I'll be 42 and I've never been married. Is there something wrong with me?

[devilgrrl]

Personally, I don't think there is as I have successfully avoided toxic relationships. However, I do get upset when I feel that I'm looked down upon because I haven't paired off. To be brutally honest I have always been rather socially inept no matter how hard I tried to fit in. As result of being a product of a loveless marriage, I've never had the confidence to allow anyone near me and I find the few relationships I have been in far too intense to deal with.

Should I feel bad about all this? If so, why? Anyone else in the same boat?

[ThatsMyBarack]

1. No, of course not!

I'll be 35 and I've never been married! ;)

[GrumpyGreg]

2. Absolutely nothing wrong with you. Marriage is not all that it's

cracked up to be.

I have 2 daughters,both in their early forties,one married with kids,one never married and no kids..

They both have happy lives and sometimes they envy eachother's lifestyle.

The grass is always greener----------!

[progmom]

3. naw.

You shouldn't feel bad. At all. :hug:

[purr]

4. Not at all..

I'm 24, just got married at 23 and I had 2 kids previously and one in marriage and nothings different. Only thing different is that I have a different last name.

I dont see the big deal to be married.. If I got divorced I doubt I'd do it again.

[LynneSin]

5. I'm the same way and yes, I'm straight

You're a single female in your late 30's they start assuming you're a lesbian

[devilgrrl]

6. You know what cracks me up about that assumption?

Is that it's soooooooo insulting to lesbians. Those women have enough going against them to have me involved. :crazy:

[Lisa]

34. If you're an unattached female in your late teens ...

... some people will say the same thing. When I was going through grade school in the 1970s-80s, my home-room teacher told my parents that she was "extremely worried" that I hadn't found a boyfriend yet! I was 10 or 11 years old at the time.

Ironically, this was the same teacher who, a couple of years later, caused a scandal by getting involved with a male colleague -- both of them were married at the time -- when the story came out, my dad announced that he was going to say out loud on Parent-Teacher night "better too few relationships than too many", and my mom nixed the idea.

[AntiCoup2K4]

56. It ain't just single females.

Just last week there was speculation that Patrick Fitzgerald might be "gay" because he's unmarried and in his early 40's. Ken Mehlman, the Republican chair is often referred to as "gay" on this board, but I've never heard any "evidence" other than the fact that he's 39 and unmarried.

As an unmarried 39 year old straight male myself, I find the presumption ridiculous. Not that I give a shit whether or not strangers want to concern themselves with my sexual orientation, or that I take offense at someone thinking I'm "gay", but at the greater presumption that being unmarried at this age is something "wrong" and therefore there is something "wrong" with me.

Reality is. I just stopped looking. There were some valid reasons why, though I won't bore anyone with all of that. If there's such a thing as the "one woman" out there (and it's not who I once thought it was) then I guess I'll find her eventually. If not, life goes on. If existence under the Bush Criminal Empire can truly be called Life anyway.

[Ellen Forradalom]

7. Absolutely not.

I'm the same age and looking to divorce for the second time.

[MN ChimpH8R]

8. You must be the sister I never had

LAte 40s and never a date much less a relationship. My social ineptness is because of my Asperger's syndrome, though. I didn't realize until I was in my teens just how weird my parents' marriage was, when I saw how friends' parents interacted with each other. I can never remember them sleeping in the same room. I thought marriage was just two people living in the same house radiating hostility at each other. I used to blame my dad, until therapy showed my how controlling and emotionally screwed up my mother was. Too bad that my dad died thirty years ago, but I think he knows I have forgiven him.

I have become used to a life seemingly sentenced to singleness. I can fake my way through business situations sometimes, but I cannot understand flirting or male/female mating interactions at all. I can only deal with and understand rational and linear things/situations, and that part of life sure as hell is neither. I am also blind to body language and social cues. I wouldn't recognize interest unless some gal through her arms around me, and even then I'd probably run in the other direction. It will never change at this point. Like Popeye, I yam what I yam, and tha's all what I yam. At least I have my cat.

