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populistmom Donating Member (1000+ posts) Send PM | Profile | Ignore Wed Dec-10-03 12:27 AM
Original message
How do you deal with hypersensitive people?
Edited on Wed Dec-10-03 12:30 AM by populistmom
You know the type of people who get upset at the slightest anything resembling a criticism. Or even when you simply point out a difference, all their defenses go up and they lash out somewhat (not physically, but verbally or give you the cold shoulder). It's the kind of situation that I know isn't really me so much, but the less I feed into it and more healthy and uncodependant I am about it all, they worse it gets. Ever find yourself appologizing to make someone else feel better when you did nothing wrong? (I used to, but don't so much now.) And if it's a person that in one way or another, you would never be able to avoid in your life completely? What would you do?
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Aristus Donating Member (1000+ posts) Send PM | Profile | Ignore Wed Dec-10-03 12:30 AM
Response to Original message
1. What do you mean by that, huh?
Implying something about me, are you? Huh? Huh?

:-)
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populistmom Donating Member (1000+ posts) Send PM | Profile | Ignore Wed Dec-10-03 12:39 AM
Response to Reply #1
11. Hey, who told Aristus I was talking about him?
;)
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kodi Donating Member (1000+ posts) Send PM | Profile | Ignore Wed Dec-10-03 02:04 AM
Response to Reply #1
24. welcome to DU, travis bickle,
taxi anyone?
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nothingshocksmeanymore Donating Member (1000+ posts) Send PM | Profile | Ignore Wed Dec-10-03 12:31 AM
Response to Original message
2. If it's not your family or someone that needs to be in your life
Edited on Wed Dec-10-03 12:33 AM by nothingshocksmeanymo
don't deal with it. Let them go run their shit on someone else. Life's too short.

If they need to be there. Then learn to distinguish what is theirs and what is yours and first tell yourself, "This isn't mine" If it isn't - then find a way to have them get that too.
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populistmom Donating Member (1000+ posts) Send PM | Profile | Ignore Wed Dec-10-03 12:33 AM
Response to Reply #2
5. Oh it's family
Edited on Wed Dec-10-03 12:37 AM by populistmom
I can't avoid it. It has gotten worse over the years and it is just exhausting really.

More: I guess that's the thing. I'm healthy enough to know it's not me, but the other person has a hard time seeing it, but sometimes they do to an extent. They had been going to therapy, but weren't being honest or productive with it.
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nothingshocksmeanymore Donating Member (1000+ posts) Send PM | Profile | Ignore Wed Dec-10-03 12:34 AM
Response to Reply #5
6. Response
Edited on Wed Dec-10-03 12:48 AM by nothingshocksmeanymo
They weren't winning in therapy because they refused to because to do otherwise is to cede power. There is a payoff for that behavior and a cost. The payoff is they get to dominate and manipulate...the cost (with me anyway) is any sense of affinity or relationship with them. Even if I am related. I will work with them if they can see their own issues...or I will walk away. I won't lose myself for someone else's manipulative behavior.

Even in my family. They know they have my full support..but ASK ME don't guilt me into it or I will tell you you are guilting me into it and I won't humor it.
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populistmom Donating Member (1000+ posts) Send PM | Profile | Ignore Wed Dec-10-03 12:55 AM
Response to Reply #6
16. True, true
Edited on Wed Dec-10-03 01:05 AM by populistmom
This person knows they will face a similar cost if things don't change, ultimately affinity is getting rather strained to say the least, but I guess it is really about control and manipulation, isn't it? Thanks, at least some validation can be helpful because sometimes other people just don't make sense to me, those that are a bit more screwy than myself that I have to deal with anyway.
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nothingshocksmeanymore Donating Member (1000+ posts) Send PM | Profile | Ignore Wed Dec-10-03 01:06 AM
Response to Reply #16
19. The behavior won't alter until the cost is greater than the payoff
Edited on Wed Dec-10-03 01:07 AM by nothingshocksmeanymo
And the cost can't be greater than the payoff, if you keep paying them off. If it's family, I am not saying don't love them but since when is loving equal to capitulating to a destructive behavior?
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BelleCarolinaPeridot Donating Member (1000+ posts) Send PM | Profile | Ignore Wed Dec-10-03 12:31 AM
Response to Original message
3. Tell them to take some time and smell the coffee
Tell them they should take a chill pill and just leave those type of people alone . My aunt is one of those people . My mom and I have learned that we have to ignore her , if not we will be just upset as she easily gets . Toxic people - just ignore them .
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populistmom Donating Member (1000+ posts) Send PM | Profile | Ignore Wed Dec-10-03 12:34 AM
Response to Reply #3
7. That's kind of what I've done
Sort of ignore it as much as possible.
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BelleCarolinaPeridot Donating Member (1000+ posts) Send PM | Profile | Ignore Wed Dec-10-03 12:38 AM
Response to Reply #7
10. Continue to do that for the sake of your own sanity
My aunt constantly looks for things to complain about . Every holiday dinner is ruined because she gets up in arms over the slightest thing . If someone does not give her child a full cup of water or something , she is up in arms over nothing ?!?!?! Toxic people - shake your head at them , avoid them and ignore them at all times - even if you do love them . Avoid them because it could lead to fights sometimes lol .
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La_Serpiente Donating Member (1000+ posts) Send PM | Profile | Ignore Wed Dec-10-03 12:32 AM
Response to Original message
4. I usually think before I say anything
Edited on Wed Dec-10-03 12:33 AM by La_Serpiente
If I feel like I said was right, then I tell them why it was right. However, if they just keep on bitchin', then I just don't respond to them because they will never stop. I think they take joy in winning an argument in order to boost their ego.

