Friends with benefits. Booty calls. Is this what dating has become?

[Thom Little]

We met outside the Queen Anne post office. Bob (as I'll call him) was a thirtysomething personal trainer, new in town, recently divorced, and inspired by the day's crisp sunshine. After a few minutes of pleasant chitchat, he handed me his card; not wanting to be found guilty of the infamous Seattle slap-down, I quickly reciprocated. Two hours later, Bob called.

"I really enjoyed talking to you," he said. "You seem bright and funny and friendly. I was wondering if you'd like to get together sometime for ... " A drink, a movie, dinner, my mind skipped ahead.

"For, um, I guess most people call it friends with benefits," he said.

My mind tripped over an assumption and fell flat on its face.

"Let me get this straight," I said. "We've known each other all of five minutes and you're calling to ask if I'll have sex with you?"

"Well, we'd have coffee first," he told me cheerfully.

Today's dating scene is about as easy to pigeonhole as the color of paint. Sure, there are plenty of traditionalists out there, but there are many others who don't date so much as hang out or hook up (AXE, which makes male grooming products, even named Seattle "the best city in America for hooking up").

Some rely on what I'll politely call "bed buddies" to get them through the lonely times. Others turn to their friends or neighbors for that occasional cup of sugar. But Bob's proposition seemed curious even for these bi-curious times. When, I wondered, had friends with benefits turned into strangers with benefits? What exactly was going on Out There?


http://seattletimes.nwsource.com/html/living/2002674682_friends11.html

[NVMojo]

1. young kids, teens, call it that ...apparently so do adult who want a safe

piece without cost ...friends ...with benefits.

[Nevernose]

2. Why isn't this in the lounge? n/t

n/t

[RC]

4. Because it is todays reality

[Catch22Dem]

12. Because I think it's more social commentary

than it is a lounge thread.

[WindRavenX]

3. personally, I think it's bullshit

But that's just my opinion.

We no longer value intimacy in relationships.

[TimeChaser]

5. Personally,

I tend to agree with you. What really gets me are the people who sleeps around with the "friends with benefits" and then freaks out when they get a bad reputation.

[WindRavenX]

6. I can't tell people what to do-- just be safe and wrap your junk

...but really, the dating scene for college is horrible. All sex, no dating. I've never dated anyone on campus for this reason. No one wants to "know" the other person.

And yes, I've had 2 one night stands; even a series of hookups with a friend that I no longer talk to.

It just doesn't work for me.

But hey, whatever floats your boat. Just use protection..

[noahmijo]

9. I gotta be the first one to point out your avator-YUNA!!

That is awesome, always great to see another proud FF X fan :)

[TimeChaser]

10. Close!

Not Yuna, but Rinoa from VIII I can see how you can make the mistake, since both have slightly rounded faces. ^^

[noahmijo]

20. damn I knew i was gonna get dinged but in this particular pic

it's really hard to tell the difference.

Oh well my girlfriend will slap me for this mistake later. :)

[Redstone]

19. What you mean "we?" I do.

And I know you do, too.

And, truth to be told, I think there are still a lot more of us than there are of them.

But they make for more exciting newspaper copy, don't they?

Redstone

[Deja Q]

23. True. But whose of us who want those but

who are so malprogrammed that such a relationship would not work out because our personalities would scare off the partner... are we to remain unhappy?

It's one reason why I bought "Final Exit".

Yet even I still have hope.

I can no longer be judgmental. For 8 years I was and solely got laughed at. And I'm damn tired of it. Alone too.

Besides, life is risk. Risk is life.

And I can't believe what I'm saying either. Too cowardly too.

[khashka]

32. Check your PMs HT

You arrogant little snot.

Final Exit, indeed! I know you have health concerns, as do I, and it's an atrractive proposition at times, but "I can't get laid" or "I can't establish a meaningful relationship" is a fucking bad excuse.

Khash.

[GrpCaptMandrake]

24. I think I get your point, but

in the end, isn't sex itself the single most intimate of physical acts? Football stadia lack intimacy. Fraternity parties lack intimacy. Wal-Mart lacks intimacy.

On the other hand, even the "sleaziest" quickie is about as intimate as it gets.

Could it be perhaps that it's the lack of the peripherals to the intimacy that you decry?

Not trying to make trouble, just conversation.

No need for the :popcorn:

:hi:

[dorktv]

7. My experience has been that guys are anti-even dating.

But then I rarely find anyone who is willing to date a fat chick.

If you are not thin, you are definately not in.

