Featuring Jay Leno, David Letterman, Jon Stewart, Tina Fey, and Conan O'Brien!
Yes, Leno actually has a lot of good ones!
Election 2004:"Today's Washington Post says that of the nine Democratic presidential candidates, Wesley Clark has the most presidential hairstyle. Not only that but the Post said that Al Sharpton had the best hairstyle of a first lady." —Conan O'Brien
"Democratic front-runner Howard Dean being called a hero this week. It seems he was going to a campaign rally in Iowa and one of his campaign volunteers collapsed from a seizure and since he was a doctor he ran over and treated the guy until the ambulance came. He is not the only candidate that helped. Since he was a trial lawyer, John Edwards chased the ambulance all the way to the hospital." —Jay Leno
"Leading Democratic contender Howard Dean says he stopped drinking 22 years ago and hasn't touched a drop of alcohol since. On the other hand, Joe Lieberman took a look at his poll numbers and started drinking pretty heavily." —Jay Leno
"In his new book, 'Winning Back America,' Dean talks about his wealthy prep school and how he used to get drunk. Let me get this straight — he had rich parents, drank a lot, went to prep school and avoided Vietnam. He's the alternative to George Bush? I think he is George Bush." —Jay Leno
"President Clinton is now denying that he is endorsing General Wesley Clark. Do you know the difference between General Clark and Clinton? The general knows how to control his privates." —Jay Leno
"Democratic presidential candidate John Kerry came down pretty hard on fellow candidate Howard Dean this weekend. After Dean misspoke several times, Kerry said you can't misspeak 15 times in a week and be president. And Bush said, 'You can't'?" —Jay Leno
"There are reports now that retired Army General Wesley Clark may enter the presidential race... which could be a big problem for President Bush. I mean Clark is a Rhodes Scholar, first in his class at West Point, and he owns his own flight suit." —Jay Leno
"Democratic Presidential candidate Dick Gephardt fell short of his fundraising goal by $1 million. His goal was to try and raise $1 million." —Jay Leno
Congress:"Some scholars have argued
the Constitution clearly states only Congress can declare war, and they are not allowed to simply delegate that authority to the president. However, you can get around that with the legal technique of taking the word 'constitution' and adding the word 'shmonstitution' to the end of it." —Jon Stewart
"Earlier this week the Senate voted 97-to-0 for tougher regulations. For example, when corporations buy a senator, they must now get a receipt." —Jay Leno
"Congress just voted to give themselves a pay raise. This is their fourth pay raise in four years. And yesterday ... Leader Dick Armey -- he defended the congressional pay raise. He said Congress works hard. And all that hard work has certainly paid off, huh? Let's recognize a job well done. We are at war, terrorists are all over the place, Wall Street collapsing, people are out of work, retirement funds are gone. ... I got an idea, let's put Congress on commission, they don't get paid until they do something right." —Jay Leno
"This afternoon in Washington, 11 congressional pages were fired after they were caught smoking marijuana. A spokesperson for Congress said, 'We knew something was wrong when we smelled something funny and it wasn't Strom Thurmond.'" —Conan O'Brien
Republicans:
"William Bennett, the man they call the moral voice of America, lost almost $8 million playing slot machines. And here is the amazing part: He still has a better economic plan than President Bush." —Jay Leno
President Bush has come up with what he says is a sound economic plan. He announced today that's he's going to give all the money to the U.S. Treasury and let William Bennett bet it on red." —Jay Leno
"Sen. Rick Santorum is causing a lot of controversy this week with remarks he made about gays. He said, 'I have no problem with homosexuals, I have a problem with homosexual acts.' Well maybe he's doing it wrong." —Jay Leno
"Gay rights groups are calling for the resignation of Senator Rick Santorum of Pennsylvania for comparing homosexuality to bigamy, polygamy, incest and adultery. Apparently, he's tried them all and found them similar." —Jay Leno
"What Santorum said was he is not against homosexuals, he is against homosexual acts. He said the only thing you should put in your mouth is your foot." —Jay Leno
"The number two Republican in the Senate, Mitch McConnell underwent heart surgery last week. He's doing fine. Nothing was actually wrong with his heart, it's just that whenever a Republican is elected to a leadership position, they have to have their heart bypassed." —Jay Leno