I don't feel bad about it. I sometimes wish I were on the same planet as most people, but I am not. I am a Vulcan stranded on earth and there's nothing I can do about it. I will never understand these strange neurotypicals I am forced to share the planet with.

[devilgrrl]

11. I don't think I have Asperger's but I too can't read body language....

wouldn't know if a guy liked me unless he threw himself on me. And like yourself - I'd run for the hills not knowing how to react other than warning him that he's making a big mistake.

How do you get tested for Asperger's? Because I've wondered about that the more I learn about it. Personally, I don't think I'm bright enough to have Aspergers.

[MN ChimpH8R]

16. I was diagnosed by my therapist

We were talking about how I had scored in the top 2% on a brains/skills test where I also scored in the bottom 3% on the interpersonal skills test at a job interview. As we chatted I observed that I am simply not interested in most other people unless we share a common interest of some kind. I could practically see the bulb come on over her head as she said "I wonder if you're Asperger's..." I took a couple of the evaluations I found on the Internets and pegged the meters. I'd already taken a Myers-Briggs and knew I was an INTJ, which is both very rare and strongly correlated to Asperger's.

There are formal diagnostic procedures for kids, but for adults it's more self-diagnosis or via things that come out in therapy.

You don't have to be exceptionally bright to be Aspergers' though there's some correlation between giftedness and Asperger's. I was born both - unbelievable smarts, but totally deficient in the skills necessary to interact with the neurotypical world.

[devilgrrl]

20. You wouldn't happen to know of any online tests?

I took one awhile back and scored high for Asperger's - I'm wondering if that's the deal.

[MN ChimpH8R]

21. Here's a couple of links

http://www.slshealth.com/residential/behavioral_info/selftest.asp?CatID=58

http://www.wired.com/wired/archive/9.12/aqtest.html

Interesting Wikipedia article: http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Asperger's_self-identification

There are some others floating around out there in cyberspace, too. You might want to google it.

[devilgrrl]

24. Thanks and here are the results...

from www.slshealth.com:
Self Test for Asperger's Disorder
------------------------------------------------------------------------
Your Score Is 20 of a possible score of 39
The average score for women in the age range 40-49 is 18.
Other people in your age group scored between 4 and 34.

Aspergers could be an appropriate diagnosis; professional further evaluation is needed.

The Wired one wouldn't calculate, so I don't know what that score is.

From http://www.rdos.net/eng/Aspie-quiz.php:
Your Aspie score: 107
Your neurotypical (non-autistic) score: 82
You are more Aspie than neurotypical

From http://www.thegeeksyndrome.com/:
scored 23

Does this all mean that I may have Asperger's? I wouldn't be surprised judging from my social life.

[MN ChimpH8R]

26. It's probablyworth talking with a therapist

about it. My diagnosis came only after I'd been seeing my therapist for about eight months and nothing else seemed to fit.

Good luck!

[XemaSab]

71. LMAO

at WAAAAAY too many of these questions... as I sit here, in the clothes I wore yesterday (and the fleece and hat I wear EVERY day), eating my daily mac and cheese....

(shit! they're on to me!)

[yurbud]

33. I had a student who claimed to have it, but didn't seem inept

or at least not much more than any other techie.

[A HERETIC I AM]

27. DAMN! You need to meet my nephew. A 12 year old that shows signs of

Aspergers. I feel for you. My nephew is incredibly bright but totally inept in social situations with his peers. At 12 or so he has the vocabulary of a college graduate student but that very thing seems to bite him when he converses with another young teenager.
This poor little kids mom passed away about 4 years ago and HE found her. Imagine.....8 years old and you find your mother dead.

Damn Damn...your post really hit home. Your statements remind me so much of my nephew it isn't funny.

I wish my brother would wake up and get him some help.


BTW....i'm 46 and never been married either. Came close a couple times. But i am a trucker, doing mobile marketing and promotions and in a different hotel room almost every night, never in the same town for more than a few days. As i have said to women many times in the past, I'm never in one place long enough to get anything going.

