Another "My Family is 100% Fundy / Freeper" Thread (Please Contribute)

[Ladyhawk]

Deep down I really want to love my family and allow them into my life, but it has gone wrong so many times I am afraid. My mother and I have done the counseling thing umpteen times and she never does get the "boundaries" issue. In her mind she owns everything (including me) and is right about everything. She never says, "I'm sorry."

My brother loves Ayn Rand and Rush Limbaugh and thinks cruel things are humorous. He worked as a correctional officer on death row at San Quentin and thought it was amusing to sing, "Pop, pop, fizz, fizz," as he passed the inmates' cells. Of course, back then we had the gas chamber.

I have so many fundamental differences with these people that I don't know what to feel. And where my mother is concerned, it's even worse because she treats me like an object. I really can't stand it when I go over to her house and she's watching Fox News or Pat Robertson. When I ride with my brother Rush Limbaugh is on the radio. He carries around Atlas Shrugged as if it were some kind of bible.

I am full of bad feelings for these people, but I think the bad feelings are interfering with my recovery. Still, a part of me says, "Don't trust them...they say one thing and do another." That part of me is right. They aren't trustworthy.

Where...how can you draw the line? I don't want to feel antagonistic, but I want the right to be my own person, to admit that I'm a member of moveon.org, that I'm a Democrat, an atheist, etc. without being pounced on.

My mother thinks my lack of faith in Jesus is what is causing all my problems.

My brother thinks I don't trust him enough to tell him the issues. He's right. Over the years, he hasn't exactly come across as the trustworthy type.

Part of the struggle is that I still need money from mother because of disabilities. Tonight she asked if I wanted to move home...hell no!

If you know your family members can be dangerous to your mental health, how do you keep them at bay without making yourself bitter? Yeah, that's what I was trying to say. It took me awhile to get to it.

[nadinbrzezinski]

1. My father was (and somethimes still is)

somewhat abusive

So what I have done is literally forgive and then move on

It was nto easy and it took years

[demgrrrll]

3. I think you have to assess how those relationships are touching the

other areas of your life. If your life is good overall and
you have healthy relationships with others and good support perhaps you have the energy to maintain the relationships with your family at their current level.
Money is an issue and certainly can be a control issue. If you are generally unhappy in many circumstances then it may be to your benefit to keep contact at the minimum necessary to maintain the relationship and nurture other relationships where you feel more understood.
Seems like a simplistic response, I do realize that the issue is quite complex.

[nofurylike]

2. what a difficult place to be.

is there any chance you might resume the counseling, only briefly, entirely for the purpose of negotiating, and setting up, some kind of disability trust for you, with your mother?

a counselor asking her if she is commited to your well-being, saying the only fair way to do it is to make such an arrangement, might help?

if that aspect was not binding you, economically, you might find some of the pressure on you would let up.

just wishing you some relief!
i do sympathize, deeply.

be well!

peace!

[Punkingal]

4. What I was told a long time ago.....

and it works for me: You can't change anyone, you can only change your own reactions to them, and what they do. You should just work on YOU, and not agonize so much about your family. Try to find ways to become more independent of your mother financially. I know that could be hard, but it is something to think about.

[imax2268]

5. I have an Uncle...

He is a die-hard Repub...he mentioned to my father once that since we make the money that we do we should be Republi:puke:cans...

We just laughed...

Hey...Vote Republican...We will take away your overtime pay...!!!

No thanks...

[CSI Willows]

6. It's like you're reading my mind....living my life!

I have so many differences with my father and step-mother's side of the family that it drive me almost insane. My father treats me like an object. Whenever I'm around them, 12-3 Rush Limbaugh is blasting through the house or on the car radio. At night it's O'Reilly and Hannity and Colmes.
"I am full of bad feelings for these people, but I think the bad feelings are interfering with my recovery. Still, a part of me says, "Don't trust them...they say one thing and do another." That part of me is right. They aren't trustworthy." The same applies here! But unfortunately I stumbled upon it too late to save and respect for them.

My father thinks my lack of faith in Jesus is what causes me to be a Democrat and a Jew (it's my heritage!).

"Deep down I really want to love my family and allow them into my life, but it has gone wrong so many times I am afraid...In her mind she owns everything (including me) and is right about everything. She never says, "I'm sorry."" - Same thing except replace mother with father.

[jus_the_facts]

7. Mine are too.....

....it's difficult and I feel your pain...I had to cut my parents off for over 6 months a few years ago...ever since we've agreed to disagree and try harder to not nit pick and respect the differences inour views and not discuss things to the point of arguements...but my sister still won't even talk to me...I've seen her twice in three years and she will NOT let me see my two nieces to this day...s'been almost 3 years and that hurts really bad...I'm a danger to their beliefs and a bad influence because I'm a *crazy liberal*...but they're hypocrites and unforgiving regardless of my apologies and admission of my actions that caused the rift in the first place.

[Ladyhawk]

8. Yes, it's the hypocrisy that gets in the way of any understanding.

If they would just do what they say, we could reach some kind of agreement, but the word of these people is worth nothing.

A few months ago I asked my mother to help me take care of myself for a few days and / or pay somebody to help. (I was very sick.) She said she didn't have the money. During this period she took a trip to Missouri and bought a digital camcorder and a motor home. Since then she's bought a DVR and a brand new printer.

I had to go into the hospital to get the care I needed.

