Do you give gifts to ungrateful family members?

[Beausoir]

Inspired by another thread this morning.

I have several nieces and nephews from my husband's family and my family.

I LOVE Christmas and I LOVE to buy gifts for kids at Christmas. But some adults seem intent on taking the fun out of it for me.

My husband's sister-in-law sends us a pre-approved list every November of things that we "may" buy her kids. Her daughter is a teen and her son is 11. She insists we buy them underwear, socks, clothes, and all that BORING stuff. They are not poor. They take cruises and vacations every year.
So last year, I got my back up and bought the teen daughter a cute set of body lotion, clear lip glosses and bubble baths. This year, when the sister in law sent the "pre-approved list" the first thing on it was ''NO BODY LOTIONS OR BATH PRODUCTS!!". What a bitch. This is the same woman who came to my house for Easter, stayed for 4 days with her family and refused to eat even one single bite of anything I cooked. She brought her own food in tupperware containers. And NO..she doesn't have any allergies. She's just rude.

So this year, I am threatening to send them a note saying we will not be buying any presents for them at all...instead we will donate to our adoption agency in their names.

But..that would be punishing the children, who I know love the gifts they get from us. (Last year I got the 11 year boy a neato detective kit and chemistry set. Better than socks and undies anyday of the week.)

Just wondering if anyone else is in the same boat.

[Blue Diadem]

1. yep,same boat, everytime my son has suggested something their 3 yr old wants,

my DIL will either call or email telling us NO! She finally emailed the detailed list she'd like us to get.

I've had it happen before with my DH's nieces when they were little. We eventually went to gift certificates/checks for them until they got nasty over the amounts, then we stopped giving them anything. Imagine back in the 80's being told that $30 wouldn't even buy a kid blouse.

[WritingIsMyReligion]

2. That is really idiotic.

I would have flipped out on my parents if they had done that for me when I was younger. Thank goodness they didn't--and gave me a verbal asswhooping if I ever forgot to say "Thank you."

:D

[Beausoir]

3. I think they expect me to stock their kids' underwear drawers for them.

I just hate to give up on buying the kids gifts. It makes me so happy for some reason.

With five small kids of my own, I guess I get enough shopping, so maybe I'll just follow through with the plan.

[ThomCat]

4. I've known people like this.

It's usually the parents who want to monopolize their kids affection. "See, nobody loves you like we do. Don't we always buy you the best presents?"

I think it's a sign of very insecure, very controlling parents who have some serious issues.

[begin_within]

5. Buy for the kids what YOU want to buy. It's your money. Always give kids TOYS, not clothes.

[jmm]

6. I'd give one of them a drum set and the other a guitar

I have an uncle whose ex-wife Cheryl use to pull stuff like that. My grandfather used to spend at least $1000 per granchild every year buying them clothes. He would ask for all of our mesurements to make sure he had the correct sizes. One year Cheryl claimed every single thing he got her kids didn't fit despite the fact that she insisted she messured them correctly and said she wanted him to return it all and give her the money. After that he stopped buying us clothes and instead gave our parents checks for about $250 per child. I feel really bad about her ruining the fun he had shopping for his grandkids.

[begin_within]

7. Your husband's sister-in-law is a total control freak. Do the opposite of what she tells you to do.

And don't let them stay at your house, ever again. Make them stay in a hotel. Give her kids whatever you want to give them, not what she tells you to. Frankly if I were you I wouldn't even talk to her at all, at any time. It's sad that you're forced to deal with her just to get to see the kids, but when the kids are 18 they will be able to make their own independent decisions on who they want to see and be with. In the meantime you will just have to maintain your relationships with the kids any way you can (not just through gifts, but also through calls, cards and letters - any direct communication with the kids that you can is good). I'm sure when they are 18 they will want to be free from her as well.

[Beausoir]

12. Too late...my MIL invited them ALL to my house for Thanksgiving!

Yeah, my MIL has serious control issues and my husband, though he is a lovely man, is completely non-confrontational. She went ahead and got everyone invited and THEN phoned me.

I am more of the kill 'em with kindness person.

But I can't believe she invited them ALL up to my house...for FOUR days! I already have 5 kids, 3 cats and a dog. Add another dog, 2 kids, and 4 more ungrateful slobbish people.

This time, I am cooking ONE meal for them and the rest of the time, we are all going out to restaurants and splitting the tabs. Cheap bastards. Let's see how happy they are to crash my holiday after this one!

[begin_within]

15. These people are ABUSING YOU, and you must put a stop to it RIGHT NOW.

If you don't put a stop to this right now, they will walk all over you, forever.

DON'T do the Thanksgiving dinner for them. Your mother-in-law does not have the right to invite people to your house. You must put a stop to it RIGHT NOW. Not one more meal for them, you must stop it NOW. This is your only chance. You must exert your power to protect your rights if you want to have any rights at all.

Your mother-in-law has clearly overstepped her authority. She does NOT have the right to invite people to your house at any time. If you allow this Thanksgiving to happen at your house, you are giving her the right to invite people to your house. Your husband is complicit in it to. You and him MUST stop this now. Not next year, NOW. Tell all of them you're going out to dinner for Thanksgiving with your kids only. Without them. If they don't like it, that is their problem.

Don't let them walk all over you! That's exactly what they are doing and you are letting them do it. They are trampling on your rights and you must put an end to it NOW, for your own peace of mind and happiness. Don't let them do this to you! You must stop this now. It doesn't matter how they react, or even if they never speak to you again. All that matters is that you stop this RIGHT NOW. This is far more important than "killing them with kindness" or any other peace-making considerations.

And here is what you should buy for both your mother-in-law and your husband's sister-in-law:



Obviously their true calling in life is to dominate and control everyone in their orbit. Don't let them do it to you.

[SoyCat]

22. I'm with you, Bob. She's got to put her foot down!

[Beausoir]

45. I've been thinking about this post since yesterday and I do believe you

may be at least paritally correct.

I don't WANT these people to come to my house for four days. They are Evangelical Fundies and sexist pigs and barefoot and pregnant types and I don't WANT them here.

They do this to me over and over again. We just built a new home. Two weeks ago, the in-laws phone and ask if they can drop by real quick to see the grandkids. Sure! 15 minutes later, I hear them enter, walk downstairs and am confronted by a couple I've never met before. Seems my innies brought some of their friends up to gawk at my new house. What? They couldn't have told me when they phoned? They know I won't kick up a fuss because I think it's classless to raise a stink in front of people.

Fuck. I am going to have a LOOOOOOOOONG talk with my husband and put the onus on him to put a stop to this.

Thanks for giving me a kick in the ass about it.

[Darth_Kitten]

24. Whoa.......just whoa.....it's YOUR house, how DARE she?

You are way too accomodating.....

You don't owe these people ANYTHING....

[knitter4democracy]

28. My MIL does that, too.

My fave are the times she springs total strangers on us or brings her dog without asking if it's okay. :eyes: This year, so far we know of one extra, but I'm planning on at least one more. That's who they are--they never think of how rude it is. They brought along a friend of SIL's the day after I had my son--a girl I had never heard of before and never met, walking into my house to see me with my day old baby.

You know what I would do? I'd get the grocery store dinner, too. It's not that much more, and then you only have to make a couple more sides (your favorites, not theirs). My in-laws are all showing up at my house for Thanksgiving, and I'm seriously considering that option. Did I mention that I had surgery Oct. 13th to remove my right kidney and everything around it to remove a huge benign tumor? Yeah. We have the biggest house, we were signed up to host before we knew about the tumor and all, and so we're getting everyone.

Do take-out. Good idea. Make them crate their dog. I would. Make the kids all form clean-up teams and rotate the jobs so that the adults can rest and the work is short for the kids. If they pull the "we're guests" thing, argue back that they're family and uninvited guests at that. ;)

[Darth_Kitten]

44. I would go on a day trip.......

maybe they would get the hint. :)

[LaraMN]

8. Send them all lotions and bath products. And maybe some tupperware.

:evilgrin:

[Beausoir]

11. Snerk!

[Kerrytravelers]

9. Buy what you want.

When you give it to the kids, I'd say "It's not on the list, but I bought it for you anyway."

