FEBRUARY 7, 1994 - THE WORST DAY OF MY LIFE.

[NightTrain]

I had been trying for a few days to get my mother on the phone, but to no avail. So when I got to my office job that Monday morning, I called her social worker (my mother was mentally ill) to see if she could find out what was going on.

An hour later, the social worker called me back and advised me that my mother was dead. Not only that, but she had been dead for several days and her body had decomposed. On the advice of both the funeral director and the medical examiner, I did not view my mother's remains. Instead, I had her cremated.

The following weekend, I went to my mother's apartment to clean it out. Though it was the middle of winter and the windows had been open for almost a week, I could still smell the stench of death in that apartment. And being an only child, I got to clean out my mother's place all by myself. (If you're wondering about my father, he and my mother were divorced, and he had since retired to Nevada.)

My mother did not deserve such an undignified death. She was a decent, kind-hearted woman even though her mental illness made it extremely difficult to have her around at times. If I had only checked in on her several days earlier, my mother still might have been dead, but her body might still have been in good enough condition to have a wake. But no. I was too goddamned busy leading my busy life to worry about my mother until she had been dead for a fucking week!

Here it is, eleven years later, and I still feel guilty. A therapist once told me to simply admit that I had made a mistake and get on with my life. Christ knows I've tried, but so far it hasn't worked.

Oh, well. Nobody ever told me that life was going to be simple. Now if you'll excuse me, I need to go dry my eyes.

[GreenPartyVoter]

1. I am so sorry. *hugs*

[mike_c]

2. ahh, sorry, 'bro....

You know you'll have to make peace with yourself eventually. Best of luck.

xoxo
mike_c

[mzmolly]

3. Oh Night Train, I am so very sorry!

My mother is mentally ill as well, my heart goes out to you.

[bloom]

4. I'm sorry too.

(((hug)))

[SHRED]

5. Hugs for you...

:hug: :grouphug: :hug: :grouphug:

[Fenris]

6. Sorry man

That's a horrible story. But you shouldn't blame yourself.

[tk2kewl]

7. I am sorry for your loss

Your mom looks and sounds like she was a wonderful person. I think your therapist gave you bad advice. Why was it a mistake on your part that you hadn't called a few days earlier? You were taking care of yourself, and you were doing your part checking in on your mom. The fact that you didn't call on the right day is more of an unfortunate accident than a mistake, I think.

[flamingyouth]

8. I'm very sorry

That's such a sad story. It wasn't your fault. :hug:

[BelleCarolinaPeridot]

9. (((((((((( Night Train ))))))))))

[blue neen]

10. I am truly sorry.

It's hard to have proper closure when you weren't able to have a wake. It's not your fault; we all get caught up in living our lives and sometimes don't pay attention to all the things that we should. You're no different than anyone else that way.

I'm sure your mom knew that you loved her. I wish that there was something I could say to ease your pain.

[koneko]

11. Oh God, I am so sorry for your loss

I lost my father when I was very young, and nothing can take away the pain of a loss of a parent.

You're in my thoughts & prayers. :hug:

[Lady Effingbroke]

12. I am so sorry, NightTrain.

(((((((((((:hug: ))))))))))

[mikita]

13. Dear NightTrain...I am so sorry..

I believe many people carry around guilt about things they should have done for those who have died. All I can think for you is that if your Mom were Alive and Well, she would not want you to torture yourself year after year, and she would tell you so.

Peace to you tonight. :hug:

[BikeWriter]

14. As my first wife said before walking out the door...

..."Life's a bitch, and then you die." I have a rough time turning loose of depressing things, too, which is why my last wife left. Please, please try to be happy with who and what you are. I'll bet there are a number of people who care for you. (((((NightTrain)))))

[seabeyond]

15. dec 26, 1997

i tried getting a hold of my mother at work and she wasnt there. later my father came over to tell me my mother had died. he said it was a brain hemmorage. i knew better. my father in spring was caught cheating on her for 2 and a half year and after 44 years they were seperated. she didnt handle it well. the fall she had been talking suicide, gave me her diamond ring, i gave birth to a baby, had a two year old in a new marriage. another brother was divorcing a wife with three little ones and he in drunken violent rage. another brother was in a middle of a custody fight for his 5 year old daughter.

i knew my mom was suicidal. i had talked to her after thanksgiving and told her to just hold on to after christmas. we would pack her up and move her back to calif where she loved, where she could heal, away from all the mess of the family. lets just get thru now. i would leave husband behind, take my babies and live with her for a month or two, until she settled.

she didnt make it

i was too busy in life for her too

she was a terrific woman, and gave all of us so much

i dont feel guilty. i initially sat thru her last nite, i knew i should have had her stay at our place and not go home by herself. we thought she was ok. but i have sat with her in her last nite walking down the stairs to sit in that garage all alone, and die.

for whatever reason, i believe it was her time to go. she was done. this leaving, was her way to go. it was a way that effected all of us, and has played out in each of our lives. it has been a huge lesson and spiritual event in my life. it has brought so much awareness in my life. and always

i honor this woman. i always feel her with me, her love and her memory

dont feel guilty. my mom knew how i loved her. there was no more i could have told her. she knew

your mom is fine now. no more mental illness. she is in a good place. she is ok. you are the one that is not. and that is just wrong. it lessens your mom, if you become less because of her death. honor your moms life, and all she gave you, embrace and glorify that,............

wish you the best on this journey

[sandnsea]

16. Sucks being human

Really does.