But if I am in an hypersensitive environment, then I just don't respond to anyone.
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populistmom Donating Member (1000+ posts) Send PM | Profile | Ignore Wed Dec-10-03 12:48 AM
Response to Reply #4
14. It's a lot about ego
It's about their insecurities, more than it is about me. It's just worse because I stopped playing the whole game and I'm a much more confident person myself than I once was.
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kayleybeth Donating Member (1000+ posts) Send PM | Profile | Ignore Wed Dec-10-03 12:35 AM
Response to Original message
8. If at all possible
I avoid them. Sometimes that is the only way to keep the peace.
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populistmom Donating Member (1000+ posts) Send PM | Profile | Ignore Wed Dec-10-03 12:47 AM
Response to Reply #8
13. I wish
I really wish.
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SOteric Donating Member (1000+ posts) Send PM | Profile | Ignore Wed Dec-10-03 12:38 AM
Response to Original message
9. The same way I deal with emotional bullies,
as there's not much difference, really:

Drop everything and leave the room, take a drive around the block if I have to. Shut 'em down cold.

It helps to have an excellent sense of what's real and what's my contribution in an interaction.
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populistmom Donating Member (1000+ posts) Send PM | Profile | Ignore Wed Dec-10-03 12:45 AM
Response to Reply #9
12. I've had to do that at times
Frequently, it can makes the most sense for arguments that make no sense. Usually, I play it through because I have no fear of standing my ground, because otherwise I'm accused of trying to run away from the problem.
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cliss Donating Member (1000+ posts) Send PM | Profile | Ignore Wed Dec-10-03 12:53 AM
Response to Original message
15. Populist, the best thing
you can do is be sympathetic, be aware of their hypersensitivity, but at some point just let go of it. It's part of setting boundaries. I'm comfortable with who I am today.

If there is someone in my life who is very demanding, or emotionally or psychically draining, I try to determine what is my role in the scenario, what is their role, and then just let go of it.

For example, if I'm around someone who wants to pick a fight, I'll try my best to avoid it. I'll try to talk to the person, reason things out to see if we can come up with a solution.

If that still doesn't work, then I just shrug my shoulders, let go of the problem and let it be the other person's problem. I have absolutely no guilt or shame, or any of that. I know in my heart I tried, and that's all I can do.

By the way, it REALLY helps to get away from people who are emotionally draining on you. That's what I used to do, when I lived with someone who was absolutely impossible to live with. I left for LONG periods of time, and it saved my sanity.
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populistmom Donating Member (1000+ posts) Send PM | Profile | Ignore Wed Dec-10-03 12:59 AM
Response to Reply #15
17. Boundaries are good
Having some space to realize what's not your problem and not feeding into it. I'm getting better at it. Sometimes, as much space as you can get does help I must admit.
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HEyHEY Donating Member (1000+ posts) Send PM | Profile | Ignore Wed Dec-10-03 01:05 AM
Response to Original message
18. Tell myself to calm down
;-)
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wtmusic Donating Member (1000+ posts) Send PM | Profile | Ignore Wed Dec-10-03 01:11 AM
Response to Original message
20. Avoid them
Life is too short
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corarose Donating Member (1000+ posts) Send PM | Profile | Ignore Wed Dec-10-03 01:23 AM
Response to Original message
21. You don't talk behind behind their backs while claiming to be a friend
When you know someone is sensitive and you talk behind their back. But what you don't know is that someone is in the room that's a friend of the "Hypersensitive" person and that person reports back to the person that is being talked about to let them know someone is two faced. You know like a chat room and the people giving suggestions really don't know anything about the person it's all assumptions and one of the people in the chat group is jealous of a person so she gives out bad advice on purpose because she is in the same field and she thinks that she is the only one in that field.
Hmmm Is that hypersensitive or not?

Would you call that a Two Faced person who likes to talk about someone behind their back and then talk to them at the same time while they pretend that he/she is avoiding them like the plague to get sympathy from the other people and suggestions from people that might be leading them in the wrong direction?

Hmmm I wonder is that a situation that you guys are talking about.

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Name removed Donating Member (0 posts) Send PM | Profile | Ignore Wed Dec-10-03 02:12 AM
Response to Reply #21
26. Deleted message
Message removed by moderator. Click here to review the message board rules.
 
Name removed Donating Member (0 posts) Send PM | Profile | Ignore Wed Dec-10-03 02:15 AM
Response to Reply #26
28. Deleted message
Message removed by moderator. Click here to review the message board rules.
 
