Personal Question for Duers

[Hosnon]

I have come to rely on the opinion of my like-minded friends from across the country on personal matters.

I've met a girl (20) who has a child. I'm 22. She's going to school to be a nurse, I'm in law school. So far I like her but haven't had much interaction yet.

Thoughts on a) reasonableness in pursuing this, b) how to respond to the situation.

Just a bit apprehensive as I have never been in such a situation.

Thanks.

[samwisefoxburr]

1. I don't have any experience in this situation but...

...the first thing you should ask is "Do I really want to support a child?" You should make absolutely sure about this before you give her hints that you like her.

[Hosnon]

2. Yeah I haven't given it an incredible amount of thought. However,

my dad did it with my mom's first son.

But nothing is wrong with just dating with a son...don't need to think too far ahead (although it does always need to be a consideration) yes?

[samwisefoxburr]

6. No, there is absolutely nothing wrong with it...

...but if you start to get serious but then realize that you really don't want a child yet, then you end up hurting her. Although, she might not be of the mind set where she will go out with someone in hopes of them helping her raise her child, but some women are like that.

[eternalburn]

3. Just keep in mind....

....they are a package deal.

Some are up for the experience, others not so much. Just remember if things don't work out it is not a simple break up when a child is involved.

Take it slow, be friends, see where it goes :)

[gtp1976]

25. package deal

Absolutely true. When I was 20 I dated a girl that had the most well behaved cutest little 2 yr old girl I had ever seen (at the time). Turns out the mom was trash but I didn't find that out until about 6 months in to the relationship. It absolutely ripped my guts out to never see that child again. I was over the girl in a week or two but leaving the kid was rough.

[CarbonDate]

28. Yeah, you pretty much fleshed out....

...why I'm not going to date a single mom for a long time. I moved past her real quick-like, but I'm still not quite "over" the kids; still love 'em to death.

[bettyellen]

4. .... just do not give her hope or excuse

to believe you are up for co-parenting. be agressively honest about it.crystal clear!! because in med school, you cannot handle it. so don't allow her to get that idea at all, no hopes right nowf or that- and honey- maybe she just wants to get through school and have a good tme and not get sidetracked by a man! it could work. . if you are clear on that issue, go have fun guys! whatever you'all want to do then.
ok? just no bullshit, she has one kid already.

[GRLMGC]

5. Well

I was the child of a single mother who dated. As long as you're comfortable around children and understand that her son comes first, then you should be okay if you really wanna pursue this.

[Hosnon]

7. Yea...I understand. My sister was almost a single mom but she

had a miscarriage. I'm afraid that some primal male crap is making me want to take care of someone in such a situation - don't want something like that to cloud my judgment.

[GRLMGC]

8. No

You might get too in over your head. My friend's stepfather resents her because he took on such a responsibility.

[Hosnon]

9. Ah...hmmm. Thanks - just type of info I'm lookin for:) eom

[GRLMGC]

10. That's good

I wouldn't want you to get into a bad situation.

[Hosnon]

11. I've really just met her and am interested in hearing the story

of her life. So far it seems interesting (she graduated from h.s. at 16) and has a kid already...my life seems mind-numbingly vanilla to hers:)

[GRLMGC]

12. Get to know her

Who knows, it may turn out to be nothing. No reason you shouldn't make a new friend :)

[Hosnon]

13. Good Idea - I am bad at following a situation to its likely conclusion,

which often times leaves out the conclusion that occurs. I think I'll sit back and get to know here and enjoy the new experience.

But how do I interact with the child?

[GRLMGC]

14. haha

I couldn't say. Every child is different and it'll be on his terms. He might be easy to get along with. You'll just have to assess the situation as time goes on.

[Hosnon]

15. His age might help - 15 months eom

[tjdee]

16. You probably won't see the child much, if at all.

I'm a single mother, and I don't think she'll be looking for you to hang out with her child all the time.

As it gets more serious, that may change.

