Requesting some advice on a family issue

[WindRavenX]

As some of you may know, I have some family issues that have really increased since I went to college. My dad is an alcoholic and has a variety of mental issues (mostly relating to HIS family...); my mother is an alcoholic and has severe anxiety w/depression AND is going through menopause. In short, my family has never, at any point, really "been" a family-- we don't get along at all if we are together for extended periods. Not outright hostility, but very passive aggressive and uncomfortable to be with my parents, especially if they are drinking.

They have recently separated and are living in separate places; my mother lives in Oregon, my father in Alaska.

The problem I seek some lounge advice on is this:

With winter break approaching, I want to spend Christmas with my boyfriend's family. His family is extremely excited to meet me, and they really are making me feel welcomed and happy.
My parents, OTOH, feel disappointed that I will not be spending Christmas with them. I have told them--repeatedly-- that I will be spending the remaining 2-3 weeks with them, allowing plenty of time for interaction(although to be honest, 2 weeks is my max before I start becoming depressed and unhappy with them).

I have in the past spent many occasions with my parents that, in retrospect, were not pleasant and left me depressed. I feel like spending time in a positive environment would be best for me, and, ultimately, my parents.

Any thoughts are greatly appreciated, as I feel like no matter what I end up doing it will hurt my parents and myself.

[GreenPartyVoter]

1. Go where you will be happiest *hugs*

[WindRavenX]

2. I am leaning towards that

But I feel like no matter what I do, someone will be pissed at me and then act passively aggressive towards me.

[GreenPartyVoter]

3. Well, you can count on your parents to do that, but will your BF?

[WindRavenX]

6. god no

He wants me to be happy, and choose accordingly to this.

[GreenPartyVoter]

16. Well then he has my vote. :^)

[ikojo]

15. One thing I learned in the many times I have been

in therapy is that I cannot change how others react or act, but I can change how I react and act. I have control over me.

[flamingyouth]

4. I agree with GPV - go where you are happy.

I feel for you in this predicament and I don't think there's anything wrong with you spending Christmas with your boyfriend's family. :pals:

[sbj405]

5. Stop worrying about what makes them happy and worry about you

I've pretty much given up on spending holidays with my family, because I simply did not enjoy it. No major family issues, just that the stress outweighed the benefit. I stopped doing Christmas about 5 years ago and this will be the first Thanksgiving I skip. Life is too short to spend time doing things that make me miserable.

I'm sure you work hard during the semester, so do what you need to rest and recharge on your break. If you want to visit your folks, keep it short. I recommend no more than 48 hours :-)

[WindRavenX]

7. I wish it could just be 48 hrs

When they visited me for Parent's Weekend in October, it was not pleasent. They bickered and acted like it was a burden to visit me, and acted less than pleasent towards my bf.

[sbj405]

17. .

:hug:

Spend Christmas with your bf. Visit your parents the week after for a few days, then meet back up with the honey for new years. I would suggest discussing your reasons with your parents, but they don't sound like the type to be reasoned with.

[XemaSab]

8. Go spend Christmas with your boyfriend

And if your parents get passive-aggressive, do the same right back.

Ah, family!

[flvegan]

9. Enjoy your holidays with your boyfriend and his family.

If they ask why, tell them exactly what you said here. If uncomfortable with that, then just tell them that "this might be the one!!!" and you feel obligated.

I mean, you ARE spending a bunch of time with them after.

[gardenista]

10. Do what you want. Tell them when you'll see them and stick to your plan,

no matter what. They will react however they react. I would avoid the whole 2 weeks thing, myself. Give them a few days with you, tops.

They sound like emotionally draining people.

Have you thought of the Al-Anon group for Adult Children of Alcoholics? It might be a good place to get some support.

From my own experience, I can tell you that I am much happier now that I have detatched and no longer try to please my family. We all are.

:hug:

[TallahasseeGrannie]

11. I wish I could give you a hug

because I understand alcoholism and it is a wall...a huge, huge wall between people.

Have you done any Alanon work? Because if you have, you are encouraged to disengage from the alcoholic because if the disease is entrenched, it is a lose-lose situation for you.

You can be a part of your parents' lives without sitting in the same room with them for long, difficult hours. Emails, notes, phone calls, sending a special picture..express your love for them. But sometimes we just can't hang with the people we love and still love them, if that makes sense.

Go meet your boyfriend's people, but don't forget your parents. Understand that they would like to be other people but they are sick. But that does not mean you have to give up your life and be at their beck and call.

Add to that the fact that at your age, it is also time (even with the BEST of parents) to make a life of your own.

[barb162]

12. Do exactly as you planned and told us here. You are spending

plenty of time with the parents...2-3 weeks. Don't let them do a guilt trip on you. I know, easier said than done.

Much love!!!! ANd have a good time at your friend's family.

PS. And we want a report on how things went when you get back.

[WindRavenX]

13. many thanks to all that replied

It really is appreciated :hi:

[ikojo]

14. As someone who had to basically create a family

of friends as an adult my advice is to go where you feel safe emotionally and physically.

We cannot choose the biological family to which we are born but we can choose with whom we associate with as adults.

First and foremost you need to take care of yourself.