There are a lot of instances like this that are hard to forgive. Some are way-out, like the time she harbored a wanted criminal with a rap sheet a mile long and swore me to secrecy.

Weird, weird shit that's hard to forgive and impossible to forget.

I don't know how to remember that I can't trust her without letting my heart melt and letting her in. She is my mother, after all. There's a part of me that just wants to forget the past, but that would be so very dangerous. I have to remember that she can't be trusted. :( :( :( And to me that is a constant pain. I need to find a way to remember the past without letting it affect me so much.

[NicoleM]

9. My dad's not a fundie/freeper but

we had Issues. Finally when I was 17 I had had enough. I basically told him, go away, I don't need you anymore. He obliged. I have seen or spoke to him in ten years, and that's just fine by me.

I did go through a period of "why doesn't daddy love me?" but I'm so over that. At some point I managed to get it in my head that the way he was had nothing whatsoever to do with me. There was nothing I could have done differently or better that would have made for a better relationship. He was who he was and there wasn't anything I could do about it except remove him from my life.

Not having him in my life anymore did wonders for my mental health.

[jus_the_facts]

10. Well the only advice I can give from my own experience....

....and believe me it took me a loooong time to be able to do this myself...but you must let go of the past resentments and accept that there's not a thing you can do to change her or what's happened in the past and dwelling on it only hurts you not her...I know that's easier said than done but for your own peace of mind you must realize there is nothing at all that's going to change except the way you feel about it all...you've come to terms with the reality of her behavior...and it'll always hurt...just be thankful you recognize and can see it and do your best not to give her the power to put you in a negitive frame of mind like there must be something wrong with you...I hope that makes sense and helps you somewhat...keep on keepin' on and peace to you! :pals:

[thom1102]

11. Family issues are often the worst to deal with...

Parents and siblings don't see you, the adult, they see you the kid, or you the teenager. That can put them in the position of thinking that they "know what's best for you." And you are right on when you say that the underlying problem here is boundary issues. In my experience, the best way to get people to respect your boundaries is to clearly set them, and then strictly enforce them. Take to heart that it isn't a personal thing when they cross the boundaries, (they will often do it because they think that it is best for you) so don't take it personally. Be firm when enforcing your boundaries, but don't make it a federal case.

By the same token, you have to respect their boundaries as well. Peoples political and religious views are their own, and other than engaging in spirited policy debate, you should respect that, and again, not take it personally. They aren't republicans, and christians to make your life miserable, they are because those messages appeal to them the same way a liberal message speaks to you. Very little you say or do is going to change that. In an earlier post, someone said that the only thing you can control is you and your actions, and this is 100%.

You may need to put some distance between them and you while you get yourself together, but you can compartmentalize your feelings about them. You can love them as your family, and at the same time dislike the people they are. You have to determine what that balance will be. Good Luck!

[Ernesto]

12. I married into a religous family

My father in law= retired preacher
my mother in law= "the church lady" When I built a large, centrally located country home, it became clear that they felt that I had built an evangelical christian convention center.... WRONG!! In my own home, I had hoards of bible thumper guests that were total strangers to me. The "folks" would just show up to "stay a few days" when ever they felt like it..... I was very fustrated until I finally laid IT on the line. There ain't NO GOD. I was not married in a CHURCH & pray for me all you want, but I will NOT be "saved"..... Everybody seems to get along much better now and my home is very peaceful. They, in fact, seldom visit much less "drop in"........ The bottom line is that I was a prisoner of my own chains while I had the key in my pocket all along

[kyrasdad]

13. Family Values

Both my parents are conservative, but my Dad tries to keep an open mind. My Mom on the other hand, is another story. But, despite our differences, we are close, and our family overrides any differences in politics or religion.

A few years back I was rushed to the hospital with an apparent heart attack. Being in my mid thirties, I had no will, no living will, nothing about what I wanted done should I die. Thankfully, it wasn't as serious as everyone thought, and the first thing I did was sit down with my folks to discuss plans for illness, debilitation and death. This is where the trouble began. My folks know I'm a Witch, and therefore have very different feelings about the body and afterlife. I told them no funeral, just shake-n-bake me and spread my ashes out on the lake. This started a HUGE argument, and it ended with my Mom saying "well it really doesn't matter, you'll have very little control over what I want done anyway". I wrote my will out, my living will, and my health care proxy, and ommitted them from everything. I specifically put in there that I was ommitting them becasue of differences of opinion. I didn't speak to them for three months, and it was the first time in 36 years I refused to spend the holidays with them.

After the holidays, my Dad called and wanted to talk. He said Mom felt bad (good!) and wanted to talk. We sat down, and came to a compromise that all of us could live with. Since then, we actually have fun poking fun at each others politcal/religious views. It's done in fun, and all of us respect each others views. I even got Mom to vote for Hillary for our Senator after showing her Lazio's stance on things.

All this boils down to, is maybe you need a knock down drag out. They don't have to agree with you, but they can at least respect your views. If they don't, seeing that the out of bounds issue doesn't seem to work, you need to decide which is more important to you. Being honest with yourself and them, or letting them think you are something you're not.

[Maddy McCall]

14. Utter independence from them...

Quit relying on handouts from your mother. Live on less if you have to. Take entitlements your state or the federal government offers.

You will never be free from her intimidation as long as you are tied to her purse strings.