Funniest Movie Lines Ever

[PragMantisT]

Here are two of my favorites.

From "Blazing Saddles"

Bart: "Well, can't you see that's the last act of a desperate man?"
Howard Johnson: "We don't care of it's the first act of Henry the Fifth. We're leaving."

From "Ghostbusters"

Dr. Peter Venkman: "If I'm wrong, nothing happens! We go to jail. Peacefully, quietly. We'll enjoy it. But if I'm right...and we can stop this thing...Lenny...you will have saved the lives...of millions of registered voters."

What are your favorites?

[gumby]

1. From Robocop(s)

They can fix you, they can fix anything.

Who cares if it works, we got the government contract.

[jmowreader]

50. The best Robocop line

"Sal, I don't think I want to pay that."

'I don't give a shit what you want to pay. I set the prices here."

[xray s]

2. "You can't fight in here! This is the War Room!"

Dr Strangelove

[HysteryDiagnosis]

3. If you're going to be stupid

you've got to be tough...


Sean Connery, The Untouchables

[PragMantisT]

5. that one is right up there

Strangelove has a lot of great lines.

[Lovecrafty]

4. "Well why don't you put her in charge!" - Hudson from "ALIENS"

[Dude_CalmDown]

7. You want a toe?

"You want a toe? I can get you a toe, believe me. There are ways, Dude. You don't wanna know about it, believe me." - Walter Sobchak - Big Lebowski

"What is this "day of rest" shit? What is this bullshit, man? I don't fucking care! It don't matter to Jesus! But you're not fooling me! You might fool the fucks in the league office, but you don't fool Jesus! It's bush league psych-out stuff! Laughable, man! I would've fucked you in the ass Saturday, I'll fuck you in the ass next Wednesday instead!" - Jesus Quintana - Big Lebowski

"Let me explain something to you. Um, I am not Mr. Lebowski. You're Mr. Lebowski. I'm the Dude. So that's what you call me. You know, that or uh, His Dudeness, or uh, Duder, or El Duderino if you're not into the whole brevity thing." - The Dude - Big Lebowski

On Edit - Sorry - didn't mean to reply to you specifically in case you've spent the last 30 seconds wondering how the quotes I've posted pertain in any way shape or form to what you've posted.

[skygazer]

21. One of my favorite movies

and the rug really did tie the room together.

[blockhead]

6. Strange Brew

" I'd kiss you if I didn't have puke breath"

[Sporadicus]

8. 'Fat, drunk & stupid is no way to go through life, son.'

Dean Wurmer to Flounder, 'Animal House'

On edit: I also like, 'Get Niedermeyer on it; he's a sneaky little shit, just like you.' -Wurmer to Greg Marmalard

I also found this little gem of a webpage while looking for exact quotations:

http://www.2blowhards.com/archives/000861.html

'The Politics of Animal House'

I've bookmarked it for reading later.

[TlalocW]

9. I always liked a lot from Three Amigos

With Steve Martin, Chevy Chase, and Martin Short.

The Three Amigos who have been mistaken for actual heros and brought to Santo Poco, Mexico, to fight a gang of banditos who terrorize the town - they think they're just there for an acting gig. The night they arrive, they're eating in one of the townspeople's homes, and Chevy Chase is having trouble with putting his meat into a tortilla:
Old woman: We are proud to have the Three Amigos in our home!
Chevy: Do you have anything other than Mexican food?

The Mexican Bandito boss, El Guapo, is talking with his second-in-command about his upcoming birthday party about how there have been many pinatas delivered just for him.

El Guapo: Would you say I have a... plethora of pinatas?
Jefe: (Pauses) Oh, si... You have a plethora.

Then it disengrates into El Guapo chastising Jefe for saying he had a plethora when he didn't know what it was.

Steve Martin's character has been captured by the banditos. "I have 3 demands! First, you stop harrassing the innocent people of Santo Poco! Second, that all the lands of Mexico be redistributed equally amongst the people and a proportional system of government be established consisting of three separate but equal branches - the judicial, the legislative, and the executive! And three, that the girl, Carmen, be returned to me unharmed!"