[arwalden]

9. Are You Happy? Are You Content?

Do you get good sex once and awhile? Okay, you don't have to answer that last question... but I figure as long as you're happy, or as long as you feel like you're where you ought to be... then I certainly wouldn't worry too much about it.

[devilgrrl]

13. Sadly, I'm one of those idiots that consumes to much energy...

caring about what others think. I lay that particular fear squarely at the feet of my parents and their incessant social climbing. There is no doubt in my mind that they were ashamed of me in my awkward teens. They won't say it - but I will. But yeah, I care what others think and it's maddening. :evilfrown:

[arwalden]

58. Well... At Least You Are Able To Identify What The Problem Might Be.

The next step is working on finding a solution to it. I'm afraid that something like that will take more than mere words of encouragement, so I'm afraid I can't be of any help to you there. Good luck, though!

[AlCzervik]

10. Of course not!! I've got 2 very good friends that are 38 that have never

been married and have no interest in marriage, one has a boyfriend right now and the other came out of a reletionship about 6 months ago and wants to be on her own now.

[Cats Against Frist]

12. Good god, woman, NO!!!

I'm almost 31, and I've had one 7-year and one 5-going-on-6-year relationship, and I've never particularly felt compelled to marry either man. I figure that when our kid is grown, I'll cut the dead weight loose and be a footloose-n-fancy-free 43 year old, and move in with some very interesting woman, and we'll torment middle-aged hippie forty and fify-something men and live off the regrets of their younger days. Sounds cruel, but fun!!! Think outside the constructs...

I think dating in the 40s and 50s is going to be a GAS with our generation.

[LuCifer]

14. Oh butt of course!!!!!!!

You lesbian you! :sarcasm::sarcasm::sarcasm:

I'm only against gay marrage, cuz, well, WHY ADD MORE SUFFERING TO HUMANITY! :sarcasm::sarcasm::sarcasm:

[Cyndee_Lou_Who]

15. Heh... I, for one... am jealous.

[The Velveteen Ocelot]

17. Not at all. Marriage isn't necessarily what it's cracked up to be.

I was married for 9 years, been divorced for 20, never had much inclination to do it again. I like my freedom; I like not having to answer to anybody. You give up a lot when you get married. Love tends to be short-lived and illusory anyhow. At least you can always count on yourself.

[Susang]

18. Nope

Nothing wrong at all. Not unless you have a problem with it. Doesn't sound like you do, so I wouldn't worry too much about it. :-)

[CBHagman]

19. No, and you have company.

I do know someone who did not marry until he was in his 60s, and it was a happy union.

[The Flaming Red Head]

22. I'll never get married again

good for you. I like being free.


Edited to add: I think marriage benefits men a lot more than women. I don't consider myself socially inept, I just like to do, what I want to do, when I want to do it, so maybe that's selfish, but what ever, at least I'm honest, and I pay my own way.

[SeattleGirl]

23. There's nothing wrong with you for not being married.

Even if you had not been "a product of a loveless marriage", you still may have reasons for not being married. The people that think unmarried people are somehow "not normal" or whatever are idiots.

Sounds like you have a bit of "emotional claustrophobia" (my term for it -- I have some too).

But again, nothing wrong with not being married.

[nini]

25. NO.... you're smart in waiting for the right person

If and when the right person comes along you'll know it. Not settling or being in a relationship just because it's wrong.


I'm 48 and just found someone I could trust in the last year, but I was ok with myself up to that point too.

[just a girl]

40. nini's right

It's better to wait for the right person than to settle for what's available.

[nini]

41. Welcome to DU 'just a girl'!

:hi:


and thanks for agreeing :D

[just a girl]

45. Thanks!

And you're welcome. :)

[u4ic]

28. Why, honey, you're NOTHING without a man

:rofl:

I'm 39 and have never been married. I haven't met a man I'd want to marry - I'm not against it, personally, but I don't want to marry just for the sake of getting married.

I seen a terrible marriage - my own parents (their generation "didn't" divorce), and don't want to find myself in the same boat. I'm less gun shy then, say, 10 years ago, so maybe I'll be ready in another 10. :hi:

[Orsino]

29. Nothing that a good MAN can't cure.

Or a bag of methane with a twenty-word vocabulary, commitment issues and narcolepsy. Whichever.

[Beware the Beast Man]

30. Not at all. There's no time frame for love.

[WCGreen]

31. Much better than being in a loveless marriage...

A bad marriage is horrible....

On you, the spousal unit, the kids the family....

But perhaps what is sad is a marriage that is based on comfort, inertia, a sense of fondness, not love..... Because that kind of marriage bond is hard to break

[Lisa]

32. I'm only a couple of years behind you ...

... so you've got some company! Actually I'm now seeing the marriages of friends and colleagues breaking up, a decade or so after the fact, and believe me, a lot of them are telling me that they're the ones who are envious -- those who "settled" or got married because it was expected/convenient are having second thoughts. Grass is always greener on the other side of the fence, etc.

p.s. you mentioned earlier that you worry about what people think. I'm prone to that kind of thing too, but finding a bunch of friends whose opinions you trust (and who are there for you) can make things a lot easier. I learned this after finding out that one person at my workplace had been making disparaging remarks about my choice of boyfriends ... after I was on my own and not seeing anyone, she kept on making remarks ... I guess there are just some people who like doing that, regardless of the situation! And there's not much one can do, except to decide that "what goes around, comes around". I didn't find out until some time later that she'd saying these things ... and that a) a number of people had defended me in public, and that b) her credibility suffered because of her gossip, even though she was popular at the beginning.

[BuelahWitch]

35. Devilgrrl, I'm a year older than you and never been married

I'm not at all unhappy about it. Don't feel bad about never being married. Even though society would like us all to be drones, we're all different. :hi:

[Wcross]

36. I am also going on 42- never married.

I have had some very serious relationships but never thought of myself as a "marrying man".
Let me tell you about my lifestyle. I live where I want to and am not worried if anyone else likes it or not. I have the home I want in an area I like. I am never forced to do anything I don't want to do (other than work). I can come home with a new and expensive toy- nobody asks questions. I can wear dirty underwear and nobody "dresses" me, I wear the clothes I want to wear. (My dear old Mother had Dad dressing in pale blue summer outfits for years)
There is no debate about anything in my life. I have FREEDOM! The only thing wrong with you is you can't stop questioning your good fortune. If you really wanted a marriage you would be married.

[smirkymonkey]

37. I am the same age and have never been married either, although

I could have been if I had wanted to settle. On bad days, I feel there is something wrong with me but most of the time I realize that I really LOVE being alone, not having to answer to anybody and pretty sure that I am not cut out for a traditional marriage.

I don't want kids and I don't really want to have to take care of an adult either. Unless I find someone who is very self-sufficient and who is someone I feel enriches my life in a way that makes life without them less fulfilling, I will probably stay single too.

Most of what bothers me about it is what other people think, because although I would like a lover and a soul mate, my freedom and solitude are much more important to me than impressing others with my ability to "land" a man. I see too many unhappy women in relationships they are afraid to leave because they don't want to be alone. It's really sad. Work is enough of a committment, I don't really want another one.

[Wcross]

38. Well put smirkymonkey......n/t

[Prisoner_Number_Six]

39. I haven't "paired off" either

and I'm 50.

Nobody's business but mine.

[Penndems]

42. Short answer: No

I didn't get married until I was 45 (and I turned down nine before him). Had no intention of ever getting married, until I met my "Mister Right".

I had a high-powered, exciting career in public service that I loved. When the right guy came into my life (totally unexpected; that's always the way!), I knew it was time to switch gears and move into a new chapter in my life.

[hippywife]

43. Not at all!

I work with senior citizens and have met a few women in their 80's and up who have never been married and they seem very happy.

I didn't get married until I was 38 and I wasn't even looking. I had given up on the idea of finding someone special and had become perfectly content with my life as a single person.

[shockra]

44. I'm 41 and never married.

I wouldn't worry too much about what people think. Just do what's right for you.

I've also wondered about Asperger's recently (since reading about it here on DU). I'd heard about it before but shrugged it off because it was rare. I figured it couldn't be me.

After reading the characteristics of Aspies in a few books though, some of them were way too eerily specifically like me. And a list of comorbidities I found in one pointed even more towards that, since most of them are things I've been diagnosed with at some time over the past almost 30 years.

Comorbidities with Asperger's:

Bipolar
ADD
GAD (Generalized Anxiety Disorder)
OCD (Obsessive Compulsive Disorder)
Social Phobias and General Phobias
PTSD (Post Traumatic Stress Disorder)
Seizure Disorders
Depression
Tourette's Syndrome and Tics
ODD (Oppositional Defiant Disorder)

I find social relationships exhausting. Even with people I know well and/or see every day, like family. It feels like a whole lot of work being around people, so I stay to myself an awful lot. I wouldn't mind spending more time around others if it didn't usually mean I ended up feeling like a doormat. I tend to bend over backwards too much in an effort to not misunderstand/be misunderstood. It takes some awfully nice people not to take advantage of that.

[philosophie_en_rose]

46. I'm 25 and a complete failure in the "man-getting" department.

So I don't look down on you at all. Rather, I think I'm rather fortunate that I haven't thrown myself at every man that I meet or married for the sake of not being alone.

The truth is that I like myself. I'm enough for me. So (except for *censored*ing), I don't feel like I need to have a man at all.

It sucks being the lone singleton around your smug married friends though. That's what Bridget Jones and Ben & Jerry are made for. :)

[Floogeldy]

47. And THEY said all of the good ones are taken!

;)

[alarimer]

48. I am 37 and never been married

Heck I've never had a relationship last longer than 6 months. Well the disaster I talked about in another thread lasted about 9 but I wouldn't say it was very good. I usually don't get past about the three month stage. I have no idea what's wrong with me, if anything. I am socially inept but I am not sure it meets the criteria of a syndrome or whatever. I am, however, a definite introvert, which hurts the social life quite a bit. Coupled with some social anxiety and, now, a HUGE fear of commitment, the end result is that I am alone and for the forseeable future. Plus I am the right wing's worst nightmare- liberal single, well-eduated female who won't be chattel, in a highly conservative state. So it is hard to meet like-minded individuals. plus I am really, really picky when it comes to men. I know whether I am attracted to someone right away and I am not willing to "give it a chance" if the attraction is not there. Problem is, those guys I am attracted to don't seem to be attracted to me and vice versa. So it is a conundrum.

But you are definitely not alone. I wouldn't feel bad. I only feel bad about it when I feel a little lonely and need some, shall we say, attention.

[Lady President]

49. You're fine. I'm almost 35 and never married.

And, I'm fairly sure I won't ever be married. I've had a few bad relationships and some good ones. I definitely don't hate men, but I don't need one to "complete me."

IRL, I'm very outgoing and easily meet new people. I just like living by my own rules. Besides, who decided what is socially inept? Maybe I am because I'm more comfortable in a crowd of strangers, than spending forever with the same person.

[Skip Intro]

50. Similar boat...

44 in Jan and I like being single. I have no desire to "pair off."

I know exactly what you mean, I think. I know some of my family have decided that something is wrong with me - "over 40 and not married, um hmmm."

I'm a social person, I like people, and I like being single.

I do wish I had more freinds tho, more companionship. Most of the friends I had ten years ago have paired off, and have pretty much disappeared. One told me he was getting married because he didn't want to die alone. Never heard a word from him after the marriage, and we were close frends up till that point. That left a bad taste in my mouth.

But I know about being raised by people stuck in a hate-filled relationship. Parents should not have been together, and it made me think things about marriage at a very young age that pretty much doomed the idea for me. Why the hell do people that hate each other stay together when they have kids? Makes no sense.

Anyway, yeah, similar boat. Actually nice to see others here too that can relate. Good thread.