Now, I can be a bit confrontational that way. The kids will now know that you're getting a list and your SIL will know that you think it's idiotic.

If she makes a fuss, tell her that she's taking the fun out of giving gifts and how rude it is. And, quite frankly, you are done following her lists.

[Ramsey]

10. Find out what the KIDS want

And give them that. Ignore control freak SIL. Or don't give them anything at all.

I certainly wouldn't have them as house guests ever again!!

[GoddessOfGuinness]

19. I second this motion...

Don't ignore the parents, but keep getting to know your niece and nephew. It sounds to me as if their mom is oppressively controlling, and they're going to need family members who are supportive through their teen years.

[China_cat]

13. Yeah, I had that problem with my grandkids

Send money. Say that you have gotten too 'old' to know what they'd really want and think they're old enough to pick out something for themselves.

If she objects to that, next year send a card to the kids that says 'sorry, we aren't sending gifts this year'.

[Darth_Kitten]

27. Maybe don't send money.......

this hits too close to home...

Mom sends cheques to her grandkids.......when Mom sees grandkids and asks what did you do with your birthday cheque, they tell Grandma "what cheque" Mom of kids tells her mother(grandmother) that there was some problem with the mail, etc. :eyes:

Then grandkid asks her Mom and Grandma gets the cold shoulder because Mother and Father of grandkids were obviously lying to their own kids. Yadda yadda yadda...........

there is just such ungratefulness and meanness going around.......

[undeterred]

14. The new brother in law let me know I didn't spend enough

on his kids by making fun of the presents I got them. Two years in a row, then I stopped getting them anything at all.

[fishwax]

46. what a jerk

i can't conceive of my in-laws doing that. :grr:

[QMPMom]

16. I stopped getting gifts for my Stepsister.

I told my Dad that when she thanks me for the last one I got her (about three or four years ago) then I'll get her another one.

Outside of my DH and children, I only buy for my Dad, Stepmother, Sister, Brother-In-Law and Nephew. They all open presents together on Christmas Day so Stepsister knows she's off my list.

[Broken_Hero]

17. nope, I sure don't

if they are ungrateful, or pull a "Cartman" and tell me what to buy them, I don't get them diddley squat...

[Bear down under]

18. She sounds like a carbon copy of my sister

who cannot understand why she no longer receives her "customary invitation" to my house and carries on to anyone who will listen about rotten I am to force her to feed and entertain her tribe of freeloading in-laws herself for the holiday. The difference is that her 12 year old daughter is a spoilt brat, whose idea of "thank you" is "this is unacceptable. Mummy *told* you I wanted a horse."

I don't miss any of them. You have no idea how nice it is to be able spend Christmas and Easter with guests who appreciate my hospitality.

But I gather you like the children enough to want to see them at Christmas, which means you have to put up with their mother. My suggestion is that you do as she asks and give them a pair of cheap socks each -- preferably in some colour/pattern that you know will annoy her sh*tless (don't worry, the kids will love them for that very reason) -- but wrap them with the gift you have chosen for them. Give her a nice package of inexpensive scented soap and include detailed instructions on how to use it. She'll hear you.

As for the self-issued invitation for Thanksgiving, you must ring or write to the people she has invited to your house, leaving her to last, and inform them that regrettably you have had to cancel the party at your place. You don't have to give a reason. Sure, it isn't pleasant, but unless you do, the woman will continue to walk over you. Do it at once; you owe her other victims the courtesy of giving them suufficient time to make alternative arrangements for themselves.

Reading between the lines, I gather MIL (or is it SIL, whichever) is from out of town. *What* a pity you just cannot offer her hospitality at this time. Offer to make a hotel booking for her -- you are not obliged to pay for it, saving her the trouble of booking is generosity enough -- and explain that the hotel you suggest has catering facilities for parties.

[rug]

20. Send her daughter a pregnancy test kit.

[Phentex]

21. LOL!

B-)

For the teen who has everything....

