DU women: I could really use some advice.

[Redstone]

You all know how well Mrs R and I get along, but there's one recurring problem, and I simply don't know how to solve it. I'm hoping that maybe you can help me.

It's this: When she gets, um, frisky, which is several times a day (yes, I do know what a lucky son of a bitch I am), she has a tendency to (inadvertently, of course) whack me on my bad shoulder (the one with the missing parts and severe nerve damage) with her arm or elbow. Now, I'm not being a weenie here; this is not like someone stepping on your previously-stubbed toe -- if someone clips me on that shoulder, it can provoke a pain spike that will keep me from being able to sleep until 3 or 4 in the morning, if at all. It really is that bad, and any of you who have seen me around DU at three in the morning will know about that.

So lately, I've been guarding the shoulder by (gently) putting my hand up to catch her arm and keep it from hitting me. But whenever I do, she get into a snit, says something like "well, if you don't want me to be affectionate, I won't," and stalks off into another room.

I've tried explaining to her that I'm sorry, but the fact of the matter is that she can't keep smacking me on the shoulder, even though she doesn't mean to; and she certainly knows how bad the pain gets when she does. But she still does it without thinking, and gets into a huff when I try to catch her arm before it collides with the wrong spot.

And I simply cannot ignore the pain in favor of better domestic relations.

What do I do? Any ideas?

Thanks in advance.

Redstone

[CatBoreal]

1. First off...

Talk about it to her when she's not trying to be affectionate. If you talk to her after an episode, then she'll take it as you rejecting her advances and not be apt to listen because her feelings are hurt.

So, sit her down with a cup of tea and explain things to her. Tell her it hurts, how much it hurts and that she won't be getting any if she causes you pain beforehand.

Tell her you love her. You love making love to her, but you can't if you're writhing in pain on the ground. Then ask her to come up with another, much less painful signal that she wants to get it on.

It could be a pinch on the rear, licking your neck, anything. (Hubby and I squeeze hands 5 times for "I want your body NOW!) Make it fun. You could have a signal of the week.

Also, find out why she hits you. Maybe it's something she saw her parents doe and it's just an unthinking action on her part.

Good luck.

[Redstone]

4. Thanks a bunch for the good advice. The hitting part

is not deliberate; it's just natural when she jumps into my lap and throws her arms around my neck. When you do that, you can't avoid clouting the other person on the shoulder. Unfortunately, I have a shoulder that hurts even from the pressure of wearing a heavy shirt or sweater or jacket, it's that sensitive. That's what the real problem is.

Other than that, everything's great between us. And I have tried your excellent suggestion of explaining it to her when she's not in a snit, and she understands and says she'll be careful, but then forgets. So that's why I'm at my wits' end to find a solution.

Though I do get annoyed when she uses the word "wimp;" she wasn't there when I went through 11 days of (never mind what) with four broken bones and numerous other injuries before I could get to a hospital. Though she has seen me go back to work fifteen minutes after having back spasms so bad they knock me to the floor and keep me from breathing for minutes at a time. She's seen me get a fish hook driven into my thumb, and calmly push it the rest of the way through so I could snip off the barb and remove it, without even saying ouch. so she knows I'm no wimp, but she can't help using the word in that situation, for some reason.

I'm going on too much here. Thank you again for your considerate and thoughtful advice.

Redstone

[RevCheesehead]

2. gently whisper "watch the shoulder"

or perhaps have a pillow nearby to cushion the blow? :shrug:

I agree that it would probably be a good idea to talk about it ahead of time. It's easy to forget when someone has a very sensitive spot... no matter how well we know them. A gentle reminder, given with love, should be enough.

Be patient. With time, she will learn. ;)

[Redstone]

9. It's been five years since the last surgery.

And saying "watch the shoulder," no matter how quietly or gently, provokes the same reply.

I just can't get her to think before acting. I don't know what to do.

Redstone

[Shine]

3. I agree with the above posters regarding the timing of discussing this

in a heartfelt manner: do it at a time when you are not about ready to jump into bed together, so there's none of the potential emotional entanglement. Lovingly tell her your truth and brainstorm together about different signals she could give you. Engage her support so that she feels a part of the process, instead of being made wrong and feeling rejected. Make sure she knows it's not about her, it's about YOU and what you need. If she cares about you, which I'm sure she does, she'll be open to working it out.

Good luck and you are, indeed, a lucky man to have such a frisky woman at your side.