Name removed Donating Member (0 posts) Send PM | Profile | Ignore Wed Dec-10-03 02:19 AM
Response to Reply #28
30. Deleted message
Message removed by moderator. Click here to review the message board rules.
 
corarose Donating Member (1000+ posts) Send PM | Profile | Ignore Wed Dec-10-03 02:32 AM
Response to Reply #30
31. Chefs are sensitive and you know it
I know you know it!
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corarose Donating Member (1000+ posts) Send PM | Profile | Ignore Wed Dec-10-03 02:40 AM
Response to Reply #30
32. When someone tells you something doesn't taste right
You take it personal right?
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Booberdawg Donating Member (1000+ posts) Send PM | Profile | Ignore Wed Dec-10-03 06:15 AM
Response to Reply #28
39. Please take this to another time, place, or thread
If you would please take a moment to read and consider the words, the person, and the feelings of the DUer in the original post - your response, and the direction you have taken does not appear to have any resemblance to the topic of this thread.

Perhaps you could take this particular drama up elsewhere? It would certainly be most appreciated.

And, Thanks :D
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Booberdawg Donating Member (1000+ posts) Send PM | Profile | Ignore Wed Dec-10-03 04:12 AM
Response to Reply #26
35. Yes, this post was clearly about a family member
Edited on Wed Dec-10-03 05:05 AM by Booberdawg
It also happens to be a DUer from my hometown.

So, I was quite disappointed to see after I had posted my response that someone had turned this thread into a personal pissing contest

I know it wasn't you, SO. I just think my post would have been deleted if I had to express myself under the appropriate header.

Nuff said.

Linda
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Booberdawg Donating Member (1000+ posts) Send PM | Profile | Ignore Wed Dec-10-03 03:44 AM
Response to Reply #21
34. *sigh*
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Kanary Donating Member (1000+ posts) Send PM | Profile | Ignore Wed Dec-10-03 01:44 AM
Response to Original message
22. Before condemming Sensitive People, read..
..The Highly Sensitive Person, by Dr. Elaine Aron.

There is so much misinformation and misunderstanding about what Sensitivity is, and how important it is as a trait. Rather than to keep perpetuating the myths, it's time to raise awareness.

You may be surprised at the reality of sensitivity if you are willing to read about it.

Kanary
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corarose Donating Member (1000+ posts) Send PM | Profile | Ignore Wed Dec-10-03 01:54 AM
Response to Reply #22
23. Highly Sensitive People
Are very aware of things and they have feelings that others don't have. They are more sensual and they have passions that are unlike people that are not sensitive.
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VermontDem2004 Donating Member (1000+ posts) Send PM | Profile | Ignore Wed Dec-10-03 07:57 AM
Response to Reply #22
44. Sounds interesting
Some people say I am too sensitive and after reading the user comments and overview of the book It looks interesting and will be sure to check it. Thanks for the heads up.
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Kanary Donating Member (1000+ posts) Send PM | Profile | Ignore Wed Dec-10-03 11:11 AM
Response to Reply #44
56. You're welcome, VermontDem
I sure wish other people would be willing to read about a subject instead of continuuing with the same uninformed prejudices.

Imagine some of these things being said about race issues, or gender issues, etc etc etc.

There's also a website, and you might want to take a look at that.

I hope it's helpful to you!

Kanary
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smirkymonkey Donating Member (1000+ posts) Send PM | Profile | Ignore Wed Dec-10-03 12:31 PM
Response to Reply #56
65. What is the website called?
I am interested in looking at it. Thanks.
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populistmom Donating Member (1000+ posts) Send PM | Profile | Ignore Wed Dec-10-03 10:27 PM
Response to Reply #22
86. See post #78
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onebigbadwulf Donating Member (1000+ posts) Send PM | Profile | Ignore Wed Dec-10-03 02:07 AM
Response to Original message
25. Do it so much they cant help but stop caring
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SOteric Donating Member (1000+ posts) Send PM | Profile | Ignore Wed Dec-10-03 02:13 AM
Response to Reply #25
27. Oh you.
:spank:

:-)
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onebigbadwulf Donating Member (1000+ posts) Send PM | Profile | Ignore Wed Dec-10-03 02:16 AM
Response to Reply #27
29. Mmm kinky
}(
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Booberdawg Donating Member (1000+ posts) Send PM | Profile | Ignore Wed Dec-10-03 03:24 AM
Response to Original message
33. It sounds like someone you cannot avoid - possibly a family member?
Edited on Wed Dec-10-03 03:35 AM by Booberdawg
I'm just picking up on what you have said in your original post that this is someone you cannot avoid in your life "completely"

Actually, I pick up several things from your post and now from reading this thread.

And, I know you were raised in the mid-west in the same area where I was and practically in my back yard so I feel a little bit of kinship there.

:yourock: Still! Again!!

The more you get in to describing how less "uncodependant" you are about the situation the worse it gets. In other words, the way I am seeing you describe this, the more resistance and self confidence you have to being controlled and manipulated by this other person, the harder they push to manipulate and control you.

If you are finding yourself getting the cold shoulder or you are apologizing for something that someone else has done that is making the situation get more uncomfortable then I can understand that because I have been there, but STOP DOING THAT! They will suck the life out of you so quit it and go with your gut on this. You are right in your feelings about this. They are manipulating and controlling you. Its hard to learn to quit altogether, but once you have it mastered it, it is much easier recognize and to continue resisting it.

If you are in to reading books there was one I read many years ago that I considered a real eye opener that might be helpful on this topic. It is called The Dance of Anger, and it describes how we step in these dances we find ourselves in like codependence, and how we can choose to stop stepping into theses dances we find ourselves in. I know I found the book very helpful at the time.

Tell whomever it is to fuck off.

Just kidding.

But, not really kidding.

Ive done it.




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Piperay Donating Member (1000+ posts) Send PM | Profile | Ignore Wed Dec-10-03 04:38 AM
Response to Original message
36. I try to stay away from
Edited on Wed Dec-10-03 04:41 AM by Piperay
them, lately everyone seems to be hypersensitive toward themselves but only as far as it effects them. I am sick to death of having to be careful toward someone else when they don't give me the same courtesy.
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Kamika Donating Member (1000+ posts) Send PM | Profile | Ignore Wed Dec-10-03 05:38 AM
Response to Original message
37. I dive RIGHT in
I love that, I put myself in "100% honesty mode" and just watch the person explode
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Booberdawg Donating Member (1000+ posts) Send PM | Profile | Ignore Wed Dec-10-03 05:44 AM
Response to Reply #37
38. Or is that "implode"?
big difference. ;-)
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JM Donating Member (1000+ posts) Send PM | Profile | Ignore Wed Dec-10-03 07:05 AM
Response to Original message
40. It depends on the cause of the hypersensitivity
Is it a negativity/depression thing, where "Vitamin Z" might help, or is it someone who gets pissed when they are not the center of the universe and a Narcissists Anonymous meeting might be better?

I have a relative that falls in the latter. I used to be the former, but I got better. I finally realized my own behavior was self destructive, so I decided to change.

My relative, however, is starting to see the light. We still have problems, but since the great blowup of 2002 things have been better.

Being 500 miles apart helps some, but I still stand by my original statement that for me, France would not be far enough away.

I am also convinced that there is a melodrama gene that runs through the women in my mother's family. My grandmother, mother, and sister all have it.

Later,
JM
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Booberdawg Donating Member (1000+ posts) Send PM | Profile | Ignore Wed Dec-10-03 07:41 AM
Response to Reply #40
42. ROTFL! I love you JM!
:loveya: I appreciate every word you said!

And, being 500 miles apart really helps! :thumbsup:
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smirkymonkey Donating Member (1000+ posts) Send PM | Profile | Ignore Wed Dec-10-03 12:28 PM
Response to Reply #40
63. Excellent Response!
I have been on both sides, My family always told me I was hypersensitive when I was around them, but the truth was that certain family members were always making nasty, sarcastic jabs - I didn't realize it was them until people outside the family commented on their nastiness toward me (I don't fight back, which is MY boundary issue.)

On the other hand, I have know a lot of drama kings/queens who pull the angry or mopey routine when they are not the center of attention.

I guess it's a question of checking one's motives. If you are clear that you meant no ill-will, then their response is their problem. You don't need to be drawn into their drama. Eventually, they will stop playing the game when you don't feed into it.

Sometimes, that means avoiding them altogether. Good Luck!
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JM Donating Member (1000+ posts) Send PM | Profile | Ignore Wed Dec-10-03 05:20 PM
Response to Reply #63
83. Great advice here...
"If you are clear that you meant no ill-will, then their response is their problem. You don't need to be drawn into their drama. Eventually, they will stop playing the game when you don't feed into it."

This is what we now do. My mother and I had one hell of a blowup because she wanted to be the center of attention at her father's 85th birthday party. True, it was close to her birthday too, but rather than trying to be a positive part of the gathering, she picked a huge fight with me, my brother, and my sister. She now regrets it.

Later,
JM
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Commie Pinko Dirtbag Donating Member (1000+ posts) Send PM | Profile | Ignore Wed Dec-10-03 07:38 AM
Response to Original message
41. IT'S ME, ISN'T IT? STOP CALLING ME HYPERSENSITIVE YOU INSENSITIVE CLOD! nt
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supernova Donating Member (1000+ posts) Send PM | Profile | Ignore Wed Dec-10-03 07:54 AM
Response to Original message
43. One major point - One can be hypersensitve
and NOT be codependant or passive-agressive, or otherwise engage in manipulation of others. It is possible, but you have to work at understanding your sensitivity and how to meet that need.

Yes, I've read Elaine Aron's work. It was liberating.

As for booberdawg's relative. Explain up front what you can and cannot do with/for her. Be honest and kind. And whatever her reaction, just realize it isn't you. At some point you have separate what you did from what others do.
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Booberdawg Donating Member (1000+ posts) Send PM | Profile | Ignore Wed Dec-10-03 08:07 AM
Response to Reply #43
45. You are impressing the hell out of me these days, supernova
What is your secret?
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supernova Donating Member (1000+ posts) Send PM | Profile | Ignore Wed Dec-10-03 09:05 AM
Response to Reply #45
50. Aww gee,
thanks. :D As with anything else, it's mostly the school of hard knocks.

I'm from a family of sensitives. We all try very hard not to overly impose on each other b/c we're all fiercely independent too! Try having THAT dichotomy in your head! :crazy:

One thing that really works at the practical level is when we are in the planning stages of any family gathering/event, everybody states and negotiates around a couple of themes:

1) What they expect to get out of it. One will say, "I want to try a new recipe", another will say "I want to spend more time with cousin so-and so" (so don't expect me to be the kitchen/galley slave), another will say "I need to come late so I can help clean up"

2) How much effort/time or $$ you can afford to expend on the venture. This is a good time to say "I'll be late" or state your preference of days. Be honest and if you can't afford to give as much as you would like say so. Don't promise more than you can deliver then get all huffy later if asked to do more than what you planned.

3) Talk about how realistic or unrealistic 1 & 2 are for each individual.

Once we've negotated that and every one knows everyone else's expectations and if they can be met easily or not, it's easier to relax and just enjoy the company.

IOW, a little strategic planning in advance goes a long way.

As a sensitive, I know the thing that always makes me uneasy is if I don't know how much stimulation I'll have, especially at very large gatherings. I can't tell you how often I've had to walk out, take breathers, on the pretense of "getting some air" because I felt so overloaded.

Now, I just expect to be overloaded sometimes. And I've learned to enjoy that. I just make sure to have some down quiet time immediately before and after the event.

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Booberdawg Donating Member (1000+ posts) Send PM | Profile | Ignore Wed Dec-10-03 11:05 AM
Response to Reply #50
55. I understand the school of hard knocks, supernova
and graduated from there, with honors. (Gawd, don't think I could do it again, though)

Your #1 and #2 sound most reasonable, practical, and responsible to me. The only problem I have with that is that it assumes all reasonable, practical, and responsible people. LOL! You silly woman!

So, I work around the edges of reasonable, practical, and responsible. It works if you cut one completely out of the picture. Its just a lot more work. And I refuse to do it. So, they all of a sudden noticed. Now we are all waiting to find out who is in charge. Hehe! But, its not funny.
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radwriter0555 Donating Member (1000+ posts) Send PM | Profile | Ignore Wed Dec-10-03 08:12 AM
Response to Original message
46. Stop caring. Live your life for you, not them. This is an attention
getting technique, so that they feel SPECIAL.

You just simply have to stop caring what they think. Nothing more to it than that.
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Tharesa Donating Member (153 posts) Send PM | Profile | Ignore Wed Dec-10-03 08:35 AM
Response to Original message
47. That was another Dean-Green-Kucinich attack on Edwards-Clark-Kerry!!
You are a criminal. You are distorting the image of sanity and Godlike people, while demonizing those whose seek the path of rightousness. You owe all whom you seek to label as hypersensitive moronic losers, a humble and weepy apology! :cry:

You say it is not you, but all you are doing is passing the buck! You say others lash out, even as all they do is mock your aimless and weak meaderings! You blame them for giving you the cold shoulder, but only after you tried to put them on ice...

Morality is a one-sided, two-lane road! O8)
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Ellen Forradalom Donating Member (1000+ posts) Send PM | Profile | Ignore Wed Dec-10-03 08:37 AM
Response to Original message
48. It takes two to tango
I was teased mercilessly and used as the butt of jokes by my father and brothers during my childhood and youth. To avoid changing their own shitty behavior, they simply blamed me as 'hypersensitive.'

I am now married to someone who must compulsively find the one thing wrong with anything. The classic tale in our household is when I baked the Purim cookies called hamentaschen; he looked at my creation and asked, "Aren't they a little too brown?" and I burst into tears. Then he said, "Aw honey, I'm sorry, you did a mitzvah." It was a Jewish Lucy and Ricky moment.

The upshot it, I am not hypersensitive around everyone, only people who are deficient in finding halfway friendly things to say.

This is not to say that your friend may not be genuinely hypersensitive. But something in what you are saying and doing is setting off the alarms in his or her head. What might that be?
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Zomby Woof Donating Member (1000+ posts) Send PM | Profile | Ignore Wed Dec-10-03 11:46 AM
Response to Reply #48
60. out of the corner of my eye
That dreidel looks like someone flipping the bird. :-)

Random comment, over and out. :evilgrin:
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Ellen Forradalom Donating Member (1000+ posts) Send PM | Profile | Ignore Wed Dec-10-03 11:49 AM
Response to Reply #60
62. That's the second time someone has commented on that.
I'm gonna change my avatar right now.
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Zomby Woof Donating Member (1000+ posts) Send PM | Profile | Ignore Wed Dec-10-03 03:15 PM
Response to Reply #62
75. NO!
I liked it! I wish we did have a middle-finger avatar! :D

Maybe you can get a dreidel that says "Happy Fucking Holidays!" in Hebrew. :-)
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OldEurope Donating Member (654 posts) Send PM | Profile | Ignore Wed Dec-10-03 08:40 AM
Response to Original message
49. Im not quite sure what you wanted to point out. My son
used to get very angry at the slightest criticism. Not always, but very often he got completely mad about me just saying something like "that was not good" or "no, you have to wait until your homework is done". He treated his sisters toys with his feet, he ran away from home, he distroyed anything that he could reach. We did not know how to deal with such situations and the whole family was very unhappy. (We could not put our son on the ignore-list!)
A psychologist gave us some hints, and they work!
1. Ego-message. Always say what YOU are feeling! Example: Do not say "Your work is not ok", better say "For me this work does not seem ok". Dont say "Dont do this", better say: " Im unhappy (sad, angry, what ever) when you do this"
2. The mirror. When you see, that the other person is getting upset, try to be a reflector for him or her. Use phrases like: "I see, you feel upset (angry, what ever) because I said this." So the person will start to think about his/her own feelings.

This was really helpful in our situation, and now were a very happy family!

:hi:
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Zomby Woof Donating Member (1000+ posts) Send PM | Profile | Ignore Wed Dec-10-03 09:59 AM
Response to Original message
51. Stay out of GD!
The haven for the hypersensitive. :-)
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Booberdawg Donating Member (1000+ posts) Send PM | Profile | Ignore Wed Dec-10-03 10:20 AM
Response to Reply #51
52. This kind of hypersensitive would never even venture into GD
:o
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Zomby Woof Donating Member (1000+ posts) Send PM | Profile | Ignore Wed Dec-10-03 11:11 AM
Response to Reply #52
58. wrong!
They comprise 99% of GD! Try even the most muted, constructive criticism of someone's candidate, or POV, and watch the thin-skinned minions over there FLAME you extra-crispy! It's funny and sad at the same time.

Lots of hand-wringing and Rodney King imitators too: "Please! Can't we all get along?" :D

Hell no!

Of course, the biggest flamers are also the most sensitive, and some of them drive the most hypersensitive out of GD. Then they go back later for more punishment! :-) Vicious cycle of hypersenstivity!
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Booberdawg Donating Member (1000+ posts) Send PM | Profile | Ignore Wed Dec-10-03 11:46 AM
Response to Reply #58
59. OKAY! FINE!
But, I still think this is a hypersensitive that would not even venture into GD.

So there.
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Zomby Woof Donating Member (1000+ posts) Send PM | Profile | Ignore Wed Dec-10-03 11:47 AM
Response to Reply #59
61. don't make me fetch links!!!!
It's never pretty when I have to prove I am right! :D
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Booberdawg Donating Member (1000+ posts) Send PM | Profile | Ignore Wed Dec-10-03 12:30 PM
Response to Reply #61
64. he he!
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supernova Donating Member (1000+ posts) Send PM | Profile | Ignore Wed Dec-10-03 10:27 AM
Response to Reply #51
53. I go to GD
I just choose my battles. :D ;-)

Supernova = HSP and proud of it!
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populistmom Donating Member (1000+ posts) Send PM | Profile | Ignore Wed Dec-10-03 10:32 PM
Response to Reply #51
88. No kidding
I want to go over there and yell "Clark has cooties!" sometimes just to get them all in an uproar and laugh, but I'm a good little Democrat, so I don't.
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LynneSin Donating Member (1000+ posts) Send PM | Profile | Ignore Wed Dec-10-03 10:29 AM
Response to Original message
54. Don't make a big deal to them about their hypersensitivity
Seriously, you're talking to the queen of hypersensitivity. Big time. I really don't like being that way but my emotions are so out of wack that the slightest bit of any type of emotion will just break out the tears.

And the one thing that pissed me off is the folks that would make too much of a deal out of it. I had to talk with one of my closest friends and just tell her point blank "I'm sorry I'm like this and I really am not trying to get upset of your comments, but when you then start ragging on my sensitivity you just make it worse. The best thing you can do is just ignore the tears because most of the time I'm probably laughing at the same time".

Of course I found a better solution because it was causing problems at work. I'm on anti-anxiety/depression meds - just Lexapro. It works wonders and I'm much less sensitive than I was before.

Seriously, for us who are oversensitive it probably isn't something we want to be but a serious case of chemical imbalance that a daily prescription to an SSRI would correct. I like the Lexapro, which is an isomer of Celextra. It starts working faster and it doesn't have the side affect of potential weight gain (which would kill the fact that I've been dieting for 2 months now).
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grannylib Donating Member (1000+ posts) Send PM | Profile | Ignore Wed Dec-10-03 11:11 AM
Response to Original message
57. Don't marry 'em.
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smirkymonkey Donating Member (1000+ posts) Send PM | Profile | Ignore Wed Dec-10-03 12:40 PM
Response to Reply #57
66. Very good point!!
:)
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never cry wolf Donating Member (1000+ posts) Send PM | Profile | Ignore Wed Dec-10-03 01:19 PM
Response to Reply #57
67. Therein lies the rub...
Too late for me, I married one. Wake up walking on egg shells until she goes to bed. Anything can set her off or be seen as a perceived slight, even from the kids. If a nail breaks she wails "WAIT" and everyone has to stop what they are doing and listen to how much the world hates her. It is very tough, let me tell ya.