[Darth_Kitten]

23. Buy her some nice soap.........

with a note that she needs to clean up her attitude. :)

Sorry, she's dense, ungrateful,and selfish.

Maybe not get anything, sorry, but those kids are not doing without. :(

[Anarcho-Socialist]

25. Yes, and they expect it too

They're more into the consumerist dream and expect me to buy expensive junk they'll never/rarely use.

[nini]

26. the kids aren't ungrateful - their mom's just a bitch

get them what you want and ignore her. If you're on good terms with the kids, then get them something.


She's the one who needs to be left off the list.

[hippywife]

29. I guess this is one upshot to being poor.

We don't buy gifts for people at Christmas because we can't afford it. Everyone knows this and seems to accept it.

[idgiehkt]

36. I think that is wonderful

I am not sure that I have ever received a useful Christmas gift in my adult life, except for maybe socks.
Clothing is always the wrong size or in the wrong color, other stuff is stuff I would never buy, almost all of it ends up at goodwill or the salvation army. If I give gifts (on years I'm totally broke I just give baked goods) it's either a small amount of cash or a gift certificate to a store the person frequents. That way they can get something they want. I hate the whole stinking holiday, because my family and relatives are not wealthy, except for a handful, and I just hate the stress of all that spent money and all that credit card debt and what it does to everyone. I guess I'm a grinch.

[hippywife]

43. For a long time now

my family has given the money to charity or adopted a family in need at Christmas. My MIL and I have been trying to talk that side of the family into do the same but they never do end up doing it.

My sister takes my neice to the grocery store the week of Christmas with 4 envelopes, each containing a hundred dollars. They lurk in the aisles and my sister hides while my neice gives one envelope to each of four shoppers who they both agree looks like they could use the help so they can have Christmas dinner for their families, or use it in whatever way they need to. I think she calls it Anonymous Angel. Since my neice (daughter of a different sibling) is very spoiled, it goes a long way into injecting some humility into her life.

I'm not into the whole gift thing either and do make alot of baked goods at Christmas, too.

[marlakay]

30. Agree to cancel dinner

I can't imagine a whole day more or less a whole weekend with undercurrents like that. Stuff like that can make you physically sick from the stress.

We have a problem in my family too. Not so much with my kids. I give my grown girls (late 20's) gift cards because neither have alot of money to shop with and its fun for them. For the grand kids neither of my girls tell me what to get. But my problem is my husbands kids and grandkids. He had big fight with older daughter in May and they aren't speaking and his grand kids being loyal to mom have no contact with him either. For years (the last 5 or so) I have sent gifts to them on christmas and birthdays and get no thank yous or anything. Mike's ex wife who is now married to money gives them expensive gifts and they praise her.

Last year we bought grand daughter $250 diamond ring for her 18th b'day and never got a thank you at all. Its hard for me because my kids are not like that. My younger one sends me thank you notes and older one always calls. I don't want to compare kids but its obvious they were raised with NO manners!

I don't want to buy anything for spoiled kids but since their not mine I feel obligated to. Don't know what I am going to do this year since it has gone from few phone calls a year to nothing with his older daughter.

[WolverineDG]

32. If they're not yours

why feel obligated? I used to be guilted into busting my ass & budget getting stuff for people (family members) who either snotted at what I got or never acknowledged that I had given them anything. Kicker: these same folks would use all kinds of excuses why "I just couldn't get you anything this year."

Well, one year, I said "Fuck all this." I got presents for the people I knew appreciated them, sponsored a couple of kids on the Salvation Army's Angel Tree & ignored everyone else. Guess what? No one called & asked "where's my present?"

If these kids are adults, then don't feel guilty if you get them nothing. I'm stunned that you didn't get a "Thank you" note for the $250 ring. Don't even consider sending anything to that ungrateful witch this year. Screw 'em all. If they don't appreciate you or your husband, give what you would have spent on them to a local charity.

dg

[NC_Nurse]

31. I think the charity idea is a good one.

You don't have to send them an announcement of it. Most charities will send out a card indicating that a gift was given in their name.
Heifer International is a good one and the kids might like the idea that you gave a goat or chicken to a needy family somewhere for them.