Blessings,
Shine
:pals:

[SW FL Dem]

5. In any relationship, honesty is the best policy

If she is doing something that causes you physical pain, she needs to know that. It isn't as if you are refusing her advances, you are trying to protect yourself. If she can't understand that, she is selfish, she is putting her needs above yours.

I wish you luck. Living with a woman who needs attention several times a day can't be easy.

[pokerfan]

6. Just remember to dress for romance

[hickman1937]

7. Sorry, sounds like one of those passive/aggressive things to me.

If she truly loves you she will be as careful of that part of your body as you would. I'm really sorry but this sounds like a six year old pushing her luck. Demanding to hurt you as proof of your love.

[Redstone]

8. I appreciate your honesty and courage for posting that.

You may be on the right track; she has longstanding unresolved issues (though she is getting some help with them) from being hideously abused as a child...things that you and I would not believe still happened in nominally civilizied countries in the 20th century.

I do go to her therapist with her about once a month, and this might be something for us to explore.

She does love me, though; there's no question there. So it's likely there's something else going on.

Thanks for getting me to think about it from that aspect.

Redstone

[hickman1937]

11. Probably you should get some one to talk to also.

Sometimes traveling through another person's hell is harsh. You're not the victim, but trying to maintain support can be overwhelming to the point of depression. Sorry, just armchair Pseudo-psychology.

[Redstone]

14. No apology needed for offering your opinion.

And your opinion happens to contain some sound advice. I'm not afraid of yelling for help if I think I need it. It hasn't gotten to the point where the load is too much for me to bear alone, but if it does, believe me, I won't be too proud to seek some help.

I'm probably the toughest son of a bitch you've ever known (both physically and emotionally), but I also know that everyone, including me, has limits. When mine are reached, I'll call in a pro. You can bet on that.

Thanks yet again.

Redstone

[hickman1937]

24. Will you know when the load has become too much to bear?

Or will you be like my tough independent overly responsible beloved brothers who are up to their neck in snow and freezing to death before they realize maybe they should have brought a bigger shovel?
edit for beloved. And they are.

[Redstone]

28. Thanks for your concern; you're being a good friend here.

But I'll make sure to call someone before I crack, if it comes to that. I have kids to think of, so there won't be any unnecessary heroics. I promise. (I did that before, and learned my lesson, believe me.)

And I will keep you words in mind, and thank you for them.

Redstone

[Nicholas D Wolfwood]

43. I just want to second Hickman's advice.

My ex-fiancee had those same types of issues. Molested by her dad, raped as an adult... and that's just the beginning. Knowing how exhausting it is, I'd highly suggest seeing the therapist more often yourself. That's the one thing I wish I'd done. Just my $.02

[NV Whino]

10. All of the above sounds like good advice...

but in the mean time, is there something you can do or wear to protect your shoulder?

[Redstone]

12. Unfortunately not. I've even tried Lidocaine patches, but

having a patch stuck to it provokes the damaged nerve more than the Lidocaine numbs it.

It's truly Untouchable Territory. Only a couple of square inches, but located in a vulnerable spot.

Redstone

[RevCheesehead]

13. Then that's serious enough that she should be careful.

My mom has very brittle bones and a bad shoulder. After about 3 or 4 times of hugging her and hearing her scream out it pain, I realized that I would never again get those giant bear-hugs from her.

Every once in a while I forget, and she cries out in pain. But that's usually enough to remind me to be careful. And I feel horrible when I cause her that kind of pain.

Sounds to me like you might want to explore that issue further, whether in therapy, or elsewhere. Isn't sex supposed to be about mutual sharing? If something is causing pain, you certainly have every right to protect yourself, if she won't.

[Redstone]

16. Dang, Rev, you're getting me to think right down to the

heart of the matter, where many things get interconnected and complicated. You're good.

Can I talk to you, even though I'm not in your congregation?

Redstone

[RevCheesehead]

18. Of course you can.

PM me, if you wish.

[Redstone]

20. Will do. You sure you don't mind?

Redstone

[RevCheesehead]

21. If I didn't mean it, I wouldn't have posted it.

And you can trust me. I understand full well what "confidentiality" means. (I practice it, too.)

[Redstone]

26. Done. And appreciated.

Redstone

[RevCheesehead]

29. Anytime.

:pals:

[RagingInMiami]

15. If that's the biggest dilemna in your marriage

Maybe you should be the one doling out advice

[Redstone]

19. I could do that, because everything else is really good.

We've been though a lot of hard time together, emotionally and financially, and worked toegther through them. We could write a book about how to do marriage right.

