34. thanks so much for posting

yoga sounds good right about now. especially since I ache everytime I pick my girl up. and thanks for the hug.:hug:

[opiate69]

11. Actually, my wife is having similar issues..

so, here's a hug for both of you.

:grouphug:

[momophile]

35. thank you so much for the group hug

I hope your wife is hanging in there. let her know that she isn't alone.:grouphug:

[SeattleGirl]

13. I remember that feeling.

It was made worse when family and friends would call and ask, "How's the baby?" and NEVER ask how I was doing. Like, you become a mother and cease being a person or something. I always make sure I ask how a friend is doing before I ask about her/his baby. Several have told me that I was the first person who cared to ask how THEY were doing, and not just go into talking about the baby.

I understand how you feel, momophile. :hug:

[mainegreen]

18. I hear that.

"How's the baby?"
Good.
"Great! Bye."

.....

[momophile]

36. it's so true

"the baby is fine. oh, and I am fine too in case you were wondering."

thanks for understanding and for the hug.:hug:

[Writer]

15. Oh honey I am so sorry...

:hug:

Family structure can negate the woman's identity at times. I do hope you have a supportive husband who can help you carve out a niche for yourself once again.

:hug:

[momophile]

37. if you are still checking in, Writer, thanks

thanks for the hugs and thanks for the support. take care out there.:hug:

[Beausoir]

16. SAHM mom of 5 here...my best advice is that it won't always be like this.

It will get better as the kids get older.

This sounds preachy, I know, but whenever I get really down about my life, I gather up some toiletries, fleece throws or manicure sets from Walgreens and donate them to the Women's Shelter in my town. I am immediately jerked back to reality.

Can you and your SO shedule a regular date-night? We started that years ago and I think it has saved me.

[BarenakedLady]

17. Yes...

:hug: :hug: :hug: :hug:

[LaraMN]

19. When my oldest was very little, I had no life.

I had no friends where I lived, no car, no job, no way to go anywhere, ever, by myself. I lived on a horribly busy road, too, so even taking a stroller walk with my little guy was difficult. It sucked- I'm a very social person and I was so horrendously miserable. I was very depressed for about the first two years after I became a mom. I can't really say that things got better (socially) until we moved a few times. I have more friends than I have time to spend with them, now. I think joining some kind of group/activity sounds like a very good idea. It's definitely harder to enjoy the experience of being a Mom, when you're isolated and unhappy.

Big hugs!
:hug:

[MorningGlow]

20. Well, first, develop a crush on Steve from "Blue's Clues"

And then you move on to his replacement, Joe, who is cuter but isn't as goofy (a trait which can be quite endearing). Now, if you prefer, you can dither over which four of the Wiggles is even kind of cute...

Just trying to get you to smile. :hug:

I know how you feel, although I'm not a SAHM right now. I went out on disability when MG Jr. was about a year old--too much to deal with--kid not sleeping and a full-time job and a long commute. Those six weeks were necessary for my sanity but there were times I felt like I had traded one kind of madness for another. And sometimes I wanted to give the kid back to grandma and deal with the assholes at work instead.

It DOES get better. In fact, I am on the verge of quitting my job and freelancing so I can stay home with Jr. again. Sometimes I get scared, thinking I'm going to go stir crazy again, but I will take steps to avoid it.

Rule #1: GET OUT of the house. That's what strollers are for. Fling the kid in it and go for a walk--outside if it's nice, in a mall if it's not. And find a local mommy group--there are a lot of resources online.

And bend our ears here, of COURSE! :)

Hang in there, momophile! :hug: :hug: :hug:

[Left Is Write]

24. No, no - not one of the four Wiggles (though I'd choose Anthony)...

It's Captain Feathersword who used to float my boat (so to speak).

[MorningGlow]

26. Too right

As those Australian folks say. We are of like mind on that one!

Arrrr...

[malta blue]

21. I was a SAHM for 3 years

on a 40 acre parcel of land with NO neighbors. I almost lost my mind. Try this website for some ideas...
http://www.hipmama.com/

I used it during that time. The people I met were very nice.

:hug: :hug: :hug:

For all the times that you need them....feel free to PM me anytime:pals:

[reyd reid reed]

22. I know *exactly* how you feel.

When you feel like you don't have anyone to just pick up the phone and talk to about something other than kids. When you don't know How to talk about something other than kids. When your kids are small and you find yourself listening to things like Disney Sing-along tapes in the car -- when you're by yourself. When your kids are older and you're so used to the Disney Sing-along tapes that you STILL listen to them. When you find yourself talking to the cashier at the grocery store because she knows you better than most people. At least she sees you more often. When you find yourself carrying on conversations in three-word sentences -- with other adults. When you manage to converse with other adults.

I have no life. I haven't for years. I want to find mine, but it seems to have disappeared into a void of diapers and potty-training and homework and car pools.

*sigh*

I know. And I've got a whole bunch of hugs for you.

:hug::hug::hug::hug::hug::hug::hug::hug::hug::hug::hug::hug::hug::hug::hug:
:hug::hug::hug::hug::hug::hug::hug::hug::hug::hug::hug::hug::hug::hug::hug:
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:hug::hug::hug::hug::hug::hug::hug::hug::hug::hug::hug::hug::hug::hug::hug:
:hug::hug::hug::hug::hug::hug::hug::hug::hug::hug::hug::hug::hug::hug::hug:
:hug::hug::hug::hug::hug::hug::hug::hug::hug::hug::hug::hug::hug::hug::hug:
:hug::hug::hug::hug::hug::hug::hug::hug::hug::hug::hug::hug::hug::hug::hug:
:hug::hug::hug::hug::hug::hug::hug::hug::hug::hug::hug::hug::hug::hug::hug:
:hug::hug::hug::hug::hug::hug::hug::hug::hug::hug::hug::hug::hug::hug::hug:
:hug::hug::hug::hug::hug::hug::hug::hug::hug::hug::hug::hug::hug::hug::hug:
:hug::hug::hug::hug::hug::hug::hug::hug::hug::hug::hug::hug::hug::hug::hug:
:hug::hug::hug::hug::hug::hug::hug::hug::hug::hug::hug::hug::hug::hug::hug:
:hug::hug::hug::hug::hug::hug::hug::hug::hug::hug::hug::hug::hug::hug::hug:

[Left Is Write]

23. I made friends at my children's school, which really helped.

One of them became my closest girlfriend ever, and her two youngest are the same ages as my two youngest.

Three months ago, I took a part time job at my gym (the biggest benefit is that now my gym membership is free!), and I've gotten to know quite a few people that way.

How old are your kids? Can you get to know anyone through their schools or activities? If they're in school, could you take some time for yourself each week to volunteer somewhere or take a part time job? If they're too young for you to do that, are there any clubs for stay-home moms in the area? Or a public library that offers storytime for kids? These are all things that can get you out of the house and interacting with other adults.

I really do know how you feel. I quit work to stay home in 1998, and I went through many periods of feeling lonely and isolated. :hug:

[Fleshdancer]

25. My resolution for 2007 is to find and keep a life this year

At the end of 2006 I took a hard look at my life and came to the conclusion that I wasn't thriving in any way. It's ridiculously easy to get so wrapped up in taking care of your kid(s) and others at the expense of yourself, isn't it?

Not this year though. I vow to be somewhat selfish and without guilt. I'm already reaching out to old friendships I have been neglecting and I'm thinking of ways to make new friends and to step out of my usual "comfort zone". Life is too short to feel so sad and isolated.

:hugs:

Just remember that you don't have to be so alone. I'm sure we can come up with some fun ways to get you out there again.

[sanityraines]

27. I completely understand how you feel...

I've here for four years now and it gets harder and harder for me to be passionate about anything anymore. I still have my music and my husband is wonderful when I run to him with an over abundance of depression. I have no car and only one friend that actually takes the time to come visit me and talk about things other than kids. Sometimes I feel like I've been isolated from the rest of the world for so long perhaps my IQ just didn't advance with theirs, so I feel intellectually inadaquate. I thought jumping on forums like the DU and the AN would at least keep me informed but then I find I just talk to myself all day. My youngest will be starting school for the first time next year and I'm scared to death what that will mean for me. I'm still fighting the insanity of cabin fever, though, and I can't really think of anything else to pursue that will hold my interest. I'm checking out the LoWV right now, too. Perhaps I'll find some answers there. I have to say it's really comforting to know I'm not alone in this as I thought I was for the last four years. I have lots of hugs for all of us.

:grouphug::grouphug::grouphug::grouphug::grouphug::grouphug::grouphug:
:grouphug::grouphug::grouphug::grouphug::grouphug::grouphug::grouphug:
:grouphug::grouphug::grouphug::grouphug::grouphug::grouphug::grouphug:
:grouphug::grouphug::grouphug::grouphug::grouphug::grouphug::grouphug:
:grouphug::grouphug::grouphug::grouphug::grouphug::grouphug::grouphug:

Thanks, I really needed this thread. I hope I can make some friends here since this is the first time I've posted. hehehe

[Midlodemocrat]

28. Welcome to DU!

And you will make friends here. Some of the nicest people on the net post in the lounge.

:hug:

[tigereye]

29. it does get better

make a point to go out, even if just you and offspring.... you will feel better. It does looks better when you occasionally leave the house! THere are Mommy and Me classes, etc. Even a trip to the coffee shop was good when I had a toddler.


I lost a few friends who didn't understand the MOM thing, sometimes you just have to make some new friends.

Hang in there.

:hug:

[lildreamer316]

30. YEP.

Did not help that husband wrecked our family car last April(no comp insurance=no car). Then I was REALLY stuck! We just got another car with a backseat a month ago-but now it's about the same because husband has to drive that one to work an hour away because the smaller car needs work. Aaaaaaaaaaugh! Family lives two hours away and the last babysitter I had (except a very sporadic other one) came over to sit and stole $200 worth of makeup from me.
I looooooooove to go grocery shopping and tan. It's a treat to get to go to a club; which I've actually managed to do twice in the last month.
My son is three. He'll probably be put in preschool come the fall; and then I'll be a bit more free.
Thank goodness for 24 hour grocery stores and DU!!!!
I feel your pain-but I do love having him so close and so young--he's mama's boy. I do treasure it.
:hug:

[riderinthestorm]

31. I've been there and I remember how hard it was

I live in a rural area so I always felt really isolated and alone when my kids were small. We didn't have money for a sitter when my oldest was very young and we only had one car which meant that I was crazy with loneliness and grief at my loss of independence (and you have lost your independence and it does hurt. You are a mom now and for some people like me - you?, it took a long time to come to grips with the fact that this needy child was mine forevermore. Don't get me wrong, I wanted her, loved her but there were days when it was really hard to cope with this transition.)

When my daughter was 6 months old I insisted to my husband that I had to get an hour/day for myself - that saved me! Use your hour wisely and make sure you do things that have meaning for you and allow you to re-connect with who you are: coffee with a friend, jogging, even going to the grocery store alone! Make sure you get an hour/day just for you.

No car or money for a sitter? Put your baby in a carrier backpack and walk. I found that getting out of the house was immensely powerful, even if it was under my own steam. Or get one of those bike trailers and get out if the kids are old enough for that method of transport. I found I rode my bike with the bike trailer all over the place to alleviate my boredom.

Mcdonald's playlands are a haven on rainy/cold days and there are always other moms and dads in your situation there. Library story time is the same. I discovered volunteering at the local resource center satisfied my need to do something worthwhile and satisfying (I help out in the food pantry but there are/were other areas that may strike your fancy) while getting me out of the house and socializing with others. I always brought (still bring) my kids - places like this are very kid friendly. Get involved with political campaigns - people will pick you up to get you to come help address cards, put stamps on etc. Your kids can help with a lot of tasks, even if they are very young, and you will be surrounded with like-minded folks if you pick a Dem campaign! :7

If it's within the realm of possibility, consider a part time job. Or hire a sitter and get yourself out to a volunteer situation if you don't want the commitment of having to be at a job when your little one may need you at home. The local community centers usually have a LOT Of activities that moms and kids can do together starting as young as a year old! Most of them also have a free/low cost daycare center where you can drop off the child and work out for an hour.

A wise friend of mine once said that if you aren't happy as the mother, it seeps into all of the rest of the family relationships. Be pro-active on taking steps to take care of yourself - that lonely depression as a SAHM is a slippery slope. PM me if you like. Oh yes, and most certainly a hug! :hug:

[GenDem]

32. Oh, how I remember those days....

and can completely relate. It was 27 years ago, but reading all of these posts make it seem like it was just yesterday. I loved being there for my kids, but that was -- by far -- the loneliest years of my life.

My husband was in the Marine Corp and after my first son was born we moved to another state...and unfortunately our first rental was a little trailer out in the sticks, I had no one. We didn't even have a phone. When I took my baby to the base hospital for check-ups and shots I actually stalked other women with babies cuz I needed a friend so badly. When I look back I realize that I was in a very deep depression during that time period, and I think mostly it was dur to loneliness.

By the time I had my third child, Mr. Gen was out of the service and we were back in our home town. Mother's groups were all the rage...thank God. I joined a couple of mother's groups, I joined a food co-op, and la leche league.....By then my boys were in school and I joined the PTSO.

Not to be redundant because everyone has given you such good advice, and I agree with all of it. Try not to isolate yourself if you can help it. :hug:

[Deja Q]

33. With sheer, unfettered empathy...

:hug:

I'm not a mother... but I've felt what you're describing most my conscious life.



Edit: Spelling

[JackBeck]

38. My sister.

I recently became a first time uncle.

Need her phone number?

:hug: