Democratic Underground Latest Greatest Lobby Journals Search Options Help Login
Google

The player rated worst in the NFL by Madden lets him know how he feels

Printer-friendly format Printer-friendly format
Printer-friendly format Email this thread to a friend
Printer-friendly format Bookmark this thread
This topic is archived.
Home » Discuss » The DU Lounge Donate to DU
 
Fuzz Donating Member (1000+ posts) Send PM | Profile | Ignore Thu Oct-12-06 05:27 PM
Original message
The player rated worst in the NFL by Madden lets him know how he feels
An image of excellence.
To: John Madden
CC: Electronic Arts Sports
From: Ethan Albright
Re: Being the worst rated player on Madden 07

Hi, John, my name is Ethan Albright. I play line for the Washington Redskins. You probably already knew that, so Ill continue. I am writing in regards to the overall player rating of 53 that I have received in Madden NFL Football 2007. I feel that this is fucking bullshit and you should kiss my mother-fucking ass. Ahmed Carroll was rated a 78 and the Packers just cut his ass on a Tuesday morning after his performance in a Monday night game. That is pretty terrible. The worst part is that his overall rating was sniffing 80.

You know what, John? Two can play this game. I rate you a fucking 12. I rate you a fucking 12 in Ethan Albright Football 2000-ever except for in the category of ball-licking. That is where I will spot you a 98 rating. You will receive this score because I will never give your blubbery ass a 99 in any category. Take that, pencil-dick. Go do Al Micheals or something. Boom. Score one for Red Beard.

Its also pretty wonderful that my awareness rating was 59. You make it sound like I wake up in the morning, helplessly shit and piss myself, then lose three of my teeth before I discover that I am trying to eat a rock for breakfast. Fuck, John, I understand you saying that I am slow and lacking athleticism, but a rating like this pretty much labels me as retarded. Rod He Hate Me Smart has a 52 in this category. Electronic Arts is saying that seven rating points separate me and the breathing embodiment of the perfect oxymoron. Rod Smart struggled to arrange words in sentence form. Cave men had better hold of the English language. The only actions that separate point values of ignorance at this embarrassing level are things like using your own toothbrush to wipe your ass. I basically edged out Rod by my lack of shit teeth. If I take a night school class, could you bump me up to a 60?

I guess I just cant fathom the fact that I am the absolute worst player rated out of the entire NFL. Fuck, man, there are some shitty guys out there. Amongst everyone, I was rated the absolute worst.

I have received the impression that you feel that I am lacking in the agility category. I should consider a walk through my living room where I dont crash trough a wall or kick over furniture a resounding success. My agility rating on your game is 33. It makes it sound like I just topple over if I start walking too fast. Ted Washington is rated a 40 in agility. He is listed at 365 ponds. If Ted Washington tied a white lady up and made her wear a metal bikini, hed look just like Jabba the Hut.

John, you are such a fucking dick. I also noticed that my kick return rating was a 0. I was rated a fucking zero? So you feel that I shouldnt even receive a 10, or even a 5? You are pretty much saying that I couldnt even fall forward on a ball kicked in my direction. I would just stand there and let the ball bounce off of my fucking face. Fuck that, John, I returned an onside kick 6 yards in 2002. You should have just slapped a - 4 on me and had the EA staff ambush me with paintball guns.

Finally, I would like to comment on an unlikely topic, my pass coverage ratings. I see that I am a better at man-to-man coverage (31) than zone (21). Fuck me sideways with a lunchbox. Where did these scores even come from? How much time is spent coming up with the pass coverage ratings of offensive lineman? Can I have that job? Lets see here, I think that Orlando Pace would be slightly better at jumping intermediate routes than Larry Allen. While Im at it, I can assign the passing ratings for offensive lineman as well. I can use mine as a guide.

I was rated with a throwing power of 17 and accuracy of 16. Orlando Pace is has a 22 power and 17 accuracy rating. Did someone at EA really put time into figuring out that Orlando Pace edges out Ethan Albright in both throwing power and accuracy? I will challenge him any day. My horrible passer ratings are of greatest misfortune to my son, Red Beard Jr. The poor boy is not only hideously ugly and covered by freakishly large freckles. He also has to suffer through playing catch with me and my senile-elderly-woman-type passer ratings. A session of tossing the pigskin usually consists of me missing my son by thirty yards in sporadic directions. I led him in front of a fire truck once and my wife kicked my ass. This is because of my 76 toughness rating. Yes, a 76 is far better than the other ratings, but Im a fucking lineman, damn it. NFL Linemen are considered to be synonymous with toughness. According to your game, I am a retarded, uncoordinated, pussy-ass fuckwad that cant fall on a kickoff, throw, or spell. I am, however, slightly better at manning up on a receiver than dropping into zone coverage. You lose your mind more and more each year, old man.

Fuck you, John. Please expect to find red pubes in various meals you consume for the rest of your life. If you fuck with Ethan Albright, you call down the thunder.

Rot in Hell,

Ethan Albright

http://duggmirror.com/gaming_news/NFL_PRO_emails_JOHN_M...
Printer Friendly | Permalink |  | Top
Nickster Donating Member (1000+ posts) Send PM | Profile | Ignore Thu Oct-12-06 06:02 PM
Response to Original message
1. LMAO, thanks I really need a laugh right about now. n/t
Printer Friendly | Permalink |  | Top
 
leftofthedial Donating Member (1000+ posts) Send PM | Profile | Ignore Thu Oct-12-06 06:12 PM
Response to Original message
2. I am now an Ethan Albright fan
I don't particularly like football, and I'd never heard of him before, but this made me laugh and I needed it.

Thanks!
Printer Friendly | Permalink |  | Top
 
Robb Donating Member (1000+ posts) Send PM | Profile | Ignore Thu Oct-12-06 06:38 PM
Response to Original message
3. This is great
I, too, am now a fan. :D
Printer Friendly | Permalink |  | Top
 
Missy Vixen Donating Member (1000+ posts) Send PM | Profile | Ignore Thu Oct-12-06 06:42 PM
Response to Original message
4. Okay, that's funny
I'm ashamed to say I laughed through the whole thing.

Julie
Printer Friendly | Permalink |  | Top
 
NJ Democrats Donating Member (1000+ posts) Send PM | Profile | Ignore Thu Oct-12-06 06:42 PM
Response to Original message
5. Wow this is so funny..
But I wouldn't root for him cause he plays for the 'skins
Printer Friendly | Permalink |  | Top
 
idgiehkt Donating Member (1000+ posts) Send PM | Profile | Ignore Thu Oct-12-06 09:06 PM
Response to Original message
6. sounds like the rude pundit of sports n/t
Printer Friendly | Permalink |  | Top
 
puerco-bellies Donating Member (1000+ posts) Send PM | Profile | Ignore Thu Oct-12-06 09:14 PM
Response to Original message
7. Outstanding.. LOL
This is the first I've heard of him, but now he's my favorite player. At least till L.A. gets another team.
Printer Friendly | Permalink |  | Top
 
Generic Brad Donating Member (1000+ posts) Send PM | Profile | Ignore Thu Oct-12-06 09:58 PM
Response to Original message
8. Damn. And I thought my Madden 2007 defense was awesome against Washington
I had no idea it was because the electronic version of Ethan Albright was so bad.

That is the funniest thing I have read all week! I'd be pissed too if I were him, but not nearly as eloquent.
Printer Friendly | Permalink |  | Top
 
Blue_Tires Donating Member (1000+ posts) Send PM | Profile | Ignore Thu Oct-12-06 10:11 PM
Response to Original message
9. bloody brilliant!!!!
Printer Friendly | Permalink |  | Top
 
Bryan Donating Member (1000+ posts) Send PM | Profile | Ignore Thu Oct-12-06 10:24 PM
Response to Original message
10. I loved this, and I'm not even a sports fan
Assuming he wrote this unaided, this Albright fellow has a gift for sarcastic invective that Hunter Thompson would have envied. First-class.
Printer Friendly | Permalink |  | Top
 
Broken_Hero Donating Member (1000+ posts) Send PM | Profile | Ignore Fri Oct-13-06 01:21 AM
Response to Original message
11. .........
:rofl:
Printer Friendly | Permalink |  | Top
 
nickinSTL Donating Member (1000+ posts) Send PM | Profile | Ignore Fri Oct-13-06 08:06 AM
Response to Original message
12. ha!
I HATE John Madden...he's a freaking idiot (he may know football, but he can't talk without making a complete ass of himself) so, reading someone going off on him is entertaining, to say the least.
Printer Friendly | Permalink |  | Top
 
regularguy Donating Member (1000+ posts) Send PM | Profile | Ignore Fri Oct-13-06 08:07 AM
Response to Original message
13. This guy is God
Printer Friendly | Permalink |  | Top
 
peekaloo Donating Member (1000+ posts) Send PM | Profile | Ignore Fri Oct-13-06 09:32 AM
Response to Original message
14. Ethan "He So Funny" Albright!
:yourock:

:rofl:
Printer Friendly | Permalink |  | Top
 
Rabrrrrrr Donating Member (1000+ posts) Send PM | Profile | Ignore Fri Oct-13-06 09:47 AM
Response to Original message
15. That's fuckin' sweet!
He must be one of the most literate football players out there - wonderful writing!
Printer Friendly | Permalink |  | Top
 
BarenakedLady Donating Member (1000+ posts) Send PM | Profile | Ignore Fri Oct-13-06 09:52 AM
Response to Original message
16. Ha
That was so funny.