She has seen a psych but stopped going. She is on anti-depressive medicine. I have lived with this for 15 years for the sake of the kids so I can be a tempering influence in the home and a shelter for them. I always hoped she would improve or change but have given up that hope. It is getting to the point, however, where I can bear no more.

For the last 7 or 8 months I have been averaging 12 to 14 hours a day here in my office, 7 days a week. I just can't stand being around it anymore and the kids are older now. My son goes off to college next year and my daughter starts high school. They are both very well grounded kids and mature beyond their years. The crucial formative years are done and methinks it is nearly time for me to divorce.

I have no sage advice, just giving you my personal experience. I have determined life IS too short and I do not want to grow old like that. It is time for me.
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Booberdawg Donating Member (1000+ posts) Send PM | Profile | Ignore Wed Dec-10-03 02:09 PM
Response to Reply #67
68. Well then,
I guess we will meet you again on the other side. :hi:
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never cry wolf Donating Member (1000+ posts) Send PM | Profile | Ignore Wed Dec-10-03 02:14 PM
Response to Reply #68
69. well
I didn't mean that. I do intend to grow old, just happily without the poison currently in my life.
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Booberdawg Donating Member (1000+ posts) Send PM | Profile | Ignore Wed Dec-10-03 02:32 PM
Response to Reply #69
70. I didn't mean THAT other side.
Sorry. I just meant on a happier other side for you. Like the other side of an unhappy life and marriage.

I'm sorry. It was supposed to be a compliment and I am socially retarded.
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never cry wolf Donating Member (1000+ posts) Send PM | Profile | Ignore Wed Dec-10-03 02:37 PM
Response to Reply #70
71. No you're not!!!
I appreciate the compliment, btw. There was a time I really didn't give a shit and almost welcomed the day the would see that other, other side, but no more.

Too much to do, too many to love, too many wonderous things to experience.

I apologize for misunderstanding.
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Booberdawg Donating Member (1000+ posts) Send PM | Profile | Ignore Wed Dec-10-03 03:31 PM
Response to Reply #71
79. You seem like a delightful gentleman to me,
steviet_2003, deserving of that good and happy life.

I hope you find the love, happiness, and wonderous things to experience that you deserve. :toast:
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never cry wolf Donating Member (1000+ posts) Send PM | Profile | Ignore Wed Dec-10-03 04:45 PM
Response to Reply #79
80. Heh heh
fooled another one.

Just kidding, I thank the kind lady. That is all any human really wants and deserves. (Unless you're a repug, then it's power, money and material things.)

Again, thanks for your kind words and I wish the same for you.

:toast:
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ZenLefty Donating Member (1000+ posts) Send PM | Profile | Ignore Wed Dec-10-03 02:44 PM
Response to Reply #67
72. Working extra hours in the office
That's exactly what I was doing just before I divorced my ex-wife, for much the same reasons. Went in on weekends, even if I just sat in my office and read a book for a while.

There are some things about a person that they can or will change, and some things that they cannot or will not change. In the case of my ex-wife, I finally got to the point that I realized I could not help her, and all she did was cause me grief. Then you know it's time to move on.
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never cry wolf Donating Member (1000+ posts) Send PM | Profile | Ignore Wed Dec-10-03 03:12 PM
Response to Reply #72
74. I spend alot of time here at DU
The time to move on was over a decade ago but I couldn't do that to my kids and I too thought I could help her change and be happy. I now know that is just pissin in the wind.
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populistmom Donating Member (1000+ posts) Send PM | Profile | Ignore Wed Dec-10-03 10:34 PM
Response to Reply #57
89. Sometimes though
People's problems come out gradually over the years or get much worse and you weren't aware of it at first. Just a hypothetical thought.
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NightTrain Donating Member (1000+ posts) Send PM | Profile | Ignore Wed Dec-10-03 03:04 PM
Response to Original message
73. Somehow, I don't think what I do would apeal to you

I generally say something to the effect of, "Grow a goddamned spine," or "Get the fuckin' bug out of your ass."

Sorry, but I have no patience for that kind of pain-in-the-ass person.
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Booberdawg Donating Member (1000+ posts) Send PM | Profile | Ignore Wed Dec-10-03 03:18 PM
Response to Reply #73
77. Okay, asshole
Got any plans for next Saturday night? :D
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populistmom Donating Member (1000+ posts) Send PM | Profile | Ignore Wed Dec-10-03 10:29 PM
Response to Reply #73
87. LOL, that would appeal to me
I'm just trying to be as tactful as possible because of innocent people caught in the middle.
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soleft Donating Member (1000+ posts) Send PM | Profile | Ignore Wed Dec-10-03 03:18 PM
Response to Original message
76. I pretend that I'm a doctor in a mental institution
I understand their pathology, I understand why they act out, and I can sympathize with their plight.

