Steven Wright Humor

[mousie]

*If you're not familiar with the work of Steven Wright, he's the famous erudite scientist who once said: "I woke up one morning and all of my stuff had been stolen ... and replaced by exact duplicates*." His mind sees things differently than we do, to our amazement and amusement. Here are some of his gems:


1. I'd kill for a Nobel Peace Prize.
2. Borrow money from pessimists -- they don't expect it back.
3. Half the people you know are below average.
4. 99% of lawyers give the rest a bad name.
5. 42.7% of all statistics are made up on the spot.
6. A conscience is what hurts when all your other parts feel so good.
7. A clear conscience is usually the sign of a bad memory.
8. If you want the rainbow, you gotta put up with the rain.
9. All those who believe in psychokinesis, raise my hand.
10. The early bird may get the worm, but the second mouse gets the cheese.
11. I almost had a psychic girlfriend, but she left me before we met.
12. OK, so what's the speed of dark?
13. How do you tell when you're out of invisible ink?
14. If everything seems to be going well, you have obviously overlooked something.
15. Depression is merely anger without enthusiasm.
16. When everything is coming your way, you're in the wrong lane.
17. Ambition is a poor excuse for not having enough sense to be lazy.
18. Hard work pays off in the future, laziness pays off now.
19. I intend to live forever. So far, so good.
20. If Barbie is so popular, why do you have to buy her friends?
21. Eagles may soar, but weasels don't get sucked into jet engines.
22. What happens if you get scared half to death twice?
23. My mechanic told me, "I couldn't repair your brakes, so I made your horn louder."
24. Why do psychics have to ask you for your name?
25. If at first you don't succeed, destroy all evidence that you tried.
26. A conclusion is the place where you got tired of thinking.
27. Experience is something you don't get until just after you need it.
28. The hardness of the butter is proportional to the softness of the bread.
29. To steal ideas from one person is plagiarism; to steal from many is research.
30. The problem with the gene pool is that there is no lifeguard.
31. The sooner you fall behind, the more time you'll have to catch up.
32. The colder the x-ray table, the more of your body is required to be on it.
33. Everyone has a photographic memory, some just don't have film.

[BurgherHoldtheLies]

1. Here's another gem from Steven Wright...

I went down the street to the 24-hour grocery.
When I got there, the guy was locking the front door.
I said, 'Hey, the sign says you're open 24 hours.'
He said, 'Yes, but not in a row.'


Haven't seen him on TV for a long time. I always liked the way his mind works.

[mousie]

2. me too!

I really like his humor, but I've shown videos to other people, thinking they'd get a kick out of it too and it seems some people just don't "get" this kind of humor?! Oh well! Yeah, I wonder what Steven Wright is doing these days!

[Barking Spider]

25. still touring

He's still out there.

http://www.stevenwright.com/index.shtml

[Strong Atheist]

6. Very good! Thank you! nt.

[fight4my3sons]

3. I always loved him.

Wasn't it him that had the bit about naming his dog "stay" and then saying "come her stay!"

[mousie]

4. yes... LOL! I remember that one! n/t

[bridgit]

5. "it's a small world, but i wouldn't want to have to paint it."

[regularguy]

7. I have a huge sea shell collection. Maybe you've seen it.

I keep it scattered across the beaches of the world.

[regularguy]

8. Some people are afraid of heights. I 'm afraid of widths.

[myrna minx]

9. I love this one...

I have a map of the United States... Actual size. It says, "Scale: 1 mile =
1 mile." I spent last summer folding it. I also have a full-size map of the
world. I hardly ever unroll it. People ask me where I live, and I say, "E6".

[bmbmd]

10. I plan to get a tattoo of myself

all over, only taller.

And when she asked my name, I said "Bucky Goldstein".

[taterguy]

11. That's a nice chandelier . . .

if it falls down you're gonna die

From a sparsely attended 1985 show at Wait Chapel, Wake Forest University, future site of Presidential debates

[ProfessorGAC]

12. One Of My Favorite Comics Ever

Thanks for bringing him up.
The Professor

[El Fuego]

13. "Oops I dropped my button hole."

Another fave:

The cop says "Don't you know the speed limit is 55 mph?" "Yes but I wasn't going to be out that long."

[BurgherHoldtheLies]

14. LOL. Good ones. nt

[warrens]

15. I remember one about spending a fortune on shampoo

"I follow the directions. Wash, rinse, repeat."

[Oeditpus Rex]

16. 'I bought some instant water

but I don't know what to add to it."

The first of his that made me realize "This guy is great" was this one, from the early '80s:

"I have a microwave fireplace. I can curl up for an evening in front of the fire in eight minutes."

[Metta]

17. another one.

I was in a restaurant that served breakfast anytime. So I ordered french toast, in the Renaissance.

[mousie]

18. wow > so many good ones!!!

This thread is turning into a great collection! Thanks everyone! :)

[Metta]

19. thumbs up!

:thumbsup:

[pdx_prog]

20. My all time favorite was....

I moved into a new apartment. There was this light switch that didn't seem to operate anything. Everyday, out of habit I would walk by and flip it on and off a few times. Two weeks later I received a letter from a guy in Germany telling me to cut it out...lol

Brilliant comic!

[Richard Steele]

21. "Why is the alphabet in that order? Is it because of that song?" nm

[Bombero1956]

22. I met my girlfriend in a department store

She was working at the perfume counter and I was putting Slinkys on the escalator.

[Aristus]

23. I once bought a puppy and named him "Stay".

I'd call him: "C'mere, Stay, C'mere, Stay!" It'd drive him crazy. He's a lot smarter than that now. Now when I call him he just ignores me and keeps on typing.

I have the oldest typewriter in the world. It types in pencil.

And two Stephen Wright-style jokes I made up:

I recently bought a pet parakeet; he keeps saying the same phrase over and over again and now I'm starting to repeat it.

I was going to make my living holding up banks, but I wasn't strong enough, so I'd just knock 'em over instead.

[mousie]

24. hehe!! good ones!

Maybe you could carry on the Steven Wright tradition! :)

[Barking Spider]

26. I just got skylights put in my place...

...The people who live above me are furious.

[corksean]

27. "I once made instant coffee in the microwave.....

I nearly went back in time".

I bought a new phone, installed it and pressed last number redial. The phone had a nervous breakdown.


Lots more at http://home.flash.net/~djacob/steve.html