:rofl:
Printer Friendly | Permalink |  | Top
 
Ravenseye Donating Member (1000+ posts) Send PM | Profile | Ignore Fri Oct-13-06 09:59 AM
Response to Original message
17. That's hilarious
I've heard before that NFL players put alot of stock into how they're rated in Madden, whether they admit it or not, but I guess someone has to be the worst player in the NFL. Too funny.
Printer Friendly | Permalink |  | Top
 
malmapus Donating Member (1000+ posts) Send PM | Profile | Ignore Fri Oct-13-06 11:02 AM
Response to Original message
18. LOL ...seriously wiping tears from my eyes..that was awesome!
Oh man, very good read thanks!!
Printer Friendly | Permalink |  | Top
 
Gidney N Cloyd Donating Member (1000+ posts) Send PM | Profile | Ignore Fri Oct-13-06 11:04 AM
Response to Original message
19. Oh, fuck me sideways with a lunchbox, that was funny!
Printer Friendly | Permalink |  | Top
 
Fuzz Donating Member (1000+ posts) Send PM | Profile | Ignore Fri Oct-13-06 04:52 PM
Response to Original message
20. Gonna bump this for the Friday night folks
Printer Friendly | Permalink |  | Top
 
denverbill Donating Member (1000+ posts) Send PM | Profile | Ignore Fri Oct-13-06 05:14 PM
Response to Original message
21. That was great. Thanks for the laugh! n/t
Printer Friendly | Permalink |  | Top
 
OhioBlue Donating Member (1000+ posts) Send PM | Profile | Ignore Fri Oct-13-06 05:15 PM
Response to Original message
22. omg!
this is the funniest thing I have read in a very long time.

:rofl:
Printer Friendly | Permalink |  | Top
 
Bucky Donating Member (1000+ posts) Send PM | Profile | Ignore Fri Oct-13-06 05:46 PM
Response to Original message
23. That said, he doesn't seem to know what an oxymoron is.
Edited on Fri Oct-13-06 05:46 PM by Bucky
To quote:
Its also pretty wonderful that my awareness rating was 59. You make it sound like I wake up in the morning, helplessly shit and piss myself, then lose three of my teeth before I discover that I am trying to eat a rock for breakfast. Fuck, John, I understand you saying that I am slow and lacking athleticism, but a rating like this pretty much labels me as retarded. Rod He Hate Me Smart has a 52 in this category. Electronic Arts is saying that seven rating points separate me and the breathing embodiment of the perfect oxymoron.

While you're protesting slurs against your intelligence, it's probably better not to illustrate your lack of it.
Printer Friendly | Permalink |  | Top
 
Scooter24 Donating Member (1000+ posts) Send PM | Profile | Ignore Fri Oct-13-06 07:27 PM
Response to Original message
24. You should have just slapped a - 4 on me and had the EA staff ambush me...
...with paintball guns.
:spray:

:rofl:
Printer Friendly | Permalink |  | Top
 
Elidor Donating Member (1000+ posts) Send PM | Profile | Ignore Fri Oct-13-06 07:42 PM
Response to Original message
25. For the record, Ethan Albright didn't actually write this
Though he probably wishes he did. :) It's a guy named Juan Turlington. Credit where credit is due.
Printer Friendly | Permalink |  | Top
 
DU AdBot (1000+ posts) Click to send private message to this author Click to view 
this author's profile Click to add 
this author to your buddy list Click to add 
this author to your Ignore list Thu Oct 02nd 2014, 06:21 AM
Response to Original message
Advertisements [?]
 Top

Home » Discuss » The DU Lounge Donate to DU

Powered by DCForum+ Version 1.1 Copyright 1997-2002 DCScripts.com
Software has been extensively modified by the DU administrators


Important Notices: By participating on this discussion board, visitors agree to abide by the rules outlined on our Rules page. Messages posted on the Democratic Underground Discussion Forums are the opinions of the individuals who post them, and do not necessarily represent the opinions of Democratic Underground, LLC.

Home  |  Discussion Forums  |  Journals |  Store  |  Donate

About DU  |  Contact Us  |  Privacy Policy

Got a message for Democratic Underground? Click here to send us a message.

© 2001 - 2011 Democratic Underground, LLC