But this isn't a trivial thing, nonetheless.

Redstone

[CaliforniaPeggy]

17. Oh boy my dear Redstone.....

I have no advice to offer.....just my heartfelt sympathy/empathy....

Everyone here has had very good things to suggest.

Please take care......here's a gentle hug, that is away from the afflicted shoulder......:hug:

[Redstone]

22. Thanks, CP. Just hug on the right side, OK?

That's my right, your left.

I need more Vicodin. Back in a bit.

Redstone

[BlackVelvet04]

23. Maybe it would help if you

approach her more often? I could be wrong but it sounds like she is doing most of the initiating which can cause some unresolved bad feelings???? Maybe I'm reading it wrong, if so, sorry.

Good luck. I hope you find a resolution to the problem. Pain is no fun.

[Redstone]

31. No, that's not a problem. She does not have any reason

to feel neglected, trust me on that. She's been neglected in the past, and I aim to make sure she isn't now.

No need to apologize; I appreciate your input.

Redstone

[bettyellen]

25. you have to reposition yourself sillly...

so that the only approach is from the other side.
like george costanza- just do the opposite, and your wife will follow.
it's like driving on the other side of the road- easy- when you have no other choice.

[Redstone]

30. There you go. I just have to sit with my left side in the corner

of the couch / chair / room! Simple. and briliant. I should have known you'd come up with a good answer, BE. Excuse me while I go rearrange the furniture. Now I just have to come up with an explanation of why I did that...

You're a good friend...

Redstone

[bettyellen]

40. as a semi-reformed shoulder slapper myself...

i feel i owe you men that much.
does she have older brothers? that is where i think i got it from. rough and tumble upbringing.
but i assure you, i always mean it in the most affectionate way, as i'm sure Mrs Red does.
Let me know how the redecorating goes.

[Redstone]

41. I found the perfect corner to put the end of the couch into.

But now I get claustrophobic when I sit there. Sigh...

Actually, she doesn't do the slap-and-tickle thing, she just doesn't pay attention to where her arms are flailing around. And don't get me wrong, it's not like I don't appreciate the enthusiasm...

Redstone

[bettyellen]

44. maybe i missing something, but can't you just sit at the other end of the

couch? that's kinda how i pictured ths going down. you moving, not the furniture.
LOL. there's an answer to this somewhere, we're getting there Red.
:hi:

[Redstone]

45. Well, it's my left shoulder, so I have to put the left end of the couch

in the corner, yes?

I think I'm getting confused. Good thing I have you here to help me out.

Redstone

[bettyellen]

46. does your couch have two ends?

because i really just thought you could slide to the other side.
but i'm ignoring the fact that asymetrical furniture is pretty poular these days, hmm... okay, in that case you'd just have to reposition yourself head down and ass up. That would be a nice suprise for the missus, huh?

[Redstone]

47. I just laughed out loud, reading that.

Thanks. I think I'll try it tonight, as a matter of fact.

I'll let you know how it works out, if you want.

Redstone

[bettyellen]

49. the upside down thing? LOL. yes please have her take pics also...

or is it that you do have a symetrical couch? it's very cute that your initial impulse was to move every darn thing in the room except yourself. you are truly the master of your living room.
so, just scoooch over, and do not give up your new corner. let me know how that works.
good luck!
:HI:

[Redstone]

52. Well, Betty, she bit me.

But gently; it didn't hurt. Sorry, no pictures. We were both laughing too hard to set up the tripod.

And yes, I AM master of this room:


Thanks for the yucks. Sometime when you're down, I hope I'll be able to give you a few laughs.

Redstone

[Tyrone Slothrop]

60. Hey Redstone

I don't think I can offer any suggestions that haven't already been offered, but I just wanted to say that that's an awesome picture.

Did you do the editing yourself?

[Redstone]

63. It's ridiculously easy if you have a digital camera that you can set

manually, a tripod, and Photoshop.

Would have taken me days to do in the old darkroom.

Redstone

[Sugar Smack]

27. I would make my pain loud & clear, Cuz-

to let loose with one rebel yell that frightens the neighbors is impressive. We gals know the difference between a pleasure yell and a painful one, really.

[Redstone]

32. Hey, thanks, cuz, for giving me a good chuckle. On occasion,

I've jumped up and let loose with a Holy Mary Mother of God on Crutches with a fucking Cracker! that shook the neighboring windows, but it didn't get the point across.

I read your PM and was impressed. I'll be getting back to you probably tomorrow. Damn, you got yourself some talent.

The Vikes are finally getting to it. I'm off to bed, and advise you to do the same.

Sleep well.

Redstone

[anitar1]

33. Find out where her pain spot is and smack her back.

Sounds like she is trying to trying to inflict pain. Sorry, but this a deliberate action. Sounds sorta sick.

[Redstone]

34. No, I don't believe it's deliberate. Just unthinking.

Redstone

[RFKHumphreyObama]

35. OK perhaps this is bad advice

But you've said that you have sat down and talked to her about your dilemma with your arm. Make sure you reinforce that discussion you've had with her -just in passing or as a casual reference about your arm and the problems it's giving you. If you've had a pain spike which keeps you up until 3 or 4 in the morning, make sure that you mention to her how bad the pain was and how it kept you up. And while your arm is hurting, make sure that you place an emphasis on how much your arm is hurting you so that the fact that your arm causes you great pain is reinforced in her mind over and over again -BTW if it's a result of her affectionate gestures that your arm is hurting, make sure that you get the point that your arm is hurting without apportioning the blame

In addition to that, if she has been having issues with a traumatic past then it's probably something that you'll want to encourage her to talk to someone about

But then again perhaps my advice is wrong -make sure you get further opinions on this one. And good luck -I hope things work out for you here :hug:

[MilesColtrane]

36. Respond with a thwack to the forehead ridges,and

just be thankful she didn't come after you with her batleth.

[Heidi]

37. Speaking as a wife whose husband has a "bum knee"

from having accidentally shot himself in the leg at 10 years of age, I can tell you a trick that may very well prevent future problems. You have to pounce on Mrs. Redstone before she gets a chance to pounce on you. :blush:

[Redstone]

38. But that would mean doubling my pouncing, which would wear me out.

It's not exactly like I'm passive...just gentler.

Redstone

[chemenger]

39. Wish I could provide you with some helpful advice

but I'm stuck on the "When she gets, um, frisky, which is several times a day."

[MissMillie]

42. Encourage her to smack you on the butt

explain that you might enjoy that sort of thing....

[supernova]

48. A very ginger hug for Redstone

:hug: Since there's already been given so much good advice.

And I'll add what a very caring hubby you are. :loveya:

[Redstone]

51. Why, thank you. That was a nice thing to say.

Redstone

[leftofthedial]

50. hit her back

and send her over to my place

:evilgrin:

:hide:

[Redstone]

53. Do you know what she looks like?

Eat your heart out, buddy; I ain't sending her nowhere.

(But that was a funny post, and thanks for the laugh.)

Redstone

[leftofthedial]

54. good luck with the shoulder

and the advice

[Redstone]

55. Thanks, LOTD. I hear you've been having some Big Weather out there.

Stay warm.

Redstone

[leftofthedial]

59. got the blanket

got the Powerbook in my lap

got the photo you just posted! LOL

[Redstone]

61. Blanket? Powerbook? If you have a fireplace with propane logs,

we'll be mirrors of each other. I got all three going right now.

Those propane logs are the greatest thing since canned beer. No muss, no fuss, no soot, no bugs. Just grab the remote control, and five minute later, you're warm!

Redstone

[SoCalDem]

56. Passive/aggressive?

Surely she should know by now that you have a problem with it.. I cannot imagine why else she would continue to do something that you have told her repeatedly, hurt you:shrug:

[electron_blue]

57. Wow, so sorry about the pain! My first thought, which is echoed by others

is that she's abusive. Repeatedly "accidentally" hurting someone else is a red flag for that. I wasn't surprised to read that she had an abusive childhood. :( This sucks. I'd recommend you get individual counseling to help you deal with her. I don't mean to say this is hopeless, just that individual counseling has the best odds to help in situations like this.

[El Fuego]

58. She doesn't seem to have much empathy for you

From what you say, it sounds like she is very narcissistic. You're in pain, but it has to be ALL ABOUT HER.

[1monster]

62. Can you have a hard lightweight plastic shell made that would be strapped

to your shoulder to deflect the blow?

Or perhaps you could wear some visible reminder of your bad shoulder to remind her to treat you gently.