any advice about roommate troubles? (ok, a little ranting too)

[seaj11]

I'm beginning to think I was wrong about my last roommates being as bad as it could get. My apartment complex rents out 4 bedroom apartments by the room; that is, each room is separately leased. We all pay the same amount of rent and share a kitchen, living room, and laundry room. One of my roommates has lived here a year longer than I, and somebody let her by all the furniture for the common areas. The couch, coffeetables, endtables, kitchen tables, everything. They also let her decorate everything. So, she assumes the common areas are simply an extension of her bedroom. No one else is allowed to use any of the furniture without risking her wrath. (Note that there isn't ROOM for us to bring in our own.) Not long after I moved in, she put up a note asking everyone to stop making a mess in the kitchen, she had spent a lot of time and money making it look nice. Her definition of "mess" is crumbs, a cup left in the sink, etc. She even put up one of those "Basic Training" signs intended for employees, which I find extremely offensive. She also was very upset that her appliances were being used. The kitchen counters are covered with her stuff, include a coffeemaker that's never been used and a bottle of 409 (she sanitizes the kitchen several times a day, and once put up a note asking everybody to use it to wipe up crumbs). Not only is there no room for anyone else to have appliances, but she told me when I first moved in that we all shared appliances and kitchen chores. I used her blender and cleaned it out; she threw a fit. She is a self-admitted compulsive shopper, and had to purchase a standalone cabinet and extra shelves to hold various appliances, a huge spice rack, and bunches of jars and containers of utensils (how many spatulas does one need?) I should note also that she hardly ever cooks. She buys these things in order to claim ownership of the kitchen.

She recently slid a note under my door asking me to stop expecting her to clean up my crumbs (I do--I guess she can see invisible "mess"), and saying "Pretty much everything in the apartment is MINE. If you want I'll give you a tour of what is mine and what isn't. Don't touch stuff that isn't yours." I wrote a LONG note back reminding her I paid equal rent, assuring her that cloth handtowels won't bring roaches (she kept throwing mine in the laundry room because it was "dirty"), and pointing out that I had all my own cooking supplies, and didn't need to touch anything else. I also said I was sick of the notes, and if she had something to say

All the same, my previous roommates were much more childish--I thought--and would gather outside my door and make fun of me. And there were three of them. But what happened today officially made my current roommate much worse.

I had washed my hands and was emptying the dishwasher when I grabbed a handful of silverware and felt something slimy slide down my hand. At first I thought I must have gotten soap or something on the silverware, but it was clear, not blue, and slightly sticky. I realized with horror it was saliva. She must have opened the dishwasher, spit on the silverware rack, and locked it again so I wouldn't notice. I'm glad I got to it before it dried on them, but now I'm really disgusted and very worried about having my food and dishes out there. It disgusts me that she would do something like that.

I've been ignoring her antics, believing that confronting her wouldn't be worth my trouble. Now, though, I'm worried about my health. I feel really paranoid about her sabotaging or trying to contaminate my things.

By the way, this is only my fourth month here. Both of us will be here for eight more months. I have a 12-month contract I won't be able to get out of.

What do you guys think? Should I confront her about the spit? What if I'm wrong, or if she denies it? That won't help me. I don't have money to compete with her by buying things for the apartment. I've been trying to subtly drive her mad by doing my own thing in the common areas and trying to forget that she'll come out soon as I'm done and sanitize. I guess it's working if she's spitting on things, but that's not what I had in mind.

Oh, and if you'd like to rant about roommate troubles, go right ahead.

[Maine-ah]

1. eek, sorry, no advice

but she sounds like a real nut job. I played roommate once, and I swore I'd never do it again. Good luck!:hug:

[carlydenise]

2. wow, it sounds like you are living with some immature people

unfortunately, it sounds like the only way to solve this is to go to the manager and ask to be let out of the contract. Or get a small fridge, microwave, TV, basic appliances and live out of your bedroom and don't use her stuff. I feel for you.
Carly

[elehhhhna]

3. Yep. Complain to the manager and get assigned to a different unit asap...

and don't forget to dissappoint your psycho rooomie with plenty of crumbs when you go.

[Bunny]

4. Wow. You need to talk to building management as soon as possible.

Explain everything that has happened so far, and tell them that she spit on your clean dishes. Don't worry if you can't prove it - accuse her of it outright, make her deny it. If she had previous roommates, they may have made the same types of complaints. Perhaps this will be enough for them to take action.