If you end up just friends, treat the kid like a little brother/cousin/rugrat. Don't approach it as if you're interviewing him/her for the job of your child, LOL.

[Hosnon]

17. That's true - do you think (as a single mom) that she views

her child as a negative when dating men? She did say after about 30 minutes of talking to her that she had a kid and would understand if I left because that is the point that most guys do.

Is it likely that I won't see the child for a long time (few months)?

[tjdee]

20. YES. And also, YES.

I always joke that a good way to get a man to leave me alone is to tell him about my five year old.

I'd imagine that you may see the child when you pick her up (if you do go to her apt./house/whatever), but that's it. Eventually she may ask if you want to go to the playground or something, but I don't think that will happen for awhile, particularly because she seems to already be sensitive about men not digging the kid thing.

[Hosnon]

22. She lives with her mom and stepdad...how will that factor into things?

[tjdee]

24. Wow, she sounds like me a few years ago...

Cept I wasn't in nursing school...

Anyway, at that time my mom was an easy babysitter--so your friend may be able to get out a bit more than someone who has to pay a babysitter or make arrangements.

That's the only factor I see....

[tjdee]

18. Respond to it as if you were interested in the girl, geez!

You're young, LOL, but one thing that gets my goat a bit as a single mom is when men go into it like you do....ohhhhhh she has a kidddddddd....it's understandable, but it's hard for single mothers who want to date.

Right now, the consideration shouldn't be that she's a mother. It should be whether you like her as a person.

If you get more involved with her (i.e. become her boyfriend), then you are going to have to deal with things like...she probably won't be out at the bar until 2 in the morning. She's not going to sleep at your place often (if at all). Etc.

[Hosnon]

19. Yea I can see your point but I'm sure you can see the point

of young men who don't usually date single moms. Its a new experience and I for one am quite unsure how to approach the situation.

So you think I should, for all practical purposes, behave with her as if she does not have a kid?

[tjdee]

21. Yes and no.

One of my male best friends NEVER asks about my kid, which I don't like, because the kid is a part of my life.

And actually, the quickest way to endear yourself to a single mom (IMO) is to show (a bit of) interest in her kid. Just a passing "how's X today" is enough.

But as all mothers, single moms like to feel like they are women apart from their mommy role. If you engage her as you would another single girl, that would be appreciated too.

Did I answer that?

I completely understand the newness of this situation, I hope I didn't come off as snarky. :)

[Floogeldy]

23. Wait until you graduate law school

[nothingshocksmeanymore]

26. well more importantly..do you like kids? Like being around them?

Can you deal with the fact that you may plan a date, or buy tickets for an event but the kid might be sick and she would have to cancel? I read above that she lives with her folks but when kids get sick, they want their mommies.

The first thing you'll have to accept is that most likely you won't be number 1..you will be number 2...if you can accept that and deal with it then great

[hyphenate]

27. It's up to you in the end

The first and foremost consideration is whether you can find time in your life to have an "instant" family in your life. If you can accept that, the woman will want to make sure you and her child get along well. Most mothers will always keep the child in their minds when they consider dating someone. It's never going to be just "you and she" when plans are made--she's going to rely on her current squeeze to make sure that some of the activities include the child in a natural way. Of course, there will be times when she can have someone babysit for her, when you want to have a more intimate relationship, but don't count on a whole heckuva lot of intimacy on a spontaneous basis.

Once that obstacle has been taken care of one way or another, your next consideration is going to be to understand that she's likely to be more mature in a lot of ways than your ordinary date, because she has other human being to take into consideration regardless of other plans or preferences.

You're also going to have to realize you're not going to be #1 in her life--at least not for a long time. Her child is always going to be in that position. And another consideration is the father of the child, and whether he is a presence or not. Because even if he isn't, his parents probably haven't vacated the grandparent role, and will always have some impact on your relationship in one way or another.

The best thing is, though, chances of success are better because it's likely that since she's got a kid, she's not that anxious to rush into having more children right away. So it will be a more leisurely dating process for awhile.