You can tell you SIL that the name of the organization reminded you of her. :evilgrin:

There are a lot of people out there who have forgotten the meaning of the word GIFT. It's not about entitlements or demands. These people need a reminder.

Also, NOBODY invites people to my house for me. When I want you - I'LL let you know. You need to have a little chat with your MIL and let her know this in no uncertain terms.

[idgiehkt]

33. I have mixed feelings about this.

Depending on her reasons. Does she not eat your food because of lifestyle choices, because of being a vegetarian or vegan, or maybe because she's avoiding processed foods? I personally would not be offended by someone bringing their own food, many people have special diets that don't have anything to do with allergies, like Aktins for special requirements for diabetes or whatever. It's hard to make a judgement about that without knowing her reasons. (And frankly some people have paranoid delusions and think people are trying to poison them, lol...you're not going to work though that one at a holiday dinner).

If I had kids, I'm not sure that I wouldn't follow a similar action when it came to holidays...I would really want my kids to use products that weren't tested on animals (cruelty-free), so I might try to help people pick appropriate gifts so that their money wasn't wasted.

Re this:

"She insists we buy them underwear, socks, clothes, and all that BORING stuff. They are not poor. They take cruises and vacations every year."

I think you said it yourself, the children are not poor. They are not deprived in any way, but you sound like you feel they are being deprived because you have to buy them 'boring' gifts. I'm not trying to be a hardliner here, and I know this isn't the popular answer, but being that the children take yearly vacations and are being well-provided for, I think the parent's wishes in this case should be respected, regardless of whether you think that the mother is a 'bitch' or not. To not do so is just going to make her feel disrespected and cause more tension in the family. Is that what you want? I think it's perfectly okay to let the children know in whatever way that you wanted to buy them this or that but that you decided to respect their mother's wishes. Then you would be modeling appropriate adult behavior for them instead of just stirring the pot. I can't see how any good could come from blatantly flauting her wishes like this. It's only going to cause tension, which the family will carry back their home with them, and imagine how that might affect the kids..it's not worth it. It's just very 'American' to think that plastic thingie things and products make this much of a difference one way or another, enough to warrant bringing about this kind of drama, and not a good lesson to be teaching kids I don't think.

[WolverineDG]

34. I understand "don't get this stuff" lists

but when it's stuff the parents don't think is appropriate for their children. I often call my cousin to ask if X or Y is okay for me to give to one of her kids. But insisting you get underwear? Underwear is not a present!

I'd get kids gift cards to Best Buy so they can buy music (the louder the better to drive her mother crazy with---ah the gift that keeps on giving) & maybe some video games.

Don't cut the kids off because the mom's a bitch.

dg

[bleedingheart]

35. What she does is terribly rude...and in poor taste and poor manners

so I say fuck her...buy what the kids want...

I know people like that and the more you coddle them the ruder they get.

[William Bloode]

37. I buy no gifts except for kids.

Known fact to my family. If your older than 12 yer gettin' a card, tough shit. Everyone gets a card whether i like them or not.
Also i do not expect any gifts, nor will i accept any. To me Christmass is for kids. I'm not a grouch either, i love Christmas. For me i get plenty of joy cooking, eating, seeing relatives i have missed, and the many parties i attend.

[Kali]

38. Gift cards to dept store?

that way they have a chance to get something they want or mom has to be the "drag" person that forces them to buy socks.

I liked the suggestion above to call everyone your (bitch) MIL invited to YOUR house without consulting you first, and regretfully inform them it ain't happening.

[alittlelark]

40. That was my first thought as well

That way the mom can be the bad guy that forces them to buy socks with their gift cards!

[LeftyMom]

39. Get the kids smething reasonable that they'll enjoy. Buy Mom socks and undies.

:evilgrin:

[Kali]

41. this is actually a great (passive agressive) idea!

[Evoman]

42. Buy the kids whatever YOU want to buy them, and send your sister in law a dictionary with a tab.

on the word Bitch. Then cut out a picture of her face and tape it beside the word.

Imagine how funny everyone will find it! Your whole family will laugh and laugh for days, and it will bring you all closer together.