[TK421]

5. Talk to the manager, explain what is going on there

I currently have three other roommates, and some of their habits annoy the hell out of me on a daily basis.
It doesn't seem right that you can't have your own belonging in the common areas...you DO pay equal rent, after all. When I moved here ( January 1st ) I brought a futon sofa for the living room and my own television is in the living room for anyone who wants to watch it. Roughly ninety percent of the dishes, pots and silverware are mine also, but I wouldn't tell someone they can't use them...that's just petty. She sounds like a real control freak, and she may have some insecurity issues as well. Good luck

[philosophie_en_rose]

6. The spit is uncertain, but you're clearly paying for space she's using.

You are renting space. Thus, she needs to stop using more than her allocated space - OR get over herself and allow others to share. I think it's impossible to know whether she actually spit on anything, but it is obvious that you are paying for space in which she is storing her things. That's not okay.

I've never lived in a space where we allocated anything but personal things, but - if she wants it that way - she needs to stop taking up so much space.

My reply to her would be something - in writing - notifying her that she is using more than her allotted amount of space. If she is concerned about people using her belongings in common areas, she must leave room for others to keep their own.

I would also let your landlord know that you're not receiving the enjoyment of the space that you rent. If your landlord is going to take your money, he or she should provide the opportunity for you to enjoy your apartment.

[cwydro]

7. Wow,

she sounds like a psycho. What age person are we talking about here?

[tigereye]

8. maybe you folks should tell her that if she wants to have

her own apartment, she should be paying ALL the rent. Present her with a bill for all 4 apartments, and tell her that either she shares the common stuff, has to get rid of it, or else all the rent will be paid by her.


just a thought. I never had roommates that weird/controlling in all my years of renting.

[Kixel]

9. That sucks!

I’m sorry to hear about your situation. Nothing sucks more than being unhappy in your living situation and you have to be very assertive about fixing it.

Stop with the notes. They are not the most effective way to communicate and it will not resolve the situation. People stew about what to say in their response more than thinking of the validity of what the other person is saying.

My advise would be to stick your hands deep in your pockets and ask her why she spit in the dishwasher. The hands in the pockets will keep you from punching her in the face. I’d let her know that you are not as anal as she is, but you do pay the same amount of rent as she does and it’s time she realize that you are not renting a bedroom but an entire space.

I know it can be tricky to get a new place, if you can do that it could be much better for you. Good luck and I hope it works out for you.

Oh-and if she keeps on being a bitch, have a bunch of friends over for a Friday night movie night in the living room. Its time to reclaim the space you are paying for!!

[crim son]

10. She sounds like she has OCD, except for the spitting on the dishes!

Her name wouldn't be Debbie, by any chance, would it? Debbie was a roommate of mine years ago and she sounds very much like she could be related to your roomie. I wasn't allowed to leave a coffee spoon in the sink, and any visitor of mine was strongly discouraged from using the bathroom (potential diseases). There were four of us in the apartment, luckily, and eventually Debbie decided that living with three filthy freaks was too much for her so she moved out. Yay.

[1gobluedem]

16. I had a Debbie like that!

What's with the name Debbie anyway?

She was a woman I worked with who I didn't know all that well, just socially which wasn't a problem. She insisted she needed a roommate but controlled all the common areas too; it was her furniture and TV in the living room and dining area and mostly her stuff in the kitchen too even though I paid equal rent and had plenty of my own things. She wouldn't let me keep any of my things in the living room because they didn't go with hers, insisted that I have my own phone because she "couldn't afford" my phone bills (she was anal about paying the bill the second it arrived; I would always give her my share five days before the due date), and would greet me almost every morning with "Are you going home this weekend?"

We had our own bathrooms but the washer and dryer were in mine and she would almost always say she needed to do laundry just when I needed to get ready to go someplace (note: w/d used my hot water heater). If I had a friend over (rarely) after 10:30 p.m. she would come out of her room and ask us to "keep it down" every five minutes.

I was unemployed the last six months we lived together; got a job about a month before we parted and wanted to have some friends over to celebrate. She promptly filled the dining area with packing boxes and told me I had a "bad idea."

I got my own apartment after that and thankfully never had a roommate again.

[Divameow77]

11. Speak to management

then ignore her. Move her stuff out of the way so you can use yours, throw her notes in the community garbage (maybe she will see them). Do you what you think is acceptable in the common areas, if she doesn't like it then tough.