[devilgrrl]

51. It's quite comforting to know that so many share the same experience.

Now, why hasn't a TV show been made about us? :silly:

Thanks for the shoulder everyone. :grouphug:

[HEyHEY]

52. Wow, you're fucked up

I kid, I kid - why should you feel bad about that? Tell peopel to mind their own business

[slay]

53. One of my goals in life is to never get married

Seriously. Why would you want to own someone else or have them own you? That's basically what marriage is - at least that's how it appears to me when I think about every married person I know. Nothing wrong with falling in love, but why would you need "society" to approve of your relationship? Marriage is a way for the church to say "Now you two take care of each other while the world goes to shit." You know, I think maybe I'm anti-marriage. So, at any rate, judging by my standards, YOU RULE! I hope I'm as successful at avoiding marriage! :P :evilgrin:

[Lilith Velkor]

60. I set that goal as a child and still haven't changed my mind

I'm 37 now. As far as I'm concerned, it is the business of neither church nor state whom I am fucking, and the urge to involve said organizations into one's personal life just baffles me.

[slay]

74. You sound like my kinda girl..

Wanna get married? :P :sarcasm: hehehe. 32 here and still marriage-free! Woo-hoo!

[Lilith Velkor]

76. I can see exceptions

Such as: marrying a friend for citizenship purposes, or for enough money up front, or both.

[haele]

54. Of course not.

Plenty of people never been married. Plenty of people waited until they found someone that 1) had shit that could be put up with and 2) could put up with their shit.
I was 43 when I got married, and no one thought of it as a "finally, she got married". There was more of a "funny, I thought she was a closet lesbian...not that there's anything wrong with that" sort of reaction.
Think of it this way; if you don't get married, you balance out all the people who shouldn't have gotten married but did anyway - and most likely several times.

Ignore the following spiel unless you're thinking marriage is an option later in life -

If you do ever get married or decide to have a lifetime living arrangement with someone else at a later, childless-for-you age, make sure of a few things -

If the partner is worth anything and has kids, remember that it's gotta be a package deal if you want a relationship - you'll have to accept the kids as well as the partner.
It will be hard, and the kid(s) will not be the little angels he/she/they're too often advertised as, but you need to be ready to handle the stress that kids will bring to a marriage before you marry someone with kids - even if they aren't the custodial parent! Honestly, IME, handling a tweener or teenager who knows you aren't the "real parent" - no matter how much they profess to love and respect you - it's sometimes as as difficult and exhausting as handling an alcoholic that's spiraling out of control and in denial.
If you have kids, don't sugarcoat the issues they have to your partner, and make it clear that no matter what the partner thinks, they are part of you. It's not fair to anyone.
Pets might be better, they make less messes and tend to love unconditionally.

Your stuff and his/her stuff...that's a toughie, especially if there's two complete households to integrate. It takes several years to sort everything out once you move in together. If your joint living area has a space for storage, that's a major bonus and spares a lot of hard feelings when one spouse.

Finances. Up there next to troubled kids as a late marriage breaker. The most difficult thing to understand when one has spent 25 years of one's life handling one's own finances is that there is now a joint finance situation.
The bills will need to be paid, as well as food, clothing, sundries, and entertainment for now two or more consumers. It's amazing to find out that adding another adult, working or not will generally more than double costs, rather than supposedly cutting costs between the two of you. Much different than having a rentmate, as one party is actually setting aside rent and bill monies instead of throwing them into a family account.
It's best that if you both can, have separate accounts - one for you, one for the other, and a joint bill-paying account where you both equally put in enough for joint bills - the roof over your heads, insurance, utilities, a basic food and vehicle costs stipend, and a small joint emergency fund if possible. Whatever is left over will pay for the occasional or special purchases - or savings - that each of you might like to have individual control over.
It might also be good to have a joint financial counseling so that one or the other of you may not think that buying a new "toy" (that 45" HDTV) is not something that should be thought over and budgeted out over a year of potential expenses for the household. Buying that TV "now" when your joint economic situation is that the household is basically one paycheck in your joint accounts will cut into the ability to take care of an emergency plane ticket to see a dying parent or root canal that can come up next week or in the next six months. A "buffer" of at least a month's worth of subsistence is critical to keep at all times, just in case something terrible happens.