BUT THEY'RE NOT MY PATIENT
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populistmom Donating Member (1000+ posts) Send PM | Profile | Ignore Wed Dec-10-03 03:28 PM
Response to Original message
78. Holy responses, Batman!
I have a final to take for a lab class, but I checked in here and found a ton of stuff. Maybe I should clarify something before I can get back on later tonight. I'm not talking about hypersensitive as in a sensitive soul that cries easily, is shy, or physically sensitive to fabrics. I'm talking hyperREACTIVE and hyperANGRY when I describe this person. If anyone's sensitive here, I suppose it's me, sensitive to the feelings of others, empathetic to others, often subjegating myself to try to make futile attempts to make others happy. I'm slowly ending that. I'm taking care of life's responsibilities, but not negating who I am because of someone else's insecurities anymore.
I'm talking about situations where I ask for help and get it, but not without hostility. I'm talking about an instance where I pointed out a particular difference in our learning and personality styles and getting told how I "think I'm better" than everyone else and how the way I do this is somehow less valuable. I'm talking about the silent treatment for silly things.
Maybe this clarifies things a bit, but I think most people seemed to understand what I meant. (And if you didn't, that's okay too, it's just why I explained a little better.)
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never cry wolf Donating Member (1000+ posts) Send PM | Profile | Ignore Wed Dec-10-03 05:02 PM
Response to Reply #78
82. I know exactly what you are talking about
Hyperreactive/angry over nothing. I have had some good friends for 30 years, we played softball until we got too old and we have a fantasy football league we started in 1977 still ongoing.

My wife does NOT want any distractions so any group activities have proceeded for the most part without me, I see my friends maybe 4 times a year, always stag. About a month ago someone had the idea that we should all get together at a sports bar to watch the games and give each other shit.

In my own attempt to no longer negate who I am because of her insecurities I decided to go. I had a wonderful time, we all did, and as a bonus I got the silent treatment at home for 4 days. (It's better than hearing the paranoia.) It worked out so well we did the same thing 2 weeks later.

Ohhhhhhhh, the stories I could tell.

But, this is your thread. I would suggest that if it is someone you can get away from like a boyfriend or spouse, do it. I have wasted 2 decades of my prime, do not get caught in the quicksand as their obvious depressional problems can be contagious. I had my kids to think of so I did not leave as early as I should have.

If it is not someone you can split with like a parent or child or can't afford to move all I can suggest is to try to not get sucked in. Realize that it is THEIR problem and that there is nothing wrong with you. Expect it and chalk it up to their mental state, ignore the arguments if you can and know that some day will come when you will be able to surround yourself with healthy influences.

good luck on the final!!
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Breezy du Nord Donating Member (1000+ posts) Send PM | Profile | Ignore Wed Dec-10-03 04:49 PM
Response to Original message
81. You know what's funny?
Getting two hypersensitive people TOGETHER. Then they offend each other unitl they both hate each other and then eventually they both love each other.
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Booberdawg Donating Member (1000+ posts) Send PM | Profile | Ignore Wed Dec-10-03 08:50 PM
Response to Reply #81
85. OMFG
They hate each other until they fall in love. This sounds like a nightmare.

I can't stand it. I really can't stand this.

If I ever recognized this scenario with anyone I would dash as fast as possible in the opposite direction. Fortunately, I have been spared thus far.
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geniph Donating Member (1000+ posts) Send PM | Profile | Ignore Wed Dec-10-03 05:25 PM
Response to Original message
84. You've met my sisters?
;-) There's a reason I don't see my sisters more than once a year. Yeah, they take offense at that too, but at least I don't have to listen to them whining about how mean everyone ELSE is to them.

So obviously, I deal with them through sheer avoidance.
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EV1Ltimm Donating Member (831 posts) Send PM | Profile | Ignore Wed Dec-10-03 10:49 PM
Response to Original message
90. these lines work wonders...
There's some techniques that i've been working on that include:

The "You're crazy"
The "Quit being such a wussy"
The "Oh, knock it off"
The "I didn't do anything wrong, so be mad as long as you want"
The "I can't relate, I didn't take drama in high school"
The "You misunderstood, get back on the handle"
and my favorite, The "Girl, you done lost your god-damn mind"

Yeah, i don't have many hypersensitive friends anymore... but my wife is WAY hypersensitive. But she's alot better now that she bought my self help tapes.
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flamingyouth Donating Member (1000+ posts) Send PM | Profile | Ignore Wed Dec-10-03 10:58 PM
Response to Original message
91. One of my 3 employees is very sensitive
She was abused as a child and is very nervous and scared about her security at work. I just really respect her needs. It's hard to explain, but since I too have issues about personal security, I can relate to how she feels.

But, on the other hand, I have to be super careful when I criticize her in the least. It's just really hard. By nature I'm not a critical person, but I have to take a deep breath and try to couch any possible criticism in the most positive way. She had a very, very horrid childhood that she hasn't dealt with yet.

She laughs at me because I have always told her to follow her instincts in the shop. If she is alone in the store and gets creeped out by someone, call the cops, that type of thing. Or just run and get help from the other stores. There are always lots of people around on our street. I think that no one has ever told her that it's okay to be afraid and to ask for help.

We've had lots of thefts around us lately (wallets stolen, et al). But I know that this woman who works for me has a lot of security issues. She always laughs at me for telling her to follow her instincts, but she's glad that I respect her feelings too.

Anyway, I hope this makes some sense to you, but I've learned to work with this wonderful person for five years now, and I hope that she is able to feel comfortable working for me.
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