Do you have other roommates besides her?

[China_cat]

12. I agree with the others about talking to management

but document...save all the notes. Take pictures every time you leave the kitchen (time stamped and dated digital would be best) and pair the picture with the next note left about it. Ask her to show you what all she considers hers. Video or still picture document it and then have her sign a written list of the items claiming them as hers. She'll think you're taking her seriously, you'll be building a case to get out of the lease on that particular space.

[Horse with no Name]

13. Sounds like she needs a shrink

DEMAND that she move her stuff out of the main areas and make room for other people's things or learn to shut up and share.
Figure out how much space you are paying for...if it is 800 sq feet and 4 roommates, each has 200 sq. feet.
I would send her a bill for storage of her stuff in your allocated space at the going rate for each month past.
We can all be very petty. It's just a lot easier to get along.
My roommate experience was terrible.
I was moving in two months and a friend met a guy in a bar and married him that next day. They didn't have a place to go. Mommy and Daddy weren't happy at all.
Since I was moving, they wanted my house. So, they went ahead and moved in. Took one of the bedrooms.
Anyways...living with newlyweds isn't my cup of tea. Especially ones that are relative strangers to each other. I would come home from work and they would be fucking on my couch. No blanket or anything down to keep stuff from getting all over it.
I would politely stand on the porch so they could cover themselves or go to their room. They never did.
I would just have to walk by and go hang out in my room for a couple of hours.
Her husband basically commandeered my remote--couldn't even watch what I wanted.
If I bought food and cokes, I would come home to an empty refrigerator.
It was the most miserable two months of my life.
Never ever ever ever again.
Good luck.

[NashVegas]

14. Forget About the Spit - You Can't Prove It

Stick to things you can.

If she told you you all share the appliances, hold her to it. Use her stuff and if she doesn't like it, remind her of what you were told as enticement for moving in. If she doesn't want you using her appliances to make room for yours.

You pay 1/4 of the rent. You should be able to expect to have equal access to everything you need to carry on a normal routine without undue hassles. If she doesn't want you using her blender, fine, but she needs to leave room in the kitchen for whatever you would use, of your own, in its place.

Regarding the other things, like furniture: appreciate that someone spent money on something you won't have to, and keep it clean.

Cut it with the notes: do this face to face. If she wants to have all of the roommies present for this, stick to your guns about what is not fair to you.

It sucks to be so broke - or live in such an expensive area - that you have to live with a bunch of strangers in a place you can't put your personal stamp on. If you have to go for a similar situation for your next apartment, things may not be all that different.


This lady sounds like someone who's been hit with a nesting instinct, but can't afford to start her own nest. Point out to her that it's not fair to you to treat the apartment like it's her nest, while the rest of you all pay equal rent and share equal liabilities.

[Evoman]

15. Its amazing how well threats of violence work.

I.E. "Look you fucking bitch...if you ever spit on my shit again, I will fucking kill you." Then divide the kitchens and living room into 4 squares, and move all her stuff into 1. Then when she complain, you threaten her again.

Or I guess you COULD go with Criscos advice. But violence is easier and quicker..ha...

[Kat45]

17. That's a strange way to rent out apartments.

For a four-bedroom apartment, the four people living there should be able to meet each other and be ok with each other before committing to the apartment. That's what people do when they answer 'roommate wanted' ads. I've never heard of renting the rooms separately; that's a prescription for disaster.

From your description, I would guess that your roommate has OCD, and probably other problems as well. Good luck with your situation; I hope you are able to get your situation to a better place.

[seaj11]

18. thanks for the advice

It honestly never occurred to me to talk to management. I guess I figured they wouldn't give a crap. And they might not, but it's worth a shot. I'm not going to say anything about the spit UNLESS it happens again.

Bunny: I think I will talk to the other roommates and ask if they're bothered by her behavior. Unfortunately, one of them is her friend (of course, she may be pretending to be her friend in order to avoid her wrath), and the other is hardly ever there, and when she is, she stays in her room.

China_cat: I'll do that if I get the feeling from managment that that would help.

To answer those inquiries: she's about 22 (I think), no, her name's not Debbie, though those Debbies sound like the same type of roommate

Horse: I must say you had it worse! That's really disgusting.

notmyprez: Yes, it is odd. We do fill out a roommate profile. But when I said I'd like clean roommates, I didn't think I'd get a clean freak.