"Here's good news I guess, New York City will host the 2004 Republican convention. We lured the Republicans here the old fashioned way, with bribe money and hookers. ... The Republicans are getting ready. They want everything to go perfectly. In fact, they are already auditioning people to be black Republicans." —David Letterman
“Senator Strom Thurmond is retiring. He turns 100 years old in December – or as Anna Nicole Smith calls him – "the bachelor." —Jay Leno
"The Justice Department announced plans this week for a new color- coded alert system with green for the most relaxed and red as the most serious warning. ....Strom Thurmond was visibly enthused about the plan, saying, 'A colored alert system? I've been waiting for one of them for years.'" —Tina Fey on Saturday Night Live's "Weekend Update"
"Congressman Bob Barr was at a rally last night when someone gave him a .38 caliber gun as a gift. Well, the gun went off. You know, the politicians hit the floor. The Republicans thought maybe it was an angry voter, someone with money in the stock market. And the Democrats thought maybe it was an angry husband. So, between the two of them, they didn't know where to go." —Jay Leno
"As you know, a judge here in California has ruled that the Pledge of Allegiance is unconstitutional. A reporter asked Attorney General John Ashcroft how he felt about the ruling, but Ashcroft said he couldn't answer, because, you know, he hasn't read the Constitution yet." —Jay Leno
"Have you been hearing about all the new security alerts for New York City? Nothing to worry about. Mayor Mike Bloomberg said everything is safe, absolutely nothing to worry about. And he said this from his house in the Bahamas." —David Letterman
"NBC announced this week that they will be producing a three-hour TV movie based on the life of Rudy Giuliani. To keep the movie true to life, the Giuliani character is really unlikable until the last fifteen minutes when everyone loves him." —Tina Fey on Saturday Night Live's "Weekend Update"
"With new data, scientists have determined that the universe is 13 billion years old. After hearing this, Strom Thurmond said, 'It kills me that I missed the first half.'" —Conan O'Brien
"Today is Earth Day, or, as the Bush administration calls it, Monday. ... I thought this was a nice touch. To celebrate Earth Day here, Mayor Bloomberg went out and planted some weed." —David Letterman
Big controversy at the University of Northern Colorado. It seems that an intramural basketball team made up of mostly Native Americans ... decided to protest all the mascots that offend them by naming their team 'The Fighting Whities.' ... Isn't that the name of the Republican Party?" —Jay Leno
"Elizabeth Dole is considering a run for the Senate. When asked about it, Mrs. Dole said, 'Anything to get away from my husband and his little blue pills'" —Conan O'Brien
"Bob Dole is going to be appearing in a Pepsi commercial with Britney Spears. Yeah, apparently Dole says that if this doesn't cure his erectile dysfunction, nothing will." —Conan O'Brien
The shift in power in the Senate means that Trent Lott will become the minority leader. Funny, you rarely hear a sentence with the words Trent Lott and minority that doesn't also include the words 'no appeal to' and 'hates'." —Daily Show host Jon Stewart
"Governor Jeb Bush of Florida announced he was running for re-election. Not only did he announce he was running for re-election, he also announced what his final vote count would be." —Jay Leno
"Actually, he especially denied having an affair with Florida Secretary of State Katherine Harris. I believe him, I don't think he did. An affair with Katherine Harris? How much makeup would that leave on your collar? ... He said as a Republican, the only people he's been in bed with are the tobacco industry and the gun lobby." —Jay Leno
"Actually they said they don't really know how many women (Jeb Bush) has been with because since it is Florida, they're still counting. ... Boy talk about switches. During the last administration the president was accused of infidelity and his brother was an idiot. Now it is the other way around." —Jay Leno
"Florida Secretary of State Katherine "Cruella DeVil" Harris is now running for Congress. She is running for Congress but she is now being investigated for budgeting three and half million dollars for overseas travel. It seems she went to Argentina, Panama, Brazil, Venezuela, Barbados, and Mexico all on tax payers' money. She said it was part of a program to see how third world countries fix their elections." —Jay Leno
"You remember Katherine Harris, Florida's Secretary of State. Now she is running for Congress. Just what we need, another crooked Florida election. She already believes that the confused and disoriented voters will put her over the top. She is very confident, she predicts she will win the election by 742 votes." —David Letterman
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