[aikoaiko]

8. I'd be grateful for the honesty and compliment, and make my decision.

Haven't you ever wanted to have sex with someone you just met?

Say yes, say no, say maybe another time. You got options.

[LizW]

11. Not me

He sounds like an arrogant jerk. I'd laugh in his face.

[Skittles]

26. NO

no I don't want to have sex with people I just met and do not know

[Shadowen]

13. Nuttin' wrong with a fuck-buddy.

The key is respect, not letting it bleed into your non-bed relationship, and cutting it the hell out if you get a romantic relationship going with someone else.

However, the guy there is a twit. Friends with benefits should only arise out of people who've been actual friends at least as long as they would wait in a relationship they were committed to before having sex. (Which, in this day and age, is a handful of months to a year, on average, as I understand things.)

Strangers with benefits makes no sense to me, because you don't know jack about these people. The reason a bedpal is viable is because of the trust that is involved in friendship.

"Strangers with benefits"? Just call it what it is: "repeated one-night stands".

[sendero]

14. I think this is merely a new name..

... for something that's been going on a long time. Both the friend-with-benefits and the idea of hitting up a woman for sex within a short period of time.

Neither is anything new.

[Elidor]

15. You nailed it n/t

[Err]

16. I don't ever participate in the "friends with benefits" thing.

That's just not how I roll. I prefer the "traditional" way of dating...dinner and a movie thing.

[northzax]

17. I don't think he gets the concept

but then maybe it works for him. Friends with benefits rarely works, but it certainly can (I've done it, and I've have one night stands with friends as well, still friends in the morning and all) but you actually have to be friends, first. This is simply "I want you to be my booty call" but hey, if it works, that's your business.

The beautiful thing is the word 'no' you can usually use that one. People have always been jerks, on occasion, and people have always lamented the end of the relationship scene.

[Kat45]

18. It's helped me through, but I don't think it's good for

those in the early stages of dating and such. For those folks, it can probably skew their attitudes. I'm 50, trying to find a life partner and not wanting to be so horny that I'll immediately want to jump in bed with the first guy I date, so having a "friend with benefits" helps a lot. He's someone I had already known for a few years and we like and respect each other, so it's cool. We've been hooking up for close to 2 1/2 years. He just turned 35 and he's also looking for someone, a woman he can marry and have kids with. But until either or both of us meets someone who's a keeper, we're having a blast.

[Deja Q]

21. Carpe diem, seize the day.

We could die tomorrow from bird flu or gary gnu.

[ContraBass Black]

22. I'm not that easy.

A woman is going to have to prove herself right for me for years before I'll give it up.

[Straight Shooter]

25. I don't know which would bother me more:

Having sex with someone that I know doesn't care about me, or knowing that the person doesn't care if I care about him or not. Thanks, but no thanks, I think I'll pass on the "friends with benefits" euphemism for instant gratification.

As for a "F-buddy," that's a different story. They're already friends, and do care about one another and are looking out for each other's needs and desire for closeness with someone they can trust even if it's understood the intimate relationship will probably eventually end.

Different strokes for different folks, though.

[tigereye]

27. I don't think this is new

often the words "college" and "dating" are mutually exclusive, as I recall. ;)

[RagingInMiami]

28. He should have taken you out for drinks first

Then see how the night endes up before he starts thinking friends with benefits.

[libodem]

29. guys will be guys

I go with the 50/50 theory. If they ask for sex, even with a stranger, they have a 50% chance that the answer could be, yes. So they'll at least ask. They could get lucky. You never know?

[ET Awful]

34. More like assholes will be assholes. It has nothing to do

with being a guy. I'm a guy, and I'd never dream of doing something like that.

[Whoa_Nelly]

30. Crazy!

Am saving myself for the man who can commit.

Ha! So there!

[ET Awful]

33. Better that than one who should be committed

:P

[khashka]

31. At least he was straightforward

He wanted to fuck, you didn't. So neither of you wasted time on someone who didn't have the same goals.

I've had long term lovers, friends with benefits, fuck buddies and casual sex with strangers... Sounds like Bob's a decent guy - he was honest with you. And gave you a choice right up front.


Khash.

[jmm]

35. This beats the old standby of lying

I'd pass on Bob but I'd rather have one bad date with him than numerous great dates with a man only to find out he wants the same damn thing as Bob but he isn't honest.

[xchrom]

36. sex with strangers -- sex with friends -- it's all good

if you ask me.

but then again -- i'm not into monogamy.

[Deep13]

37. So where was this concept when I was single??

:shrug: