I just found out my girlfriend is a meth user and pregnant.

[Sean Reynolds]

Tonight I got off the phone with my girlfriend's mother who just found out that my girlfriend is abusing meth and is pregnant. She's 19 (I'm 20) and I know the baby isn't mine because we've been dating for about 7 months now and we didn't have sex until about two and half weeks ago (the doctor says she's about two months pregnant).

I'm really pissed right now on two levels. I'm pissed that she'd cheat on me and have unprotected sex (god knows that kind of things she could have gotten); I'm pissed that she lied to me and I'm pissed that she'd use meth.

I don't know what to do. I've known her for over three years (we were friends before we started dating) and I don't want to just cut myself off from her. But I can't look past what she did. I hate drugs with a passion and it floors me she'd do it.

I think I'm a nut. I'm angry over her cheating, but I'm more hurt over the drug use. Why? I mean I don't think I can look past the cheating, but I also think it takes a backseat to the drug abuse. Really I'm just confused and I don't know what to do. Should I talk to her or just cut all ties? I felt this girl was someone I could live the rest of my life with and now I'm not so sure I should even see her again.

I know this sounds bad, but I needed to vent. I tried talking to a friend, but he was oblivious offered little advice.

Oh well. :(

[Floogeldy]

1. Sorry to hear it

Cut yourself off from her and dump the loser.

NOW.

[Maestro]

67. Time for an intervention

Even if you don't see yourself with her in the future, she needs help. Meth is a mean drug and will cause great harm to the baby. If only for the baby, get her some help immediately!!!!!!!!!!!

Edit: Placed under wrong message. Intended for Sean. Also, just read through the whole thread. It seems like you broke things off...forget my advice then.

[imenja]

2. I'm so sorry

I have no advice to offer, but I'm sorry about your predicament. It sounds like a difficult one.

[fujiyama]

3. That's terrible

and especially frustrating because meth is much worse than many other drugs.

If you still want to get this to work out, you should confront her about this and if she doesn't cooperate after some time, then leave her. She better stop the drug use soon, if she hasn't, because the effects can be terrible for the fetus.

Otherwise, I'd walk away now and definetely get tested for STDs.

[Technowitch]

4. Sean, I know you aren't going to want to hear this...

...but walk away.

She cheated, she lied, and she's using one of the worst drugs on this planet. What makes you think ANY of this will change anytime soon?

Do you want to make yourself responsible for another man's child? To be part of caring for a baby that is going to have severe health problems right from day one (assuming she's even able to carry it to term)? To end up having to parent this girl, too, since obviously she's not fit to be an adult herself?

Someone who cheats will cheat again. And when you're addicted to meth, you don't just give that up unless you really, really want to -- and from everything you've said here, she has ZERO interest in doing that.

You deserve better.

[CanuckAmok]

11. Hear hear.

Walk away.

It's going to be tough, but you have to understand that the cheating, as you yourself say, takes a second place to the drugs.

She probably didn't cheat for reasons that would conventionally making you jealous... the cheating is probably a way to try and tell you something, or just self-destructive behaviour....for whatever reason.

Blah blah blah... pop psyche gobbledeegook.

Bottom line: not your baby, not your addiction, not your problem.

Walk away and move on. You're young enough to start over, and too young to let someone fucked up into your life on a semi-permanent basis.

my $0.02 (CAD).

[SKKY]

43. What??? Walk away??? Are you kidding???

...Don't walk away from her. RUN!!!!!

[Richard Steele]

52. DAMN right you better RUN!

I was 20 yo myself once, Sean, and in a similar situation.

I tried to be a 'nice guy', a friend, just a decent human....

LOOOOONG story SHORT:
RUN, Sean...Run like you f*ckin' STOLE something!!!

Tell her you are dumping her, and then get the HELL out of town for a few weeks...avoid contact with ANYONE she even knows!(your friends and family INCLUDED!)

It doesn't take alot of cash; you can 'Go Greyhound' anywhere in the USA for $100 bucks; BEG your parents for the money if you have to!!

Get away, take some time to get your head clear.
Visit some distant relatives, see what some 'homeless shelters' are like on the coast...ANY coast!

Have I mentioned: "RUN!!"?

[BlackVelvetElvis]

5. Damn. You have every right to be pissed.

I'm not you nor do I know you so I can't suggest your how to act towards her.
Sounds like you need time to sort out how you feel about her and how you feel betrayed. Do just that, take some time out. I believe you are entitled.
See how you feel a few weeks down the road and determine if you can at least remain friends with her (she may need some friends). That's your call though.
Good luck.

[MrSlayer]

6. Well take this advice.

Sever all relations with her right now. It sucks and it will hurt but you will be much better off. Get checked for STDs too. Chalk it up as a learning experience and move on.

[bridgit]

7. not good

[enigmatic]

8. walk away- now!!!

DO NOT stay in a relationship w/ this woman; is going to be unending grief for you, as well as open season on your wallet. There are much better, sane, stable women out there; don't ruin your life w/ this one in the state she's in right now. Please.

Good luck.

[Amfortas]

9. Yes...she's mixed up right now ......she needs someone....

and whether she loves you or not you need to ask yourself "Do I love her? ", if you do I tell you you will never forgive yourself ever if you dump her .

She's vulnerable now , so extend her a loving hand , give her a chance , for we are only humans and sometimes people make mistakes...

that's all ...

[Technowitch]

18. If the GF had come forward with this information, that'd be one thing

But she didn't. Our friend here had to find out from the girl's MOTHER -- both about the pregnancy and the drug addiction.

Yes, sometimes we are humans who make mistakes and get involved with things we shouldn't.

I have a little sister, however, who married for the wrong reasons -- and ended up with a crack-addict husband. Year after year, he promised to do better and to clean up, and every time it was a lie. To this day, I continue to be angry that she subjected her children to that poisonous environment.

Frankly, I wouldn't care if I'd thought I was "in love" with someone. If I'd found out they'd been lying to me to that extent -- and furthermore was involved with another person behind my back, to the point of a pregnancy -- I'd be out of there so fast it'd make your head spin.

To 'extend that loving hand' the person you're extending it to has to at least meet you with a minimal degree of honesty and forthrightness. Where's that here? She hid both the addiction and the pregnancy from her BF -- AND STILL IS!!!

A minor indiscretion I can understand. Or coming to one's spouse and admitting one has a drug problem. But this? No, sometimes actions need consequences, else it becomes nothing more than co-dependent enabling.

And trust me, I know quite a bit about that last.

-Technowitch
Al-Anon, class of 1988.

[burrowowl]

21. She needs professional help

not an enabler. If he is serious he will get informed but will have to be as impartial as possible and given young hormones and such, I don't think he can 'save' her.
He can see about social services and notify hospital that girl has been taking meth and to treat the baby.

[traco]

23. She needs the baby's daddy...she has no right to expect

this one to stay with her. She cheated, she got pregnant, she has such a lack of concern for her unborn baby that she is doing hard drugs.

She has made her bed, now she can lay in it.

This guy was taken advantage of and he needs to try to move on with his life and forget about the "so called FRIEND" who could hurt him so bad and not seem to care!

[bilgewaterbill]

10. Whoa! Tough predicament.

She needs to be with the father. Not you! The baby is his responsibility. Ask yourself this- If she wasn't pregnant, would you cut her loose since you found out she was cheating and doing drugs?

[Floogeldy]

12. It is not that tough

He needs to dump the loser.

[WatchWhatISay]

13. Some missing information

Are you in love with her? You said you thought she was someone you could live with for the rest of your life, but do you really want to?

She must have known how opposed you are to drugs, so why would she jeapordize the relationship be electing to go down that path? Does she have an addiction from the past? If so, the drug use may have brought on the unfaithfulness. That's about the only situation I can see where you might want to fight for her. Otherwise, it looks like she has already left you, at least as a lover.

[Sean Reynolds]

33. I'm not sure I do love her.

I had feelings for her, maybe that was love. But right now I'm hurt and angry...no love.

[BikeWriter]

42. If you relent and allow her in your life expect many more years...

...of being hurt and angry.

[huellewig]

49. If you think you might have been in love..

It wasn't fucking close to love. You know without a doubt when it is love.

And if this girl hasn't already given you a STD don't give her the chance to do so in the future.

[Lexingtonian]

14. well, she needs help now

if all you say is true, and it would be very cruel and very cheap to walk away at this, the worst point of the crisis. If you are a friend, this is when and where you prove it. To yourself, if not her.

There are two parts to this. One, people tend to fall into drug abuse because of problems in their life that seem (or are) too difficult to deal with. Secondly, I'm not sure of the particular effects, but methamphetamine is a teratogen. Find out about that.

I think when you see that she has treatment and somewhere to go to clean up, that's when you start putting distance between her and yourself. Don't be a crutch for disability, don't declare it everybody else's problem.

[Technowitch]

19. Re-read what he said.

The GF hasn't admitted anything as yet. Nor was there anything in there about her seeking treatment.

[Elidor]

15. Walk away, man.

I recognize the impulse to withstand the train wreck, but it's unproductive. Right now you're just a raw mass of emotion. Get your head on straight before you make any decisions.

[Susang]

16. Sean, you need to talk to someone

Seriously, this problem is a big one, and since you care so much for this woman, just trying to cut off all ties with her would be extremely difficult without some help and support.

Aren't you in school? If you are, I'm sure they have a counseling department that you can contact. The one at my college helped me, way back when. If not, try Al-Anon, a lot of people get help from them.

[HamstersFromHell]

17. My advice.

Walk away now.

She cheated once, she'll cheat again. She'll only realize what she had once she loses it without hope of regaining it.

I know there's some who will reply that if you love her, you'll stay for her. But that's not the real question. The real question is what did she love more than you? You already have those answers.

Love unfortunately will not cure everything that ails people. I've been down that road and it's not fun. It may hurt now but it's only going to get worse if you don't make a clean break and put it all behind you.

To me, relationships are a matter of trust, and trust is earned, not given. She's done two things to break that trust already, so what's left to rebuild when you'll constantly be thinking the worst from now on?

You're still young and life is better than living in eternal doubt. Break clean and don't look back. Happiness may be ahead, and where you least expect it.

Best wishes and best of luck to you.

[WindRavenX]

20. Do talk to a counselor

Before anything else.
:hug: :hug:
Ugh. Why does this shit have to happen to people now?

[norml]

22. Some people do meth for a while, then realize how addictive, and

damaging it is. Sometimes they stop, and never do it again. The results of meth are anything but mellow. You get the effects of severe sleep deprivation with meth, while feeling that you're totally on top of everything. It destroys the body, as well as destroying the personality, with violence, and paranoia. As far as fooling around with, or getting knocked up by another lover, that's a situation as old as time. Control your outrage, and take a deep think, as to whether it's a situation you want to stay with, or not. No need to stone the adulterer. You should try to be kind, you can afford to. Just keep your pennies in your pockets, while the real daddy has to sweat about child support. You my friend are free as a bird, at this point. Maybe you should go on holiday for a week, or two. You could relax, and things might settle themselves out while you're gone. Finally, if you must dialog, try not to say anything stupid, and think before you speak.

[bilgewaterbill]

24. Just a thought...

Any chance the mother could be lying?

[Technowitch]

25. Maybe. I imagine there's a confrontation coming soon...

...in this young man's future. I, for one, would want answers.

Actually sounds more to me like Mom thinks well of the lad and is trying to keep him from getting hurt. Usually, there are signs enough about "evil parents" that when they lie, it's obvious by then what they're trying to do. But hey, I could be wrong.

[enigmatic]

26. No, I think you've got it right..

She's probably trying to save him a lifetime of grief; she knows her daughter better then anyone I imagine..

[Technowitch]

27. That was my take on it, yeah (eom)

[Sean Reynolds]

32. I talked to my girlfriend tonight.

I guess one of her friends had told her mother about it all. The motehr called me because she didn't know who else to tell, but I didn't have any answers for her.

I posted what we talked about below. I don't wanna re-post it.

[flaminbats]

28. try taking a break from dating

So many people in this world think just of themselves, but never of those they hurt. We are all hurt in relationships, but any relationship worth having is one in which lovers can acknowledge mistakes. Any relationship in which a lover will use sex and lies as a means of control shall ultimately end.

I wish I could help more, but this experience will only help you avoid it for the future. ;)

[hickman1937]

29. You haven't responded to any post here,

so either your bullshiting, or you need to get together with grandma, and help her get custody. The mom to be is not living in her body anymore. Addiction lives there now. Nothing trumps addiction. Or just walk away.

[Sean Reynolds]

31. I was on the phone with her.

Sorry my replies weren't quick...I had to talk to her.

I already posted what I said to her.

[Technowitch]

38. BTW, I'm glad you did this.

Shows you were thinking about all the alternatives and issues.

[Sean Reynolds]

30. Thanks everyone for the advice...I've called her.

I called her right after I wrote this message and told her that I couldn't stay in contact with her because I didn't want to be dragged into the mess she had created. I also said how I wasn't sure about my feelings for her. She started to sob, saying that she loved me and needed me through this. I told her I couldn't help her, that she could only help herself. I then told her that if and when she straightens out to contact me, but not until then.

I then hung up. She called back but I didn't answer.

I just hope I said the right thing.

[enigmatic]

34. You did.

Don't waver; you did the right thing. Don't let her suck you into her mess, or you may never get out of it.

Good luck.

[hickman1937]

35. You've got hard choices.

Walk away clean, and start over, or help her. The only way you could ever help her is if she's willing to first get help for herself. I just don't know. The easiest, best thing you can do for yourself is walk away.

[Technowitch]

36. *hugs* You did the right thing, Sean

I know my words were hard at times and may have seemed angry -- but that's only because at 42, I'm trying to keep you from making mistakes I made when I was your age.

Believe this, if you believe nothing else: You deserve the very best.

[CubsFan1982]

37. You did do the right thing.

People like that you don't need in your life. I've been there -- some of my own family are like that. If they're not willing to admit they have a problem and/or get help, then you need to cut ties.

You did the right thing, bud.

[NickB79]

40. You are a stronger man than I

I wish you the best of luck. Hang in there man.

[BiggJawn]

55. You just saved your own life.

It's not your job to "save" her, and it's not your job to raise (and pay for) somebody else's baby.

You'll have one last thing left to do with her. If she has the baby, you get a paternity test to establish that it's not yours, otherwise you will be in for a very unpleasant surprise some years down the road.

[Discord]

62. You did the right thing.

And with any luck, maybe it might be the wakeup call she needs to snap out of it, but I wouldn't hold my breath. Sometimes people have to lose something dear to them before they realize what they had. Sometimes turning and walking away, even when done abruptly, can sometimes be the best thing for someone. They just might not realize it right away. Unfortunately, I had a recent reminder of all this, so I understand how difficult it can be.

[BikeWriter]

39. Heart aches and heart break. They don't call them users for nothing!

[Guaranteed]

41. I don't think you should cut yourself off completely from her.

She does need you. Just be her friend. But make it clear that you're not together anymore.

[BikeWriter]

45. Uh, she's a cheater and drug abuser. That's not the best sort of friend...

[Guaranteed]

46. That doesn't mean he doesn't care about her.

She could die. You don't just throw people out entirely when they're in need.

[BikeWriter]

47. That sounds wonderful, but... I've known several drug abusers...

One has stolen from most of us. His Mom told me recently she wished she'd let him do time in the pen years ago instead of continually bailing him out. Enabling a user helps no one.

[Guaranteed]

50. So have I. In fact, at one point

I was in nearly exactly the same situation as this guy is.

If you don't want them stealing from you, don't let them in your house. It's not about money, anyway. You just have to show them that people still care about them, and that if they continue using drugs, they're actually throwing something away.

[BikeWriter]

51. Being a friend or family of an abuser is tough. :-(

[Wonk]

44. Maybe her mom was lying? No evidence on that, of course...

but maybe she felt lying about that was good for some reason. Just maybe :shrug:

[Borgnine]

48. I'm sorry to hear that.

If it helps, I've been in a simliar spot. Not with the pregnancy thing, but with drug use and cheating. You did the right thing by getting away. I was stupid and I still have the girl in my life two years later. We're not involved anymore, but I was too dumb to severe ties completely. Whenever my phone rings and I see it's her, my stomach wretches.

[flvegan]

53. You might consider getting yourself tested, too.

STDs and drug abuse aren't uncommon bedfellows.

Sorry for your dilemma.

[katinmn]

54. This person could screw up your life in a big way

Taking on her problems (drug use, cheating and lying) will weigh you down and her problems will become YOUR problems and there will be nothing left for you.

You could be doing her a huge favor by walking away.

I wouldn't go near her until she gets counseling and cleans up her act, and maybe not even then.

[Bridget Burke]

56. Did you really not suspect any of this before talking to her mother?

You'd been her friend for a long time & dating for 7 months. Drug abuse & pregnancy aren't that easy to hide. Did her mother confirm some suspicions you already had?

The easiest thing for you to do is just walk away. Some here have counseled you to get tested for STD's, but that would only be necessary if you'd had unprotected relations with her--obviously not the case since that's one of the things you hold against her.

[ProfessorGAC]

57. Cut & Run!

I know others have said it. I know it's not going to be easy. I know you probably wanted different advice. This is a bad sign. The betrayal is sufficiently intense that it's unlikely she will change for you. If it's not about both of you, then it's just about her. If it's just about her, nothing will change.

Sorry this happened, Sean.
The Professor

[Pert_UK]

58. Mate, I think you've done the right thing.......

It's one thing to try to salvage a good and trusting relationship where one party has made a mistake.

What you have discovered is that the relationship you thought you had with her never actually existed. She has never been open and honest with you and has not earned the right to your forgiveness and help now.

However, as you were together a while and were friends before that, you'll have to decide whether you want to talk to her about why she behaved as she did, and then make decisions from there. You're certainly right to get out of the relationship straight away, but don't write her off as a person forever. But you can't ever forget this - I'm afraid if she's treated you this badly after being your friend for years, you will always have to be on your guard against her manipulating you for help / emotional comfort in the future.

On edit - you do need to find out the whole story, by the way.....Especially if there's any chance that her mum might be making this up.

[Deep13]

59. Get tested.

I haven't read all the posts, so that is probably a redundant suggestion.

Beyond that there is nothing you can do. She will either get help or not, but you cannot make her. She really ought to abort. There is no way she can take care of that kid and it may have its own problems because of the drugs.

Your own feelings are entirely normal. Except for the betrayal of trust, this really is not your problem.

[YellowRubberDuckie]

60. Sean, Run. Run as fast as you can.

Cheaters cheat and cheat again. Baby's not yours. Addiction's not yours. Like you said, you hate them with a passion. I concur. Please just walk away. Meth is one of the hardest drugs to kick, and it has lasting effects. It's one of the worst drugs on the planet.
I understand you caring for this girl, but you have gotta get the hell away from her. Think about this. You're standing on a chair. She's standing on the floor. Now try to pull her up, as she trying to pull you down. You will go down faster than you will pull her up. It's just a gravity thing. She will not help you if you stay. She will only cause you more problems. RUN. Now. You won't be sorry.
Duckie

[Discord]

61. agreed.

Your ONLY real choice in this is to walk away.

[radwriter0555]

63. This is a toxic relationship YOU have to walk away from and get out of

immediately.

And sadly, to legally protect yourself, keep a journal recounting your dates and activities up to now, when you're dumping her or putting her in rehab, so when she sues you for paternity, you have the precise dates recounted when you had sex.

The only nutty thing to do is to imagine you can have a healthy relationship with her. The slim chance of her quitting meth and getting an abortion aren't enough to redeem her as a person. She lied, cheated and acted of very, very low character. Her actions are those of someone (a) worthy of your love, and (b) of someone who loves you, in the manner you deserve.

NO offense, but check your choice of relationships. Look at yourself, and ask why you didn't see this coming in all these months. In fact, it wouldn't hurt you to get some professional counseling. It's odd to be this deceived. And I say that with hugs and love.

How awful... what a heart breaking turn of events. I'm so sorry. Doesn't it suck when the wool comes off and the truth becomes evident???? I'm so sorry.

[funkybutt]

64. In My Experience, NO meth user can be trusted

They are the craziest of the crazies. They lie constantly and can become violent. Their minds are moving so fast and they are always looking for a way to manipulate a situation.

I dont' really see how anyone could be around a meth user without knowing a.) that they were using meth or b.) that they were untreatably insane.

[Hobarticus]

65. Sean, I have been down that road...RUN

Tear your heart out because it'll betray you, this time. You can't trust love, emotions, nothing. Not now.

If there's one good thing that comes out of my experiences, it's to tell young men like you in the same shoes as I was to get the hell out, and don't look back. EVER.

[Brewman_Jax]

66. Do not ignore the signs

and the red flags and the alarms. You don't want to be in a bad situation and ask, "Gee, how did I get here?" That's like driving off of a cliff and remembering that you passed a series "Bridge Out" signs. There are rarely any surprises, just signs ignored.

As for advice, I can't add any more than what's been posted. What ever you decide, stay focused.

[Lydia Leftcoast]

68. Do NOT fall into the "knight in shining armor" trap

You cannot rescue her. She will bleed you (and anyone close to her) dry, and then go looking for other victims.

And above all, she will NOT be grateful for your help. She will NOT fall in love with you. She WILL use you until you have nothing left financially or emotionally and then go find some guy as messed up as she is to move in with.

I've seen it happen so many times.