Need some advice..

[benny05]

For a forum to post a topic related to the following:

Caring for parents...
I want to know the pros and cons of a single aging parent living with a child. I have so many queries regarding trade-offs (personal and financial), what to do with a parent when you go on vacation (friends, retail caring), and how much one has gained by living with a parent.

[Kali]

1. I took care of my Grandfather for 3 years.

Moved my husband and baby to a ranch in a rural county (no services!) to care for an old cowboy with advanced Alzhiemers. I have a lot of funny (now) stories, but honestly it was rough - one of the hardest things I have ever done in many ways.

I would say in some ways its the most natural thing in the world - 50 years ago we all did this - had multigenerational families in our homes - all helping to care for one another, birthing, living and dying in close proximity. Now it all seems so foriegn.

In your case is your parent healthy? Mentally? Are you in an area where there are some kind of social services or other family available?

I would say if the parent is coherent, or if there are other siblings around to sit down and DISPASSIONATLY make up some ground rules and even a written contract so that it is clear from the beginning that you will need some time to yourself - and on a regular basis. This may mean 2 hours a week to the hair salon/spa or it may mean a weekend a month off to go away or any sort of combo you feel you might need. This is not a time to be selfless - you already are being that if you are taking in an ill parent - and like taking care of a kid, YOU have to be in good health to do the job right.

[benny05]

2. My parent, my Mom

Is coherent, but has many health probs. Despite her living in a town with a sibling, sibling is unable to provide much attention (as she is narcisstic) and my other sibling considers contributions towards Mom is only towards her house, not her life.

My mom and I are compatible in many ways. I think what I'm concerned about is Mom not having a support system with me other than me. But I'm thinking she's better off with us, and while it would be some hassle, it would be worth it to see her somewhat comfortable than living in poverty and having to try to prop her up.

Any ideas? Many thanks, Benny

[Kali]

3. Besides what I already said

try to set things up so she has some autonomy - her own space etc - think about how meals would work - how do you do them now, do you eat on the fly will she need regular meals etc. Look into services and start using them right away so it becomes a habit that all are used to - rather than waiting months or years to try adult daycare X times a week, start doing it right away, that way you all have a routine time away from each other.

Try to make it clear you are all LIVING together, that it is not a guest/host situation where you have to provide every speck of entertainment, attention 24/7.

Do you have kids? They can be a great asset in this situation, especially young ones, I had a baby when we took care of Grandpa and it worked great to have the baby in a play pen and have Grandpa "watch" him - they kept each other entertained and I could keep an eye at a distance - no way was Grandpa really watching, but it made him feel useful and kept his level of agitation way down.

After Grandpa became more bedridden, the baby was ina walker and I could have the baby take Grandpa a cookie or candy bar and "visit" to help entertain him - they were kind of at the same mental age so it worked well. When adults came around Grandpa would get agitated because he didn't know who anybody was anymore and he was suspicious and paranoid - like I said it was pretty rough.

[benny05]

4. Thanks for the advice

We don't have children, but I see that as plus for us, in a sense. My mother couldn't take care of kids now if she wanted to. But she is offering to make a couple of meals a week, since she loves to cook. I wouldn't expect it of her, but if she wants to do this, it would be useful since I am having less time to cook for us.