Should I be Pissed?

[Jack_Dawson]

My gf today admitted she stole my cellphone password and has been checking my voicemails. Freaked out on me cause there was one from an ex, even though she set me up with a "have you heard from so-and-so lately" question. Not wanting to send her into hysterics (she can be a little fragile) I said no. So now I feel mad and violated, and she is calling me a liar. Your thoughts?

[ragin_acadian]

1. depends,

on how you feel about her - it doesn't seem like she trusts you, so she might not be thinking long-term.

not trying to lay a load on you or anything, but if it is just sex & fun, play her game. if you are looking for something meaningful, well...you might want to look somewhere else.

sorry, just my opinion.

[Crazy Guggenheim]

2. Join the Pee Club.

[Misunderestimator]

3. Um... yeah... I'd be pissed.

Trust is trust. She was checking your voicemail? Holy crap... that's all you need to say.

[johnnie]

4. Honestly?

Drop her now. that's not something that someone should put up with. It will only get worse.

[Left Is Write]

5. Should you be angry? That's up to you. I sure as hell would be.

[Jack_Dawson]

9. Apoplectic, actually n/t

[TheProphetess]

6. If she trusted you, then she'd let you have your space

That ain't cool. It may be tempting to sneak a bit but it's not what good relationships are based on, IMO.

[MazeRat7]

7. Yeah... you _should_ be pissed... really pissed.

Time to have a come-to-jesus meeting about respect for privacy. If she's not cool with that cut her loose.

MZr7


Side note: This has happened to me. Its was my email, it was my ex-wife, and no... there were no other women involved.

[Droopy]

8. You're both guilty

Trust and honesty. Tell her you know you shouldn't have lied, but she shouldn't have gone all CIA on your ass either.

[crispini]

10. Um, yes.

If any bf of mine checked my voicemails on the DL, I would drop him faster than a hot potato. That's disrespectful, privacy-invading, uncool, manipulative, sneaky, low-down and basically baaaaaaad news.

[Jack_Dawson]

11. That's kinda what I'm thinking

"But if you had nothing to hide, I would know your password and have a key to your house."

OMG

[crispini]

12. Oh, that's bullshit.

Building up trust is a gradual process that has nothing to do with whether or not somebody has something to hide. I have never, EVER given a bf the password to my cellphone -- and none have ever asked. Similarly, I would not expect that they would open my mail or read back issues of my diary (which are located right there in the bookshelf).

A SO needs to allow you some space and respect some boundaries and not feel the need that they have to snoop snoop snoop all over your ass.

[Jack_Dawson]

15. Thanks...I think I needed to hear that

Feeling very manipulated and pissed off right now...

[crispini]

17. Yeah, wait until you've calmed down to talk to her about it.

Shit, I'm pissed on your behalf and I don't even know you! :P

[Jack_Dawson]

18. LOL...Thx n/t

[Madrone]

29. 1000% what she said!

Right on, crispini. I would be ballistic. That's a HUGE no no in my world.

[Left Is Write]

14. Oh, no, no, no.

No.

I have nothing to hide either, but my husband does not have the password to my gmail account, nor does he have the password to the voicemail on my cellphone. I don't have his either. It's not that we're purposely keeping that information from each other; the situation simply hasn't arisen where either of us would have wanted/needed the other's info. It never occurred to us to ask.

"Nothing to hide" doesn't mean that either party is no longer entitled to some privacy.

[carpetbagger]

20. Did she actually say that?

I have a long and measured answer for how you should look at it, based on my life experiences watching people get cuckolded and wondering if she had any grounds, even "that's so stupid I thought it only happened on Three's Company" reasons.

However, if she doesn't think people have the right in relationships to privacy with communications barring some type of "probable cause"/"reasonable suspicion" grounds for snooping, you should be very pissed, and very paranoid.

It sounds rather Ashcroftian to me. All relationships have boundaries, and all people you'd want to be in a relationship with should understand that privacy important to you isn't necessarily the same as privacy that's important to her. For instance, she might not like you to walk in to the bathroom when she's in the shower, even after 20 years. Or maybe her thing is not having you know the details about her medical care. Or maybe she doesn't want you to know what she does with petty cash. Or maybe she has no needs for privacy on a physical level, but I can guarantee you that all of us have thoughts, fears and desires we hide from our spouses and other loved ones.

[Jack_Dawson]

21. Great Points...

So true. Thanks.

[gollygee]

44. I've been married for 7 years

and it would still never occur to me to even ask for my husband's cell phone password.

I'd be running away if I were you. She sounds controlling.

[LibraLiz1973]

49. Time to evacuate

That's insane. She's already showing signs of co-dependent lunacy.
If this is what she's doing now.. imagine if you actually married her.
GET OUT NOW

[MazeRat7]

13. Yeah... what she said. Thanks for the help in articulating those traits.

[Phentex]

47. agreed!

I know couples who share everything, even e-mail and passwords and if it works for them, fine. But without permission, it's a big red flag.

[democracyindanger]

16. No, you should run

Run far, and run fast.

[enigmatic]

19. Pissed, outraged....you name it....

If that were my gf I'd break off the relationship; I'd never trust her again...

[warrens]

22. Dump her

That's inexcusable. And to set you up like that is worse. She'll only get worse.

I don't even check my daughter's emails and voicemails. I DO check her surfing history stuff, because there is an addiction issue, but I tell her I'm doing it.

If this woman is so insecure she's stealing your password, what will she do next?

[Ladyhawk]

23. Ugh...sounds like my mother, for chrissake.

Do you want to marry someone like my mother? :scared:

[Jack_Dawson]

26. Well...I don't know your mother

she's probably a nice woman...but I don't want to marry someone going CIA on me 24/7.

[sparky_in_ma]

24. deja vu

(she can be a little fragile) Is that the same as "issues", such as manic depression? If so, I have that tee shirt. Run, don't walk. It will get worse and you can't fix it.

[Jack_Dawson]

27. LOL...how did you know?

I thought I could fix anything. Fuck.

[LibraLiz1973]

50. I think unless your willing to completely change your behavior

and what you want out of life it's time to move on. She needs someone alot more whipped who will actually buy into the whole "If you have nothing to hide you'll give me....." Thats just a pathetic excuse for being nuts.

[mopinko]

25. well, i'll just say that

some people have trouble with trust. it can make relationships really fucked up. sounds to me like she is very afraid. it probably doesn't have anything to do with you, it has to do with her capacity for trust. i don't think anger will do anything but make it harder. maybe a couple laps around the block in her shoes would help you see what's what. i can tell you that not being able to trust someone that you love is a special kind of hell. looking at it from the standpoint of right and wrong is not likely to do anything good for anyone.

[Rabrrrrrr]

28. Not pissed, just well informed as to what a psycho she is,

and why you shouldn't be with her any more.

[Tsiyu]

30. How long have you been dating?

Not that this makes a difference, but people who try to horn in on your life right out of the gate are bad news.

She obviously does not trust you, or else thinks she has to test you. Either way, she's in the wrong. I think I'd let that gal go and find someone who won't obsess about your every move.

Sorry you have to deal with this!

[Jack_Dawson]

32. Off and on 2 years

Thx...I agree.

[Tsiyu]

37. Sounds like she might want to push the relationship into a more serious

level, but that's one hell of a way to push someone away, huh?


You deserve much better IMHO

[enigmatic]

33. Ugh; I hate the "testing" thing..

If you've got to "test" me to see if you either want to trust me or be w/ me, what's the point of the relationship to begin with?

I'm so glad I don't have to worry about that stuff anymore..

[Tsiyu]

36. And you know it will only get worse

with time

[Catherine Vincent]

31. That's not good.

She doesn't trust you. But will she ever?

[Book Lover]

34. You *have* been violated

and she will never trust you. End it now.

[LibraLiz1973]

51. Also... HE will NEVER trust HER

I know I wouldn't

[Book Lover]

53. Good point.

And why should he?

[gardenista]

35. Get out now.

Here are the rules for breaking up with potentially psycho, no-boundary girlfriend:

1. No break-up sex. Do not, under any circumstances, no matter how hot you think it might be, agree to any break-up sex.

2. Clean break. No "let's be friends" or "maybe in a year or so". Clean. Over. Now. No phone calls to see how she's doing.

3. Tell her, in no uncertain terms, why you are breaking up. Because she invaded your privacy, and then baited you to try and catch you in a lie. She had no right. I have been married for eight years, and I would NEVER invade my husband's privacy like that, even if I thought something was going on.

Get out. Now. And find a partner who respects you, and doesn't think she owns you.

[Jack_Dawson]

38. Great advice

We tried the "let's be friends thing" last time but of course that didn't work. You sound like a genius. :-)

[gardenista]

59. Not a genius, but thanks!

This comes from experience. Us old 45 year old ladies have learned a thing or two when it comes to breakups, and the value of finding a healthy relationship based on trust.

"let's be friends" is really tough to pull off if there's a lot of sexual tension between you. Been there. I have an old boyfriend from 17 years ago that I can't even talk to on the phone without a very strong physical reaction. That's a sign of trouble, and I have not seen him for over 10 years. Accidentally talked with him (long story) about 4 years ago, was on my car phone, and had to pull over to get it together. Me, an old married lady. That's trouble with a capitol "t". I bet you can guess which end of that relationship I was on. I was the no-boundary girlfriend. I've learned a lot since then.

[LibraLiz1973]

52. I agree with mgdecombe

If I thought something was going on, I still would not be able to sacrifice my pride to stoop to that level. Violating someones privacy is serious. The fact that she is trying to turn it around and blame it on you is just sick

[JohnnyCougar]

39. End the relationship!!!

What?!?!? I don't know anyone who should violate my privacy in such a way!!! Dump her immediately!!!

[Heidi]

40. Congratulations. You've just gotten a glimpse into your future . . .

if you remain with this partner. Now you have an opportunity to consider whether this is the way you want to live in the long-term, as these insecurities generally tend to get worse, not better, as the relationship goes on and the insecure person's sense of owning you becomes cemented by time and your willingness to live with it.

Best of luck to you, Jack.

[seaglass]

41. Does she have a reason to distrust you? I am a firm believer

in privacy, I've been married for almost 20 years and I wouldn't even open mail addressed to my husband (even junk mail - he needs to take care of it himself).

I figure if my trust is misplaced it is his fault not mine.

However, if I knew he was conversing with an ex-gf, wasn't telling me and hadn't shut it down I wouldn't trust him anymore and I might access his cell phone messages (if he had a cell phone).

[iconoclastic cat]

42. I want to present the dissenting opinion, with a few qualifiers:

First, I have had some seriously insane relationships. Most of them resembled the Kurt and Courtney fiasco. For some reason, I am drawn to that sort of personality. Usually, these relationships began and ended in fire.

There was one, however, that began in 1993 and turned out differently. For the three years, it was like a goth-punk version of Jackie Chan's classic Drunken Master films. Accessing cell phone messages would've been mild compared to the insanity that we stirred every day. But then, slowly, it dawned on the both of us that we needed to get our shit together--and we did. It is now 2005, and we're married. To each other. And it's fantastic.

I suppose the reason why I'm telling you this is that not all of these sorts of relationships turn out badly. They just take work and some serious reflection.

[GoddessOfGuinness]

43. As one who's been in her shoes,

yes, you have every right to be pissed; and yes, she should be ashamed of herself for invading your privacy. However, the rest of your life (or the rest of your time together) does NOT have to be like this. Your first step is to figure out how much this relationship means to you; and she needs to do the same.

Should you both decide it's worth it to stay on course, there are trust issues that need to be resolved. But you'll need to take care of them without blaming and accusations. You both have to be willing to let go of past events that have led up to the current situation, and resolve to learn from them. Therapy would be exceptionally helpful. It will take a lot of effort and a lot of love.

If you decide it's not worth it to continue this relationship, I'd still recommend some serious soul-searching for each of you; because the problems that you're experiencing now will probably repeat themselves with different partners. There's nothing so burdensome in a relationship as the heavy baggage one brings from their last encounter.

Good luck! :hug:

[tjdee]

45. No, you should marry her.

I know a guy who is doing just that. She got his email password, and similar events ensued. They're getting married in a few weeks.

If you *don't* want to be a punkass like that guy though, though, you need to talk to her when neither of you are angry. She didn't just invade your privacy, she then BAITED you. It is clear at this point that she DOES NOT TRUST YOU. That can be changed, but not until she admits that she was wrong.

And btw, you lied--because she's "fragile". That sounds like a headache to be dealt with too. How many times will you lie to her so she doesn't freak out? And I'd be furious if I found out you thought I was "fragile".

[Dastard Stepchild]

46. When my husband and I first started dating...

he made the curious decision to check my emails. He found some correspondence between some male friends and myself. With him being somewhat of a jealous person, when I returned home from work that day, I arrived to a rather snarky individual. I asked what was up and he said I was duplicitous for having conversations with male friends behind his back. I informed him that they were not behind his back, but were in fact my personal conversations that I was fully able to have, and that if he pained him to read them, he shouldn’t snoop. I then told him he could deal with it or hit the road because I wasn’t going to put up with silliness. Truth be told, I did put up with the silliness for quite a while, and he did make a concerted effort to be less jealous for quite a while. It took time, patience and a lot of trust on both of our parts. I had to work with him and he had to work with me…. it involved some effort from me to try and understand where the jealousy was coming from and some effort from him to try and understand that a female can communicate with another man without wanting to give him a handjob. After about 6 years of being together, we have struck a happy balance.

Relationships are so sticky. I am not remotely a jealous or insecure person. My husband, to some extent, is. We have found a way to make this work for us. It is possible, but it takes a lot of work and some real commitment from both parties.

Best to you….

[davsand]

48. I'm married and wouldn't do that to my husband.

I won't even look in his wallet without his knowledge, and he knows all my passwords. He's given me his too--so it isn't a big deal. I would have never married him had I not trusted him implicitly. This whole thing, however, would send up warning flags for me, Jack. Obviously, my relationship is not yours--but there are some fundamental things laying here that really should be getting your attention.

It is not so much that you two have trust issues--because face it, you don't trust her not to mess with your business now--but it is more a fact that you talk about her as being "fragile" and that you lied because of that. THAT indicates to me that you guys have had other issues with each other that have not resolved well or have not been dealt with at all.

I also wonder if there is anything else at work here with you two--like maybe some kind of "power thing" or maybe even some kind of chemical issue for one of you. YOU control your behavior--not hers. If she's got some kind of issue you can't make her fix it, and unless she WANTS to, it is a horribly negative place for you to be in mentally.

I think you should do what YOU think is best for you. If you really think you can work past this (and are actually motivated to work past it) then by all means--do it. If you feel like she crossed a line of no return, then leave skid-marks because you ran away so fast.

Sorry, I wish I could be more upbeat here--but it sounds like you two have some major league issues and only you two know if it is worth fighting to save it.

Good luck!



Laura

[undeterred]

Stealing a cellphone password sounds like going to a lot of trouble

but how would you feel if it had been something more accidental?

Long ago, I looked at a letter that I saw in a boyfriend's apartment. We had been together for 2 years and we were serious, though not living in the same place. I saw that the letter was from a female that he grew up with and had dated in the distant past. I knew who she was and had met her, but I had no idea that they were corresponding on a regular basis (ok, this was after the telephone was invented, but it was before voicemail and email) or that there were still romantic feelings there.

I couldn't resist reading it, and it was pretty lovey dovey. He hadn't actually cheated on me, but it was clear from the contents of the letter that she still expected that he was going to come back to her eventually and that there was still a strong connection between them. I didn't confront him about the contents of the letter, but I asked him if he had heard from her and he said yes but didn't volunteer anything.

I knew he'd be furious that I had read the letter. But I was also furious that they were corresponding - writing long letters from the heart- every week or two without my knowing anything about it. I kept it to myself and 2 months later we were engaged. After that a lot more issues came up and eventually I realized that I didn't trust him and I ended the relationship.

Guess what- 2 years later they were married. I am glad I read the letter, and I think it was a necessary part of figuring out what that relationship ought to be.

Edit: Trust is only possible where both parties are deserving of trust. Contact with ex-partners is information that should be volunteered to the current partner since you are trustworthy and there's absolutely nothing to hide. That builds trust.

[MrSandman]

54. This keeps gettting kicked doesn't it...

You can't trust her. Not even enough to tell her the truth.

She obviously doesn't trust you.

You both lied. You both justify the deceit.

Instead of being angry, deal with the causes of the mutual mistrust or cut and run.


My humble opinion.

[Baclava]

55. Use her for sex then dump her...

What's the problem? It's not like you're married...geeze...in the meantime, check out her hot girlfriends...if fact, ask if you can bring some in for some threesomes...

Feel liberated, not trapped...use this unfortunate wench as a learning experience...

[Misunderestimator]

56. Yes, by all means, prey off her insecurities to use her for sex...

:eyes:

[Baclava]

58. If it was "her" asking...I would say the same...

Liars, cheats and thieves get no sympathy from me...

[gardenista]

60. But they *do* get the schtup? Yuck. nt

[tjwmason]

57. I'd sure be majorLy pissed off

The question was such a bLatent set-up, and in your pLace I would have answered exactLy the same (which sane man wouLd rather have pointLess and seemingLy endLess conversation which wouLd have ensued).

I'm assuming that there is nothing for you to feeL guiLt about with your ex, which pushes the originaL cause right back onto her. You say 'she has been' which rather impLies that this is an on-going behaviour on her part - it is compLeteLy unacceptabLe. It is aLso very possibLe that this is not the onLy pLace in which she has been snooping on you.

Change your password before anything eLse. Then caLmLy consider over a whiLe - don't make any decisions in haste and anger.

I'm a very private person, and wouLd now be packing my bags (either LitteraLLy or metaphoricaLLy) to get out of there.