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I got this in an e-mail from a friend:
The soul of George "Dubya" Bush arrives in heaven and he
is met by St. Peter at the Pearly Gates.
"Welcome to heaven," says St. Peter. "Before you settle in,
it seems there is a problem: We seldom see a Republican
around these parts, so we're not sure what to do with you."
"No problem, just let me in; I'm a believer," says Dubya.
"I'd like to just let you in, but I have orders from the Man
Himself: He says you have to spend one day in hell and one
day in heaven. Then you must choose where you'll live for
eternity."
"But, I've already made up my mind; I want to be in heaven."
"I'm sorry, but we have our rules." And with that, St. Peter
escorts him to an elevator and he goes down, down, down, all
the way to hell. The doors open and he finds himself in the
middle of a lush golf course; the sun is shining in a
cloudless sky, the temperature a perfect 72 degrees. In the
distance is a beautiful clubhouse. Standing in front of it
his dad and thousands of other Republicans who had helped
him out over the years: Karl Rove, Dick Cheney, Jerry
Falwell. The whole of the "Right" is here, everyone
laughing, happy; casually but expensively dressed. They run
to greet him, hug him, and reminisce about the good times
they had getting rich at expense of the "suckers and
peasants." They play a friendly game of golf, then dine on
lobster and caviar.
The devil himself comes up to Bush with a frosty drink and
says, "Have a Margarita and relax, Dubya!"
"Uh, I can't drink no more, I took a pledge," says Junior,
dejectedly.
"This is Hell, son: you can drink and eat all you want and
not worry, and it just gets better from here!" says the
devil.
Dubya takes the drink and finds himself liking the devil,
who is a very friendly guy who tells funny jokes and pulls
hilarious nasty pranks, kind of like a Yale Skull and Bones
brother with real horns. They are having such a great time
that, before he realizes it, it's time to go.
Everyone gives him a big hug and waves as Bush steps on the
elevator and heads upward.
When the elevator door reopens, he is in heaven again and
St. Peter is waiting for him.
"Now it's time to visit heaven," the old man says, opening
the gate.
So for 24 hours Bush is made to hang out with a bunch of
honest, good-natured people who enjoy each other's company,
talk about things other than money, and treat each other
decently. Not a nasty prank or frat boy joke among them; no
fancy country clubs and, while the food tastes great, it's
not caviar or lobster. And these people are all poor; he
doesn't see anybody he knows, and he isn't even treated like
someone special!
Worst of all, to Dubya, Jesus turns out to be some kind of
Jewish hippie with his endless 'peace' and 'do unto others'
jive.
"Whoa," he says uncomfortably to himself, "Pat Robertson
never prepared me for this!"
The day done, St. Peter returns and says, "Well, then,
you've spent a day in Hell and a day in Heaven. Now choose
where you want to live for eternity."
With the 'Jeopardy' theme playing softly in the background,
Dubya reflects for a minute, then answers, "Well, I would
never have thought I'd say this -- I mean, heaven has been
delightful and all -- but I really think I belong in hell
with my friends."
So Saint Peter escorts him to the elevator and he goes down,
down, down, all the way to hell. The doors of the elevator
open, and he finds himself in the middle of barren, scorched
earth covered with garbage and toxic industrial waste...kind
of like Houston. He is horrified to see all of his friends
dressed in rags and chained together, picking up the trash
and putting it in black bags. They are groaning and moaning
in pain, faces and hands black with grime.
The Devil comes over to Dubya and puts an arm around his
shoulder.
"I don't understand," stammers a shocked Dubya. "Yesterday I
was here and there was a golf course and a clubhouse and we
ate lobster and caviar and drank booze. We screwed around
and had a great time. Now there's just a wasteland full of
garbage and everybody looks miserable!"
The Devil looks at him, smiles slyly, and purrs, "Yesterday
we were campaigning; today you voted for us."
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