Hockey Top Tens

[name not needed]

Top Ten Signs Your Round Draft Choice Was A Mistake
10. His guide dog isn't much of a skater.
9. He says he "wants to drink from Stanley's Cup."
8. He came from the Uruguayan Junior League.
7. He won't throw a check for fear of breaking his beer bottle.
6. His goalie mask is made from chicken wire, Christmas lights and duct tape.
5. Nickname: Chicken Cordon Blue.
4. He's heaving into the goal judge's box - and he's just laced up his skates.
3. Opponents challenge him to "drop 'em" and he takes down his pants.
2. He keeps using frozen pucks to chill his pitcher of sangria.
1. He has all his teeth.

Top Ten Little Known Penalties
10. Kabobbing.
9. Too many men on the linesman.
8. Shucking and Jiving.
7. Octopi in the face.
6. Sequinned Gloves.
5. Illegal use of Pants.
4. Doin' the Hokey Pokey.
3. Icing the Mascot.
2. Two guys, one goalie uniform.
1. Grand Theft Zamboni.

Top Ten Signs You Have A Bad Goalie
10. He keeps telling the Goal Judge to "Get Ready!"
9. His mask is painted like Malibu Barbie.
8. On the net with his squeeze bottle is a box of Kentucky Fried Chicken.
7. He wears Mr. Magoo glasses over his mask.
6. You find him in a fetal position in the corner of the net.
5. The ice level microphone keeps picking up sounds of him praying.
4. He's wearing a virtual reality mask.
3. He keeps using his big stick to tenderize meat.
2. His technique in stopping breakaways: Fake Seizures.
1. He tries not to get hit by the puck.

Top Ten Reasons Hockey is the Best Pastime
10. Hockey is the last remnant of the Roman Coliseum Rulebook without actually having to sit through pro wrestling.
9. Baseball. (Get serious.)
8. Real men don't wear figure skates.
7. Golf. Hmm. This one's a toss up. After all, both sports involve knocking a hard rubber object into a target with a carbon-graphite stick while wearing hideous clothing.
6. Cinemas, while somehow just as cold as hockey arenas, just can't achieve the same enthusiasm levels. (And no funky-chicken)
5. Better sound effects than even the coolest computers.
4. Boxing is arguably the same sport, but those wimps do it without skates.
3. Just not enough violence in football.
2. Stamp-collecting is for referees.
1. When's the last time you went to the ballet and a really good fight broke out?

Top Ten Hockey Player Pick-Up Lines
10. "So this guy says he hates hockey players because they have no tact and are easily distracted, so I... Hey! Babe! Wanna do the nasty?"
9. "You heard right: I only take off this mask for two things."
8. "I may be toothless, sweaty, and all black and blue, but I make a mean Quiche Lorraine."
7. "Me take you eat."
6. "Would you like a Zamboni ride?"
5. "Tho... What'th your thighn?"
4. "C'mon baby, the iceman cometh... but never too soon."
3. "Well if I can't score, can I get an assist?"
2. "You know, less teeth means more tongue!"
1. "We're gonna go beat up Scott Hamilton. Wanna come?"

Top Ten Signs You're Dating a Hockey Player
10. Eating the last Fig Newton gets you bodychecked into the fridge.
9. When you refer to "The Classics," he thinks you're talking about the "Original Six."
8. After going out, he makes you line up and shake hands with all his ex-girlfriends.
7. He consummates lovemaking by shouting, "He scores!"
6. During arguments, he sends you to the penalty box for misconduct.
5. He refuses to valet park the Zamboni.
4. You don't play chess with him anymore simply because the first time you played, he misunderstood the meaning of the word "Check."
3. He demanded credit for an assist when you slept with his best friend.
2. Favorite Restaurant: Dinner in a Blender.
1. Wants to name all of his kids either Gordie, Bobby, or Wayne.

Top Ten Ways to Make Hockey More Exciting
10. During playoffs, players dress up as their favorite Ice Capades character
9. Canadians must play in bare feet.
8. Defensemen must count to "five Mississippi" before defending an onrushing attacker. (Burke Henry and Mike Mottau seem to have perfected this to an art form.)
7. A goalie with a goals per game average of less than 2.00 will have his water bottle replaced with Nyquil.
6. If the zamboni drops below 50 mph, it blows up
5. Goals scored by goalies will count as 5 points, encouraging the goalies to leave the crease and join play.
4. Give up a goal - remove a piece of equipment.
3. Try a hot griddle surface instead of ice.
2. "Bonus pucks" may be added to game play at any time.
1. BLINDFOLDS.

Top Ten Biggest Lies in Hockey
10. "We think the referee made the right call."
9. "That 'foot-in-the-crease' has really improved the game in many ways."
8. (Anything having to do with Mike Keenan)
7. (Anything having to do with press coverage of how salary negotiations proceed in a friendly manner)
6. "We think his agent advised him very wisely."
5. "Don't sweat it, kid -- we're just sending you down to the minors for a few weeks."
4. "Our players never take painkiller injections."
3. "I don't care if I'm not scoring, so long as the team is winning."
2. "Honest coach, I only had two beers last night."
1. "Don't worry, my roommate is a really heavy sleeper."

[name not needed]

1. kick!

:kick:

[C_eh_N_eh_D_eh]

2. Thanks.

My BIL and all his brothers play hockey. I'll have to send this along.

[Endangered Specie]

3. ROFL

good stuff.