During El Guapo's birthday party dinner, Jefe presents El Guapo with his present.
Jefe: El Guapo... I, Jefe... and the boys (shot of the banditos all looking down at the ground and kickng rocks embarrassed) all went in on a gift for you.
El Guapo: (Turns to two Germans who are supplying him with guns) What can you say about such men, eh? (Opens his present and delightedly exclaims) A sweater! It's a sweater!
(The banditos' hideout is a former monastery in the deserts of Northern Mexico)

Steve Martin gets the drop on the banditos:
"Hold it right there, El Guapo, or I'll fill you so full of lead that you'll be using your dick as a pencil!"
El Guapo: What do you mean?
Martin: I have no idea!

TlalocW

[Lancer]

10. Can't choose just one

line from Some Like it Hot, but the entire upper berth scene with Jack Lemmon and MM is HILARIOUS. Loaded with double entendres, perfect timing. Love it love it.

[Lovecrafty]

11. From Fear and Loathing in Las Vegas

"There he goes. One of God's own prototypes. Some kind of high powered mutant never even considered for mass production. Too weird to live, and too rare to die."

"Few people understand the psychology of dealing with a highway traffic cop. Your normal speeder will panic and immediately pull over to the side. This is wrong. It arouses contempt in the cop-heart. Make the bastard chase you. He will follow."

"As your attorney, I advise you to take a hit out of the little brown flask in my shaving kit."

"As your attorney, I advise you to rent a very fast car with no top. And you'll need the cocaine. Tape recorder for special messages. Acapulco shirts. Get the hell out of L.A. for at least 48 hours."

[Downtown Hound]

16. And my personal favorite

"We can't stop here! This is bat country!"

[Quixote1818]

12. You can't fight in here, this is the War Room!

Dr. Strange Love

[Quixote1818]

13. Woops, someone already posted that one. Sorry

[Quixote1818]

14. Bingo! From Naked Gun 2 1/2 when he looks in the drawer and sees the Bingo

Game.

[Quixote1818]

15. You smell like Big-foots Dick! - Anchorman

[DeposeTheBoyKing]

17. From "Four Weddings And A Funeral"

"I'll be killing myself after the ceremony if it's any consolation." I've used this line many times!

[Kire]

29. Barfly - Frank Stallones explanation why he lost in a fight

Eddie: "You got lucky last night, I had the flu."
Henry: "What's it gonna be next time, the AIDS?"

[ET Awful]

18. It's all ball bearings these days. . . .

Fletch :)

[CanuckAmok]

19. "I still don't have anything to say" "Ah...flashback humour!" - Fight Club

n/t

[lpbk2713]

20. "I AM serious. And don't call me surely."

Plus many others from "Airplane".

[ironflange]

22. "Ever seen a grown man naked, Timmy?"

"Ever been in a Turkish prison, Timmy?"

[Lovecrafty]

23. "You like hanging around the Gymnasium?"

[barb162]

34. what movie is this?

[Skittles]

36. "Airplane"

nt

[DemWitch]

24. Oh, look, JC Penney's having a white sale!

Airplane... whata movie...

You can make a brooch, a pteradactyl, a ...

Crash Positions!

excuse me miss, I speak jive...

looks like today was the wrong day to stop sniffing glue...

you have to manually inflate the auto pilot...

[onebigbadwulf]

25. "Is there a sign on my garage that says dead n***er storage?!"

Love pulp fiction

[tarkus]

32. From Chasing Amy

"I'm telling you that bitch could be a bigger fucking germ farm than that monkey in 'Outbreak'".

This is probably the best line ever written, and Jason Lee's delivery is unmatched in this film.

[mondo joe]

26. "Nice girls don't wear cha-cha heels"

And almost every other line from Female Trouble.

Dawn Davenport : I hate you, fuck you! Fuck you both, you awful people! You're not my parents! I hate you, I hate this house, and I hate Christmas!

***

Aunt Ida : And remember my offer still stands. If you get tired of being a Hare Krishna, you come live with me and be a lesbian!

***

Taffy Davenport : Writing a book, hippie? Why don't you go listen to some folk music and give me a break!

***

Aunt Ida : The world of the heterosexual is a sick and boring life.

***

Donna Dasher : You know how I detest organs. Beauty has absolutely nothing to do with that WORD, that THING you have hanging there like an obscene pickle. Spare me your anatomy.

***

Dawn Davenport : I've DONE everything a mother can do: I've locked her in her room, I've beat her with the car aerial. Nothing changes her. It's HARD being a loving mother!

[BlackVelvetElvis]

28. That may be my fav John Waters film.

What trashy fun! Maybe I'll watch it again tomorrow.

[mondo joe]

31. Even better than I remembered

Hadn't seen it in years. But a few weeks ago I happened to find it on cable -- IFC I think -- and thought I'd watch a few minutes for kicks.

I couldn't stop watching, and discovered that it was even better than I remembered.

[DemWitch]

27. Lust in the Dust with Divine and Tab Hunter...

Probably the funniest movie I have ever seen...

stop that... what do you want? It's me isn't it... you want to have your filty way way with me under the hot desert sun. our sweaty bodies grinding together in animal magnetism, as you violate my inner most parts... oh god, your disgusting...

Whore? I'll show you whore... One's so old at it she forgot what to do, the others so young she doesn't know which end to use, so what does that make you? The only whore in Chili Verde...

you could eat off this floor, and you probably would...

I've know carnal knowlege of three hundered women and a goat.
And de chicken?
Ehhhhh...

Let her take ya south of her border, if ya think ya can afford her...

Nice jinglebobs!

[DemWitch]

30. Does anyone remember Serial Mom?

After Kathleen Turner runs over the principal and she driving home to Barry Manilow's "Daybreak"...

Pussywillow...

[TahitiNut]

33. "All NCO's will report for a short arms inspection at 0400!"

One of the loudspeaker announcements (all added during the film's editing) in M*A*S*H (the movie).

[barb162]

35. several

Blazing Saddles, "Oh it's twue, it's twue" by Madelyn Kahn and everything else she said in the movie. She was brilliant.

In Ghostbusters, the guy yelling "help" at the diners at "Tavern on the Green" restaurant with that supernatural dog just about to jump him.

All lines from "Where's Poppa" between George Segal and Ruth Gordon, especially when Ruth G. says to George S. "you almost scared me to death" and he replies "That's not good enough, ma, that's not good enough." Also when Ruth G. tells George's girlfriend on his first date "He has a pecker this big, just like his poppa."

[HEyHEY]

37. "Dave's not here"

[Mr. Blonde]

38. From Chopper

Why would I shoot a bloke BANG, then drive him to the bloody car and wizz him off to the hospital at a hundred miles an hour? It defeats the purpose of having shot him in the first place.

From Dogma
Prophet: I'm here to make some changes to that book you put so much stock in.
Jay: Hustler?

[Selwynn]

39. "....phone's ringin' dude..." "....thanks donnie."

[Mr. Blonde]

40. This is what happens when you fuck a stranger in the ass!

Your killing your father Larry.

Probably the funniest movie ever the second time I saw it. First time is an adjustment period.

[Selwynn]

52. DO YOU SEE WHAT HAPPENS LARRY? DO YOU SEE WHAT HAPPENS LARRY???

[Mr. Blonde]

55. I haven't actually seen it but I'm told that

when it comes on tv the line is "This is what happens when you flip a stranger in the alps." If you know what he is supposed to say this is almost as funny.

[doubleplusgood]

41. The Ten Commandments

After spotting John Derek following his trek across the Sinai desert, Yvonne De Carlo yells out to Charlton Heston, "Moses, there is a man amongst the sheep!"

[NewHampshireDem]

42. From Lock, Stock, and Two Smoking Barrels

Eddie : They're armed.
Soap : Armed, armed with what?
Eddie : Err, bad breath, colorful language, feather duster... what do you think they're gonna be armed with? Guns, you tit!

Plus many, many others ... but that's the one that is the best without the context.

Also, from Blazing Saddles, "What in the wide wide world of sports is going on here?!?"

"Listen, strange women lyin' in ponds distributin' swords is no basis for a system of government. Supreme executive power derives from a mandate from the masses, not from some farcical aquatic ceremony." from Holy Grail ... along with "He must be a king ... He hasn't got shit all over him. "

[Dogmudgeon]

43. From "Lord Love A Duck"

A Little Knowledge Is A Dangerous Thing
Go To School
Get A Little Knowledge
Live Dangerously

--bkl

[Misunderestimator]

44. Soylent Green Is People!

[Bertha Venation]

45. Bill Murray to Dustin Hoffman: "You slut."

"Tootsie"

[name not needed]

46. Corporate accounts payable, Nina speaking. Just a moment.

I was told that I could listen to the radio at a reasonable volume from nine to eleven, I told bill that if Sandra is going to listen to her headphones while she's filing then I should be able to listen to the radio while I'm collating so I don't see why I should have to turn down the radio because I enjoy listening at a reasonable volume from nine to eleven.

[Bertha Venation]

47. "Get down off of that cross. Someone needs the wood."

Guy Pierce (sp?) in "Priscilla, Queen of the Desert"

[KittyWampus]

48. Baby... Baby... Der Fuhrer has never said zis 'baby'

:D

Who knows what this is from?

[Dogmudgeon]

49. The (original) Producers

It's from the Kraut. The one with the Boids.

--bkl

[jmowreader]

51. In Up in Smoke...

Cheech and Chong were trying to get the van through Customs...

"Do you have any narcotics or dangerous drugs?"
'Not any more.'

At the first traffic stop...
"Sir, where's your license?"
'It's on the bumper, man."

[Tredge]

53. A few from Fletch

"Say, can I borrow your towel? My car just hit a water buffalo."

Chief Karlin: "Why are you doing this, Mr. Fletch?"
Fletch: "I like men. I like to be manhandled. I like you."

(After paying his ex-wife's attorney) "Keep ten for yourself. Go and get yourself a nice piece of ass."

[brainshrub]

54. "My God! I haven't been fucked like that since grade-school!"

From the movie Fight Club.

That line is soooooo wrong on so many levels, that I still laugh every time I hear it.

[bookfreak]

56. Ferris Bueller's Day Off

When Jeannie (Jennifer Grey) is speaking over the household intercom to the intruder (who, unbeknownst to her is her high school's principal).

"I've called the police and they are on their way. I also have my father's gun and a *scorching* case of herpes"

[VOX]

57. "Either this man is dead, or my watch has stopped."

Groucho Marx in "A Day at the Races," 1936

[jeff30997]

60. Groucho was the king !

"Barovelli, you've got the brain of a four year old boy, and I bet he was glad to get rid of it". Now replace Barovelli with Bush and it's even funnier. :)

[flamingyouth]

58. Any number from "Beyond the Valley of the Dolls"

Take your pick:

"This is my happening and it freaks me out!"

"You're a groovy boy; I'd like to strap you on some time!"

"Hey, man, that's really gettin' it together!"

"You will drink the black sperm of my vengeance!"

Or, alternatively, the finale to "Road House:"

"A polar bear fell on me."

[arwalden]

59. "Here! Hit This!"

[Deja Q]

61. "What if I told you I was pregnant?" Woody Allen asks the firing squad...

Of course, any line of his in "Casino Royale" had me laughing, and there wasn't a line in "What's Up, Tiger Lily" that wasn't funny!

[noonwitch]

62. Pretty much all the dialogue in "The Lion In Winter"

The horrible things that Eleanor and Henry say to their children and each other! But it is funny.