I'm sorry for your loss. I lost my mom 5 years ago. My birth mother died when I was 1. It gets easier, but I've never stopped missing either one of them.

[shesemsmom]

17. Oh I'm so sorry

I understand. The same thing happened to My Grandpa. A bit different circumstance. Although he lived miles and hours away I visited him a few times after he drove the entire family away drinking. Including all his kids wife, and grandchildren. He was found Dec. 7th 1977 after he had laid in his house more than a week. The mailman became suspicious after he noticed that the mail wasn't picked up and his truck hadn't been moved. We all felt awful and it bothers me yet today. There were no local relatives and they had to search his house til they found a number to call. Please understand that you are not entirely at fault. I do understand. Also you said you had tried to call for many days. You are not to blame That is more than we did

[Southsideirish]

18. Mine was December 10, 1983.

'Found our by dear mom (we were like sisters) had terminal cancer - 3 weeks to live - she lived 6. And she just went in for a hernia operation.
I still haven't gotten over it. When I come home from a trip I want to run to the phone and talk to her - even after all this time.
I never felt I helped her enough at the end - have much guilt over this but my heart was broken and I was in shock.
Excuses!

[SCRUBDASHRUB]

19. Nightrain, I'm so sorry.

:hug:

[yardwork]

20. I'm sad for you, Night Train

I sometimes let weeks go by before I contact my mom, and she is 70, with health problems, and lives alone. It would irritate her if I called all the time!

It sounds like you did a good job balancing your mother's needs with her desire to live an independent life.

We are not perfect. We are imperfect animals. It sounds like you carry a lot of guilt and sadness about the way your mother's death happened.

I hope that you find peace.

[Blue Diadem]

21. Nighttrain, something that was said to me

because I also carried alot of guilt over deaths, feeling I didn't do enough. My therapist asked why I thought I possessed such power or such insight to know or to change what would happen. She was right.

She explained that children who grow up with ill siblings or ill parents often are way too hard on themselves. That it's really ok to accept that we are just human and can't possibly know all and be all to those that need us.

Nighttrain, I'm so sorry you had to go through that. I'm so sorry that your Mom didn't get the kind of wake that she deserved. She was a beautiful lady.

Honor her love for you and don't punish yourself anymore.


:hug:

[Rowdyboy]

22. I was in New Orleans when my mom died...Decadence Days, 1999...

When my partner and I checked into the hotel on the Friday before Labor Day, the desk told me to call my sister. She gave me the news about mom. I wandered around the Quarter for 48 hours before we left for the funeral. Everything is a blur from Friday to Tuesday but, in the end, my mom is at rest.

Like your mother, my mom deserved far better than she got out of life, but thats the case with many people. My father was a jackass who abandoned my mom twice. I'll spare you the details, but we have similar backgrounds.

[progmom]

23. I'm sorry sweetie

:hug:

Don't blame yourself. I am certain you were a wonderful son.

[NightTrain]

24. Truth be told, I wasn't a wonderful son.

But that's a whole other set of guilty feelings. :cry:

[progmom]

25. well you're a good friend

...if that's any consolation.


:hug: :hug: :yourock: :hug: :hug: :yourock: :hug: :hug: :yourock: :hug: :hug: :yourock: :hug: :hug: :yourock: :hug: :hug: :yourock: :hug: :hug: :yourock: :hug: :hug: :yourock: :hug: :hug: :yourock: :hug: :hug: :yourock: :hug: :hug: :yourock: :hug: :hug: :yourock: :hug: :hug: :yourock: :hug: :hug: :yourock: :hug: :hug: :yourock: :hug: :hug: :yourock: :hug: :hug:

[NightTrain]

26. I've changed a lot in the past 11 years, mostly for the better.

[AwakeAtLast]

27. Oh, NT, I feel so badly for you!

You say that you were not a wonderful son, but being a mother, I have a pretty good idea that your mother thought you were great no matter what.

If those feelings still get the better of you, do something for someone else that would have made your mother happy. Only you know what that would be. Honoring her makes you a truly wonderful son!

:hug: :hug: :hug:

[redqueen]

35. Damn straight!

It doesn't matter what you did or didn't do, NT... a mother's love is forever.

[madison2000]

28. Night Train that is so sad

and it would be hard to get over. An uncle of mine died alone in a similar manner and it does make one feel like this is just not the way it should be for anyone.
Forgive yourself. You loved her, and if you had known you would have been there.

[GoddessOfGuinness]

29. NightTrain...

I really don't think you should be shouldering this burden of guilt. You could only look in on her so often...That happens to a lot of us. There's nothing to be ashamed of.

I'm so sorry for your loss... :hug:

[NightTrain]

30. THANKS, Y'ALL!

I very much appreciated your words of support. Each year, it hurts less when my mom's death anniversary comes around, but I still have a way to go yet. :cry:

[ScreamingMeemie]

31. NightTrain, I don't think we ever forget...but the burden becomes easier.

Hugs and kisses. You're in my thoughts. :hug: Laura

[bigwillq]

32. NightTrain-I am so sorry for your loss.

Please don't blame yourself but learn from this awaful experience.

I hope you can learn to relax and to not get too busy with your life. Make the time to be close with friends and loved ones.

BTW, I'm guessing that is a pic of your mom at the end of your post.
What a beautiful woman!:hug:

[Padraig18]

33. I'm so sorry.

:hug:

[redqueen]

34. Oh, NT... I'm so sorry...

I wish I could give you a big ole hug right now.

:hug:

[mahina]

36. Right there with you...

If I had called my Dad and visited like I wanted to and often did, instead of going in to work early to help someone who quit THAT DAY, he would still be alive. He needed my car and didn't call me.
The worst day of my life, April 21 2001.

[CatBoreal]

37. I'm so sorry. That must be so hard for you...

Take from this experience a lesson and apply it to your own life. That's the best way to honour your mother and her memory.

Bright Blessings.

[Lady Freedom]

38. sooooo sorry

[medeak]

39. what a beautiful tribute

you gave your Mom

[NC_Nurse]

40. This story could easily be mine someday...

I have several family members who are partially incompetent at this point and it's hard to say when that may change for the worse.

I still feel that I have a right to my own life and I do what I can for them when I can. I have plenty of things to deal with as it is and sometimes you have to let people do what they do.

That said, I'm really sorry for what happened to your mom and that you have carried that around for so long. I have three almost grown children myself and I would NEVER want them to put their lives on hold for me. If something like this happened to me, I wouldn't want them to feel guilty or blame themselves in any way. I'm sure your mom would feel the same. Children are not responsible for saving their parents. They can't.

I'm sorry you've had to go through this...:hug:

[SheWhoMustBeObeyed]

41. My mother passed on February 7, 2000

after a nine-month struggle with cancer.



sigh.



Sorry, NightTrain. :hug:

[skygazer]

42. Night Train, I am so sorry

This was NOT your fault, in any way, shape or form. I know my saying that isn't going to alleviate your guilt (I carry enough unwarranted guilt around to sink a battleship so I understand that tendency) but you need to hear it from others. You had no way of knowing that this would happen - your calling earlier would not have left you feeling less guilty. You would simply feel guilty about something else - not calling early enough to prevent her death or not being there or something.

My mom died when I was 14 - I was her youngest, the baby. I carry horrible guilt around for a number of things that I am convinced I did that hurt her - it's not rational but it's the nature of things. I am sure your mother is at peace, and I hope you can find a measure of peace yourself. :hug: :hug: :hug:

[Bunny]

43. Oh gosh, that is sad.

So sorry you had to go through that. Please don't beat yourself up anymore - we all have to live out our destiny, whatever that may be. I hope you can come to terms with this - you deserve some peace.

[ignatius 2]

44. My mom was paranoid schzophrenic, was a wonderful woman but a very

difficult person to live with. She was kind, sweet and gentle most times, but when her meds were off, look out. She died at the age of 62 from lung cancer. Blessedly, she went quickly without much physical pain.

Don't feel guilty. It does you no good but only creates more stress, your mom would not want that for you. Remember the good times, learn from the bad ones and get on with living your life and being the kind of person your mom would be proud of.

Cyber hugs to you.

Peace,ig

[Lisa]

45. I'm an only child too ...

I know that 2 or 3 weeks sometimes go by without my phoning my parents (who live on the other side of the country). (Sometimes I call them and they aren't around, because they too have their own lives to lead, now that I've grown up and have left home.) This may explain why I don't believe that you did anything that particularly deserves guilt feelings, at this stage. Perhaps if your mom had been physically ill and a doctor had advised daily checking-in, or she had been trying to reach you herself for many days, or her social worker had become concerned about a potential problem and you told her not to worry -- but it sounds to me like you did everything right, given the situation. I think you were more attentive and loyal to your mom than a lot of people I know, including ones with siblings!

Logically (though I know that how one feels about family depends just as much, even more, on things other than logic) -- what happened was an unfortunate coincidence. If you'd had a system where you called or visited your mom every week (more often than many people with aged parents do), and she passed away immediately after that, it would also have been several days before she was found. The same, if you'd been out of town travelling for 2 weeks -- and nobody would seriously think that it was irresponsible or selfish to be away for only a fortnight, if your mom was accustomed to living on her own (plus there was a social worker available in case of emergencies).

For what it's worth, I think you're a fine person and it was not a "mistake" on your part.

[Pithlet]

46. Oh, I'm so sorry.

What a horrible thing to go through. I hope this day passes very quickly for you. :hug: