What would you do.... If you had a spouse you dearly loved....

[WCGreen]

And yet her inability to organize clean and sanitize the house was adding to your decline in health...

It has gotten so bad her inaction, that I had to go out and painted when there is no reason under the sun that would allow me to paint....

You see I have a compromised respiratory system....

It is not getting better but it is getting worse. I am convinced, by the inability of my SO to clean and keep harmful dust out of the air and out of my lungs...

I believe that if something is not done soon, I shall start to deteriorate more and could end up in the hospital again...

I am at my wits end... I have talked to her about this but there always seems to be a higher priority....

Perhaps she needs someone who can tell her what to do and work with her....

I can't....

There is more to this, but I truly think my decision to stay or go is a live changing event...

[blonndee]

1. I'd clean it myself, that's what I'd do. (Wearing a dust mask, of course.)

Either that or I'd hire it done. It seems an obvious solution to me. Am I missing something?

[WCGreen]

6. No money and I do't have the stamina to do the work...

I have about 25% of my lung capacity left....

[eyesroll]

8. A housekeeping service is a lot cheaper than a divorce.

:shrug:

[WCGreen]

9. You are right...

Except the house is beyond the capabilities of most cleaning services...

[eyesroll]

12. Then it's probably beyond the capabilities of your wife.

There are companies that specialize in damage restoration and/or deep cleaning that can probably help you out...perhaps you can give one of them a call. www.iicrc.org can refer you.

[bleedingheart]

52. how is it beyond...due to dirt or is there some sort of problem

in the house???

Do you need help...would a crew of people coming over to help you make a difference...???

Let us say a crew of folks donated their time to come over a weekend and help organize, clean and paint???

[idgiehkt]

55. what about adult protective services or the health dept.?

I know that in the case of animal hoarders or object hoarders sometimes they come in and help get people services. PCAs, personal care assistants, do cleaning at houses at part of their duties, and in my state, DSS will pay relatives to sit with people and they may pay someone to help with household chores. When I cared for my grandmother until she passed that was available to me but I couldn't get my granny's POA to agree to it because you have to set times. But her house was clean, it would have just been an income. With your lung capacity being what it is you may be entitled to some benefits like that, it would be worth looking into. They might even send a social worker out there to talk to you about it. Just make sure to hide anything you don't want them to see, lol.

[Lucky Luciano]

26. Yes, you are missing something..his wife seems like a selfish

*&^%*&^% *&^%*&^% @^$&!($*&!^#& *^$*@!8 &%$*@& and she sounds like a fuckin' asshole too!

Edit: Before the charges of sexism come rolling in, the answer remains exactly the same if the gender roles were completely reversed. Very selfish to put your SO's health as such a low priority.

[idgiehkt]

56. she may also be depressed or

suffer from her own problems.

[Lucky Luciano]

68. Possible - he did indicate that he did not paint the

whole picture, but with the information I have, that is all I can conclude...I think I posted that because I was really flabbergasted by people charging him with sexism below. Unreal.

If you are married and you love your SO, you will wait on them hand and foot and do everything to make them feel better. If my wife were incapacitated, I would cook her dinners, I would clean, I would do the laundry...I would sneak into the bedroom kiss her on the lips and remind her how beautiful I think she is, etc etc etc. That should be common sense to those charging him with sexism.

If she is suffering from her own problems, like depression as you pointed out, then I can be more forgiving, but she must get help in that case. Also, if that is the case, then they both have some illnesses and a marriage should be the ultimate symbiotic relationship. Hopefully, they can help each other.

[SeattleGirl]

2. Can you afford to hire someone to clean on a regular basis?

That might be something to look into.

[WCGreen]

7. Not at this time....

[sbj405]

3. Not sure why you think it's her job to clean.

Your post comes across as a bit sexist. If it were that much of a health issue, I think I'd pay someone to clean.

Obviously, if you are contemplating leaving, there are other issues in your relationship.

[WCGreen]

5. I have no money,,,

I would clean if I could...

I guess I should have expected charges of sexism...


Oh Well...

[Haole Girl]

20. You can expect charges of sexism, because it sounds sexist...

...to say the woman's job is to clean a house.

I am very sorry for your situation. However, it doesn't change the fact that it is *not* your wife's "duty" to clean a very messy house. I sounds like you need more help than she can provide, and you should get it...whether it be from a church, organization, relative, neighbor, or possibly very slowly doing a little every day yourself.

Now, don't get me wrong, I don't believe any spouse should just sit around and do nothing (sick or not)...call it my work ethic from a very young age (or working very hard from a very young age, I guess). Talk with your wife...be assertive but non-aggressive. Tell her how you feel without blame. But, for a solution? Obviously, you need more than 1 person can do. I certainly couldn't clean a house as messy as you've describe by myself!

Good luck. I agree, it sounds like it's time for a major clean up. And, as bad as it sounds, you probably don't want to be around when the dust flies.

:grouphug:

[WCGreen]

22. I can't believe you would call it sexist...

You are really infering a lot into what I said...

It just happenes that my so is a woman...

I do most of the cooking, cleaing the kitchen, shopping and what not...

It is not the woman's job...

It is the responsibility of the spouse who is physcally able to help regardless of gender...

[Haole Girl]

24. I was agreeing with the above poster that it sounds that way...and..

it does. And, it sounds like, you have far too much mess for just 1 person to clean-- no matter what the gender. I wanted to make that point (above) as well.

[ikojo]

4. If you can afford it how about hiring a cleaning

service to come in once a week or every other week.

Depending on where you live and the size of your house/apartment it may be within reach.

[LeftyMom]

10. Here's what I can think of:

I know money's tight, but finding a way to hire somebody is probably better than fighting about it. Rather than hiring somebody through an agency and having the agency take a big cut, maybe you could hire somebody directly? If you ask around there's probably somebody that one of your friends or family knows who could use the work. If not, it might be cheaper to call a home health care agency rather than a cleaning agency. A friend of mine works for one of these agencies and she does a lot of cooking and cleaning for people as part of her job. Maybe insurance will cover this (your doctor would have to advocate for you on this one.)

If you can't do any of that, maybe you could get a air purifier to at least filter the dust out of the air? That might at least be a reasonable temporary solution.

[WCGreen]

19. I'm going to my doctor next week....

I will bring that up to him...

[idgiehkt]

59. those things are amazing

I work part-time cleaning office buildings and one that I clean has about 4 or 5 of those in it, and when I go in there it always spotless, the amount of dust in that building is miniscule compared to the others in work in. But if you have a build up of dirt you might get mold and other stuff growing which could really mess with you. Plus the products you will have to use to 'deep clean' at this point aren't going to be much help to your lungs. It sounds like the system is breaking down a little here and you guys maybe need some outside assistance. Caring for someone who is chronically ill can get overwhelming, maybe your wife needs some counseling and support...it could make a world of difference. I am not saying you need hospice because I don't know your situation but I can't describe how incredibly helpful and caring those folks were to us when my grandmother was ill. They were amazing, the workers would just sometimes sit at the kitchen table with my aunt and listen to her talk, just reassure her. I don't know how we would have made it without them, words really can't describe what they did because we were all getting very burnt out, a common emotion amoung caregivers, when they came on the scene.

[ikojo]

31. Insurance would probably not cover the cost of a

home health aid to clean the house, especially if there is an able bodied person available to do it. For the most part insurance will not pay to have the "activities of daily living" performed if there is a family member available.

[buddhamama]

11. does your condition prevent you from cleaning the house yourself?

do you have health insurance?
if so, see if they would cover some of the cost of hiring someone to clean for you. on rare occasions you get help with these expenses.

[WCGreen]

13. I can do maintenance cleaning...

And I do the dishes, cook and laundry all the time...

But the deep cleaning, I can't do that anymore...

Perhaps my doctor can point me in the right direction....

[buddhamama]

17. you might want to look into

a visiting nurses program in your area, or through a hospice type org. a lot of times the nurses/health care workers will take on outside work. i would definitely speak with your doctor. if it is a matter of health, he should be willing to offer assistance and maybe advocate for you with your insurance company. good luck and better health. Peace.

[radwriter0555]

46. Well the thing is, you can indeed actually "do" the deep cleaning..

but I am sure that the very thought of cleaning the whole house is horrifically overwhelming... it must be, to be in that state.

But, here's the thing... if you tackle one space at a time, 9 square feet, 1 square yard at a time, 2 or 3 times per week, it will get done in a couple of weeks.

Start in one corner and sort, throw, wash, scrub, sweep and vacuum. It won't take more than 30 minutes, tops, even a bad corner.

The real secret is to handle each time ONE time. Either toss it or put it where it belongs. There is no middle ground.

You have to marginalize and reduce the tasks into very small ones to make them manageable.

As it is, I'm sure the work has to be completely overwhelming and just as a whole project absolutely impossible. But once you start chucking things, it sure gets a lot easier.

I would also get rid of any wall to wall carpeting if you can. That stuff can literally hold tons of dust, dirt and toxins.

[idgiehkt]

61. I'm not sure

that scrubbing, sweeping, and vacuuming are things someone with a decreased lung capacity needs to be doing...aside from inhaling fumes from cleaning products, or the exertion required to even do this kind of stuff.

Thats a great idea about the carpet though. That stuff is nasty, I wish it had never been invented, lol.

[mzteris]

14. I'm thinking

you're thinking she's "just not doing it" and she "would if she really loved you" sort of thing. (I may be off base, but - my .02)

FWIW - she really may be UNABLE to ORGANIZE AND CLEAN "properly". Just like you have a physical illness, she may have electro-chemical issues and/or brain development issues (and/or allergies, and/or any myriad other reasons) WHY she CANNOT "clean" to your expectations/needs.

It's not that she doesn't love you. It's not that she wants you to be sick. It's that she CAN'T. (Maybe) She CAN'T. (I don't know you or her - but. . . speaking from a PPOV) - it's something for you to consider.

I know it's pricey - but hire someone to come in at least once a month. Then - talk to her about a schedule. Find out WHY it's not "getting done" - is she overwhelmed? Is she chronically disorganized? Does she need help in getting a schedule? Or maybe she just doesn't have time - is she working outside the home, too? How much time does she have to do these things anyway? What can you do TOGETHER to get it done?

How can you reorganize your house, lifestyle to facilitate having less clutter, less to clean, less to organize?

These are legitimate questions and some things you need to seriously consider.

[WCGreen]

16. good suggestions....

I just am really frustrated because my health has deterioated noticably in hte last three years or so...

She ha been seeking help and is on drugs that are suppose to help her already...

I don't know...

I know she loves me...

But maybe at this stae of the game, that is simply not enough...

I really do love her, but perhaps we are just not good for each other...

[mzteris]

21. talk to her.

If you guys really love each other, you'll find some sort of solution that's best for both of you. Even if that does mean separation - but hopefully not. The cost (both monetarily and emotionally) would be pretty high for that option so I'd exhaust all other measures first!

Also, have you thought of bartering for the cleaning? Is there something you can do for someone else? Babysit their kids? Balance their books. Cook 'em a nice meal? Pet sit? Something. . .

[WCGreen]

23. I am literally and figuratively bklue in the face from talking....

[Lydia Leftcoast]

53. I agree here

It is quite possible that your wife CAN'T clean the house. There are two conceivable reasons:

1) Depression. Not all people with depression sit and cry all the time. Some are simply immobilized and overwhelmed by all but the smallest tasks.

2) What one movie I saw called "organizationally impaired." This is my problem. One the amount of Stuff goes beyond a certain point, I am unable to keep it orderly. I can tidy things up after a fashion, but it soon gets disorderly again. Over 50 years of my mother telling me how simple it is to clean house has not helped in the least.

If I had a bit more money, I'd hire someone to do my cleaning.

[Nikia]

15. Is there anyway you can recruite friends or family?

To help you and your wife at least initially. If things have been let go for a while, it might seem overwhelming so having several people to make a day or two of it could get in a good starting condition.
After that, you two can decide whether regular cleaning is manageable or if you need and can afford a weekly service.

[WCGreen]

18. Yea, my family......

They know all about our problems and have not lifted a finger to help...

[ikojo]

33. Have you asked your family to help

out? Often times family and friends are reluctant to step in or voice their opinion or offer help out of fear of appearing nosey or intrusive.

[WCGreen]

40. Oh yea, I have asked....

[carlydenise]

25. a little at a time

Maybe it has gotten too big of a job for one person to try an tackle now? Try straightening up a little at a time, maybe one day when doing laundry clean out one drawer, then another time do another etc......it will take quite a while, but eventually you will see some progress.

[WCGreen]

27. I took over the kitchen...

We use to split the detail, but it is now my domain...

The problem is that when I try to do stuff, too much dust is kicked up and then I start coughing and have to do a treatment and lay down for awhile...

I am so far gone that I am on permanent disability and am in line for a Lung Transplant...

[nini]

28. What would you do if you were single and lived alone?

You say the issue is the deep cleaning and you do the maintainence stuff. If you lived on your own you could still do that for yourself, but who would do the hard core stuff?

To be honest it sounds like there are other problems with her. Does she simply not understand the health risks or is she just lazy.


If she doesn't care enough about you to do the things you can't to help you stay healthy then that has to be addressed in your relationship. If she doesn't get how important this is and needs to help you then your doctor needs to talk to her and lay it out to her.

Either way you have to take control and do whatever you have to do to protect your health. I think you know the answers and need to know it's ok to put yourself first when the stakes are so high.

good luck

[WCGreen]

30. Mu SO is a caring person but is incablable, I believe, of putting

that care into concreate action...

I don't know...

It's kind of hard to say what would happen if I was living alone...

Since I had a pretty clean house was on my own...

when we came together, I believed we played off the worst aspects of our personalities and we both let this happen...

Now, because of my health issues, I feel that the sickness and health part is kinda kicking in, or reather should be...

Perhaps I am old fashioned to think this, but when a spouse is in trouble, has their life litterally on the line, the other person is suppose to step up...

I always tried to be there when my spouse had a need... (I learned to keep this personal pronoun nuetral, I don't wish to have anymore charges of sexism leveled at me) Maybe I was there and maybe I wasn't... That would be up to my spouse to decide, I guess...

[nini]

36. You're not asking too much of her

It's not old fashioned to expect a spouse to step in and help us, especially when health issues are involved - that's what those relationships are all about.


If you can get friends and family to come over for a full day and have a cleaning party - explain to them you two need help with the heavy duty stuff to get it back to where it would be easier to maintain. Sometimes when things get so bad you don't know where to start.

Or contact a local senior citizen group regardless of your age. They can give you names of people and organizations that can help you at minimal or not cost.



Good luck and take care.

[GirlinContempt]

29. Get some air filters

[WCGreen]

39. Joani gave me an air filter that works pretty good in my office...

[ikojo]

32. Maybe if your SO had someone to help her

do it a little at a time. If the place is truly a mess then it can seem overwhelming. IF a trusted friend or relative could come in and in a NON JUDGMENTAL way show your SO what to do on a regular basis then maybe it would be kept up more than it is now.

[WCGreen]

38. Yea, one of my SO's friends spent a weekend here

after I was released from the hospital two years ago...

A good dent was made, but nothing else seemed to happen after the friend left...

[ikojo]

45. Just my non professional opinion...but have you

considered that if you are in poor health it may be affecting your SO's mental well being as well?

Your SO may simply be overwhelmed with daily life of living with someone in a very compromised health situation.

[electron_blue]

34. sounds like you need a major weed out time

throw tons of stuff away, that will make it easier on both of you to do what cleaning you are capable of. I bet if you get rid of a lot (50%?) that will make a world of difference. Donate what you can to get the tax writeoff (if you itemize your deductions), some places will come to your house to pick up bags of donated goods (epilepsy foundation is one).

flylady.com has lots of good hints for how to turn a house around in cleanliness and organization. Their main point, I believe, is weed out.

and hire someone for the deep cleaning, at least the first time. I know it's tough to come up with money if it just ain't there, but as the earlier poster said, it's cheaper than a divorce, or living separately.

And tell her this is a live changing event: do this or we split. Not as a threat, but just plain reality. Give her a chance to look that ultimatum in the face and sincerely look inside herself to change, weed out, whatnot.

Good luck!! You have my sympathies.

[WCGreen]

37. I have thrown so much of my stuff out....

We live in a 1350 sq ft house that has 2500 sq ft of stuff....

I have been considering the ultimatium stuff...

I am out of town this weekend...

I will see what if anything is done when I get home...

If nothing has changed, I believe I will apporach the subject by saying that this is just not an acceptable way for me to live, especially in the condition I find myself in...

We shall see...

[electron_blue]

41. maybe you can convince her to weed her stuff out. that's where the

ultimatum comes in, I imagine.

Ultimatums are handy when there is clariy, once you know w/o a doubt that you can't continue living a certain way.

[idgiehkt]

62. it sounds like

both of you are overwhelmed and need outside help. I would try that before I'd give any ultimatums. Caregivers of chronically ill people are commonly depressed. If you really have that much stuff and there is hoarding going on then I know that DSS will help in that case...poor sanitation goes hand in hand with that. I hope you both get the help that you need, you shouldn't have to go it alone and you probably don't have to, you just may not know what is out there in the way of assistance.

[GirlinContempt]

54. How is that not a threat?

[electron_blue]

63. I meant, not in a threatening way, just calmly, rationally.

what did you think I meant?

[Midlodemocrat]

35. Talk to your doctor about this.

I have a friend whose home is so incredibly filled with crap it should be on a TV show. She is completely INCAPABLE of throwing anything away because she has severe anxiety as well as OCD.

We're trying to help her with this, but her meds haven't kicked it yet.

If I were in your shoes, I would rent a dumpster, hire a couple of neighborhood kids for $10 an hour and just have them haul stuff away.

Then, the job of cleaning would be much less difficult. I am sure that your church would help. I know my friend's church has a team waiting when she is ready.

Good luck.

[Whoa_Nelly]

42. Hey, babycakes

Sent you a PM :*

[CaliforniaPeggy]

43. There are some very good suggestions here for you, Chris...

I really have nothing to add, but this: :hug:

And you know if I could help in any concrete way, I would.........

[Bossy Monkey]

44. A: you need to see a marriage counselor; B: you need to invest in a vacuum

Any kind of cleaning except vacuuming is going to kick up dust regardless who is doing the work. The only way to get rid of dust is frequent vacuuming.

Seeking relationship advice on the Internet is seldom helpful. You and she need to be in counseling. Not to go all Dear Abby or anything, but marriage counseling is more likely to be useful than any advice you would get here.

Best of luck regardless.

[XemaSab]

47. So she should clean the house while you go paint?

Why can't your ass clean the house while she goes and paints? :shrug:

[Deja Q]

48. Have you told her of your problems and concerns?

Some people need to be told, even if the obvious is staring them in the face. This lack of observation does not make a person bad.

Air cleaners help too, but are not sufficient on their own.

[reyd reid reed]

49. I'm sorry, hon.

I'd come and clean for you if I could...

:hug:

PLEASE take care of yourself.

[Blue Diadem]

50. If you could possibly dust by yourself, a suggestion on how not to kick up dust

If you can, try the damp cloth method. I use microfiber towels I got from the auto area of Meijers..they were on sale 1/2 price and were about $10 for a pack of 10. They do sell smaller packages of 3 or 5.

I know you have lung/breathing problems..maybe that method will help. We've had quite a dusty mess here..too many people in one household with way too much furniture and stuff. It's a long story..suffice it to say we combined 3 adult households for the past few years. My son married recently and moved into his own home so I've been cleaning and using the damp method to dust.

Just make sure you wring out as much water as you can. I use them on nearly everything and go over it with a dry one.

I'd also check with your county agencies to see if you can get some help cleaning due to your disability.

[bleedingheart]

51. Can you afford a maid service?

[lizziegrace]

57. If you've ever had pneumonia

and found it exhausting to even get a shower and get dressed...

It's the only thing I can think to compare how it is to exist on minimal lung capacity. I think the big issue here is that he is physically unable to do the work, not to mention the dust and resulting coughing that wears him out further. WC has to use oxygen 24/7 and even that's not enough to make him strong enough to do what must be done at the house.

Hope you don't mind me jumping in here WC.

:hug:

[CC]

58. Sounds like more than house

cleaning problems. Sounds like both of you are overwhelmed with everything, house cleaning, health issues, communication...

You health problem sound pretty severe, your spouse has got to be feeling overwhelmed, worried,and scared just as you may be feeling. You need to find a support group for those with the same type of illness, they are out there. Ask you doctor's office they would know. (You said you are on the list for a transplant, I know they have support groups for people waiting for any type or transplant.) You wife also needs a support group, most groups you attend would have a caregivers group. If you don't want to go in person there are lots of them on the web and some of them are very good. The NHL list and caregivers list was great for me when we needed something here. If nothing else it is a great place to rant with out repeating the same rant to the spouse a hundred times a day. Sometimes when the sick one rants at us we feel like they are blaming everything on us and that no matter what we do or how hard we work it is never going to be enough so why bother trying. My spouse's doctor was kind enough to jump on him about it and make him think after listening to him complain in front of me to the doc. I think his final words were something like I am surprised she hasn't shot you herself and put you out of her misery. It was a slap in the face he needed to get out of his funk. Edited to add, he loves his doc and would be devastated if he had to change docs. He is in remission after 3 bouts with NHL. His doc is very empathetic but he calls them as he sees them and will jump on a patient if he needs to.

When my father in law got sick (he lived with us) I took over care for the first 3 mos as SO was at work most of the time. The first thing to go was house cleaning. By the time SO took family leave to help I had been going on an hour sleep here or there for weeks. That was when I found out he couldn't empathize at all and simple little things Poppy couldn't do or remember drove him crazy. So then I had to take care of one person and keep the other one from throwing fits. Except that I got to sleep a bit more it was almost worse having him around that not. Some people just are unable to handle it no matter how much they love the person that is sick.

If your house is that dusty it does need the clutter removed, any carpets out, furniture cleaned and a ceiling to floor deep clean. There is no way your spouse is going to be able to do that without help and a lot of time off from work (if she works) and day to day chores. That is why there are services. If you are on disability get the doctor to write up that your need the thorough cleaning as a life and death issue. That might get a one time deep clean covered.
Get family and friends together and nicely ask them to help. Offer to buy them beer and cook them a couple meals. Set aside a couple days for them to help and make a list of what needs done. Assign task, turn on music, make it into a party and fun for all. We have done this for a few people around here, even friends of a friend we didn't know.

Worse comes to worse, clean out a room for you to use the majority of the time, shut the doors to the rest of the house and de-clutter. Keep your space clean. Spouse leaves something in your space, move it out to another room. No comments or anything just remove it. Containing it to one or two rooms would make it so you are able to dust a couple times a week so it never has the chance to get dusty. Forget complaining, they won't hear it after a while. If they ask why just gently tell them in a nice voice and let them learn by example.

Good luck to you both. Hoping for the best for you.

[GirlinContempt]

60. best advice yet

[WCGreen]

64. She doesn't really have to take care of me....

I can still function, do a lot of stuff cause I realy don't want to curl up...

The problem is with clutter and the fact she is probably overwhelmed by every day life...

I really don't add much of a burden to her, in fact I do a lot of stuff for her mother, who is also in need of help...

I do the shopping for her, pay her bills and also take her to doctor appointments...

The only things i realy can't do anymore is heavy lifting and yard work...

The doc told me fifteen years ago that i wasn't to do any yard work what so ever...

But i do grab a mask and rake leafs...

Shouldn't, but it wouldn't get done...

I don't know, maybe I just needed to vent....

[CC]

69. Venting works, and not

surprised you might need to once in a while. With my spouse I didn't need to do a lot for him, stayed pretty healthy through out treatment and he had a good outcome though it was ALL emotionally draining. The first time with fear (both of us) and the second time I was so mad at him for being stupid that actually carried me through. BTW if any one has ever had cancer and after a remission finds a lump do not wait almost a year before telling anyone. It pisses off loved ones and doctors.

I would still suggest a support group, they are people going through the same thing, it is a great place to rant and for ideas, plus it is usually free. Your spouse sounds like she may be a pack rat. Two of them living here with one trying to recover from it. It is very hard to over come. She may need help from outside on that front. It is even harder to try to make the one not trying to overcome it see the need to.:banghead:

Good luck no matter what you do and stay strong.

[Susang]

65. Sell your house, get a smaller one

But don't use your wife's lack of cleaning ability as an excuse to leave her. Because that's what it would be, an excuse.

I'm immuno-compromised. I also have had two recent back surgeries and suffer from CFS and asthma. I've been sick for about nine years and in that time my husband has had to do the majority of the housework. He hates it and can't always manage it. As a result, sometimes our house looks like a pit. I may not like it, but I would like living without my husband even less.

It's really fucking tough to live with a chronically ill person. Your wife is no doubt depressed, lonely and feels horribly guilty because you're sick and she's healthy. She might even feel resentful of the pressure being put on her. Get some counseling or be fair and admit to her the real reason you want to leave. Whatever that reason may be.

[Evoman]

66. Insurance fraud.....

Start the house on fire ...ahem..accidentally. Then get the insurance money and start over.

Or you can offer an ultimatem....we're cleaning, or we're done.

I'm really not sure what you should do.

[hedgehog]

67. Don't do anything you will regret later.

Your SO may already be feeling so guilty and helpless about the house that anything you say will seem to be an attack on her. Trying for some third party help, amybe even from some friends may be the answer. Just getting the house back in shape may be the biggest help. Maybe she can maintain it but doesn't see how to get there from here.