...how to separate the bullshit from the actual experience. ;) I learned all the buzzwords and -phrases, too.
- "Was responsible for (x)" = I did as little as I could get away with and still get paid
- "Led a team to (blah)" = I didn't do any of the actual work
- "Excellent at multitasking" = Utterly disorganized, my cubicles were often declared fire hazards.
- "Consistently met schedule requirements" = I delivered, even thought it was crap, and just hoped nobody noticed.
- "Always delivered quality, however much effort it took" = I never once managed to meet a deadline.
- "Always willing to put in extra effort to meet commitments" = I lack time management skills, forcing me to put in ridiculous amounts of overtime, which is why I am either (1) hopelessly unmarriageable or (2) recently divorced and denied custody of the kids.
- "Spearheaded an effort to (thus-and-such)" = They told me to try to get this thing done, we had several pointless meetings, and nothing ever came of it.
- "Commended for innovative thinking" = I was reprimanded for failing to follow company procedures.
- "Adhered to company procedures" = The opposite of the previous skill, I wouldn't know an original idea if it bit me on the ass.
- "Team player" = Utterly incapable of leading, I operate best in sheep-mode.
- "Team leader" = Utterly incapable of working well with others, I have to have my way or I throw tantrums.
- "Organized and extensively coordinated project efforts" = I excelled at holding as many meetings as possible, much to the annoyance of my coworkers and teammates.
- "Respect of my peers" = Everybody hated me and never invited me out to lunch.
- "Respect of my superiors" = My managers hated me, too.
- "Project team lead" = I was a tin-hat martinet with delusions of grandeur -- my coworkers hated me and my boss thought I was a pathetic but convenient scapegoat.
- "Cross-disciplinary training throughout firm" = Managers kept passing me from one to another like a tar-baby, each hoping I'd finally wise up and quit.
cheers!
-Technowitch
"Your Worst Nightmare!"