When gay couples argue

[mondo joe]

Per the Gottman Institute (http://www.gottman.com/marriage/gaylesbian/):

"Gay and lesbian couples, like straight couples, deal with every day ups-and-downs of close relationships," Dr. Gottman observes. "We know that these ups-and-downs may occur in a social context of isolation from family, workplace prejudice, and other social barriers that are unique to gay and lesbian couples." The research uncovered differences, however, that suggest that workshops tailored to gay and lesbian couples can have a strong impact on relationships.

What have they learned? Results from the Gottman gay/lesbian couples study
Unique emotional qualities of same-sex couples: strengths partners can capitalize on

* Gay/lesbian couples are more upbeat in the face of conflict. Compared to straight couples, gay and lesbian couples use more affection and humor when they bring up a disagreement, and partners are more positive in how they receive it. Gay and lesbian couples are also more likely to remain positive after a disagreement. "When it comes to emotions, we think these couples may operate with very different principles than straight couples. Straight couples may have a lot to learn from gay and lesbian relationships," explains Gottman.

* Gay/lesbian couples use fewer controlling, hostile emotional tactics. Gottman and Levenson also discovered that gay and lesbian partners display less belligerence, domineering and fear with each other than straight couples do. "The difference on these ‘control’ related emotions suggests that fairness and power-sharing between the partners is more important and more common in gay and lesbian relationships than in straight ones," Gottman explained.

* In a fight, gay and lesbian couples take it less personally. In straight couples, it is easier to hurt a partner with a negative comment than to make one’s partner feel good with a positive comment. This appears to be reversed in gay and lesbian couples. Gay and lesbian partners’ positive comments have more impact on feeling good, while their negative comments are less likely to produce hurt feelings. "This trend suggests that gay and lesbian partners have a tendency to accept some degree of negativity without taking it personally," observes Gottman.

* Unhappy gay and lesbian couples tend to show low levels of "physiological arousal." This is just the reverse for straight couples. For straights, physiological arousal signifies ongoing aggravation. The ongoing aroused state—including elevated heart rate, sweaty palms, and jitteriness—means partners have trouble calming down in the face of conflict. For gay and lesbian couples this lower level of arousal shows that they are able to soothe one another.

Ya think??

[UncleSepp]

1. Read a really great book about gay and lesbian marriages

I'll post the title when I get home, if I don't forget. It had stories in it from couples who had been together from a few years to forty years or more. What I found interesting was that the division of duties and responsibilities in the marriage generally was according to who liked what or who was good at what (or who hated something like dishes the least, or who was less bad at cooking or counseling or whatever). There were description there too about arguing and making up, covering the whole ground. It was like a big light bulb going on in my head - I realized that my marriage with my husband is more accurately described by the depictions there of gay marriages than by straight ones.

This shouldn't have been as much of a surprise as it was, since I tend to think, act, walk, etc. more like a man than a woman. (I don't think this is just a social role issue or 'being butch', either.) I guess the surprising part was how easily my husband adapted, and how so many of the things he likes the most about our relationship are those which are more like a relationship between men and less like a relationship between a man and a woman. I guess it goes to show that there is someone for everyone, and that the gender in the heart trumps the gender in the pants every time :-)

[mondo joe]

2. In my living experiment on gay, lesbian and hetero marriages...

I have something of a communal living situation with two other households - we have separate houses that are connected by a common yard space and our family ties to each other.

One household is a lesbian couple.

One is a gay male couple.

One is a hetero couple.

And over the last few years I've see the dynamics play out exactly as described in this study.