SHIT, we just found out that a colleage died suddenly

[ffm172]

he was THE main person in the financal department. He had an operation and he died suddenly, nobody knows why. He was in his early 50s. SHIT!!!!!

[KitchenWitch]

1. Wow, sorry to hear that

[ffm172]

2. my boss just told us

we are in total shock. I didn't know him that well, but still. He was a very important part of the company

[Huckebein the Raven]

3. My condolences

:(

[ffm172]

4. thanks

it will take a while till we really realize it

[xmas74]

5. My goodness!

That has to be rough.

[ffm172]

6. it is

as I said, I didn't know that much, he was rather quiet but at parties he showed he dry humor that you always thought "Is that the same person??".
It feels strange at the moment

[xmas74]

7. It will be for a while.

[ffm172]

8. I know

it is just not believable. We still see him like he used to be.

[xmas74]

9. I would rather see someone as they used to be

when they were vibrant instead of what they may have become.

[ffm172]

10. true, so true

we keep working, but with a sick feeling in the stomach.

[xmas74]

11. I understand.

I have my grandfather's interment coming up in June and the thought of it makes me sick.

[ffm172]

12. Saturday is my dads birthday

he would have turned 59 this year.

[Rhiannon12866]

14. I am so sorry. I lost my Dad at 62, also far too young.

His birthday was in January. If he walked in the door, this instant, I wouldn't be surprised to see him. You have many kindred spirits here. I'm so glad you found us on DU.:-)

[ffm172]

22. thank you

I know how you feel. I dreamed of my dad the night before my birthday, very vivid dream. And I am sure I will dream of him around Saturday also. It feels like he says hello from wherever he is right now.

[Rhiannon12866]

38. You're welcome, but I'm not sure for what.

I am not surprised you dreamed of your Dad. I understand, since I often dream of mine, and he's just the same, as if he had never left. My Dad died on November 30th. His birthday was January 22nd. And on that day, some very strange things happened. They were probably just coincidence, but I'd like to think it was my Dad. In the middle of the night, the horn on my car just went off and would not stop. It could have been because of the cold temperatures, but it had never done that before, or since. And then the smoke alarm went off. But there was no smoke. But the strangest thing happened to my grandmother, his mother. She kept hearing music, but couldn't figure out where it was coming from. She finally found it, in a drawer in her dresser, coming from a music box that my father had given her, years ago. This had never happened before, either. It has been awhile since I lost my Dad, but I believe that he made his first birthday that he was gone, memorable. I'm sure that your Dad is also with you.:hug:

[xmas74]

15. It's going to be rough for you this Saturday, isn't it.

My grandfather passed away in January exactly one month before his 80th birthday. We had a simple service for him here and had him cremated. In June we are taking him back home to WI for his interment next to my grandmother. It will be a very big service. He was a air borne ranger in WWII and a Italian POW so he has a lot of extras added to his service. I don't know what will be worse-the gun salute, Taps or the Ranger Roll Call. It's really sad just to think about it.

[ffm172]

17. I am sorry

my belated condolences.
My mom has birthday on Wednesday, we will have dinner at her place on Saturday. I will go with my bf to the Lake Constance where my dads grave is, take care of it and then drive over to my mom. We definitely will think about him.

[xmas74]

18. That's the best thing that you can do.

Just think of the good times.
As to my grandfather-he cheated death quite a few times. This time, when they told him that he would never make it (he was on life support at the time), he chose to go. It was the way that he wanted it.

[ffm172]

20. that is a good way to go

and that he still could make the decision by himself. My one granddad had a stroke and was on life support and the doctors told my parents and my aunt that he is brain dead and that the minute they get someone else in who needs the machines they will cut him off. So they decided to let him go. Better my mom and my aunt decided. My dad was to afraid of the decision. It was his dad. With my dad, my brother and I made the decision to let him die in peace and not to do any life saving efforts like a stomach tube. We decided against chemo before that. My brother wasn't happy with the stomach tube decision in the beginning but I didn't want it at all. So my mom made me and my brother go to a doctor and get an advice and discuss it out (she didn't want any of us say later "if we had..."). So we went and he told us, we already made our decision when we decided against the chemo.

[xmas74]

23. he wasn't able to verbalize the decision

but when they asked him if he was ready he flopped his hand like he was saying goodbye. They would have kept him on life support indefinately, but he wouldn't have wanted that. He asked for a minister-twice-and that was it. It was time for him to go. He went really fast too, once they gave him the morphine and took out his tube.

[ffm172]

24. he had a long life

and you were around him when he died. I think that is the most important part. To be around the ones who go. It makes the goodbye a little bit easier. It did for me. It still hurt like crazy but it was a good feeling also to know they are relieved from their suffering.

[xmas74]

27. He did have a long life.

He grew up a farm boy in Central Wisconsin and went to University of Wisconsin-Madison to study agriculture. They say that he was a superb baseball player and that everyone expected him to go pro until the war broke out. He volunteered and then volunteered again for Ranger. He served on the African and European fronts. I know that he was taken POW in Italy-I think that it might have been at Anzio (he never would speak about it). I know that he had a Norwegian girlfriend too (maybe I have a half aunt or uncle out there that I don't know about). He received a few purple hearts and various other medals. From what I understand, he almost lost both of his feet d/t frostbite. When he was taken as a POW, he was transferred to a German hospital and they saved his feet from amputation. He came home, found a job (never finished college), got married and had five children, 15 grandchildren and 5 greatgrandchildren. So he really had a long life (though parts of it were painful-he never got over his war wounds).
He also had some rather liberal viewpoints on life and politics that we discussed about 2 weeks before he passed away.

[ffm172]

28. wow, what a long life

my grandfather who died of cancer (my moms dad) was under morphine the last months of his life. In his morphine dreams his war horrors came up again and he was scared. I think that whole generation had its war horrors, like the soldiers will have who are in the Iraq right now. My grandad was a radio operator in the war and was stationed in Stalingrad. He got out shortly before the got closed in there.
I just had a strange thought. Both our grandfathers were in WWII on different sides. And both my granddads had to serve. The one was in Russia, not quite sure about the other one. But I think East front also.

[xmas74]

29. That's really strange.

My grandfather was a radio operator in the Rangers. (not kidding. He was so proud of that. And he was even prouder when my brother had enlisted as a radio operator and when I became dispatcher-because of the radios).

[ffm172]

30. are we soulmates or anything?

that is really strange. I think my granddad was in France also. Not so 100% sure about that though. would have to ask my grandma about it.

[xmas74]

31. I don't know!

But it is rather odd. Oh, yeah-the woman that he married-her family was second generation American citizens from Germany. I'll pm you her maiden name.

[ffm172]

32. some of my family from my fathers side

moved to Canada after WWII. And from my mothers side also. And the cousin of my moms father is living here in Frankfurt. Never met her before. That reminds me, I need to call her again. Sometimes life goes strange ways.

[xmas74]

33. It does, doesn't it?

[ffm172]

34. yep

but aren't we all related one way or another. Just answered your pm

[xmas74]

35. Ok I'll check it.

[Rhiannon12866]

39. Wow! I'm so sorry! This also sounds very rough!

But you have so much to be proud of. I had, also, with my Dad, and did find that this made things easier, since people had such nice things to say about him. But, I know, it is never easy. Let us know how this goes. It sounds like a wonderful tribute to a genuine hero.:-)

[Rhiannon12866]

13. How awful, and scary, as well! I'm so sorry!!!

At my company, three people died in the course of a year. They were 36, 38 and 47. It scared the hell out of me. One had a history of cancer, one was anorexic and the other just died of a sudden, unexpected, heart attack. So I know, and this is bad news and makes you take a hard look at yourself. Learn what happened to this poor guy, and guard yourself against the same thing. You and your friends can learn from this. But, most important, support his family. They will need all they can get, right now, as did Cathy's and Judy's and Dick's families, my colleagues.;(

[ffm172]

16. he had no children

and I don't know his wife. He was 53 and died of an embolism after a operation. We keep finding out the things that happened.

[Rhiannon12866]

19. Oh, wow. How very sad.

You may not know his widow, but she is alone and will obviously welcome support and any nice stories about her husband, just now. Hell, I've been through this, and haven't always said the right thing. I had no idea that Judy had a brother, since she only mentioned her sisters. I blew it, there. And all these people, that I mentioned, had very young children. Your colleague may have been luckier, but his wife was not. Find out as much as you can and attend whatever they plan, armed with knowledge and sympathy. That's the best you can do, and it's served me, though this sort of thing is just the worst. Attend with other colleagues, for support, if you can.You have my sympathy, as well.:hug:

[ffm172]

21. I am sure there will be a condolence letter from the house

hopefully we will be all able to sign it, maybe it is going to be in the name of all. And I already made the decision to go to his funeral, if it is here in Frankfurt. I think a lot of us will go.

I was in my old job (at a college for seniors) when my dad died and they were very sweet and sent me a condolence letter. When some of them died I wrote letters to their families also. Doing exact that: Remembering the person how I met them, what impression they made on me.

[DemBones DemBones]

25. My mother taught me that it's nice to send a note a month or so after

the funeral, because everyone piles on the flowers and notes at the beginning but after a week or so people stop calling and that's when grief hits most people hardest.
Especially when a death is sudden, the survivors can be pretty numb going through the funeral.

I mean that you should send condolences at the time of a death, of course, but that it's especially nice to send thinking-of-you/ remembering-him notes later on.

Just a thought.

[ffm172]

26. that is really a nice thought.

this is something that is not very common.

[Rhiannon12866]

37. That is a lovely thought. Your mother is very kind and wise.

You are totally numb when there is is death in the family, especially if it is close and unexpected. And people do rally round, but then go back to their own lives. To know that someone is still thinking of you, after all that, would be a special, and much appreciated, tribute. Thanks.:-)

[Rhiannon12866]

36. That would be very nice, and something his wife would treasure.

If you can attend his funeral with your colleagues, that would probably make things easier. Here, it seems that most people I know are Catholic, and they have wakes. Those are the ones that I try to attend, since that is where you have the opportunity to express condolences to the family. Funerals are just mainly a formal church service.:shrug:

That was very nice of them when your Dad died. I also lost my Dad and people from my company that I would have never imagined attended his wake. They were extremely kind, sent flowers, and my friends brought dinners, a most old-fashioned, but appreciated, kind of support. Just do what feels right. But this kind of thing is always easier when you have the company of friends.:hug:

[ffm172]

40. Here in Germany the funeral is the time when you give the condolences

we have no wakes. Not at the Catholic, not at the protestant funerals.
And the funerals are not at churches. We have halls for the funeral at the cemetery.

Yes, I was very impressed of the condolences when my dad died. Because we put it in the paper also where he grew up (and where we lived till I was 7) I even got a letter by a mother of a former friend of mine. Sometimes it is amazing who shows the respect. On the other hand you get disappointed be people where you expect to hear from them.

[Rhiannon12866]

41. Thanks for explaining. I am always interested in the way we do things,

Alike or different. In the U.S., the wakes are the times we can express condolences, so I am more likely to attend them than funerals. Though, as I said, most people I know are Catholic, though many have been Protestant. And the traditions are the same. But it is always hard, so I know what you're facing.:-(

I am so glad that so many were kind when your Dad died. It was the same for me. So many from his company attended, which reinforced my feeling that he was very well-liked, but I also heard from so many friends who I had no expectations of, which meant a lot. I remember how much that meant, so try to be there for others. It is such a terrible time that you appreciate any condolences. I understand. I wasn't disappointed, so I try not to disappoint anyone.:shrug:

[ffm172]

42. I asked my boss today when the funeral is of our colleage

she said it is unknown so far because there has to be an autopsy (because he died at the hospital after an operation). I asked her about attending. She said, that our big boss is going to ask the family if it is welcome that the whole company will show up. If yes, we will all go. if no, we have to respect their wishes.

I remember at my dads funeral, old friends of his showed up. They came a long way. They were divorced and she was on vacation and came. my mom and I looked down the alley when they showed up (separetly) and asked us "Is this ....?" "WOW"
you are right, it felt good to see how my dad was liked. I still have all condolence letters sent to us. And I answered each of them.

[Rhiannon12866]

43. I think it would be wonderful if your entire company showed up.

That would be a tremendous show of support and would be something that his family would always remember. And it will make things so much easier for all of you to attend in the company of colleagues.:-)

When I lost my Dad, so many from my company showed up, and most of his, some from far away, which meant a great deal, especially since the weather couldn't have been worse. I don't think that I would have gone, if I didn't have to, since the driving was so bad. I still remember one friend of mine who was terribly apologetic, since she didn't make it, because she was in a bad auto accident on the way home. And, you're right, seeing and hearing from old friends is always the best. You tend to remember these kindnesses, which is the reason that I always try to make the effort. It sounds like you acquitted yourself very well and that your Dad must have been very proud. That was what I kept in mind when I lost my Dad..;(

[ffm172]

44. a colleague went around today and yesterday and everybody signed

the condolence letter. I am glad they decided to do it that way instead of the boss just writing in the name of all.

I hope my dad was proud of me, but I think he was. I had a very good relationship with him. I stayed with him after my parents separated and when he got sick visited him every day (he was in a hospital close to where I lived back then). It made some decisions easier for me when it was necessary

yes, one remembers the kindness shown. It helps a lot getting through that time.
How old were you when your dad died? I was 26.

[Rhiannon12866]

45. That was a very thoughtful idea, to let everybody sign, themselves.

I think it will mean more that way.:-)

I'm sure that your Dad was proud of you. It sounds like you took care of things when it counted. It does sound like you had a good relationship and that he taught you well.:-)

That was what I tried to do, as well, just make my Dad proud of me. His younger brother died before him, at only 47, and his daughter stood up and did a reading at his funeral. I was sitting with my Dad, and he was very impressed that she was able to do that. So I tried to do even more, for my Dad, and when the priest came to the house, to discuss the arrangements, he asked if anybody wanted to speak. So I volunteered and just got up, in front of a packed church, and spoke about my father. I thought he would like that. My grandmother, his mother, spoke, as well. Talk about heartbreaking.;(

I was over 30 when I lost my Dad. He was just over 60, but he was still very active, had a responsible job and is still badly missed. The fact that you were only 26 makes what you did all the more remarkable.:-)

[ffm172]

46. thank you

he was my dad. I did what I could. I cried like a baby when we finally found out what was going on and that he would die. I was very glad my mom was with that day. It was hard to see him mentally going down and him not being able to communicate anymore except with his eyes and hand, losing control over his body.
It must have been hard for your grandma to see two sons die before her. It is not right that the kids die before the parents

[Rhiannon12866]

48. Your Dad was very lucky to have you.

What did he die of? It sounds like it was very difficult for you. My Dad had cancer, but he beat it and it never dawned on me that he was going to die, so it was a real shock. The doctor told me that the cancer was gone, but it came back. I also tried to do whatever he asked of me, and you do what you can, but he was incredibly strong.:-(

As for my grandmother, she had it incredibly tough. My grandfather died, very suddenly, leaving her with four young children, a girl and three boys, who she had to raise by herself. She outlived my Dad, his younger brother, and her daughter. She was closest to my Dad, her oldest son, so I tried to be there for her, as she always was for me. I have since lost her, and miss her terribly. And I agree, nobody should have to face losing her children.;(

[ffm172]

49. he has a brain tumor

my dad died of a brain tumor. First time we noticed that something was wrong was around Eastern. He died in July. He was someone who brain person. He was a mathamatican and software developer. So it hit him where his "life" was.
That tumor took away his ability to talk, his motions (you had to force him to swallow), his body functions like sitting straight, things like that. But he noticed that people came to visit him and we had the feeling that he was saying goodbye to us. I just think of one moment that is really precious to me. It was a couple of days before he died. He were all around him and hi did some arm-pushing with him and he won! He smiled after that. It was heartbreaking and will be with me all the time. Gosh, I shouldn't have told that, it is choking me up now.

Your grandmother ... wow ... that is really tough what she went through. My grandma (his mother) is still not understanding how he could have died before her. The months after his dead she wanted to know about every minute of his life in his last months. I tried to answer as good as I could but at one point I told her to please stop it. She is a person who only sees the negative. It was like she wanted to wallow in her pain.

[Rhiannon12866]

50. I am so sorry. Your Dad sounds like a brilliant man.

This must have been very hard on you, let alone him. Wow. Thanks for sharing this. It can't have been easy. But it does sound as if he understood and said goodbye to people. And I am so glad that you had your moment. This is something to cherish. I also had one with my Dad. The night before he died, I got home late from work. I had stayed late because I had my CPR class. I stayed current with that for 12 years because my grandfather died of a heart attack, so I wanted to always be prepared. I didn't feel well, so I went to bed early. My Dad, who wasn't sleeping much, said goodnight and kissed me and just held my hand for a very long moment and looked at me. I know now that he was probably saying goodbye. I have never shared that with anyone, either.:hug:

As for your grandmother, I know that this must be rough, but you can't really blame her. She didn't sign on for this, just as mine didn't. And everybody reacts differently. I think that my Nana was older than yours, a generation that was much more used to death. She also lost her mother very young, when she was 13. And then she lost her husband. But losing her children has to have been the worst, if you can rank these things. My Nana wanted to know details, as well. I think it is natural. But I can understand your frustration with your grandmother. She has to understand that this is just as rough on you, and that she's not the only one affected by the loss of your Dad. I was fortunate in that my Nana was there for me, as I was there for her. I tried to be there for her, as my Dad had always been, but we had always been close.;(

[ffm172]

51. my grandma turns 85 this year

and lived through WWII. I think she had her shares. But you put the finger right on it. It was tough for me also.
Thanks for sharing your story also :hug:

Yes my dad was a brilliant man. My mom and I think that there was a reason that he had the tumor right there. He was considering leaving the company he worked for and start a similar one with another colleague. Since it was a very small company and his boss was also an old friend from university times it was a really hard decision for him. He was standing between the chairs. He felt like he betrayed his friend/boss but also knew it would be better for him to leave the company. This friend still doesn't know about that and we leave it that way. Then my dad was in a relationship that wasn't that good either. I didn't like that woman (it had nothing to do with jealousy). She gave me the feeling like she used my dad. It was a long distance relationship and he always went to her, she barely came to his place and some other things also.
So my mom and I think, that he was so confused with all, that his subconsciousness searched for a way to get out of this mess. I am not saying he asked for that but I really think it had something to do with it. Why else would he get the tumor right in the middle of his nerves center in the brain. Do you understand what I am trying to say?

[Rhiannon12866]

52. I completely understand and I thank you for sharing this with me.

It does sound like we had similar relationships with our fathers. I have a younger brother, but I was my Dad's firstborn, so he was always focused on me. My Dad was a tough taskmaster, always expecting only the best for me, but I am better from his influence, and my Nana's. My brother got away with murder, because my mother expected nothing from him.:shrug:

I am so sad that this happened to your Dad. What a brilliant man, who had so much to share with the world. And he had conflicting loyalties. My father was similar, in that he headed a large company, and butted heads with those that didn't understand what he was up against, in a rural area, but his employees loved and trusted him. Your Dad sounds more like my uncle, incredibly gifted with computers, but lost well before his time. I can see how your Dad was confused. With brilliant men, like this, personal relationships suffer. I understand, now, that my Dad just didn't have the energy left to oppose my mother regarding my brother. So he focused on me. Your Dad may have been looking for something, but his personal life wasn't his first priority. He had important things to do, but his time was cut short. I could be dead wrong, but I think this from what you've said. I just wish that you'd had him longer, so he could have worked this all out, with you and your mother, as he would have done with age, something both our Dads were deprived of, as was my uncle. It really sounds like your Dad was onto something.;(

[Rhiannon12866]

53. I can understand your frustration with your grandma.

I sometimes felt frustration with mine, and she was as cool as they come. I lost her five years ago and she was in her 90s. But age can take their toll on people. Just be glad that you still have a grandmother. I never thought I'd lose mine, but it finally did happen. And I do understand what you're trying to say. You think that what happened to your Dad was for a specific reason. I agree, since I believe everything happens for a reason, and I'm so sorry. But it's not your fault and you were there for him when it counted. I'm sure that your Dad was very grateful that he had you.:hug:

[ffm172]

57. I still have both grandmas

like you say, it will be a strange feeling once they are gone. Which I hope will be still years ahead.

And thank you for that conversation :hug: It means a lot to me.

[Rhiannon12866]

61. It means a lot to me, as well.

I lost my Polish grandmother, my Babci, many years ago. But I only lost my Nana, my father's mother, five years ago. She was the one I was close to and I still miss her everyday. You are lucky to have both of your grandmothers, but, I know, older people have their idiosyncrasies.:-)

[RFKHumphreyObama]

47. My sincere and heartfelt thoughts, prayers and condolences

To you, all his friends and his family. I'm so, so sorry for your loss

[MountainLaurel]

54. {{{ffm}}}

You have my condolences. Back in September, a similar thing happened at our workplace. One of our part-time librarians called in sick; in the mid-afternoon she called to let us know she was feeling so bad that she was going to go to the ER. The next morning, we heard that she had died. She had been having a heart attack, and died on the operating table due to uncontrolled bleeding. She was in her mid-50s, was in great shape, and had just returned from a 3-week trip to Italy.

MountainLaurel's public service announcement: Ladies, remember that the the signs of a heart attack are different for us. It might be as simple as a feeling of indigestion. Take care of yourselves!

[ffm172]

55. thank you very much

and hello from another librarian :hi:

the colleague was having an operation on his intestine, nothing really too serious because he was able to put it off for some days. It is a strange feeling to walk by his office and to know that he is dead. Still a somewhat awkward feeling

[steve2470]

56. So sorry to hear that. PM me if you want to talk nt

[ffm172]

59. thanks steve

but as I wrote in the thread I didn't really know him. But I hope we find out next when the funeral will be and I think the whole company will go.

And you can read my conversation with Rhiannon.

[Maestro]

58. Way to young

my thoughts and condolences.

[ffm172]

60. yes, way too young

it seems to me that more and more people die that young. And thank you