Dave and Paul

[LilKim]

DAVE

Paul, what's wrong with me?

PAUL

Well, you're sarcastic, you're abrupt with the guests; you
have the worst toupee in show business; you're jokes don't
make any sense; you're always getting Anton Figg's name wrong;
there's always a funny smell coming from your office; you
look terrible in tweed; you reek of Mexican aftershave; you
do not understand how fractions work; you run in the pool
area; you dot your i's with little hearts; you're obsessed
with the glamourous ladies of wrestling; you tend to stereotype
people of Turkish ancestry; you buy cut-rate salad dressing;
you take your National Parks for granted; it's mean the way
you scare the paperboy with a blank pistol; you cut in line
in the commissary; you cannot pull off the safari look;
sometimes you start screaming, "Ahoy there, maties" over and
over again for no apparent reason at all; you make the interns
lose to you during your karate sparring sessions; you hog
the remote control; you've thrown away your god-given talent
for dancing; you skimp on the mayonnaise; you're as dumb as
a post; you giggle whenever anyone mentions the penal code;
you used to really like Jethro Tull; you once pummeled Katharine
Hepburn --

DAVE

Wait a minute! She had that coming!

PAUL

Maybe so. You betrayed folk music when you went electric; you
bitch and moan about having to work one hour a day; and finally,
you insist on calling me Paul even though my name is actually
Frank. And one more thing: you seem to have no idea how to use
a telephone.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~



DAVE

Is something troubling you? Are you all right?

PAUL

To tell you the truth there are a couple of things.

DAVE

Like what?

PAUL

Well, it's awfully cold in here; I buy those Oreos for the
band and the musical guests.

DAVE

Okay, I won't eat them.

PAUL

Also, please stop asking us to play "We Built this City on
Rock'n'Roll"; Dave, you are not one of The BeeGees, so stop
telling people that you are; I do not mind the oath of
loyalty, but every day? I know it was you who vandalized my
lawn ornament.

DAVE

You can't prove anything!

PAUL

Your ears, David, look like some kind of toaster snack gone
wrong; I hate the stupid way you pronounce "chimbley" --
it's "chimney"; we're having trouble getting any store to
accept those "Dave-Dollars" that you pay us with; I get
tired of explaining to my mom that your jokes aren't
supposed to be funny; what is that aftershave you're
wearing, A-1 sauce? You are not a Cajun so drop that fake
Cajun accent; you waste hours in the supermarket because
you simply refuse to organize your coupons; you're homely
as a slab of peat moss; you say catty things about Liza;
frankly, your oil paintings are amateurish, and when Gary,
my favourite character on "thirtysomething" died, you just
laughed. Your obsession with the Oakridge Boys is
unhealthy; you had the Trivial Pursuit card that mentions
you framed; I'm sick of you shouting, "Them boys is tasty!"
after every french fry you eat; we've all seen your biceps
so enough already; there are no health reasons for you to
wear three-inch lifts in your shoes; Anton tells me you've
been touching him in the elevator again; that is not a
social club you belong to, it is a right-wing, paramilitary
group intent on overthrowing our government!

[Borgnine]

1. Now where's the Jay and Kevin thread?

Just kidding.

[Melynn]

2. A stupid question. Who are Dave and Paul?

They sound really funny.

[Bunny]

3. Letterman and Schaffer. n/t