Make sure that you and your partner are realistic about each other - accidents happen, people lose jobs or become disabled or emotionally unbalanced, luck goes sour, financial mistakes are made, people forget there is someone else dependant on their decisions and takes a risk that goes horribly awry, cuteness and sexiness fade away, etc, etc...

Be aware that there are always contingencies and that there is very little that can't be talked out or through so long as everyone is as honest as can be about a situation.

I never thought I'd get married, myself. But after five years of long distance friendship, lots of confidences, a few problem-solving jam sessions, and week-long dates, we decided to tie the knot a couple of years ago.
We're lucky, we're friends and partners, and that seems to work for us. There were plenty of things that could have happened - that would have happened if we were younger with those experiences and attitudes we had back a decade or so ago - that would have kept us from getting married if we had met even five years earlier than we did.

People grow. People change. I always hold that it's how you approach your relationships matter more than whether or not you're married or if you gave your parents grandkids, (if that's important to them).

Haele

[NMMNG]

55. Don't let yourself feel as if there is something wrong with you

Society has this notion that everyone has to pair off when in reality people can exist just fine being single. If you truly want to get involved and eventually get married you can always look into counselling to deal with the issues you mentioned, but do it for you--not because you feel people "look down on you" because you aren't paired off.

[Withywindle]

57. 36 and never married...

...done my fair share of shackin' up, though. In fact I'm doing it even as we speak!

I've just never found it necessary yet...if it ain't broke, don't fix it. (I don't want children, so no "biological clock" type anxieties).

There's nothing at all wrong with you. It is definitely better to be single and comfortable with yourself than in a bad relationship. Too many people really screw up their lives because they think any relationship is better than none.

[raccoon]

59. No, there's nothing wrong with you.

I could identify with a lot of what you said. I've always been rather socially inept, too. And my parents had a terrible marriage. My father was drinking and he and my mother fought all the time. I grew up thinking, and maybe deep inside I still do, of marriage as a bear trap that I didn't want to step into.

I'm 54, never married. I've had 2 LTR's with guys. One guy I lived with for 4 years. Both relationships started out good (they usually do, don't they?).

I've read some good stuff in this thread. I agree with the poster who said marriage seems to benefit men more than women.

I'd like to be married if I found someone who could add something to my life and we enjoyed being together.

Who was it said, "It's better to be single than to wish you were." I totally agree. I've seen a lot of people in unhappy marriages who stay in the marriage because of fear of being alone, inertia, or not wanting to divide the assets and thus have a lower standard of living.

[jane_pippin]

61. Bill Maher, on one of his shows this season, mentioned that single

childless adults are actually the majority group in the country. He might have been kidding, but I've been wondering if there really is something to back that claim up.

And no, you shouldn't feel bad at all.

[Wapsie B]

62. No not at all.

Don't do like some of us have done and rushed into a marriage not because of a deep passionate love but due to some warped idea that you needed to be married no matter what. Like you I've been quite inept with the opposite sex, not being able to approach those who I found interesting and being oblivious to those who did show signs of attraction.

[DJ MEW]

63. Screw Marriage

All you need is some good friends and good times. "Here's to the men we love, here is to the men who love us, here is to the men who don't love us, you know what Fuck the men lets drink to us."*

There is nothing wrong with you. Be the independent woman ghurl.

People have been indoctrinated, by religion, to believe that you are supposed to get married when you get older and then have kids. Its all one big reproduction ritual controlled by religious tradition.

*Willa Ford - Fuck the Men

[av8rdave]

64. Better to be never married and happy

Than married and not happy.

[RedCloud]

65. Think I'll reply first , then see what others had to say.

«Personally, I don't think there is as I have successfully avoided toxic relationships. However, I do get upset when I feel that I'm looked down upon because I haven't paired off. To be brutally honest I have always been rather socially inept no matter how hard I tried to fit in. As result of being a product of a loveless marriage, I've never had the confidence to allow anyone near me and I find the few relationships I have been in far too intense to deal with.

Should I feel bad about all this? If so, why? Anyone else in the same boat?»

Doesn't sound like you really have success in a relationship. Do you try to find out things in common first? It usually takes me months of kind of knowing someone before I decide, "hey it's worth a try". I find the wait is worth it, because you don't get to know people when you are that close because they try too hard to make up for what they feel others found lacking in them and you don't get a real read on the situation.

I think being socially inept is kind of sexy, as it may mean that you just don't dig small talk. I am pathetic at it and after having met more than 100,000 people, my mind is fuzzy on names of who so and so is seeing or in their family.

Many people come from loveless marriages and find love anyway.

Maybe you have some ideas of what love for you is? Do you need your space? I find people generally don't like it when I go into my "box" even at parties, I will zone out just to see if the inner self is still alive and kicking.

Still the guys generally stop being jerks later in life, but there are quite a few persistent ones (at being jerks) out there.

In my line of work I have many female colleagues who have never been married. The only regret I have is that they did not have kids, not that women need to have kids, but to offset the number of conservative women who have kids!!! That is the rub. Most of these women are far more intellectual than the guys they would date, if they did date, out earn them and don't need them. Still they are my pals.

I wish you the best of luck on your journey through life and hope you get answers to what really matters to you.

PS: You are quite normal and honest!

[Left_Winger]

66. If you are happy

with who you are, then no, there is nothing wrong with you.

[Metta]

67. I was 54 before I tied the knot.

First, I didn't want to be married. Then, it took awhile to hook up with the right one. I had to clear out a lot before I had room for someone else.

[LincolnMcGrath]

68. WIll You Marry Me?

Heh Just Kidding!

If you are happy, that is all that matters.

[catzies]

69. You've also never been divorced-tell that to the naysayers who diss you

I'm 43 & never married & also never divorced. That's why I still have all my money & all my stuff. ;)

Don't let anyone else's expectations cause you any grief. :)

[RubyDuby in GA]

70. Not a thing! I just got married and my hubby is 46 (1st marriage for him)

There is a 15 year difference between us (I'm 31).

There's no need to rush anything. I waited for the right one and boy did I find him!

:)

[kwassa]

72. Married for the first time at 47

[Lydia Leftcoast]

73. In my fifties and never married

I'd be delighted to find someone to share my life with, but I'm also realistic enough to know that most of the single men out there, especially in my generation, aren't looking for someone like me: not particularly domestic, averse to suburbia and cars, averse to team sports and camping, averse to Republicans and fundamentalists, fond of books, travel, and performing arts; able to speak foreign languages (that intimidates them more than anything!), unwilling to flatter the male ego unless flattery is justified.

I'm looking for a life companion in an egalitarian relationship, and most men my age are looking for a housekeeper with benefits who is just smart enough to appreciate their jokes but not so smart that she knows things they don't know.

I refuse to settle. I know I would be miserable in the "housekeeper with benefits" role, and I wouldn't be that satisfactory as a housekeeper anyway. Besides, I grew up with parents and other relatives who had "settled" because they were getting to the age where it was embarrassing to be single. I did not observe one happy marriage among them.

Like one of the men I met through personals, I was in college before I met a married couple who actually enjoyed each other's company.

So although I'd rather be "double," I know that being single is not the worst fate in the world.

[bikebloke]

75. Another

Been close once. Had a few offers for residency papers in other countries. But I've hit the big five-oh. I'm quite content and consider myself a quirky alone.

Check out this site:

www.quirkyalone.net

[Ally McLesbian]

77. Don't let the society pressure you

I live in a community of conservative immigrants, and at 29, the pressure to get married is just too much.

That's on top of the GOVERNMENT pressure to marry with tax benefits and all.

I'm not getting married. Even if gay marriage is legalized, I won't get hitched. I just love the freedom to be single too much, and I don't want kids anyway.

I'll just move to West Hollywood or some other singles-friendly neighborhood, and enjoy what they have to offer for my quality of life.

[hfojvt]

78. a year and a half ago I was in the same boat

then I got older.
People sometimes ask me why I am not married, and I am like 'uh, the opposite sex does not find me attractive?'
Still, isn't it better than being unhappily married or unhappily divorced? Love is only for the lucky and the strong anyway, so you might as well feel bad for not having won the lottery.