Post your favorite jokes

[St. Jarvitude]

All of these are by Mitch Hedberg, the greatest standup comedian ever:



"On a stoplight, green means go and yellow means slow down... but on a banana, it is just the opposite. Yellow means go ahead, green means hold on, and red means where the fuck did you get that banana?"

"My friend asked me if I wanted a frozen banana. 'No,' I said, 'But I do want a regular banana later.. so.. yeah.'"

"I wonder what it would be like to have a lucky number like four billion and bet on it in Vegas. 'Come on, four billion! ...Fuck, seven.'"

"I got some tartar control toothpaste. I've still got tartar, but that shit's under control. If the tartar gets out of line I'm like, "C'mon man, you know the deal! Fall in! You crazy ass tartar.'"

"Imagine being killed by an arrow? That would suck, man. They would never solve the case. 'Hey, look at that dead guy... Let's go that way.'"

"In England Smokey the Bear is not the forest fire prevention representative. They have Smacky the Frog. It's just like a bear, but it's a frog. I think it's a better system, I think we should adopt it. Because bears can be mean, but frogs are always cool. Never has there been a frog hopping toward me, and I thought 'man, I'd better play dead. Here comes that frog...' You never say here comes that frog in a nervous manner. It's always optimistic. Hey here comes that frog, al-right. Maybe he'll come near me so I can pet him, and stick him in a mayonnaise jar, with a stick and a leaf, to recreate what he's used to. And I'm pretty sure I'd have to punch some holes in the lid, because he's damn sure used to air. Then I can observe him, and he won't be doing much in his 16 ounce world."


It's a lot funnier when he says them, I promise :P